Thursday, March 28, 2019

The Room

Well it was sorta better than Wicker Man.

So is The Room all it's cracked up to be in the eyes of cinema? Well, yes. It is astonishing the story and inner workings of this movie, how it was made, the behind the scenes recounts, it's hard to believe kinda! I was flipping through bits of trivia and I couldn't believe half of what I was reading. And I have got to review The Disaster Artist after this, I need visuals to this incredible story. So our story is about Johnny a banker with questionable nationality played by Tommy Wiseau who has cemented his persona in the mind of pop culture forevermore, I can't really explain it or even talk about it you just have to see it. It really is beyond words his performance. But anyway, Johnny lives in San Francisco with his future wife Lisa and an odd entourage of friends but we'll center on one, Mark played by Tommy's best frenemie Greg who was a major hand in making the movie. And soon Lisa gets tired of Johnny and starts having an affair with Mark as they go on their usual lives of having sex scenes that make Fifty Shades look competent, playing catch with a football, and having the exact same conversation with Lisa's mom. Not once, or twice, or three times a lady, but 5 f***ing times! FIVE!!? Whyyyyy?? They don't discuss anything! Ever! Oh my God this movie drags and pads more than any other movie. It's not even really that funny! I laughed maybe twice at an odd line, but beyond that I was mainly trying to figure out why there was so many talking and sex scenes that didn't contribute anything, to the point where I felt I found a rupture in the space-time continuum because of how scenes kept repeating. No you know what it was, it was like seeing alternate realities of the same event, the same thing happened but with ever so slight variables. Space is warped, and time is bendable! Oh my God, this movie is bad. I fully believe this is the Citizen Kane of bad movies. I've seen some shit in my day, especially in this month but boy howdy let me tell you, The Room is a whole 'nother beast. I'm not sure if I can recommend it but if you are morbidly curious go now, and heaven help you! I really don't have much to say guys, it's the king of enjoyably bad movies, it has a big cult following and now probably more interest and love since The Disaster Artist hit. Maybe it will change my opinion on the film and make me enjoy it more at just how batshit crazy it is but until then, I am not going out of my way to see another bad movie for a long, long time. Give it another 5 years before we do this again. This month was rough, a bit of fun, a lot of pain, an entirety of I hope you people appreciate what I do for you.

Until next time....

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

The Wicker Man (2006)

It's been awhile since I saw a movie that got me this angry.

Like I got tired of Twilight more and more as the series went on, and Fifty Shades Of Grey annoyed me to the brink of insanity, but this is the f***ing creme de la creme. I didn't even get this angry at Expendables 3 or even Game Night! And you just think about that for a second. I ripped Expendables 3 a new pair of assholes, and I gave up on Game Night in the theater, and this was waaaaaaay worse. If you go to a bookstore and pick up one of those reference books on how to write, there's a specific book called How To Write A Mystery, it's only one page long but the wisdom it shares is breathtaking, on page one there is only one criteria, "Do NOT write like The Wicker Man (2006)"! This is the most crackpot, half baked, senseless, and infuriating mystery movie I have ever seen in my existence. And you better believe we are watching the original this October! Because I need confirmation that the original is better, and if it is not I am going to shoot myself!! Whenever I'm doing nothing but ranting and raving over 90% of the movie, congratulations you've made a shittastic movie and I wish you death. Okay, so story time! Nicolas Cage plays a cop who has some severe PTSD from a road accident and he falls into the cop with a bad past stereotype when he gets a letter from a past lover that her daughter is missing on an island. So Cage (I know he has a name but don't lie to yourself, it's Nicolas Cage.) packs up and heads on over to this island primarily populated by female "wiccans" and I use bunny ears because I will not lump friends of mine who are actual wiccans in with this f*** heap, I will not disrespect them that way because this is the most jaded perspective I have seen on this religion in film ever. I watched the Nostalgia Critic's review on this and you should check it out, it's pretty great, but he brought up this director and I have no idea who he is or if he even still gets work, fingers crossed he doesn't, and all I gathered from that is the fact he is not a fan of women so every character who doesn't have a dick is the bane of humanity! And what really gets on my nerves is the fact that they could not have done a worse job with this dialogue and story. So Cage gets on the island and already something's up but he never....pushes....for information. If I had a goddamn dollar every time he asks a question and does not get a straight answer then add another dollar for every time he doesn't push the investigation further I would be richer than Bill Gates! This is the worst f***ing cop I have EVER seen in my life, he acts like a petulant jackass which granted I can understand when anybody and everybody cannot give him a straight answer for even the simplest of questions but there has to be some tact in an investigation. You need to not kick the door in and start shouting demands, you kinda need to work in the background, ask questions, press for further information, be discreet, sneak around, try not to arise contempt and suspicion, this is not hard. I could be a detective! You could be a detective! All it takes is logic, patience, and the ability to pick and choose your battles and when to negotiate. But apparently this cop has never been to an interrogation room in his entire career at the police force because every time some little prick is stonewalling him he immediately gives up and moves on to the next question that DOES NOT GET ANSWERED!!! I'm gonna break something! I am gonna break something or break someone, holy batshit this movie is absolute balls!! Do not watch this movie! Ever! There is nothing of value here!! But wait there's more! Of course there's more, you thought we were wrapping up? Hahahaha!! You poor bastard. Apparently this cult of "wiccans" does not know how to subvert suspicions or not act like coked out weirdos because they could not be more transparently cult-y if they tried! Why is this so hard?? Who wrote this piece of garbage? Ohhhh my god, the director wrote it too. No shit. Well that doesn't surprise me at all. Someone put a fork in me, because I am done. I thought it was fairly easy to write a mystery, you have the situation, you sprinkle in some intrigue and clues and speculation, you build to the reveal, you make the reveal good and not a waste of what little time I have left on this world, and you make a satisfying conclusion. There is none of that in this movie. Logic was shot out of a cannon and landed on Mars by the 10 minute mark if not sooner. I'm a bit of a reactionary type....clearly, but I can classify movies, the worst action movie I've ever seen is Transformers 2, the worst comedy I've ever seen was Game Night, and The Wicker Man from 2006 gets the worst "mystery" movie honor of my life. There is no mystery, no intrigue, no semblance of good acting or dialogue, or even a moderately okay ending. It's a sham! It's trash that should never be seen by another person from now until the end of time itself! I didn't even get the legendary "Not the bees!!" because I watched it on TV so I couldn't even have fun with that! If I could give less than half a star, I would. If I could give 0 stars, I would. Do. Not. Watch. It. Do something better with your life, draw, write, read, paint, pass on knowledge, travel the world, be as great as you can be and know that I will always be here to give you better options for the movies and shows you can watch in the meantime. Because film is better than this. And you fully deserve the best cinema has to offer, and I will always try to present it to you.

I can't even believe I'm saying this but Tommy Wiseau please save me!!

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Troll 2

And people wonder why I never eat green stuff.

This movie is amazing. I have never had this much fun and howled in laughter at a movie in my entire life. Troll 2 is a cinematic icon, if you're a movie buff whether you're an aficianado on bad movies, or just absorb yourself in the culture of film you have heard of Troll 2. And I have to say, everything you have heard is true. The plot follows a family who go on vacation to a town called Nilbog and quickly discover the existence of goblins that turn humans into plants and eat them, forcing the family to try to escape with their lives from the tiny menace. Oh my God. Where do I start? Well some backstory is necessary so we can fully understand the gravity of the situation that is Troll 2. First, the title is a lie. Twice. It has nothing to do with the little known film called Troll and was slapped on the movie just to try to earn some modicrum of audience who maybe saw the first one. Second, and you're gonna love this twist, they are not trolls they are goblins. And I'll give you a thousand bucks if you can guess what GOBLIN is spelled backwards! Ohh this f***ing movie, it is a work of art. But continuing on with backstory, the reason why the dialogue is what it is, was because all of the crew, every person who was not on screen was italian. They did not speak a word of english, and barely knew how to write more than they spoke. The actors themselves wanted to ad-lib or bring more dialogue to the scenes but the director, Drake Floyd who I'm sure that is 1000% his name despite the fact that every other crew member has an italian name, denied it outright. And I'm not sure if the overacting/deadpan/what the hell style of speaking the dialogue was intentional or not but it must simply be seen to be believed. Not just the now infamous "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD!" that has almost 7 million views on YouTube, no no no, it goes depper than that. Just see the movie. I implore you to see the movie. It is entertainment gold. I was laughing so crazily you'd think I escaped a psych ward and did a shit load of drugs, I was rolling it was so unbelievably hilarious! I mean what the hell do I even say about this movie? It's Troll 2. The acting is gut busting hilarious, the effects are cheap though I will admit they did get a reaction from me, not from execution so much but more from concept, okay fine it was only one effect that I liked. It didn't look good but the concept behind it made me just feel gross. I will say this, usually kids especially back in the day before say 2010 were a kiss of death for your movie but honestly the kid is the best actor in the movie. I love the performances especially from George Hardy who plays the dad, and Deborah Reed who is my shining star in this whole movie. Seriously she is incredible. It's over the top but I don't even care, she relishes in every microsecond of her performance and I cannot get enough of her. I love the fact that during production the director said she was too beautiful to play a creepy witch so they had to use extensive makeup to get her to look like a decrepid witch, and it's true she is, oh my Queen you are stunningly beautiful, I could even see it with the makeup on, I know I'm gushing over her but she is my favorite part of the whole movie and I am proud to know this was not a one and done movie for her. I have lost my damn mind, this movie was a blast, I am so thrilled to finally be able to say I have seen Troll 2. I loved it. 4 stars, please go check it out, you can watch it totally free if you Google it. Make some popcorn, watch it with friends or just as a single witness to the madness and have a ball.

I somehow doubt I'm going to enjoy tomorrow's movie. Next time, good old Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Another Year, Another Event

Hello there! That time again huh? Honestly I'm losing track at this rate, 4 years in and still going strong. Withered, and slightly weary but strong. We'll see how this final week bodes for me before we jump back in with new releases, old favorites, and plenty more content till the end of the year. And of course I thank every person who takes time out of their day to hear me ramble and rant and more often than not praise. Yeah kinda weird how more than 85 if not 90% of my reviews have all been favorable, even adding more so to why I decided to have an entire month dedicated to bad movies. Not just to get them done and over with but to bring a bit of balance. I think anybody and most everybody would agree you read and watch critics to relish in the bashing of a movie. Hell I watch plenty who review only bad things, but I like to see a silver lining even in the darkest of clouds if only just to preserve my sanity and not to be a grumpy old man all the time. I save the grumpiness for everyday people. But regardless I love what I do, I do what I love, thank you all for the interest of a very humble critic and I will see you tomorrow for the best worst movie ever made. Goodnight everybody!

Friday, March 22, 2019

Space Mutiny

Time to enjoy myself.

Oh Space Mutiny, you may be bad enough to be showcased on Mystery Science Theater 3000 but I still love you. No seriously, this is such an entertaining and fun movie and I practically know the MST3K riffs by heart so I can have a good time with this movie anytime. And yes, I own the movie. I grabbed it at a Half-Priced Books for $2 and never regretted it. So what is the story to this movie? Set in the far off future in Battlestar Galactica footage, a colony of people are travelling in deep space and some have grown quite restless under the command of Santa Claus in a space mumu, Billy Idol, and Reb Brown the most obscure action superstar in the world. A mutiny is planned, war breaks out, romance begins, and there is enough railing kills to create a drinking game. What's not to love? This is the prime example of a low budget sci-fi movie you will ever see, everyone dresses in shiny clothes, the props are cheap and hilarious, the fact they had to steal actual broadcasted footage of Battlestar Galactica because the budget was that poor, just imagine in your mind the most clearly cheap sci-fi action movie ever and then watch this movie. It's pretty amazing. The acting isn't that great but I've seen worse. I've seen way, way friggin' worse and the (debateable) best actor in the movie is Reb Brown one of the greats in action cinema. He makes this movie pretty great, but I will say his acting is an acquired taste but once you love it, you're hooked. The man was built to shoot guns and yell and that is what he does in most of his movies. And his love interest in the movie is his actual wife, they have been married since 1979 and you know what? They're a cute couple and I'm so happy to still see them together. Reb may not get much work nowadays but the cult following he has is strong and I always look forward to his next movie. There's more bad stuff to be found but it's greatly entertaining bad stuff, like the so clearly a villain to the poiny he laughs evilly at every instance and his acting is the stuff of bad movie legend, the side characters range from superfluous to barely progressing the plot forward but I don't care. You can take a shot everytime someone flies over a railing and you'd be so piss ass drunk you wouldn't care either. And has the greatest war cry or at least top 5, with the other 4 spots also belonging to Reb Brown ever showcased in cinema. Solid 3 stars, lot of fun, cheesy sci-fi action at it's finest, highly recommended!

Well one more week of bad. And we saved the worst for last.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Battlefield Earth

Screw it, I had fun, if not the most fun I've had this month.

Battlefield Earth is highly renowned for it's badness, swept the Razzies, was one of the most bashed films of this millenium, and probably is the reason you never really see John Travolta in movies anymore. The story is complicated, set in a post-apocalyptic world where a race of aliens has conquered Earth and humankind is near extinction, and I really didn't want either side to win the ruling of Earth. The humans are barely one step above cavemen and speak like brain damaged 4th graders, the aliens are hilarious in design and somehow speak more like humans than the actual humans and I'm just gonna say it, this is my favorite John Travolta role ever. Saturday Night Fever, Grease, Pulp Fiction, pssh it ain't got nothing on Terl. "While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME I was being trained TO CONQUER GALAXIES!!" Ohhh my sweet baby Jesus, he is so much fun, I laugh my ass off just about everytime he is on screen. If there was ever a reason to watch this movie it is because of his performance! I will give the movie a few points, the designs of the aliens though gut busting hilarious is unique and even their ship designs don't rip anything off but it just goes to show how originality isn't always the best thing. Second, I did not see a single actor who looked embarassed or really did not want to be there filming, they pull this shit dead straight and it is amazing. The sad part is Travolta still defends this movie and would gladly do it again, but Forest Whitaker was in the movie, though you probably couldn't tell because of the makeup, completely regrets it! I mean who could turn down a role where you're 9 foot aliens with dreadlocks and finger talons with weird breathing tendril masks calling other actors man-animals? It's Oscar worthy material! And you can't talk about the movie if you don't talk about the shots. Every single shot in the movie, every one, is a dutch angle and a dutch angle is where the camera is tilted at a 45° angle so everything looks slanted, and I caught myself multiple times tilting my head like I'm Michael Myers just trying to see things on a even level. Why is every frame at an angle? Well believe it or not, there is an answer and you're gonna love this! The cinematographer said he wanted the movie to resemble a comic book so that's why every shot is at an angle. Well of course! It all makes sense now! Oh my God, this movie is bad but it is a highly enjoyable bad. The movie has a reputation for a reason, it is so bad that you laugh and you laugh hard. It's perfect for a really shlock movie night with friends, you can get endless entertainment if you riff on this movie and have a few drinks. So if that sounds like your cup of tea, go for it.

Man this month has been a bit of a roller coaster ride. From Manos and movies that are really funny, to suffering through each subsequent Twilight movie, to the point where before we look at the last few pieces de resistance, I'm gonna give myself a break and watch a bad movie I genuinely like. I haven't picked which one yet but they both star the original Captain America all the way from back in the 70s. Yes, tomorrow we get to talk about Reb Brown.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Fifty Shades Of Grey

Okay. Here we go.

Fifty Shades Of Grey sucks. I must admit I did read the book BUT I only got to chapter 12 before I quit, now I gotta talk about the movie! And I can fully pinpoint the absolute failing of this story, not just on the hideously written series by a woman who clearly has no idea what the actual relationship and lifestyle of a couple in a Dominant/Submissive relationship is and merely used it to try to give some taboo material for middle aged midwestern moms who want something more than your Harlequin romance novels. This is where both mediums fail. The relationship that these characters are in is a flawed potrayal. From my experience, from my point of view, from my life, such a relationship has roots in a normal relationship, you can date and do stuff on top of having an intimate powerplay with bondage and elements of pain in the bedroom. Now you may be asking, Dude how do you know so much about this sort of stuff? Don't worry about it. I just know, I read...and stuff. But anyway, the problem with this story is the romance is....there's no romance! It's just a story about a very clumsy (straight from a 90s children's film), shy girl who meets a very emotionally distant and confusing billionaire who has a BDSM fetish. That's it! Now if I wrote a story about such a relationship I would have it where a man and a woman meet, the girl is shy and awkward and has no sexual experience, while the guy is a very good looking and succesful person who is attracted to this woman but has had a screwed up past and that is why he has that particular sexual desire, they build a nice relationship and he very slowly introduces her to his fantasies and preferences in the bedroom. Through time she helps him confront the demons of his past, is fully accepting of him in all his ways, and they have not only a great love life but a great sex life and thus becoming more mature and better human beings. There is absolutely nothing wrong about this premise, there is nothing wrong about bringing what many consider a "taboo" sexual relationship to a film, but you have to understand it! What it means, the intricate qualities of it, and why they choose to be a part of it. There's no reason in the film or the book because the writer didn't know jack shit about it or personally knew people who were in such relationships and were comfortable sharing their views on it. All we get is Christian was seduced by his mother's friend when he was 15. That's it. No reason why he likes it, how it affected his view on sex and women, there is no substance. Just softcore porn that barely dips their toe into the proverbial pool. Pathetic. And their relationship is not a good relationship, he stalks Anna with no explanation as to how, she never tells him where she is and at best gives a broad location yet somehow tracks her down. Because love means never having to say sorry for putting a tracking device on your phone and stalking you. Christian acts like a petulant child, always wanting his way and giving no real consideration to Ana's feelings, and explicitly states that he does not do romance or make love. He wants a f***toy, plain and simple! Oh but it's okay because he buys her shit and takes her for totally not romantic outings so get sucking bitch! This is like if you watched Pretty Woman and he still bought her stuff but screwed her constantly and became a possesive asshole about it. Not a very good sign! And while I'm on the subject the sex scenes suuuuck, and not in a good way! When the majority of your sex positions is missionary with one, maybe two instances of taking her from behind it gets dull fast. Oh the burning passion and arousing kinks. By the third sex scene I was banging my head on the wall from sheer boredom. And no, the toys and bondage do not spice it up one bit. Ironic. I didn't watch the unrated version and can I just go on a tangent for a moment? Why do they call it unrated?? Unrated means the MPAA did not give it a rating so how is there more steamy or shocking content in an unrated version? Just replace the R rating with NC-17 or X if you must. That's the only way you could do this story, it kinda has to go full on porn. There's a foreign film, I think it's from Denmark, called Nymphomaniac directed by Lars Von Trier and it goes all the way, they got pornstars to do what they do on camera and released it in theaters! Granted it got an X rating, and for good reason but shit this story needs more than just Dakota Johnson's breasts out every 10 or so minutes. I admire her for doing it because I would not feel comfortable taking anything out or off on camera, and yeah she is very pretty and I like her character a bit. She has some actually really funny lines, and she is a dork but a cute dork, sort of adorkable if you will, she's a very nice and charming lady and isn't some vacant eyed bimbo who just wants to be used by this guy and submit to his every beckon call. She confronts him on their sexual relationship and asks why can't they just be a normal couple but still do what they do which is fair. And I know, I know, not every relationship is the same, some are more strict and some are more laidback, some use it as a means of venting sexual anger, and some can do it but care and and treasure their partner. And I must stress in my own experience, with people in such relationships, they are just like any other couple but they like it a bit more rough and playful in the bedroom, and that is totally fine. And some people go to such extents like in this movie, and take it very seriously which also is totally okay. However, there is a line in the sand. There is a difference between sexual preference and abuse of different variety whether it's gaslighting a partner, or becoming overly violent and hurting you regardless of your agreement or your personal comfort. It's a fine line to be walked but if you know your boundaries, respect your partner's opinions and understand their boundaries, and actually treat them like human beings then nothing can go wrong. Unlike in this movie where she leaves him, she's like screw this you will not hurt me again and she leaves! Then bam, end of the movie. And that is how this series will end for me. I was going to review the other two movies but honestly after what I just watched, and how I reacted and felt and thought as I dissected this movie I can safely say I will never watch the other two. I can assume Anastasia learned from this failed relationship and moved on to create a better, more complete life for herself and explored her own sexual tastes so she could finally be with someone that makes her happy and that she could be happy with. And I say good for her. Because of her actions and how the movie ended I will give this movie 1 1/2 stars. Till next time take care of yourself, and most importantly each other.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Breaking Dawn

I'm not splitting it in two.

Who thought of that? I mean really, who said this story needed to be cut in half? With The Deathly Hallows it made sense, there was a lot of ends to tie up and plenty to do to fill the runtime of two 2 hour movies. This does not. I could have done the whole movie in a single 2 and a half hour picture because not that much happens in the first part, and you could argue even less happens in the second. So let's talk part 1, shall we? What happens story wise? Well Edward and Bella get married and yeah, the wedding aesthetic they chose looked very nice but it takes up 1/4 of the movie alone, then we go down to Rio for the honeymoon and piddle around for what seems like months just watching Bella be horny to the point of begging for sex (Always striving for progress aren't you Twilight?) and shock of all shocks, Bella gets preggers. She screwed a dead person and something bad happened to her, who would have thunk it?? So they haul ass back to Forks and already Bella has got a huge baby bump, and every vampire is scared absolutely shitless probably because they've seen Rosemary's Baby and are anticipating for some hellspawn to erupt from her stomach while Bella has still lost her mind from 3 movies back and wants to keep it, yet again dismissing all advice from her family and friends because it's not what she wants. I will say however the makeup is excellent, she looks like she is carrying around a life sucking demon in her uterus, huge props to the makeup! I am so happy she dies in this movie. Like could you imagine if this film just went grim horror after the birth? Bella dies, Jacob loses his shit and kills the baby, Edward kills Jacob and absolute war breaks out between the vampires and the werewolves leaving very few people alive. Which is much better than what actually happens! Jacob sees the baby and immediately has a full on Dreamweaver fantasy about Bella's newborn daughter....this name is the worst name of all names, Renesme or Reneesme both spellings are completely f***ed, and thus newborn porn began!!! I'm sorry I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. It didn't help that I was drinking and in a foul mood already. I know I am skimming through this movie but when you have 4 HOOOURS of shit you'll forgive me if I don't delve too deep. I will say however the soundtrack is ass and with the exception of some nice callbacks to the first soundtrack (Seriously you could not play Bella's Lullaby in the past two movies??) it falls flat, there is abusive amounts of montages, I still hate the characters, you do not get to second base at your wedding ceremony, there was hardly anything that I liked, and I want this nightmare to be over so badly I would sacrifice small children! I've got such a headache, and feel honestly sick to my stomach, I should feel elated and happy because I'm so close to being done but nope! 2 more hours of bullshit to go and I think I'm going to die. Or at the very least go to the hospital.

Oh my God. It's done. I'm free! Man for the last part of a series it certainly goes at break neck speed until the end which is baffling because it's still 2 hours long. It's like the past 3 movies worth of nothing happening came flooding into this movie. It does not screw around, there is so much that happens but can easily be condensed, Bella becomes a vampire and the Volturi learn of her new daughter and seek to eliminate the Cullen line. But jeez so much happens in those plot points, we meet so many more vampires that could have had more in depth backstories and characterizations but no! Which sucks because their special powers and slight character is interesting! Bella's transformation is glossed over though so quickly it really kind of breaks the movie and further hammers my point home of not splitting the movie in two. Because if you waited another year or however long between part 1 and 2 and kinda went to see this movie without rewatching the last, it leaves you in the dust. There is no recap or slow accustomizing of Bella's power now and it gave me whiplash and I finished the last damn movie about 30 minutes before I started this movie, so you can imagine how people were just shoved into this without something to grab onto who waited a year. There is jack shit to talk about beyond this big climatic fight which leads to easily the best moment of the movie, and maybe even the series. Michael Sheen is needed in this movie. Why? Because he is endlessly amusing and the performance he gives in one single solitary scene almost makes it worth the 3+ hour trip of this movie. Don't watch the movies, just YouTube Breaking Dawn laugh. You will thank me later. And I still feel the ending fight was a cop out despite the fact Alice saves everyone further proving why she is the greatest person in this series from now until the end of forever, because why would a story actually change things??? We can't have characters dying, and a true sense of drama and shock! People just want the same story from beginning to end over and over again!! Stories don't change from the beginning to the end, stories never change and characters never develop, cause that's clearly why people read expansive tales covered in several books. It's just to see the same thing! And to end this horrible, horrible week I bring up this final point. Above every single title since New Moon there has been an epitath, the Twilight saga. Now I took the time to look up the definition of the word Saga which was and I quote, "a long story of heroic achievement, or a long, involved story, account, or series of incidents.". And the Twilight series fails on every one of those points. There is no heroic achievement, no journeys, no battles, no glory to be won. Nor is it a involved story, it is brief and without much history or depth in the scope of this world, the writing is simply basic and tells a non-compelling story about a romance. Now romances are fine and good, many have been created both literally and cinematically through over a century that are still held in high regard today. But the reasons we read or watch romances is to see the emotional connection of two people and so that we can partake in the pleasure of their growing relationship, one of the best if not the best romance tales that a lot of people point to in this day and age is Disney's Beauty & The Beast. But why? Because every character action, movement, line of dialogue, and choice enhances our enjoyment and our growing fondness of these characters. We want to see them together, we want there to be a happily ever after, we want love to triumph over the forces of anger and evil. And there is no such thing in Twilight and even more so in next week's films, the highly talked about and even more publically and critically destroyed, Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019


Yep I was right! I hate being right about bad movies!!

Nothing happens in this movie. A conflict is resolved that has no major standing or satisfying conclusion and the movie ends where it practically began. That is not good storytelling! How do you do that? How do you have a movie about a small underground vampire army led by loose end Victoria from movie number 1 waging war on the Cullens, forcing them to team up with the wolves and take them out, and make it the most boring shit and completely irrelevant story I have ever seen in my life? Two major developments happen in this movie, Edward asks Bella to marry him after what, 3 years at best of dating(?) and the redhead gets out of the picture and both takes over an hour and a half to complete. So what you might ask happens in the intervening hour and a half? Not much! We still get brief glimmers of good characters and moments but we still revert to melodrama bullshit that would be laughed off the Lifetime channel. We get a tiny bit more lore about the werewolves which is infinitely interesting and could be it's own movie, I genuinely like how there is this great sense of family and loyalty within the pack which I liked. Further backstory is given to a few of the Cullens, both of which is interesting and even a bit enlightening almost as if the writer said, oh yeah we have other characters of this family and we don't know much about them so let's give them some story. And it's good stuff! It's original, and fascinating, and even a bit emotional stuff that we desperately needed more of in this series. I refuse to call it a saga, I will not insult your intelligence like that or my own. There's actually some hilarious dialogue from our three main leads, yet again showing how the dialogue could be more dynamic and fun, but it's so few in such a long movie. I do not like these characters very much, Bella is harboring on sociopathic and completely refuses to listen to EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER telling her that her decisions could and will have consequences and that maybe she should sleep on the whole vampire thing. But no. As stubborn as a bull. And the fact she has the...ovaries to just make out with Jacob not 20 feet away from her future husband that I'm pretty sure every woman in the theater watching that scene had their hands down their pants, but whatever. Class act as ever Bella!! Edward is surprisingly okay even though he gets catty with Jacob every two seconds, but I like the talk they have near the end and just kinda hash things out and are kind of okay with one another, that was a nice change of pace, they don't duke it out they just talk. But Jacob, ooh boy, Jacob gets a little creepy. I'm talking obsessed, stalker, kinda rape-y creepy, it may not be for that long but Jesus fish it still happened and it' putting shall we say. It just has issues that could be fixed and salvaged and to add insult to injury there is always a few good things in each movie, whether they be cute little moments like the fact Charlie and Alice chit chat for awhile and they seem to get along really well. Like can I just get a movie where we see the day to day stuff of everybody besides our love triangle? I would pay to see a movie where Charlie pals around with his friends, goes to bars, fishes and hunts, and just get a little slice of his life. Or you know, getting a collage of all the Cullen's backstories and major defining moments of their lives. There is so many little gems of just good moments, and writing, and characters it boggles my mind how we end up with this. You tied up a loose end and set up a wedding. Yippee. And you know what? Stephanie Meyer ended the series with this. No seriously, this was how it was supposed to end, but people clearly did not like it just sort of ending more abruptly than The Sopranos so they wanted a real ending. Well sometimes you better be careful of what you wish for, cause now I have not one but two movies to review, and I don't want to ffff***ing watch them!! Cause we couldn't wrap it up in one movie, we had to rip off Harry Potter and do the last story in two parts! I'm gonna break something, I am so frustrated, this is gonna degrade fast into an hours long rant I need to stop.

Home stretch people, we'll see if I make it.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

New Moon

What am I doing with my life?

I could be doing anything with my life. I could learn how to write in calligraphy, I could start writing on my movie script, I could be watching better movies! But no. We're talking about New Moon. There is no forgiving sentence like for the first Twilight movie, I got fed up with this movie before the 30 minute mark and I can pin 90% of the films issues on a single character. Yes, we get to delve into the disturbing psyche of Bella Swan. Oh my God, this girl. Hang on I gotta go point by point in the story briefly so we can have context for the criticism. Okay so movie starts up, and Bella is having dreams that she will grow old and frail while Edward will stay his pasty fruity self forevermore. Okay, is that not essentially what having a mid-life crisis is? And she's having it at the very mature age of eighteen! Lady are you serious? I know high school teenage girls can be kind of vain but this....this is some next level f***ery. Oh and major props to the subtle allegory of this story and Romeo And Juliet which is already fundamentally wrong on every level, because 1. Romeo And Juliet is a tragedy, not a love story. Read the damn book. 2. It's Shakespeare and actually has prose, and meaning, and not mind numbing character motivation. And 3. It has no deeper meaning in this story. It's just a school assignment. So what even is the damn point? Ugh, anyway where was I? Okay, so it's Bella's birthday and she has a small party at the Cullen's house and somehow has the mother of all paper cuts from opening a present to the point where it's dripping onto their carpet and totally sets off Jasper, one of the newer members of the family. And what follows made me laugh so hard I couldn't believe it. So Edward sees this coming and gives the most first class, most absent minded palm strike to Bella I have ever seen. He's like, oh damn I need to get Bella out of danger, then pushes her so hard I'm amazed she didn't go through the damn wall and slams into plate glass and absolutely shreds her arm. Good judgement call Edward. So this leads Edward to believe he cannot protect Bella from anything so he brings her to the middle of the woods and tells her him and his family are leaving, totally either forgetting or apathetic to the fact that Victoria from the last movie, creepy James' girlfriend is hunting Bella. Just completely gives up. Great boyfriend material. And then the film just....stops, for like 2/3rds of the movie. Bella becomes completely helpless until the end of the movie, honestly you think Edward poisoned her by how she's shuddering and gasping for breath in the woods and nearly dies from exposure. This is where Bella gets insufferable. She trances out, she sits in a chair and the camera circles her as three months pass and it feeeeels like 3 months, just melodrama bullshit. She wakes up screaming in pain because the heartbreak is that real man, and all I have to say is I have lost people in my life, people I have lost for the rest of my life and meant more than the world to me and even I did not do that. What the ass. Oh my God I nearly forgot about the best part! Bella is so driven insane by grief, like full on Macbeth hallucinatory grief and sees these ghostly images of Edward, like straight up Obi-Wan Kenobi in smoke and mist....and she's okay with that. She literally says in the movie "Maybe I have gone crazy, and I'm okay with that.". This is amazing. And the film on repeated instances calls her out on how batshit crazy and stupid she is. Both Anna Kendrick and Alice call her insane, an adrenaline junkie, and an idiot! Do you see why they are my favorite characters in this entire series? Like sweet Jesus I could bitch for hours about her but we got other stuff to talk about. I will say this, since the vampires are absent for the majority of this film we get a new supernatural presence in Forks, we get werewolves and I actually like how the movie takes the time to get to know them a bit, how their order works, defining characteristics, it's not bad stuff. But jeez does Jacob suffer in this movie, I didn't talk about him in the last movie cause he didn't have that much a part to play in it, so it's his proper and permanent introduction in this movie. But what sucks is he goes from this very nice, kind, even a bit dorky kid to this controlling and aggresive son of a bitch. It's like every good thing the first movie had going for it gets completely screwed over. To further prove my point of tinkering with the story and making it better for the movies, you could have Jacob be a real upstanding, very nice, very caring friend, just a swell guy to everyone in town who always hangs out with Bella and is her one and only true friend. Then Edward would be going through some troubling times and has to leave to take some time for himself, leaving Bella for a short time and she confides in Jacob who's a very supportive friend but loves her to where he respects her choices. Unlike him being a creepy controlling love rival in this movie. And could further this conflict because he gets very angry and kinda bloodthirsty because of his werewolf instincts and persona. Kinda like that other werewolf movie, what was it called? It had a really nice guy who was inflicted with this terrible curse and became a bloodthirsty monster who could hurt or kill his loved ones and family, hmmm I think it was called....Howling 2. Hell it could be a great sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type deal as well! It could really work if they actually did something. Again, you could keep the plot points but better the story and characters. The romance is even more sick inducing and unwarranted in this movie than the last 15 or so minutes of Twilight. It just seems like a shallow relationship, with Bella not wanting to age, constantly trailing along these boys, and becoming a total nutjob that I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable around. Like how codependent and worthless are you without having a guy around? This concept doesn't even work with the stock harlequin romance novels with you know, this young lady tempted by these two mysterious kinda studly guys and has to choose between them, because the characters are so bent ass backwards and done so poorly it's a slog to get through. The one shining star besides Billy Burke of course is Michael Sheen as this I guess elder vampire of like this cult thing(?) called the Volturi. Okay. He is great! He is campy fun, very much in the vein of Zuse in Tron Legacy and it's like he knows what movie he is in and decides to just have a ball and relish the scenery chewing cause he is a blast! But it ain't enough to save this movie. I see what they were attempting to do, to broaden the world, give the second piece of the love triangle some weight and standing, and deepen the so called romance of our two leads. But it fails spectacularly. I can appreciate what they tried to do with giving the werewolves you know this sort of mythos but it didn't go deeper with it, if memory serves it goes a bit more into their world in the book but it has been considerable time since last I read those novels but you know, sticky star for trying. Like if Twilight was just this one off movie based on a popular book and they just left it at that, this would not be that bad a problem. It would just be an average, harmless, decent movie of it's time and nothing more. But every sequel keeps digging deeper and deeper into the septic tank and I dread the next movie because I don't think a damn thing happens in it. Which is saying a lot after this movie!! Oh my God I spent money on this movie, I'm gonna throw up.

Monday, March 11, 2019


This is going to be a rough week.

I tried. I really, really tried to put this off for a long time. I was hoping I could get about 10 years of reviews done before I have to do the Twilight but clearly life had different plans. I am going to be honest the movie wasn't as bad as I remembered, it's been close to 8 if not 9 years since I last saw this movie and I can really say it's the "best" of the series if I can classify it as that, it goes downhill fast after this movie but honestly the movie isn't roll in the aisle hilarious or face palming ridiculous or enraging. It's okay. It has issues here and there but truthfully it's the most tolerable movie of the lot. I don't even think I need to recall plot here, you know what this is about, Bella Swan the most pale chick from Arizona you will ever meet goes to Forks, Washington and lives her everyday average teenage life when she meets the mysterious and very mood swinging Edward Cullen and a relationship that will border on sociopathic in future films blossoms. And you know what I noticed in this movie? I think the films should have kinda done their own thing, stick kinda close to the books but ultimately do different things with it. I did read the books before I saw the movies cause I had to find out what the hell everybody was talking about, and the books are okay, they're not terrible or poorly written like a, ahem, other book series. I'm gonna be honest the relationship between Edward and Bella when they are friends is surprisingly likeable! They talk, make jokes, it's a nice beginning but gets swallowed up by this romance nonsense. If they spent practically two movies with them just being friends, kinda giving signs that they really like each other and near the end of the second movie they were a couple, I really wouldn't have much to bitch about! They work better as friends, they actually have stuff to talk about and do rather than be a couple and be the most boring thing I ever seen on the screen. And that's the big problem with Twilight, I cracked the code people! I figured it out! We need to believe the romance of these people and it happens way, way too fast. By the end of this movie Bella has totally made up her mind and is willing to sacrifice her friends and family to be a bloodsucking monster of the night and that her romance with Edward is one in a million and simply meant to be but you haven't earned that. They went on like 2 dates, she met his family, he took her to prom and that's kinda it. That is all it takes for you to love someone for all eternity as vampires?? No! Now if they treated it like a real romance and started off as friends, and they got to know each other, talk about what they like, do stuff together it could have been a much stronger romance, which is what they kinda do in the movie. In fact, if you just look at this movie as a girl meets a guy that she doesn't really get and like uncovers this mystery about him while being friends that he is in fact a vampire, and she is totally cool with that and still continues being friends with him...the movie is actually really not that bad. Hell they really play up the mystery of this town, you get told legends and get hints here and there about the truth of this guy so it really banks on the fact that you have no idea that Twilight involves vampires. So there's quite a bit that the movie does well but then it gets buried by melodrama bullshit in future movies. And there is some stuff I really like about the movie, though the movie has a very cold look and the colors seem a bit washed out, I like the locations whether indoors or outdoors in this town, the forests are very dark and misty kinda giving a classic horror movie vibe to it, I really dig the architecture of the Cullen home it's very modern and quite nice. I kinda like the casting, even in the case of Robert Pattinson yeah sure he gets a bit emo from time and the mood swings he has even gets Bella a bit aggitated but then there's scenes where he can crack a joke and it isn't painful or when he introduces Bella to his family he kinda gives this look of, okaaaay I'm gonna get Bella away from you weirdos because you're embarassing a little bit. Even though we have ever so slight warning signs like how he really likes watching Bella sleep. Mhm. He's fine. He's fine. It's fine. He's fine. This is fine. He's fine. There's no issues here. It's fine! But anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I may or may not have a crush on Alice played by Ashley Greene. Oh God, I've said too much. I may have gone too far in a few places. But uh, yeah, moving on. The rest of the Cullen family is nice, granted they don't have much to do but good actors regardless and they totally got Bella's back when shit goes down, so hey that's family for you. The vampire who takes a very unpleasant interest in Bella, James I'm not gonna lie is actually really friggin' creepy. Good job to Cam Gigandet, dude you did good. I would not feel safe just standing near this guy, so major props to the acting. Oh and the best actor to grace every movie, Billy Burke! My man. He's a joy to watch, he plays Bella's dad Charlie and though he has to put up with a lot in this series he's still kinda the best part of the movies. But my sweet Anna Kendrick nooooo!! Get out, there's still time, you are too good an actress for this series! You can do more than dumb valley girl, you were in Up In The Air! So that's kinda sad but it's nice to see her anyway. What else? The soundtrack is decent, actual score is a bit lackluster but the pop tracks aren't all terrible and it got Paramore more attention, by the way you should totally check out their albums they may be my favorite band and I am not apologizing for that. Ummmm, I think that's it. So it's not an abomination or blight upon cinematic history, it's an okay movie. It certainly could have been done better, like really from the hospital scene onwards I really started to hate Bella which frightens me more than anything that I'm gonna have to watch New Moon tomorrow. Oh Jesus, someone pray for me.

Friday, March 8, 2019

The Happening

Ohhh my lord this was bad.

First off, if you saw this movie as like a legit, we're going to the movies and watching The Happening I am so, so sorry. If you unironically wanted to see this movie and did so I wish to apologize cause whoo boy this is a rough movie to sit through. The absolutely hilarious bad acting can only do so much and that is the only reason somebody would see this movie unless you were a person like me and actually had to talk about it. I wasted four dollars that I am never getting back on this ****ing movie. You know what? I lied. Nobody ever, would watch this movie just to see how bad it truly is or to get a laugh out of the performances. That is what YouTube is for! You can watch whatever scene you want and you have seen The Happening. I know I have to talk about this movie but I reeeeally do not want to. I mean what in God's name can you say about it? Well...besides that's it's comically bad. The plot is not bad really, just based solely on a catastrophe that affects human beings into commiting suicide is not a bad plot. If you got a better script, and better input from a different director, this movie would be passable. Someone could easily remake The Happening and make it good. You do not even need to spend a cent on the effects of the antagonist! It's wind. Marky Mark has to outrun the wind because you see the plants have gotten sick of our shtick and have concocted an airborne pathogen specially for us. The logic is staggering. You could make these characters likable and have them not talk like space aliens trying desperately to fit in on Earth. You can create a better twist! You could follow the movie scene by scene, and just change names and dialogue and whabam! Decent movie. Who dropped the ball on this production? Well the easy answer is Shyamalan because he produced, directed, and wrote the damn thing but it goes deeper than that. Someone was on set that fateful day where Marky Mark utters the line, "Whaat? Nooo." and the director said cut, perfect and they did not raise concern or ask questions or do anything to fix this issue. So really the blame cannot be solely put on the director's shoulders. Everybody done goofed up! Okay? Do not watch this movie. Watch like 2 or 3 clips on YouTube, or watch the Nostalgia Critic's review and have yourself a ball. I am going to drink myself to sleep, I'll see you next week!

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Plan 9 From Outer Space

I think I've seen worse.

For decades the reputation of this movie and Ed Wood himself has been the crowning achievement of bad movies, but has the king been toppled from his throne? In this humble critic's view yes. In 1959 and the subsequent decades, there wasn't a masterpiece of shlock like Plan 9, but now....I don't know, I feel kinda jaded when it comes to bad movies to the point where Plan 9 is utterly a less than okay movie. When a movie has a 4/5 star rating on Amazon, and most of the user reviews on IMDB rate this above an 8, there might be something there. But the whole time I watched the movie I was underwhelmed kind of. The acting is average if a bit off from time to time, the sets are basic, the editing is screwy when it goes from day to night to the point where I came up with a not altogether untrue theory about a cemetry shrouded in forever darkness, the plot is weird concerning aliens ressurecting the earth's dead in some odd half baked plan to get humanity from creating a weapon that will destroy the universe. I have no idea why they are creating zombies in order to solidify galactic peace, and it does make you wonder what the hell the other 8 failed plans were. But of course the solution to everything including peaceful negotiations to save the literal universe is violence, no really the humans hear all this then proceed to exploit the alien's weakness of american fists and blow their ship up! Oh, and don't forget the blatant sexism towards women, because all they are good for is baby and sandwhich making. The 50s, Grease lied to you!! But anyway, it's just average. Maybe I wasn't in the right mood but I've watched Bride Of The Monster, another Ed Wood movie and I greatly enjoyed the so bad it's good quality. With this, I noticed the off shots and cheap effects but didn't really glance twice at the less than good elements of the movie. Is it because I've seen chunks of this movie time and time again in conjecture with the Tim Burton movie so I just can't really bring myself to hate the movie? Or is it the fact I've seen movies that I think are far worse to the point I get blood boiling pissed off? A bit of both, I've never seen a movie so laughably bad before, or at least not yet. I do not laugh at bad movies, I get hostile. Bleeding Steel was an odd movie, completely in it's own world, but was so unapologetically bizzare that it was hard not to enjoy and laugh at the absurdness. I still do not think that is a bad movie, I don't know what it is beyond one of the most entertaining movies I've seen in my life. So Plan 9 fell flat for me, and I know it has a cult fanbase and holds a place in movie history but it is by no means the "worst movie ever". I've seen worse in my time, but you can watch both the movie and the Rifftrax of the movie on Amazon right now, so maybe you can enjoy this movie one way or another, vastly more than me. I give it a solid 2 stars, smack dab in the middle.

Next time though, we go straight to more modern movies with a sterling example of cinematic atrocity, Marky Mark play us out.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Manos The Hands Of Fate

Oh yeah, we are starting this right.

Where does one even begin with Manos...The Hands Of Fate? It's bad. But it's that special kind of bad that must be truly seen to be believed. It is so hard to talk about, just to describe the movie beyond basic plot is an exercise in both futility and madness. A family wanders the countryside and stumbles upon some devil worshipping cult and try to escape. Now based on that summary, this could be an okay movie, like if you got a decent cast and crew Manos could be easily remade and be way more effective. I mean I guess I can't be too rough on the movie (sort of), it started as a bet between a location scout and a literal Texas manure salesman who said he could make a horror movie for $19,000 alone, no professional help or anything, just him and whoever he could hire for cast and crew without going over budget. And the production barriers did not stop there, so the film already had a budget so low that it makes Halloween look like Transformers, but then you add the facts that the camera was a handheld super 8 camera that could shoot about 30 seconds of film at a time, had no sound so everyone had to be dubbed and boy did that work well, no lighting beyond probably a lamp that could illuminate the hood of your car, and no real sets, so the movie was already kind of a doomed project from square one. The actors solidify this fact. I mean God, I know they are amateur actors and never done a bit of acting ever but lord is it not good. Best actor hands down is Tom Neyman who plays The Master and he wins by default just by trying! The husband is hilarious, constantly brushing off every concern his wife has. The wife is the most whiny, complaining, worthless without a man character I have ever seen probably in my life. She gets old fast. The daughter is.....ah. She's just sort of there. And there is this weird, I guess you could call it a subplot if you got a lobotomy and claimed lobsters were your guardians, of this couple that sits in a car on the side of a road and just suck face. I am dead sucking ferious. It cuts from the main story to these two people that have absolutely nothing to contribute to the plot just getting to second, third base, I don't know maybe the outfield and that's it. Manos! The Hands Of Fate! And of course we have Torgo. Dear sweet Torgo. What can you say about him? Beyond the fact that the actor was utterly tripping balls on acid the whole shoot and very sadly died before the movie even premiered. Now I must give credit, I do not think I could recite any dialogue if I was on acid, I would probably be raving about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car, so dedication to your work like that at least gets you brownie points. And I even have a bit of respect for the director, he freely admitted this was a terrible movie to the point where at the premiere in El Paso, yes Manos was filmed in my home state and I will never go to El Paso again, the cast and director bailed. They got out of there so they would not have to face the crowd at the end of the movie. Wow. Even Tommy Wiseau and Ed Wood stuck around till the end. But you know what, I actually read up on a bit of trivia that made me respect the movie just a smidge. The premiere of the movie had portions of the ticket sales go to a cerebral palsy fund, what little profit the film made went to a good cause to help people with a debilitating condition. Shit I wish all bad movies did things like that, yeah you payed to see Twilight but hey a quarter of the profits go to cancer research, that's not a bad thing in my eyes at all! And I'm going to be honest, watching Manos actually made my day. I had a terrible day but you know, I got out of work, grabbed some food, and watched the Mystery Science Theater episode with Manos. That is not a bad way to end the day. Like if you have a bad day turn that on, it really does make your day worthwhile! So yeah, it's a bad movie but it can't be outright despised. You can have fun with this movie. Which is less than I can say for the movies yet to come this month. Tune in next time for Ed Wood's grand opus.

Friday, March 1, 2019

Castle In The Sky

Oh my God this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!!

Now to clear this up beforehand, Castle In The Sky is in fact the first Studio Ghibli movie. Now Nausicaa did come out first but Studio Ghibli wasn't formed at that point, the production company was alled Topcraft but it is still part of their library. It's a bit confusing. So if you want to be truly accurate Castle In The Sky is the first official movie of the legendary studio and it is glorious. I am serious, this is going to be the hardest movie to top in the Studio Ghibli library for me. Seriously, I could gush about how absolutely awesome this movie is for hours on end, it is that ffffflippin' good! Just the characters are the best, the story is the best, the animation though not as heavily detailed like in future Ghibli movies is still something special and wonderful. The voice acting is ridiculously good and fun. And that is the best word for this movie, fun. I had so much fun watching this movie, I was like a little kid again. This a undoubtedly fun family film adventure, almost like if you threw the action and adventure aspects of Indiana Jones, the mythos of Lord Of The Rings, and the perfect likable characters of Star Wars into a blender and mixed it all up. And it is delicious. So what is the story of this incredible film? A young boy meets a young girl with a crystal necklace as she is being hunted by militia and pirates, both of them have lived solitary lives and are suddenly swept up in this adventure of finding a lost castle, rediscovering it's ancient secrets, and trying to protect it from the ever in pursuit villains while trying to keep the girl safe. I think the reason why I love this movie as much as I do not just because the technology is cool, or the world is interesting and stunning to look at, but the characters are just an absolute joy to watch. I love this girl Sheeta and this boy Pazu, they're just so cute together and the voice acting talents of Anna Paquin and James Van Der Beek is what solidifies it, they are kids who are kind of wiser than their years and do not even bat an eye at the crazy events surrounding them. They evade pirates and gunfire, learn about the history of the mysterious city, trust and care for one another, it's just done so well! I love this pirate captain played by Cloris Leachman, she is absolutely incredible and given the opportunity I would be a sky pirate under her command from the word go, she may be older but she's always running about, barking orders, fighting, planning, being kinda grumpy, I mean talk about a treasure worth cherishing. And the bad guy is played by Mark Hamill.....10/10. 10/10! 100/100! Best film! BEST FILM. You have got to watch this movie, give it a shot if you are skeptical of japanese animation, it is so damn entertaining, so funny, so sincere, so lovely, it's kind of a perfect movie. Guys. Come on. I just, ugh! Buy it, watch it, you can get it for ten dollars at a Walmart. You have no excuse. The rest of the Studio Ghibli films I have not seen, oooh boy there is going to be some stiff competition from now on. I really need to go back and watch Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, and My Neighbor Totoro again really just to see if this movie surpasses them in quality entertainment and great animated family films cause I feel it has.

And the worst part is this the last hurrah time. Pray for me. I'm going to die.