Tuesday, August 25, 2020


Well this sucks.

A sudden turn of events has ensured my missing of Bill & Ted 3. Turns out I'm not just moving to a new place, I'm moving from south Texas to east Texas. I'm almost packed for the big trip but it will mean not a single review will come out this week. I don't want to do the first 2 Bill & Ted movies then not do the third and have to pick it up later. It sort of defies the purpose. And I've been so busy I hardly have time to even just plan what reviews will hit for the rest of the year. Except for those big events I keep alluding to, and it's high time I reveal at least one of the big ones. It's like I knew this was going to be a rough year so I took precautions and have had this sitting on my shelf for...5 months roughly. So I'm just gonna say it. Next month, Marvel. All of them. From Iron Man to Endgame. Spoiler alert, my opinion has not changed much about the MCU now that I have watched them all. So from the first of September, one a day every day, until we hit Endgame. By my count about, 22 movies in a row. The longest marathon I've ever done. No doubt will hit 700 reviews during then. And after that monstrosity, business as usual come October, another big project that believe it or not I've been holding onto since January of this year, then some Christmas gifts to me and once again to hell with your cheer and merriment. Goodie. Yeah I'm totally not going to be shanked in the streets after next month. What?? Noooo. Everyone's gonna love it. Fuget'abou it! Let the good times roll. Don't crucify me, I (sorta) like living.

Thursday, August 20, 2020

Terminator 2 Judgement Day

Alright, I shall concede.

I not only would say Terminator 2 is superior to the first movie but is one of the few sequels that are better in every single way. All the elements that were birthed in the universe of the first Terminator movie are not only expanded upon but I think done better, I mean no shock there this movie had a severely improved budget and we were nearing an era of unprecedented special effects. I mean this movie hit before Jurassic Park and proved that we have the means, we have the technology, we can do something big. And don't even ask how in the moons of Mars they pulled half these CG shots off, it's downright absurd how good it still looks today. Shit, if I'm being really honest it looks better than 90% of movie's effects today. It might as well be magic, and by God do I miss those days of movie magic. So where do we go after the arduous battle with the T-800? Well the war is still kinda going in 2029, mark your calendars and buy stock in Apple everybody so we can die, and our band of resistance meatsacks sends a reprogrammed T-800 back in time after Skynet sends a completely unheard of model, the T-1000, back to not only exterminate Sarah Connor but her son John. So we meet up with the hero of the human race who turns out was a wiseass street smark punk back in the day, as very quickly the chase is on. We meet up with Sarah who has got major PTSD after the bullshit she went through last film, and the trio set out to destroy the company that unwittingly crafted Skynet while desperately trying not to get shanked by a liquid metal Robert Patrick. It's pretty spectacular. I mean already the movie throws you for a curveball and takes a similar but drastically different plot synopsis of the first movie, the action is still some of the best I've seen and you can sure as hell tell it's real, the actors are all given good material to work with in particular Linda and Arnold. I could probably make a case that Arnold gets the award for acting in this, because it is a stark contrast from the first, with him getting into conversations, learning human emotion, and developing a personality throughout. Don't get me wrong, he was really friggin' good in the first movie but he obviously gets a lot more to do in this. Linda Hamilton is just like, f***ing go big or go home, my God is she going for it and succeeds spectacularly! Her character gets more developed, and her performance gets more developed. I am here for it. I know some people give some good grief to Edward Furlong for his performance, but I bought it, I loved it, I thought he totally had the attitude and personality of a street smart kid and you can tell he really does give the performance his all. Easily one of the best young actors I've seen. But good sweet lord, so much was riding on Robert Patrick in this movie, and it payed off in aces. That's some of the most brilliant casting I've ever seen, he's not physically imposing, he blends in a crowd, but the dread has been turnt up to 11! Arnold scared me just a wee bit in the last movie, but here? I'm out. Ju-nope. That is like, all the nope. F*** me, is his performance golden. He can play the role of a police officer but when the pendulum drops, game over man, there is nooo way you're walking out alive. Perfect. Absolute class. I'm trying so hard not to spiral down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out these special effects, I can't believe how well it turned out and I could watch hours of documentary footage on this and still not have a clue how the T-1000 came to life. So I'll just move on to final scores. 4 stars, 8.5/10! And there was never another Terminator movie again, the end. The story's done, yeah we could take a Ian Malcolm stance on it and say that in the case of Skynet, "Life uh, finds a way." but come on, they introduced and tied up the loose ends for a reason. We had an arc, we had closure, it wasn't an insult to my intelligence, that's it. Bye-bye, I'll see you next week for....something.

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

The Terminator

It's a bad time to be a movie reviewer. Nothing is coming out on time.

So let's set the wayback machine for 1984, to check out one of the best sci-fi movies and has left a mark indescribable in size for movies and pop culture. I was very impressed with this movie and it has been considerable time since I last sat down to watch it, we're talking easily a decade here. But I'll be damned if I said it didn't hold up. I actually did forget that James Cameron directed both movies, everyone talks about his work on Terminator 2 but never this one which is a shame cause he had it just as much then and I like the fact he wrote it as well so it truly does feel like his movie. Now the plot is as original as you see it to be, to regular moviegoing audiences the concept of a raging war between man and machine that has reached a stalemate leading both sides to send agents back in time, to save and kill respectively, an important figure that would lead to the defeat of the machines, would be an awesomely original concept and it no doubt is executed about as perfect as you can get but there have been other stories like it before that time and place. Hell, certain plot elements is a spin off of the Grandfather Paradox which in and of itself is a spin off of the Bootstrap Paradox. Google it. So it handles all the elements incredibly well. The time travel is explained and works uniquely, the action is done incredibly well, the special effects were really unlike anything else, even the romance angle isn't half bad. Add on top of that the great camera work, the f***ing hardcore soundtrack, really damn good acting, and you truly have a great movie. Now why it garnered so much popularity and success is another story, the film performed pretty well at the box office and critics did like it but at the same time it took 7 years to make the next film, an unheard of occurence then and more so now. This really could have been the one and only but it had a half life all of it's own. I think just the concept of the film mixed with the excellent special effects is what got people to go see it, but let's talk about Arnold. I have heard so many people kinda bash his performance, "Oh he looks obviously like a giant robot, walks like one, talks like one, it's sort of hard to take him seriously.". F***ing and?? How is that a bad thing? He embodies the role in an almost method actor way, he doesn't move more than he has to, rarely speaks, handles weapons with eerily precise speed and movement, I genuinely was taken aback by his performance but in the best way possible. He kinda scares the hell out of me just a bit, exactly as he should. The film knows how to build that tension, dread, and even anxiety especially towards the end. So...piss off maybe? It's a great movie, easily making it's own genre that Cameron himself dubbed Tech-Noir, a very appropriate title, and unexpectedly got raped into a franchise. It happens. 4 stars, 8/10! Will the sequel surpass this one like it does in many people's eyes? Possibly, but I would never argue if you said the first was still the best. I'll be back.

Thursday, August 13, 2020

Wayne's World 2

Oh thank God this was good!

I didn't want it to be just as good as the first, I didn't want it to be better, I just wanted it to be good. Turns out it's just as good as the first, though I would say I prefer the first movie more. But it's close, very very close by a gnat's wing. After the surprising hit of the first movie Paramount wasted no time getting this sequel out by next year, yet it doesn't feel rushed. The production is still good arguably better, the writing and performances are still really damn good, and the story still feels like Wayne's World. So we pick up a year after the first movie and things are going well for everybody, Wayne and Garth are still running their show, Cassandra's career is going strong, and even Garth gets a lady friend. I will however concede they do the smarmy music manager is trying to steal Cassandra plot point again, apparently they wanted Rob Lowe to come back but he declined and so of course, they get Christopher Walken for the role. I'm not complaining. At all. But it's certainly a new role I've seen him in. In fact, I was stunned completely rigid at the star power in this movie. True the first movie had good ol' Al Bundy, Rob Lowe, they even got Alice Cooper which was pretty rad, but in this movie...good God I lose track. Christopher Walken, James Hong, Charlton Heston, Aerosmith, Heather Locklear, Kim Basinger, Harry Shearer, Drew Barrymore, it's absurd how many guest star cameos they got in this movie. And each part is memorable and performed well, which is never an easy thing to do in writing. The film still has it's unique style of humor which still works to great effect, but this time you can tell they had a higher budget so they could do more stuff. They did homages to Thelma & Louise, Jurassic Park, the big plot point of hosting a Woodstock style concert (complete with the bad acid reference), they even go out of their way to do almost a complete recreation of The Graduate's ending. Which believe me, I was flipping out over cause I just wasn't expecting it at all. There's so much I want to talk about but obviously can't go through the movie point by point, so speed round time! James Hong is the man and gives an incredibly fun performance with a cute tribute to absurdly choreographed martial arts films. Christopher Walken gets to tear up a dance floor and my God is it glorious, I can forgive the repeated plot beat just for that. Friggin' Jim Morrison is in the movie, not played by Val Kilmer but a fairly good potrayal nonetheless, which that in and of itself was a treat cause The Doors are easly my favorite band ever. Maybe I should review Val Kilmer's The Doors movie, it sounds interesting enough. I really had a great time with this! I wanted a good movie and I got a pretty awesome movie, it's entertainment fluff yes but when has that truly been a bad thing? If you have a good time with it, and accept it for what the movie truly is, then you got something good on your hands. 4 stars once again, 8/10, I would fully recommend buying these movies and personally can't wait to add them to my already obnoxiously large collection.

Alright, this better work. Next week, Bill & Ted. For the love of the moon and stars above I hope the movie actually gets released on time.

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Wayne's World

Absolutely brilliant.

I had slight reservations with this movie, I didn't really think I would go for it as much as I did. Then I got about 10 minutes into the film. F***ing class! It's been a minute since I saw a film this hilarious and just pure fun. Which is odd because the comedy style of the movie, I've practically been watching for over a decade on my various review shows, very absurd humor but written and executed flawlessly. I mean hell, this movie genuinely does feel like a film made by some friends who create fun little videos online, it's a very approachable and specific form of comedy but it's awesome. Now when I tell you the plot you're gonna be thinking, that's it that's all it's about? But just roll with me and trust me. The movie is basically about two friends, Wayne and Garth, who run a cable access show from their basement, and a complete yuppie money grubbing asshat tries to steal it to promote his own business. Oh, they don't go into this long winded and overly involved plot about getting the show back, they barely go through the trope of Wayne and Garth stop being friends. Literally when those plot points happen, there's maybe 20 minutes of film. They don't have that kind of time so they just move on. Beautiful. Why can't more movies do that? I had a wild time with this movie, the performances are awesome, the comedy is absurdly great, and the music selection got huge approval and love from me. With one exception. I felt attacked, betrayed, and triggered something fierce when they couldn't play Stairway To Heaven. I was LIVID over that! I know it's based on true facts but how dare you? Bastards. I didn't think this movie was going to be bad by any stretch of the imagination, but I also didn't expect to just love it as much as I did. When I understand this humor and these characters on a personal level, like I've had many a friend like these dudes and it was scary accurate on top of that then you got me hook, line, and sinker. 4 stars! 8.5/10! Problem now is, I'm genuinely scared to death of the sequel and hope it's actually good. I felt I needed to finally watch these movies especially with (if the gods are willing and kind) Bill & Ted 3 hitting theaters, so expect those movies next week. Fingers crossed on all fronts here people.

Friday, August 7, 2020

In Retrospect: Doctor Who: Series 12

Oh yes. This is the good stuff.

Quick sidebar, I am severely offended by the IMDB scores for this season. I mean seriously f*** off, this was a fantastic season despite it really only having one bad episode. I actually rewatched series 11 before this and...it got better guys! I won't lie to you for a second, I had a really good time and the series improved upon second viewing, it went from a decent series to a pretty good series. And the same can be said for series 12, I loved it the first time around and it only got better the second time. I strongly believe the huge appeal to this series is the performances though the stories are quite good. Jodie has fully come into her own in this series and continues to entertain, she's honestly higher up in my eyes than most people would rank her. Bradley Walsh, my man, my love, my hero, objectively is the second best companion (we all know who number one is) we have ever had in modern Doctor Who and brings unbridaled joy to my life. Sacha Dhawan, I'm just gonna say it though I haven't seen all of Who, is my favorite Master hands down. Period. That sounds slightly filthy but I don't even care, it is full on man crush at this point. Him and sexy Jack, oh my goodness gracious don't get me started. You know for 10 episodes this really didn't waste too much of your time. Orphan 55 is like the cult hit of modern Doctor Who, it really is, no joke, the so bad it's good episode. Love And Monsters couldn't have that but this can, it's unreal I tell you. Even Praxeus isn't complete garbage but I do strongly side with classic Who fans who wanted it to be a Sea Devils story, given the full treatment like the Silurians in terms of costumes and effects. Classic Who gets some major love in this series overall, and while I've only seen bits of the First Doctor, almost all of the Third Doctor, and seen all of the Sixth and Seventh Doctor, I still greatly appreciate and understand what they are bringing up. I got quite a kick out of people reacting to part 2 of Spyfall and being so confused to the whole "contact" scene, check your facts! No but seriously, I had a grand time with this and the finale, hand over my hearts, I loved it and accepted it. Now, I know. Jus- I know. But to me, a slightly above beginner watcher of Doctor Who, see no problem with it. We still don't know anything. We got like two bits of information into the history of her people, and still don't have a clue who she is. Soooo, I'm here for it. They were pretty much gonna do it way back in 1990 if the damn show didn't get cancelled, in fact I could make a case for this whole series being very much inspired by my favorite classic Doctor, the Seventh. Villa Diodati gave me heavy Ghost Light vibes, Orphan 55 as I stated before has some Paradise Towers elements, hell the finale has some nods to Survival if only brief ones, maybe it's just the hardcore fan in me of that particular era but I saw it. Christmas could not get here sooner, and that's probably the only time I'm gonna say that on this show. But let's not get confused here, I want it to be here for the special, not for your disgusting holiday cheer and obnoxious merriment. The shady things I would do for a tissue compression eliminator to use during December. Whew...now that's a happy Christmas. I can't even imagine what could come next for our Tardis team, but if I have the means my eyes will be glued to the screen every week. But if you dare, if you think for even a single microsecond of killing Graham, I'm done. I'm out. I'm not watching it again. You do our Bradley dirty like that, I would call an army down upon you that would make the Daleks leak their casings. This isn't for comedic purposes, this is an ultimatum. Don't. Until then, I'm excited for this show like I was still 16 again and watching all the series for the first time. And for more hilarious and downright brilliant breakdowns of this entire series and series 11, I could not urge people enough to go check out the spoilerific reviews from the channel Votesaxon07. I watch it almost weekly that is how entertaining it is for me. Next week, a quick jaunt back to the 90s.

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Charlie's Angels Full Throttle

Shite. Well, thanks for joining this review. Bye!!

I can't decide what's f***ing worse, the first movie that was in it's own little world doing it's own thing or this movie trying so hard to do stuff and failing miserably! And to think, I dare thought that the first movie was bad. No no no no. This. This sucks. Every point of the last movie that was already bad and made me want to peel the skin off my face and then skull rape my own eyesockets gets worse! How??! Hot buttery biscuits, how?? Don't even attempt the damn drinking game cause you will die. There's no getting around it, you would be dead, there would be more alcohol than blood in your body and you would cease to breathe. I mean the first movie was at least a bit funny, and had decent effects, and good actors doing decent work! True the objectifying bullshit was bad, but this thiiiis is the worst I have ever seen. The effects are just, pssh I'm not even going to talk about it I'm just gonna ask you, the f*** is wrong with you? And somehow you squandered more talent in this than the last, you couldn't even get Bill Murray because he was either filming Lost In Translation or was too bleedin' good for this, you got Bruce Willis and the shittin' T-1000 in this movie and you do dick with them. You bring John Cleese...and you break him in this movie. Nevermind the fact I'm wondering what sin he commited to be in this movie, but you see his character just crumble and you know what? Damn you, damn you to hell and take your movie with you. I liked his character and you broke him. Thank God you at least had Bernie Mac, because I love that man and he was my eternal sunshine in this movie, he made me laugh so much and goddamn do I miss him! I know our main leads probably had a lot of fun and if for nothing else, made good memories shooting a movie with friends. That's fine, I have nothing against them even a teeny bit, if you can look back on it fondly it isn't too terrible. Oh God, I'm rambling. The story has some meat to it or at least highly processed meat to it, I mean you still got your whatever caper but then you get stuff like, backstory into Dylan and an old adversary of hers returns, you get a retired Angel coming into the fray, the possibility of Natalie moving on from the team and having a life of her own. These are not horrible concepts by any stretch, but the execution and style of the film is what completely shoots itself in the foot. Wait, I take that back. It is shoving a double barrel shotgun down it's throat and somehow pulling the trigger twice. I can appreciate trying to make this a more involved and important film, but it just doesn't work. It doesn't feel earned, it certainly doesn't match the tone and direction, this is shut your brain off entertainment action shlock. I like our lead actors, they're having fun so screw it let sleeping dogs lie, John Cleese and Bernie Mac are amazing and I love them so, but beyond that....no. You even brought my guy back, you brough skinny bollocks back still being played by Crispin Glover, but you gave him 3 scenes and I don't like that. Plus the kiss was just, f***ing hwhat??? When the most interesting part of your movie is a side character whose name in itself is a mystery to me because I have heard of several characters throughout my life with the moniker of The Thin Man but I don't know anything beyond that and I want to research it (and by research I mean spend 10 minutes and google it) just to learn more. That's it! And you would have to pay me sacks of money to review the new one. No. Non merci. I will be watching and reviewing something I actually love with a female lead this Friday, thank you very much. Do I give it a rating? It sort of defies ratings but okay. 1 star, 3.5/10, there's my meaningless scores. I'm done, bye.

Monday, August 3, 2020

Charlie's Angels

Is this what I'm really doing with my life?

I needed something to rant about and in my experience, watching reviewer's squirm and lose their damn minds is highly entertaining, so I give this gift to you. It's not a review, it's entertainment. It took considerable time to build up the courage to watch this movie, it was delaying the inevitable if I have ever seen it in my life. This movie....this f***ing movie. Sweet Jesus. Okay, positives first. Bill Murray is really damn funny as always but it just hurts me to see him in this. They use a lot of practical effects and really do stuff, so you get points for that but really the only reason I feel they did that is because the CG is like, it's not even PS2 graphics cause that's a slap in the face to those games, it's bad. Let's just leave it at that, it's bad. That's the trick with this movie, every good thing I can say about it has a negative connotation with it. The cast is great, but they are in this movie. The action is done well, but obviously faked with extensive wire work. The effects in general are practical, but due to the limitations of the budget and technology. The humor is awful and cringey...wait no that's nothing but bad. It's shite. Do I even talk about the plot? It's buried under so much bullshit with the "style" I guess you could call it that, the humor, the blatant and quite frankly uncomfortable male gazing. Now do not get me wrong, Cameron, Drew, and Lucy are very beautiful women and there is precisely squat wrong with beautiful women being total action stars, but that's not the issue. It is childish and grossly uncomfortable as to how these women are potrayed, I couldn't look at the screen half the time cause I was getting second degree/secondhand embarassment from watching this flick. I know it's a product of the super early 2000s, which could have charm of it's own but combined with the other elements it just flops. The only parts I could unashamedly love was Bill Murray, Sam Rockwell, and Crispin Glover. Any movie that let's Sam Rockwell bust a move for no other reason than because screw you he can, gets good points. Crispin Glover, perfect acting for this role I mean I buy every second that he's this wild hitman with, well let's just say it, very certain kinks. I don't kink shame, and this movie fits a lot of kinks in it's runtime, but damn. I'm just rambling, I can't even talk about this movie concisely, I could make a 7 part review and I still wouldn't get it all out of my system. What the everlasting hell is this movie? Cause I don't have an answer and I probably never will. I guess you could say it's a popcorn movie, a turn your brain off kind of entertainment, but I think it goes beyond the parameters of normal movie genres. We could have a phenomenon on our hands here. This movie did the impossible, you got Bill Murray and fffront flippin' Tim Curry in a scene together with the backdrop being a japanese themed party, and you made me not like it. Are y-

Just screw it. Have a drinking game, sure why not. It's a party! Take a shot everytime you get a slow-mo shot, double shot if they swish their hair, take a shot everytime absurd wire work makes a decent action scene a farce, take a shot everytime we get an ass shot, take a shot everytime we get such blatant sexual references and dialogue it would make porn seem subtle and nuanced if you want to end it all and die of liver failure in a coma. It's the only way to fly. I can't even believe I just watched this! I can't keep doing this you guys, there's a lot to see in this life and I'm not wasting it here. You can put me in the sequel, but I'm not gonna guarantee that I'll be lucid when I review it. At least the soundtrack was good. But what do I know? I hated Transformers, and everybody loooves Transformers so you can't trust a syllable out of my mouth, can you. I'm like that coffee machine, from bean to cup you f*** up. I give it 4 leather pants out of 5, now who's got the nose candy?