Fifty Shades Of Grey

Okay. Here we go.

Fifty Shades Of Grey sucks. I must admit I did read the book BUT I only got to chapter 12 before I quit, now I gotta talk about the movie! And I can fully pinpoint the absolute failing of this story, not just on the hideously written series by a woman who clearly has no idea what the actual relationship and lifestyle of a couple in a Dominant/Submissive relationship is and merely used it to try to give some taboo material for middle aged midwestern moms who want something more than your Harlequin romance novels. This is where both mediums fail. The relationship that these characters are in is a flawed potrayal. From my experience, from my point of view, from my life, such a relationship has roots in a normal relationship, you can date and do stuff on top of having an intimate powerplay with bondage and elements of pain in the bedroom. Now you may be asking, Dude how do you know so much about this sort of stuff? Don't worry about it. I just know, I read...and stuff. But anyway, the problem with this story is the romance is....there's no romance! It's just a story about a very clumsy (straight from a 90s children's film), shy girl who meets a very emotionally distant and confusing billionaire who has a BDSM fetish. That's it! Now if I wrote a story about such a relationship I would have it where a man and a woman meet, the girl is shy and awkward and has no sexual experience, while the guy is a very good looking and succesful person who is attracted to this woman but has had a screwed up past and that is why he has that particular sexual desire, they build a nice relationship and he very slowly introduces her to his fantasies and preferences in the bedroom. Through time she helps him confront the demons of his past, is fully accepting of him in all his ways, and they have not only a great love life but a great sex life and thus becoming more mature and better human beings. There is absolutely nothing wrong about this premise, there is nothing wrong about bringing what many consider a "taboo" sexual relationship to a film, but you have to understand it! What it means, the intricate qualities of it, and why they choose to be a part of it. There's no reason in the film or the book because the writer didn't know jack shit about it or personally knew people who were in such relationships and were comfortable sharing their views on it. All we get is Christian was seduced by his mother's friend when he was 15. That's it. No reason why he likes it, how it affected his view on sex and women, there is no substance. Just softcore porn that barely dips their toe into the proverbial pool. Pathetic. And their relationship is not a good relationship, he stalks Anna with no explanation as to how, she never tells him where she is and at best gives a broad location yet somehow tracks her down. Because love means never having to say sorry for putting a tracking device on your phone and stalking you. Christian acts like a petulant child, always wanting his way and giving no real consideration to Ana's feelings, and explicitly states that he does not do romance or make love. He wants a f***toy, plain and simple! Oh but it's okay because he buys her shit and takes her for totally not romantic outings so get sucking bitch! This is like if you watched Pretty Woman and he still bought her stuff but screwed her constantly and became a possesive asshole about it. Not a very good sign! And while I'm on the subject the sex scenes suuuuck, and not in a good way! When the majority of your sex positions is missionary with one, maybe two instances of taking her from behind it gets dull fast. Oh the burning passion and arousing kinks. By the third sex scene I was banging my head on the wall from sheer boredom. And no, the toys and bondage do not spice it up one bit. Ironic. I didn't watch the unrated version and can I just go on a tangent for a moment? Why do they call it unrated?? Unrated means the MPAA did not give it a rating so how is there more steamy or shocking content in an unrated version? Just replace the R rating with NC-17 or X if you must. That's the only way you could do this story, it kinda has to go full on porn. There's a foreign film, I think it's from Denmark, called Nymphomaniac directed by Lars Von Trier and it goes all the way, they got pornstars to do what they do on camera and released it in theaters! Granted it got an X rating, and for good reason but shit this story needs more than just Dakota Johnson's breasts out every 10 or so minutes. I admire her for doing it because I would not feel comfortable taking anything out or off on camera, and yeah she is very pretty and I like her character a bit. She has some actually really funny lines, and she is a dork but a cute dork, sort of adorkable if you will, she's a very nice and charming lady and isn't some vacant eyed bimbo who just wants to be used by this guy and submit to his every beckon call. She confronts him on their sexual relationship and asks why can't they just be a normal couple but still do what they do which is fair. And I know, I know, not every relationship is the same, some are more strict and some are more laidback, some use it as a means of venting sexual anger, and some can do it but care and and treasure their partner. And I must stress in my own experience, with people in such relationships, they are just like any other couple but they like it a bit more rough and playful in the bedroom, and that is totally fine. And some people go to such extents like in this movie, and take it very seriously which also is totally okay. However, there is a line in the sand. There is a difference between sexual preference and abuse of different variety whether it's gaslighting a partner, or becoming overly violent and hurting you regardless of your agreement or your personal comfort. It's a fine line to be walked but if you know your boundaries, respect your partner's opinions and understand their boundaries, and actually treat them like human beings then nothing can go wrong. Unlike in this movie where she leaves him, she's like screw this you will not hurt me again and she leaves! Then bam, end of the movie. And that is how this series will end for me. I was going to review the other two movies but honestly after what I just watched, and how I reacted and felt and thought as I dissected this movie I can safely say I will never watch the other two. I can assume Anastasia learned from this failed relationship and moved on to create a better, more complete life for herself and explored her own sexual tastes so she could finally be with someone that makes her happy and that she could be happy with. And I say good for her. Because of her actions and how the movie ended I will give this movie 1 1/2 stars. Till next time take care of yourself, and most importantly each other.