Breaking Dawn

I'm not splitting it in two.

Who thought of that? I mean really, who said this story needed to be cut in half? With The Deathly Hallows it made sense, there was a lot of ends to tie up and plenty to do to fill the runtime of two 2 hour movies. This does not. I could have done the whole movie in a single 2 and a half hour picture because not that much happens in the first part, and you could argue even less happens in the second. So let's talk part 1, shall we? What happens story wise? Well Edward and Bella get married and yeah, the wedding aesthetic they chose looked very nice but it takes up 1/4 of the movie alone, then we go down to Rio for the honeymoon and piddle around for what seems like months just watching Bella be horny to the point of begging for sex (Always striving for progress aren't you Twilight?) and shock of all shocks, Bella gets preggers. She screwed a dead person and something bad happened to her, who would have thunk it?? So they haul ass back to Forks and already Bella has got a huge baby bump, and every vampire is scared absolutely shitless probably because they've seen Rosemary's Baby and are anticipating for some hellspawn to erupt from her stomach while Bella has still lost her mind from 3 movies back and wants to keep it, yet again dismissing all advice from her family and friends because it's not what she wants. I will say however the makeup is excellent, she looks like she is carrying around a life sucking demon in her uterus, huge props to the makeup! I am so happy she dies in this movie. Like could you imagine if this film just went grim horror after the birth? Bella dies, Jacob loses his shit and kills the baby, Edward kills Jacob and absolute war breaks out between the vampires and the werewolves leaving very few people alive. Which is much better than what actually happens! Jacob sees the baby and immediately has a full on Dreamweaver fantasy about Bella's newborn daughter....this name is the worst name of all names, Renesme or Reneesme both spellings are completely f***ed, and thus newborn porn began!!! I'm sorry I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. It didn't help that I was drinking and in a foul mood already. I know I am skimming through this movie but when you have 4 HOOOURS of shit you'll forgive me if I don't delve too deep. I will say however the soundtrack is ass and with the exception of some nice callbacks to the first soundtrack (Seriously you could not play Bella's Lullaby in the past two movies??) it falls flat, there is abusive amounts of montages, I still hate the characters, you do not get to second base at your wedding ceremony, there was hardly anything that I liked, and I want this nightmare to be over so badly I would sacrifice small children! I've got such a headache, and feel honestly sick to my stomach, I should feel elated and happy because I'm so close to being done but nope! 2 more hours of bullshit to go and I think I'm going to die. Or at the very least go to the hospital.

Oh my God. It's done. I'm free! Man for the last part of a series it certainly goes at break neck speed until the end which is baffling because it's still 2 hours long. It's like the past 3 movies worth of nothing happening came flooding into this movie. It does not screw around, there is so much that happens but can easily be condensed, Bella becomes a vampire and the Volturi learn of her new daughter and seek to eliminate the Cullen line. But jeez so much happens in those plot points, we meet so many more vampires that could have had more in depth backstories and characterizations but no! Which sucks because their special powers and slight character is interesting! Bella's transformation is glossed over though so quickly it really kind of breaks the movie and further hammers my point home of not splitting the movie in two. Because if you waited another year or however long between part 1 and 2 and kinda went to see this movie without rewatching the last, it leaves you in the dust. There is no recap or slow accustomizing of Bella's power now and it gave me whiplash and I finished the last damn movie about 30 minutes before I started this movie, so you can imagine how people were just shoved into this without something to grab onto who waited a year. There is jack shit to talk about beyond this big climatic fight which leads to easily the best moment of the movie, and maybe even the series. Michael Sheen is needed in this movie. Why? Because he is endlessly amusing and the performance he gives in one single solitary scene almost makes it worth the 3+ hour trip of this movie. Don't watch the movies, just YouTube Breaking Dawn laugh. You will thank me later. And I still feel the ending fight was a cop out despite the fact Alice saves everyone further proving why she is the greatest person in this series from now until the end of forever, because why would a story actually change things??? We can't have characters dying, and a true sense of drama and shock! People just want the same story from beginning to end over and over again!! Stories don't change from the beginning to the end, stories never change and characters never develop, cause that's clearly why people read expansive tales covered in several books. It's just to see the same thing! And to end this horrible, horrible week I bring up this final point. Above every single title since New Moon there has been an epitath, the Twilight saga. Now I took the time to look up the definition of the word Saga which was and I quote, "a long story of heroic achievement, or a long, involved story, account, or series of incidents.". And the Twilight series fails on every one of those points. There is no heroic achievement, no journeys, no battles, no glory to be won. Nor is it a involved story, it is brief and without much history or depth in the scope of this world, the writing is simply basic and tells a non-compelling story about a romance. Now romances are fine and good, many have been created both literally and cinematically through over a century that are still held in high regard today. But the reasons we read or watch romances is to see the emotional connection of two people and so that we can partake in the pleasure of their growing relationship, one of the best if not the best romance tales that a lot of people point to in this day and age is Disney's Beauty & The Beast. But why? Because every character action, movement, line of dialogue, and choice enhances our enjoyment and our growing fondness of these characters. We want to see them together, we want there to be a happily ever after, we want love to triumph over the forces of anger and evil. And there is no such thing in Twilight and even more so in next week's films, the highly talked about and even more publically and critically destroyed, Fifty Shades Of Grey.