Rewind This

I don't even want to call this a documentary, it's so much more a retrospective.

I absolutely adore Rewind This, it might be the biggest love letter to VHS I've ever seen. Again it doesn't really dig into the history of how VHS came to be, what it accomplished, and how it faded, it certainly touches on those things but really it's this look at so many facets of that industry. 90 minutes with credits can't do it justice, so it's very much like here when we do lightning rounds. They touch on how JVC came up with the idea, the competition with Betamax tapes, how studios sold the rights to get films on tape, they even delve into the adult market and how pornos made an impact, they discuss cover art for the boxes, tape trading and bootlegging, how independent filmmaking got a big surge thanks to the video camera, among other topics. It's all done with a lot of love and positivity, the range of interviews solidifies this point alone, we see some familiar faces from Adjust Your Tracking, but we also see video store owners, recognizable names of the horror industry, a good few japanese actors and filmmakers, and more that makes it undeniably real and even at times heartfelt. I will say this little special started off with an iron fist to my solar plexus, we start off at a Trader's Village and I was like huh I've been to one of those before, and then the city of Grand Prairie Texas pops up and I was half expecting to see 9 year old me on camera at any moment, never has any piece of media quite hit that close to home for me! After that I was glued to the screen, and honestly the more I think about it the more genuine appreciation and affection I have for this retrospective grows. Everything is just worn on it's sleeve here, it's the most candid and somehow unbiasedly biased documentary I've seen. It's dirt simple in terms of production but it's the stories, the experiences, the emotions showcased here that grabs you! Sweet Jesus God, when they start talking about the then modern landscape of media and how physical media is being put by the wayside um...Nostradamus himself couldn't have called it better and if anything reinforces why I try my damndest to buy the things I love. I have, hand over my heart, more than 1,100 pieces of music on my phone's library but I still buy CDs. I actually have a bevy of streaming platforms but with certain films and shows I wholeheartedly buy them. I am a hardcover book kind of Dude, I won't even touch a digital book. Now granted admittedly I'm a jaded old man who loves his anachronisms that is plain to see, yet I feel anyone can grasp especially when watching this why people not only hold VHS so dearly but advocate to own something for life physically. I'm really blown away by this. Adjust Your Tracking was the extreme side of the VHS fan spectrum, whereas this is more mainstream and as stated above focuses on the many aspects of the format. I couldn't recommend it higher, and hypocritical though it is you can watch both these documentaries on Tubi for free but I would gladly slap down money for the VHS copy of this celebration of home video. 4 stars, 8.5/10! And next week we look at something that I was positive I've reviewed before and was amazed I didn't.

Adjust Your Tracking

Fun fact true fact, both this and my next review have been sitting in my Amazon cart since about 2016.

So to finally get to watch this is pretty neat, I mean anything with VHS is up my alley. But holy fuckaroli I thought I was dedicated to good old fashioned videotapes, until I saw this documentary and the maniacs presented therein. Now it's not really about the history or commercial impact VHS had on the world, it's more about the hardcore collectors and their undying passion for what many people even in 2012 when they were filming this damn thing would deem obsolete. It's a very simple and straightforward project where they just film these guys about their experiences, memories, and love for VHS which does rather prompt me to join in the fun myself and tell tales. Although my collection is sparse compared to theirs and my experience with videotapes is rather limited to that 1995 to 2005 era, so basically the tail end of it all I am a stalwart believer in physical media and have a soft spot for this material. If the statistic presented in this documentary is true, 45% of VHS showcases whether movie, show, or other has not made the leap to DVD or even Blu-Ray kinda proves why I refuse to say it's dead or useless. Do I have nostalgic ties to it? Of course I do. I got 3 or 4 banana boxes filled with tapes and still watch them from time to time! So I can easily understand and appreciate the folks shown here and their dedication, it's undeniably a niche documentary for a niche group but it's interesting to hear their stories and see how they've built a community with likeminded people. That was easily my favorite part near the end when you hear them talk about how fun and rewarding it is to seek and hunt films either solo or with friends at these hole in the wall shops or even at yard sales and stuff like that, I mean it's gratifying to hear from my point of view. When I first moved down to where I live now, those first couple of months, I was trying to seek out any video store I could and every single one no longer existed. It was a bummer man but it was always something I enjoyed, Blockbuster was pretty much it when I was far younger than I am now and to wander the aisles and rent something I never would have seen otherwise was special! I love bopping around used bookstores and looking at stuff, I do still on occasion pick up a VHS tape if it's something I love and want to have. I love my old shit, I can't help it and I shan't do anything to stop it. I think it's pretty groovy to see people want to preserve history in any form they can, and you can tell the folks interviewed have the love for it even if the movie sucks. It doesn't help I was familiar with some of the movie titles they were throwing around and hearing some of the prices of money they dropped on certain films made me just shake my head and sigh heavily, but fans exist of all types of media where they accept it all good, bad, or ugly. I can't hate that! For a barely 80 minute look into extreme collectors of magnetic home video entertainment it was a fun watch and I'm just happy I got to ramble about something I love. I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10!

Poultrygeist

I'm not disappointed.

Despite the absolute shitstorm hellscape I was briefly aware of on the production of this movie, Poultrygeist is my second favorite Troma movie now. The adage "art through adversity" exists for a reason and this might be the most biting and outrageous commentary on not only fast food but social outcry as well. Based around a fried chicken restaurant built on an indian burial ground we follow the plight of hapless dipshit Arbie who when confronted with his liberally minded and newly lesbionic girlfriend Wendy out of spite works at the fast food joint, as cross contamination with food and obvious green death goo births zombie chicken people and the fight to stay alive is on. Easily the funniest since Toxic Avenger both in the blunt lines and visual gags, you can tell they had a lot to say but credit must go to the actors who make it as funny as it is. Jason Yachanin is nothing short of hilariously dumb as Arbie, honestly to the point where he's an unlikeable prick who somehow still makes you laugh. Very few people in fact are present who you can cheer for! Kate Graham as Wendy slays me with some of her line deliveries and her run makes me almost weep just thinking about it now, and Wendy is unabashedly a stance on the mostly ditzy bimbo who's a try hard environmentalist fighting the good fight (or at least attempting to). Robin L. Watkins is our human villain this time around, the epitome of corpulence and greed as the restaurant chain's leader who does everything in his power to keep the food running amidst all the body fluids painting the walls. But is it parody if it's true? If legends have a kernel of truth to them, parodies have a thick layer of truth to them. My choice of favorite character is Hummus, mainly because every character gives her shit on her muslim heritage which is beyond unwarranted and she gets to save the day at the end, so I dig that. Oh did I mention it's kind of a musical too? It's not prevalent throughout, but we do get legit music numbers when characters sing their feels or have a debate complete with backup dancers, I won't lie it's pretty catchy. The special effects have never been more gross or bloody and while I'm not positive what the budget was it all came together super well, from the zombie chicken prosthetics, to the geysers of blood, to the shall we say creative implements utilized it's very impressive what all they got on screen. In fact it certainly sounds like a miracle there was even a movie at all, and I'm interested to watch the documentary for myself which is on record as required viewing material if you ever want to work at Troma. It certainly makes me appreciate the film all the more when you hear it's such a hassle to get done. We sure went out on a high note and I'm very pleased to have finally gotten my hands on that underground niche of shock cinema, but knowing me I kinda figured I would enjoy it anyway! And you're in luck if you sick bastards want in as well because every movie reviewed here and then some is available 100% free on Tubi. 4 stars, 8/10, and in the words of Johnny Olson come on down!

Tromeo And Juliet

I would easily watch this over the Baz Luhrman movie any day of the week.

Now is it shall we say faithful to Shakespeare? Nnnnno. But a funny adaptation it is, taking the romance of star crossed lovers and their feuding families and delivers it the only way Troma could. It's undoubtedly a passion project from Lloyd and took a long ass time to get backing enough to even start production, but he wanted to go for it and I must give credit where it is due. This was not a Kabukiman style production of over a million bucks, about $350,000 but the quality on the screen speaks volumes to the dedicated crew who worked on it. It takes a fine balance to quote Shakespeare among other classic authors and combine that with gore and lewdness, but it works well in my eyes. It certainly helps this is one of the strongest casts I've seen in a Troma picture, Jane Jensen and Will Keenan effortlessly captures that wide eyed romance just with a lot more banging involved, William Beckwith is a classically trained actor and ooh it has been a minute since I've seen a villain this damn hateable and just gross he may truthfully be the standout performance, Valentine Miele which is a name in and of itself something ol' William would come up with is such a little shit that he may be my favorite of the troupe, and if you need any confirmation as to why I enjoy this so much the whole story and narration is done by fuckin' Lemmy from Motorhead. That absolutely should have been part of every production of this play. Admittedly it's not as out there as some of the other movies I've reviewed this week, at least until nearer the end, and it takes such a street level view with this world known story that warrants at least one viewing. The production design, the extras, the soundtrack, the effects, all the pieces that make it come together give a lot of flavor and variety because let's be honest here Romeo & Juliet has been told too many times that it gets fucking boring! Goddamn if they showed this in my 9th grade english class I guarantee everyone would not only be glued to the screen but could write a hell of a report after the fact! It's a parody absolutely but that doesn't diminish the effect or relevance of it's being. If you wanted body piercings, lesbionics, loss of limb, and plenty of cussing in your theatre play look no further. It's entertaining as hell and we all know hell is pretty entertaining. 3 stars, 7.5/10! 21st century Troma here we come!

Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD

I don't know what's stranger, the film or how the film came to be.

Apparently this was an offshoot of a character in Toxic Avenger Part 2, and Lloyd being Lloyd made a joke about commiting to a kabuki character film when, I shit you not, word got spread and Namco yes the video game Namco approached Troma with a $1.5 million dollar budget to make a family friendly media icon. From the way Lloyd wrote about it he seemed rather disappointed he didn't commit to going full Troma or full kid friendly and kinda bounced back and forth. Me however? This is another great movie that I was so happy to have watched! I had a blast reveling in the ludicrous story of New York cop Harry Griswold getting entangled in a murder case and being imbued with magic powers, taking on an almost superhero persona of Kabukiman and going after a rich suit who orchestrated the killing. What I think helps tether it down to where it's not so outrageously stupid you can't enjoy it is Rick Gianasi as Harry, he has this Jack Burton quality to how he plays Harry a reasonable guy who has experienced some very unreasonable things, and somehow maintains dignity in that costume. Assisting him in learning his capabilities is Lotus played by Susan Byun who is just as amazing if not more so than Rick, she's a badass and just cracks me the hell up! Even the villain and his motley crew of henchmen are pretty entertaining, it's like everyone knew precisely what kind of movie this is and gauged their performances just right. That is some damn credit to the director and actors, cause while I undoubtedly love the movie I don't know if I could ever pull off acting in it. In a strange sense it nearly has this Power Rangers feel to it, and admittedly yes the tokusatsu sentai thing was very much around in 1990 but I don't think it had any influence on the production. It just feeeels like it, they even do the low angle front flip shot which is synonymous with that genre which makes me just enjoy it all the more. I know Troma worked very closely with a consultant as to not sabotage the film with offending japanese audiences so the over the top humor with the powers of Kabukiman I feel work just fine in the picture. It's a very solid production all around, very good directing around New York City, great cast as far as I'm concerned, the action is sparse but fun and memorable regardless, the humor is spot on for me and scratches that parody style Troma incorporates, and it's another home run for me this week! I feel confident in saying Troma's attitudes toward filmmaking is don't take shit from anyone only give shits, because they do not slack off. They make it work with what they can do and that's a pretty affirming stance with independent filmmakers everywhere. Strong recommendation once more, 4 stars, 8/10! One more for you from the 90s next time.

Class Of Nuke Em' High

Boy high school in the 80s really must have been a different beast.

Made just 2 years after Toxic Avenger Troma set it's sights on a less than traditional teen story involving a nuclear power plant woefully administered and spreading radioactive material to the less than quarter mile away high school leading to mutations, freak outs, and a monster in the basement. Now admittedly this didn't grab me in an iron clad vise like Toxie but don't let that discourage you, it's still a decent movie that's more for the fun of it all than to tell a strong story. It still has that off the wall Troma humor that you would expect as we see the various groups of students interact, our mostly straight laced couple Chrissy and Warren, the class clown Eddie, and the punked out rebels stirring shit constantly the Cretins. Again pushing the environmental message of Toxic Avenger and shows just how easy contamination can occur with nuclear waste, but thankfully in a fun campy way and not the slit your wrists horrific dread of Chernobyl. I do like our leads a fair bit with Chrissy getting my vote for best character and she's quite a screamer to boot, the Cretins though not as ridiculously overblown as the antagonists in Toxic Avenger have their moments and it must have been grand to act these roles, and I will be straight up the mutated monster design is honestly one of the best and most original I have seen in recent memory almost to the point I could recommend watching it just for that alone! The plot progression might seem meandering and there is hardcore setup/payoff moments but it really will depend on what keeps your attention, and for me it semi did. I was never bored with it and had a few good laughs so it's far from fluff! They definitely had more of a budget for effects and some of them are pretty damn amazing in my eyes, the cast looks like they were having some fun bringing these characters to life, and I truly did want to see just how it would all end. I am happy I saw it, and no doubt it has a good deal of fans, but it was just decent for me. 2.5 stars, 6/10, and we enter the 90s next time.

The Toxic Avenger

Greetings from Tromaville!

It's time. Granted it hasn't been on my list for a long time but the motion pictures of Troma have grabbed my interest enough to where I'm gonna review a good selection throughout the decades starting with the movie that truly made Troma what it is today. The Toxic Avenger is a great movie, I have no qualms saying that. For a relatively low budget movie about a dweeby janitor getting covered in toxic waste and mutating into basically a superhero (albeit a bloodsoaked one), it's hard to deny it's charm and more so the comedy. It might just be the most outrageous, over the top, completely unserious movie I have ever laid eyes on to the point where the absurdity is in excess. You could be the most prudish, stick up your ass, fucking square² person on the face of the earth and you couldn't take this seriously! You don't even need a certain sense of humor to get it, you just need A sense of humor to get it! I was pretty invested not too far from the opening shot and credit to where it's due on the production side of things they did make this as good as they could, and I read Lloyd's book All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger and it sounds like a shoestring crew of very talented people contributing as much as they can. The effects are great and delightfully gory, the stunts are not too flashy but done very well, and the overall cinematography I felt was just right for this movie. It's definitely one of the most 80s movies I've seen in pure aesthetic choices but what I truly appreciated was the stances the film took on real life issues, damning landfills and improper waste management, showing elected officials who have no interest in the people they serve, and they even take a jab at the health craze going on around the mid 80s. Lloyd is a wacky guy but the man is well read and forward thinking about issues and combine that with Michael Herz booksmarts on running the production company and sharing the same views meant there was going to be more to this than just a monster movie. Toxie is shaping up to be my role model after this movie, you'll think I'm cracked out a bit saying this but this is a very uplifting movie, sure it's got headcrushing and guts plus some of the most hilariously ludicrous crimes but it has definite heart. Simple acts of kindness from Toxie while also cleaning the streets of scumbags speaks to me. I'd happily walk a little old lady across the street before dashing some child prostituting asshole's grey matter out on the pavement. There's even a funny and cute romance with him and a blind girl named Sara, I'm rooting for that until the day I die! Definitely a movie meant to be watched late night with likeminded friends and junk food aplenty. It's an odd piece of cinematic history but is a lot more than most anybody would ever give it credit for. Super strong recommendation from me, 4 stars easily, 8.5/10!

Alien Romulus

Thank the space gods!

Good news, it was better than Ressurection. It is undoubtedly kind of a mish mash of all previous Alien movies, has that haunted house style buildup of the first, a bit of action from Aliens, the desperate hunt from Alien 3, there's even a bit of Ressurection in there but done so friggin' much better it's like not even a laughing matter. Set after the destruction of the Nostromo from the original Alien we follow a young lady named Rain and her synthetic friend Andy as they accompany a group of salvagers to an oribiting space station to secure cryopods for the deep space journey to another world. The movie take it's time setting everything up and starts to build the characters before we even step foot on the Romulus station, and it's not quite the same as that bleak buildup in Aliens where you know shit went down, it's business as usual until one action dominoes the gates of hell opening. It's damn near 2 hours with credits but we get a solid introduction and grasp on the crew and their personalities which I appreciate. It's far too easy to make meat for the grinder instead of writing real characters but that's not found here. Rain and Andy are a quite sweet duo lead and I certainly wanted them to make it out, but even the salvage crew for the most part are likeable average day people who get dragged into this nightmare which I like. The visuals are honestly better than Covenant by a country mile, effortlessly constructing that analogue tech and the claustrophobic interiors with all the modern toys of filmmaking so pure gold across the board in that department. They make the facehuggers and xenomorphs scary again, maybe even more than the original, and the design work is something to be admired. Alien bodysuits, animatronic facehuggers, mmm it's a bit special. There really only was one aspect I didn't like and not even really because it's bad it's just something I strongly disagreed with, but you'll know it when you see it. And yes you absolutely should see it over the weekend, it's just right for Alien fans and I think they'll get a good deal out of it. Hell even if this was your first foray into that universe, and judged the film purely on it's own merits I feel you would still dig it. I loved it and am so happy to report we are back baby! 3.5 stars, 8/10, and grab one of those rad popcorn buckets if you get the chance!

Alien Ressurection

God fuck almighty.

I think I can sum up this movie in one single quote so thank Carrie Fisher for this when she told George Lucas "You know you can write this stuff but you can't say it.". I would so rather be doing better things with my time than talking about Alien Ressurection. Who the hell is this movie made for? I am serious, I demand an answer. It's not Alien fans I can tell you that right now. Alright well, the story is set about 200 years after Alien 3 when a different compnay it's not even Weyland-Yutani anymore they don't exist clones Ripley, how they achieved this makes somehow even less sense than when she had a chestburster in her last movie which made 0% sense, in an attempt to mass breed Xenomorphs. Mercenaries enter the fray, shit goes south, and it's a race to escape as per usual. I truly do not like bashing on movies, it takes so much effort and creativity to make a movie even if it's not objectively good, but I ain't got much good to say. The whole thing just feels off, I can't tell if it's going for a campy cheesy space monster movie vibe due to mainly the performances and plot progression, and it really didn't work if it did. Maybe it's partly on the directing but I personally put it all on the script written by Joss Whedon hack fuck extraordinaire, because no director could make this work. Toss all the details of the production in the garbage and just read it like it's a bare bones script, and you will find precisely dick right with it. So you take the script, you get a french director who somehow recovered from this and directed Amèlie 4 years later, get a fairly noteworthy cast of actors, obviously Sigourney Weaver returns, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, and Brad Dourif among several others, and nothing could save it. It's not turn your brain off entertainment, it's IQ crippling entertainment. I almost said you just have to see some examples to understand that, but absolutely not. It isn't worth the time or money. And truth be told it's not a shoddy production, pretty diverse selection of sets and thusly scenarios, the alien suits look damn good, the gore is quick admittedly but gnarly just the same, and even the CG for a 1997 film is pretty well executed! It certainly wasn't a phone it in movie and had some talent on it, but it really was torpedoed by the writing. Way to spit on the actual ending to this damn series by cloning Ripley and I guess somehow when you clone people alien DNA can get mixed right on in there so Ripley is like 95% human 5% Xenomorph, because science. Now Sigourney ain't acting bad here but there isn't much to do. Winona Ryder I feel suffers the worst here, again not due to her acting ability cause I've seen her act and she does fine, but it's the directing that makes her this insufferable ass character with so little to contribute to...anything, even existing to be candid. Also how in the ever loving circles of hell itself did you make Ron Perlman completely unlikeable? The man has charm and a lot of affability that is pretty present in his body of work, I've never seen a movie where I wasn't happy to see him until today! There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery! Just no. And Brad Dourif, well he practically gets a universal pass for anything, regardless of how weird the part is and it's plenty out there in this damn movie, I love him too much to be mean. God bless them they are all trying but I couldn't do any better myself trying to juggle this bloody movie. I never thought I'd bitch about set design in my life but you wanna talk tryhard? They attempted so hard to have the spaceship feel like the Nostromo from the first Alien movie and got absolutely nothing right about it, it's too well lit, it doesn't have an ounce of atmosphere, and it's not shot even effectively enough to where they could fake it until they make it. I could not recommend it under any circumstance or personal preference. It is just a dumb, idiotic, moronic, stupid piece of entertainment that was made in 1997 and hasn't been relevant since. 1.5 stars, 4.5/10, oh let Romulus be good!

Alien 3

Or Alien cubed for those mathematically inclined.

There's only so many ways I can just say, what the hell people?! Here we go again, a movie I have not heard a scrap of good things about and guess what I'm about to say? It was quite good! I just can't rely on anyone's opinion but mine. Almost every criticism I've heard I can rebuke even, maybe it was just a good day but I can applaud the movie for the direction it wanted to take. So we pick up pretty soon after Aliens ends and admittedly this is one of the few marks against the plot, but somehow an egg was on the ship as Ripley, Hicks, Newt, and Bishop escaped on which hatched and through some loss of blood that isn't rightly explained causes the ship to malfunction and the cryopods get jettisoned onto an ore mining prison world known as Fury 161, killing all members aboard except Ripley. Now can I understand why people were upset over that? Yes. Can I also understand why the movie went in the direction it did? Yes. So Ripley is now trapped on a prison world with a Xenomorph about, no weapons of any kind, and the Weyland company is inbound to claim it, so let's go do this. You'd be surprised though how little you truly see the alien until the climax of the movie, the majority of the film is Ripley getting acquainted with her surroundings, cooperating with inmates, it's way more a prison drama if anything. I like that! We get good conversations, pretty damn good actors, and the movie moves at a quick enough pace. Sigourney is still just as good as ever and stood staunchly by the director through the tumultous production, it's friggin' awesome to see a young Charles Dance in a fairly prominent role and rightfully is a highlight, to see Paul McGann in anything is a treat for a whovian like myself even if his part is more lessened in the theatrical cut, and we even get Lance Henriksen back for a bit and we love that guy! Like I'm just floundering so hard to comprehend why people think it's a bad movie, that's it's bleak and nihilistic, even the so called claims of religion are next door to zilch. Like...did I just watch the wrong fucking movie?? I know there's a producer's cut out there that's a bit different but my confusion is unending here. I mean yes losing our crew from Aliens just sucks, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for them, but I felt they wanted to cap this series off entirely. I wish it was true but no dice there as we'll talk about tomorrow. Yes it's a pretty dystopian shithole world that's potrayed but it's a prison planet, cry about it I don't know what to tell you. I'll at least give credit for some solid sets and corridors plus some cool exterior shots. The nihilistic one is what fucking slays me, pretty soon the inmates are aware of the creature and that it's more likely than not a no-win scenario for them but instead of sitting on their asses waiting to get head fucked by a Xenomorph they start forming plans and taking action. There is no severe cloud of dread or depression here, there's moments yes but you'd think this would either be the movie that bores you to sleep or tempts you to eat cyanide from the word of mouth since 1992. And the religion thing, frankly I think people need to realize a cigar is just a cigar. Albeit there are inmates who stick to a code of religion, there's one shot of exterior wreckage that looks like a cross, and they initially describe the alien as a "dragon" and "the beast" two monikers for Satan (and that's if you are well read on such things), I mean it's not like Ripley is touted as the Lisan al-Gaib or some shit. I am so close to losing it here, it has been a hot ass minute since I have so feverishly disagreed with just about every person under the sun on a movie, and I just. Don't. Get it. Admittedly the production was a far cry from a cakewalk, so much interference from 20th Century Fox in fact to the point where the director was fired not once, not twice, but three times a go fuck yourself Hollywood when in truth he was just having to make the best of a terrible situation trying to get this movie in the can and is the movie's biggest detractor to this day because of all this nonsense. To which I reply, I think you did mighty fine work overall. You wanna know what the biggest problem is for me? I'll tell you, it's spoilery as all get out but I'll tell you. To those who want out, go watch it for yourself, I quite liked it, there is something you can get out of it. Kay? Kay. The chestburster in Ripley. That is the most handwaved aspect of the entire movie! How did she get it? When did she get it? Why did it take like a fortnight to burst? I know it's to facilitate the death of the character at the end and bring this shit to a stop as a trilogy, but it's not very well explained much like the egg of the facehugger at the beginning of the movie. And the alien at times looks pretty off which is odd because they used the practical suit technique but green screened it into shots, because that makes sense right? But beyond that, very solid movie. Relatively small gripes wouldn't you say? I'm never letting this go for as long as I live, I shan't. 3 stars, 7/10, I'm out.

Borderlands

As a complete and utter noob to this video game series, the movie ain't that bad.

When picking showtimes today this had a whopping 3% on the asswipe of a review website Rotten Tomatoes to which I replied, I'll judge that for myself. And while it's probably not a flawless adaptation and truthfully is a more loose and carefree adventure film with a firm layer of cheese to it, it's decent. It starts off as a kidnap retrieval but spirals into a bit of a treasure hunt as we link up with several members of a dysfunctional group, Lilith a bounty hunter, Roland a soldier, Krieg a bulky specimen not too far from the Mad Max series, Tina the girl kidnapped who kicks off this plot, and Claptrap a quirky robot. In fact quirky kinda sums it up for me, this is a movie that unabashedly just does it's own thing with little consideration for others, the action ranges from typical to wild, the comedy though it did get a few laughs out of me is that particular kind of offbeat where most would claim it cringeworthy, the production and worldbuilding are a teensy bit shaky but overall solid, and the soundtrack actually did a few things for me. But of course this is all from the perspective of someone who knows nothing about the Borderlands video games, I know it's highly stylized with almost cel shading, is based entirely on getting better loot, and seems completely friggin' nuts. I won't mind playing it one day so I can only judge it as a movie on it's own merits. Personally I loved Cate Blanchett to bits in this movie, she looks like she's having a lot of fun and God have mercy on my soul for how much I was crushing on her! Just whew. Ariana Greenblatt I could see some giving a lot of good grief for playing this bratty, better than you, nutball of a kid but I liked her just fine and adored the relationship she had with Krieg. It did take me a quick sec to realize Jack Black voices Claptrap who got the most laughs out of me, and it's been a bloody minute since I've had a four way tie of favorite characters in this film! I don't know if I can pick one over the other, they all bring something that I love and enjoy to the table! Fascinating world that was potrayed, had some Blade Runner, had a fair mix of Mad Max, felt even a bit D&D at periods with some of the encounters. Is it great? No. Is it flat out bad? Far from it. It sits in the middle for me, I can recommend it if you have a taste for oddball adventure stories and hodgepodge character parties. This may sound strange but this movie gave me early 2000s vibes around that 2003 to 2006 era of both sci-fi movies and live action kids movies, it's all just bizzare but hey maybe that fits the world of Borderlands just fine. I give it 2.5 stars, 6.5/10! 

Doom

Yyyeah that's about what I expected.

It's an early 2000s video game adaptation, they tried admittedly but it ain't all that and a bag of chips. I am kinda new to the Doom thing, played a good few levels of the first, beat the 2016 and Doom Eternal games that was a lot of fun and a wonderful de-stresser, and I'm fairly pumped for The Dark Ages so I figured it was worth at least a look into the movie. Now let's just be on the level here there isn't much plot in Doom, even novelizations of Doom are just demon, bang bang, moving on. So it's not a hard story to botch...but. The movie isn't bad, but it ain't too friggin' great either. Set in the fairly distant future of 2046 where humans have set up a research station on Mars where oopsy daisy we unearthed some evil and a tactical team of marines are transported there essentially to rescue scientists before getting knee deep in the dead. Serviceable story, but the devil is in the details and that's where the score wanes a bit. Admittedly the cast is decent with Karl Urban, Rosamund Pike, Dwayne Johnson, Richard Brake, and Deobia Oparei with some admittedly acting better than others but they get the job done. I will give a good amount of respect and props for the singular fact that the director of the movie wanted to do as much in camera, it could have been absurdly simple to take the easy way out and CG the bejeezus out of this movie but you get plenty of sets that are fairly extensive, full on creature suits from Stan Winston's company, and only usage of CG when it's necessary. That is some commendable shit for 2005, and for a video game adaptation at that! I'm not sure if Doom 3 had much influence on the movie with it being released a year beforehand, but this leans more towards the "horror" than the action. And I use bunny ears there because it's the most lackluster horror in a horror movie I've ever seen if you even want to call it that. My biggest gripe about the movie is the demons, or aliens, or whatever the fuck they are cause they're not from Hell, interesting designs admittedly but I have never seen a bigger batch of wimps in my life. You're demons, you don't run and sneak attack if someone shoots at you, you disembowl them and chew on their eyes! Like seriously the action is so just not good, this is DOOM we are talking about and the gunplay is below average. I understand they only had so much budget and couldn't do a shooting range with 20 monsters in a room with explosive barrels and all that, but it needed to pump that energy up. At the start okay fine, you need some buildup and mystery. But the action if anything should have escalated to a fever pitch as the movie progressed to the one on one boss fight essentially. But it's much of the same, wandering ill lit hallways and trying desperately to even see a monster let alone make it swiss fucking cheese. Even when they do a first person view with some shooty action near the end it's less Doom and more interactive DVD menu. But they did put effort into it, this wasn't a cash grab with a big middle finger to the audience and fans, even if everything didn't work it's not a terrible film. Honestly my feelings can be summed up in the box office revenue, the film had a budget of $60 million and the box office gross was $58 million. So close, just a little off, nearly but no cigar. That sums it up. And I wasn't hopping in here ready to be blown away or expecting something grand, I just gotta call it like I see it. I would rather just watch someone play Doom for about 90 minutes, but that's just me. I'm sure there's a fan of it somewhere and I won't put you down man. It's a decent movie but I have no urge to watch it again, so I give it 2 stars, 5.5/10!

Super Mario Bros.: The Great Mission To Rescue Princess Peach

That's a long ass title.

We're back with the video games and immediately when I heard of an animated theatrically released Mario movie made just one single year after the video game came out, I knew I couldn't pass it up. Side bar but I promise it relates, recently I've been reading the novelizations of Star Wars films but specifically when they first came out alongside the movies, and you get a lot of elements that were not on screen in the slightest and there's a difference in the "canon" and the same can be said for this. But surprisingly it's a very decent adaptation of the story used in the instruction manual for the original NES game, the Mushroom Kingdom is under attack by the Koopa tribe who abduct Princess Peach and two brothers embark to save her. But it gets weird. For example, one night Mario is up late playing Famicom games when like a reverse Captain N the princess launches out the TV screen before being captured by Bowser and that kicks off the whole movie, that's scene one. I know it's just a show and I should really just relax, but man this was the lore back then! There's no other source or adaptation almost 40 years down the road to contradict anything because it came out just a singular year after the game, and it takes a lot of liberties with the characterization and world building. The Mario brothers aren't plumbers, they run a grocery store. Luigi wears blue overalls and cap instead of green. The Toads are all female. Aspects like that are what makes it so interesting to watch, to see how far it has come as a series. I will freely admit it is one of those "because" movies, where shit happens for no reason than just because. Prime example off the top of my head, in the middle of the climactic battle with Bowser a bowl of rice and a packet of rice seasoning appears for Mario to eat literally out of thin air. Why? Because. They were loose with their storytelling once upon a time, now everything has to be done seriously and make total sense....as if anything about this series makes sense. Animation wise it's not super fluid and clean but here's my stance on that, my domain of knowledge and watching of anime is in that time period of 1995 to 2005 that's just what I know best. However I always jump at the chance to see anime from pre-1990 all the way back to the 1960s, just to see how the medium developed and changed. So I liked seeing the old school animation techniques some of which is akin to Hanna-Barbera cartoons at points, and some of the background shots were really cool. You just have to throw any modicum of preconception about Mario or anime out the window otherwise it probably isn't gonna do much for you. The movie runs at a fast pace, it's only an hour long but back then in 1986 it must have been a blast to see on the big screen because Mario was huge even then in Japan. A relic of a time long past that thankfully has been preserved, you can watch the whole dang thing on the Youtubes, but it's neat to watch. There's a lot of visual nods to things that didn't even exist yet in the Mario games, the airship makes an appearance from Mario 3, Mario dons a sombrero for a quick joke about 30 years before Super Mario Odyssey, and Bowser wants to wed Peach again like Odyssey and the new Super Mario Bros. Movie. It's a trip man but if you've learned anything here I like the strange and unusual, and I give it 2.5 stars, 6.5/10, so check it out if you're curious. Grab some food, maybe get some friends together and have a game night, and just throw it on to see what everyone thinks. Me personally, I'm about to throw on Peaches by Jack Black.

A Slight Detour, Jeopardize The Mission It Will Not.

Life you never cease to confound my efforts. Alright well I hate to say it and hate even more to live it, but things have been going south for about a month now. Job troubles, having to start the game all over again to find a good source of income without doing the whoring, and moving into a new apartment has pretty much bled me dry and I have no idea what to do. I'm tired, I'm strung out, and I'm spiraling downward into a patch of depression. However! I may have gotten a semi-okay job but the problem is it's gonna be like a 12 hour shift three or four days out of the week. Most likely not even going to be a do a whole lot of nothing kind of job, so I'm having to play the waiting game until all the details are revealed. In fact I've been out of the house for about 5 hours today getting paperworked signed and just got settled in my comfy chair. I honestly do not know if I can make it to see Trap tomorrow because of this ongoing situation or really any new releases this month, I'll try my damndest but it's only fair to give an update on what's been happening behind the scenes and what potentially is coming in the future. I hate that. Nobody likes getting upheaved unexpectedly and I am on the brink of cursing and hexing many many people for compromising my future, but maybe I won't have to now. We all can dream can't we? I'm gonna peruse some films and ideas for the next few weeks and see what I can do. What fun!