Wednesday, March 13, 2019


Yep I was right! I hate being right about bad movies!!

Nothing happens in this movie. A conflict is resolved that has no major standing or satisfying conclusion and the movie ends where it practically began. That is not good storytelling! How do you do that? How do you have a movie about a small underground vampire army led by loose end Victoria from movie number 1 waging war on the Cullens, forcing them to team up with the wolves and take them out, and make it the most boring shit and completely irrelevant story I have ever seen in my life? Two major developments happen in this movie, Edward asks Bella to marry him after what, 3 years at best of dating(?) and the redhead gets out of the picture and both takes over an hour and a half to complete. So what you might ask happens in the intervening hour and a half? Not much! We still get brief glimmers of good characters and moments but we still revert to melodrama bullshit that would be laughed off the Lifetime channel. We get a tiny bit more lore about the werewolves which is infinitely interesting and could be it's own movie, I genuinely like how there is this great sense of family and loyalty within the pack which I liked. Further backstory is given to a few of the Cullens, both of which is interesting and even a bit enlightening almost as if the writer said, oh yeah we have other characters of this family and we don't know much about them so let's give them some story. And it's good stuff! It's original, and fascinating, and even a bit emotional stuff that we desperately needed more of in this series. I refuse to call it a saga, I will not insult your intelligence like that or my own. There's actually some hilarious dialogue from our three main leads, yet again showing how the dialogue could be more dynamic and fun, but it's so few in such a long movie. I do not like these characters very much, Bella is harboring on sociopathic and completely refuses to listen to EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER telling her that her decisions could and will have consequences and that maybe she should sleep on the whole vampire thing. But no. As stubborn as a bull. And the fact she has the...ovaries to just make out with Jacob not 20 feet away from her future husband that I'm pretty sure every woman in the theater watching that scene had their hands down their pants, but whatever. Class act as ever Bella!! Edward is surprisingly okay even though he gets catty with Jacob every two seconds, but I like the talk they have near the end and just kinda hash things out and are kind of okay with one another, that was a nice change of pace, they don't duke it out they just talk. But Jacob, ooh boy, Jacob gets a little creepy. I'm talking obsessed, stalker, kinda rape-y creepy, it may not be for that long but Jesus fish it still happened and it' putting shall we say. It just has issues that could be fixed and salvaged and to add insult to injury there is always a few good things in each movie, whether they be cute little moments like the fact Charlie and Alice chit chat for awhile and they seem to get along really well. Like can I just get a movie where we see the day to day stuff of everybody besides our love triangle? I would pay to see a movie where Charlie pals around with his friends, goes to bars, fishes and hunts, and just get a little slice of his life. Or you know, getting a collage of all the Cullen's backstories and major defining moments of their lives. There is so many little gems of just good moments, and writing, and characters it boggles my mind how we end up with this. You tied up a loose end and set up a wedding. Yippee. And you know what? Stephanie Meyer ended the series with this. No seriously, this was how it was supposed to end, but people clearly did not like it just sort of ending more abruptly than The Sopranos so they wanted a real ending. Well sometimes you better be careful of what you wish for, cause now I have not one but two movies to review, and I don't want to ffff***ing watch them!! Cause we couldn't wrap it up in one movie, we had to rip off Harry Potter and do the last story in two parts! I'm gonna break something, I am so frustrated, this is gonna degrade fast into an hours long rant I need to stop.

Home stretch people, we'll see if I make it.

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