Wednesday, March 27, 2019

The Wicker Man (2006)

It's been awhile since I saw a movie that got me this angry.

Like I got tired of Twilight more and more as the series went on, and Fifty Shades Of Grey annoyed me to the brink of insanity, but this is the f***ing creme de la creme. I didn't even get this angry at Expendables 3 or even Game Night! And you just think about that for a second. I ripped Expendables 3 a new pair of assholes, and I gave up on Game Night in the theater, and this was waaaaaaay worse. If you go to a bookstore and pick up one of those reference books on how to write, there's a specific book called How To Write A Mystery, it's only one page long but the wisdom it shares is breathtaking, on page one there is only one criteria, "Do NOT write like The Wicker Man (2006)"! This is the most crackpot, half baked, senseless, and infuriating mystery movie I have ever seen in my existence. And you better believe we are watching the original this October! Because I need confirmation that the original is better, and if it is not I am going to shoot myself!! Whenever I'm doing nothing but ranting and raving over 90% of the movie, congratulations you've made a shittastic movie and I wish you death. Okay, so story time! Nicolas Cage plays a cop who has some severe PTSD from a road accident and he falls into the cop with a bad past stereotype when he gets a letter from a past lover that her daughter is missing on an island. So Cage (I know he has a name but don't lie to yourself, it's Nicolas Cage.) packs up and heads on over to this island primarily populated by female "wiccans" and I use bunny ears because I will not lump friends of mine who are actual wiccans in with this f*** heap, I will not disrespect them that way because this is the most jaded perspective I have seen on this religion in film ever. I watched the Nostalgia Critic's review on this and you should check it out, it's pretty great, but he brought up this director and I have no idea who he is or if he even still gets work, fingers crossed he doesn't, and all I gathered from that is the fact he is not a fan of women so every character who doesn't have a dick is the bane of humanity! And what really gets on my nerves is the fact that they could not have done a worse job with this dialogue and story. So Cage gets on the island and already something's up but he never....pushes....for information. If I had a goddamn dollar every time he asks a question and does not get a straight answer then add another dollar for every time he doesn't push the investigation further I would be richer than Bill Gates! This is the worst f***ing cop I have EVER seen in my life, he acts like a petulant jackass which granted I can understand when anybody and everybody cannot give him a straight answer for even the simplest of questions but there has to be some tact in an investigation. You need to not kick the door in and start shouting demands, you kinda need to work in the background, ask questions, press for further information, be discreet, sneak around, try not to arise contempt and suspicion, this is not hard. I could be a detective! You could be a detective! All it takes is logic, patience, and the ability to pick and choose your battles and when to negotiate. But apparently this cop has never been to an interrogation room in his entire career at the police force because every time some little prick is stonewalling him he immediately gives up and moves on to the next question that DOES NOT GET ANSWERED!!! I'm gonna break something! I am gonna break something or break someone, holy batshit this movie is absolute balls!! Do not watch this movie! Ever! There is nothing of value here!! But wait there's more! Of course there's more, you thought we were wrapping up? Hahahaha!! You poor bastard. Apparently this cult of "wiccans" does not know how to subvert suspicions or not act like coked out weirdos because they could not be more transparently cult-y if they tried! Why is this so hard?? Who wrote this piece of garbage? Ohhhh my god, the director wrote it too. No shit. Well that doesn't surprise me at all. Someone put a fork in me, because I am done. I thought it was fairly easy to write a mystery, you have the situation, you sprinkle in some intrigue and clues and speculation, you build to the reveal, you make the reveal good and not a waste of what little time I have left on this world, and you make a satisfying conclusion. There is none of that in this movie. Logic was shot out of a cannon and landed on Mars by the 10 minute mark if not sooner. I'm a bit of a reactionary type....clearly, but I can classify movies, the worst action movie I've ever seen is Transformers 2, the worst comedy I've ever seen was Game Night, and The Wicker Man from 2006 gets the worst "mystery" movie honor of my life. There is no mystery, no intrigue, no semblance of good acting or dialogue, or even a moderately okay ending. It's a sham! It's trash that should never be seen by another person from now until the end of time itself! I didn't even get the legendary "Not the bees!!" because I watched it on TV so I couldn't even have fun with that! If I could give less than half a star, I would. If I could give 0 stars, I would. Do. Not. Watch. It. Do something better with your life, draw, write, read, paint, pass on knowledge, travel the world, be as great as you can be and know that I will always be here to give you better options for the movies and shows you can watch in the meantime. Because film is better than this. And you fully deserve the best cinema has to offer, and I will always try to present it to you.

I can't even believe I'm saying this but Tommy Wiseau please save me!!

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