The Man Who Laughs

Not a total horror movie by most's estimations but when the hell am I gonna be able to talk about this again?

The Man Who Laughs is a wonderful movie and can definitively be put in the Universal classics collection in my mind. Centering on a performer who was horrifically disfigured as a boy who garners a healthy reputation in 17th century England as a sideshow, while royal machinations interfere with his quite beautiful romance and the best of both worlds he cannot achieve. The first thing I really gotta point out is these performances...holy shit balls! Even as someone who champions silent cinema, who has seen my fair share, I'm kinda stunned how everything fit so well. Conrad Veidt is a marvel in this film as Gwynplaine (or as I affectionately called him, Gwyn) which says a lot considering he had to wear dentures with metal hooks in him to achieve the ghastly grin, but his eyes and his mannerisms convey so much you almost kinda forget it's a silent film! He shows heartbroken sadness, joyous love, nervous apprehension, and even prideful dismissal all with a smile on his face. Good God he deserves every shred of praise and recognition for this role. Do I even have to say I love Mary Philbin as Dea in this? She's only one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen and the sheer just brightness and love she brings to this made it impossible for me not to be heavily invested in this character, and hey this might be the beginning of the trope where a blind girl falls in love with a slightly monstrous figure so how could I hate it? On the opposite end of the spectrum Olga Baclanova as the Duchess Josiana kinda gives me Maria vibes from Metropolis just not on as grand as scale, as this life loving, wild, slightly seductive woman who drifts into Gwynplaine's orbit is fascinating to watch. Literally from the first time she sees him you can read like this mix of morbid fascination and budding attraction on her face, and I didn't really know where her story was gonna go. Cesare Gravina as self proclaimed philosopher and sideshow manager Ursus while a minor role is prominent throughout and is a stalwart supporter of Gwyn and Dae's romance, has some standout moments too near the end that actually feels quite real in the desperation and heartache so bravo to him! We even get Brandon Hurst back as Barkilphedro and wow it is night and day between Hunchback and this, in Hunchback it was a very dry performance with enough to make you dislike Jehan but here he is eating this role up as this confidant servant to the royal family, and my God he is such a slimy son of a bitch in this movie and it is glorious to see cause you can tell he's relishing every second he gets to play this conniving swine. Like rarely have I seen a main cast of a silent film this spectacular across the board, you can read so much emotion through their faces alone and it perfectly encapsulates why silent acting has to be respected and appreciated. Production wise it's not as expansive and flashy with it's sets as Hunchback yet I'll be damned if I said they weren't good either. What more caught my eyes beyond the period costuming was the camera does some interesting stuff, it's not your typical early cinema shots, they do exteme close ups and place the camera at interesting angles and even does some crossdissolves that you really just don't see in movies even 20 years after the fact. And I'll admit to you straight up this movie had a loooot of pull on me, damn near cried not once but twice, was smiling like a fool, I even had a moment where I covered my dropped jaw in both shock and joy. I can't even recall the last movie to have those kinds of reactions from me but hey I'm older than the hills, I can't remember what I did three days ago. And on that distressing bombshell it is time to end, I give this 4 stars, 8/10, and next time we get foreigny.

Legend

This is the one that hurts the most personally.

I think it's no secret Tim was a treasure to behold and has been an almost lifelong favorite actor of mine, and I've never seen this movie and really only heard little bits and pieces through the years so it was a unique experience. Dear sweet Satan below though, can there ever just be a Ridley Scott movie with one damn cut? It was a journey in and of itself researching the 3 versions, hell I pretty much watched two of them for this review! I saw the U.S. cut and the european cut and goddammit both are a little bit of a mixed bag so I can't even say there's a definitive version, and I didn't even touch the near two and half hour version for the sake of brevity. But before we get wrapped up in the details let's talk plot. It is undoubtedly and positively high fantasy through and through, concerning a young princess embroiled in the machinations of his most infernal majesty who wishes to plunge the world in unending darkness as an unlikely hero rises to save his love and the idyllic world as well. Doesn't sound that far off from the most quintessential of fairy tales and that was without a doubt the goal for Ridley Scott and how the film is presented only pounds that truth to almost the center of the earth. Now production wise it is a visual feast of the most epic proportions, the sets are absurdly big and very involved with so much set dressing and props it would make the most die hard theater kids drool, the costuming is rich but not super flashy, the music in my personal opinion is better with the Tangerine Dreams soundtrack instead of the Jerry Goldsmith score though zero offense to Jerry, and I'll say this up front the editing is way WAY better in the european cut than the american cut which seems choppy and disjointed at times. You wouldn't think four minutes would make a tremendous difference between versions but it gives a better pace and rhythm for the scenes. I will fully admit Tim is the highlight of the film and is the biggest drawing factor, which is funny because he's really not that prevalent in the story I'd be surprised if we even get 25 minutes of him on screen but it's all in the presence and the un-fucking-believable prosthetics by Rob Bottin a king of 80s special effects. Like I'm sorry but if my choices were long haired pretty boy Tom Cruise or 7 foot tall, deep voiced, smitten Tim Curry...I guess I'm just gonna be the devil's lapdog and don't save me. I double dare you not to be enthralled by his performance and magnetism! Tim is glorious but we all know that already! Mia Sara as the princess Lily is very lovely, a true pure soul who tries to put things right and she does very very well even if it isn't exactly the deepest role and my God did she get a glow up when she's all evil queen which was wonderful. Tom Cruise, oh boy where do I start? Now do I think he did a terrible job? No. Do I think he was the right fit for the role? Also no! And apparently he was less than thrilled himself with the film and vowed never to do something like this again and stayed true to his word to this day, but hey man it was veryyyy early in his career and the fact he got Top Gun after this cemented his career. It's a decent film and considering fantasy was pretty much box office arsenic in the 80s, and yeah the film is bursting with style and beauty yet kinda lax on plot, but it no doubt has grown a cult following in the four decades since. I was happy to see it, even if it was twice just so I could compare notes and yeah let's just wrap that little tangent up. I would say go european, but man if I was actually smart and knew how to edit I would make my own fan edit with the longer runtime and the Tangerine Dreams soundtrack incorporated with some particular shots and lines kept in from the american cut. I mean I'm sure it might exist somewhere and hey if you find it drop me a line cause I'd be down for it. It's a little bit of a mess but we'll live anyway. I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10, last week was fucking bullshit and we need a win more than possibly ever. In fact this might be the last review until the tail end of the month mainly because I got so so much to bring to you next month in the most wonderful time of the year and well I'll need the time to make it all happen. So be good to yourselves, stay safe, and embrace the night.

The Bride

Okay first new movie of the year finally.

I'm a bit lost for words I won't lie. Admittedly, hands up, I knew exactly two things about this movie: It had Christian Bale in it and was some kind of Bride Of Frankenstein movie. Now I will also admit that's all it really took to get my ass in a theater seat but what I got was such a bizarre movie that I don't think I can call it objectively good and yet I respect it and rather like it. This review will utterly fail to sum up this movie and do it justice because it's all over the place. You'd think it would be this reanimation love story but it goes waaaay beyond that! When the movie starts, begins, with the body of a woman possessed by the spirit of Mary Wollstonecraft Shirley you kind of can already guess this is going to be out there! And I'll say it right here right now, I wasn't digging it at first and it took me until the dance club scene for it to kind of start clicking for me and even then it had moments where it was this off putting strange movie, but I simultaneously appreciate and even respect the artistry of it. The movie has themes of identity, feminism, acceptance, and challenging the world around you and those themes do indeed work. But it also kind of goes on tangents that don't amount to all that much in the main story that is told. Oh I certainly will not blame Maggie for this in her directorial debut, this script needed a smidge of ironing but her direction is decent and needless to say bold given the material. You have to walk in with an extraordinarily open mind to not walk away hating it, I certainly don't cause the movie has a lot I do genuinely like and even it's more wacked out moments has appeal. Could I really hate a Frankenstein movie that almost turns into this Bonnie & Clyde type story with dance sequences and actually decent romance? Helllllll naw! Performance wise Jessie Buckley has to juggle a lot and has to stand on an uneven script yet she does very well, affecting a split personality with a penchant for independence that is likeable and you can sympathize with. Christian Bale also is very strong with one of the best physical interpretations of this character in the 21st century, it really is a stellar design in my opinion mixing movie monster with inspiration from The Shadow. The personality is what really struck me most, he's well spoken, cares deeply about the Bride and supports her independence, has a liking for cinema, and has no problems curb stomping a rapist. Good solid man right there, even if he does still tell white lies. The romance is more of a slow burn between them with the Bride after being reinvigorated wanting really nothing to do with Frank which he does accept even if he wants her super bad to be his wife, and after he stops her from being assaulted they slowly grow closer to the point where they are ready to love each other to the end of time. Pretty damn happy ending if you ask me and I'm so conflicted on final scores here. The production for the most part is very good, the story has some kinks and shortcomings but I don't hate it, it's just this mixed bag of quality to where I'm stumped. If I really had to give it something I'll give it 2.5 stars, 7/10, and hopefully this is just the beginning of more new movies to hit the schedule. I'll see you sooner rather than later.

Babygirl

Oh yeah, we are doing this.

Now hands up, full disclosure, I saw this opening day over Christmas break back in 2024. I didn't write a review for it, just wanted to go to the movies to go to the movies, and man was I surprised when I was the only one there. But here we are and I really truly gotta say I really liked it! Centering around a mature CEO who gets entangled in a shaky but dominant relationship wirh a young man(take fucking notes 50 Shades), and really what the fallout of such a relationship is...when she's already married and has kids. I cannot overstate this enough, thank GOD this isn't some erotic thriller bullshit and actually takes a much more mature lens to people in a dominant & submissive relationship. The actors are what sells it but the story has enough going for it to where you do kinda want to see where it all ends. It isn't just steamy fluff you'll forget about. Nicole Kidman is very very good in this movie able to convey a lot of conflicting emotions, I mean yeah it's very realistic, you would have to do some mental gymnastics and a lot of settling in if you were going to pursue a relationship like this so full marks across the board. Plus anybody who can get nekkid on camera has my highest respect. Harris Dickinson is interesting to watch cause he's not really that typical commanding dom, hell they don't even drop the big D Word, he's got emotional baggage, I dare almost want to say he's a touch neurodivergent, he likes control but he's not gonna be an asshole about it. That's so goddamn refreshing and kinda, I don't wanna say nuanced cause I've barely seen any movies like this before, but it feels unique to cinema here. Antonio Banderas though admittedly a minor role is important, I mean he's the husband in all this, so you do feel at least a notch of sympathy and the movie does not shy away from the ramifications of the affair. In terms of production it doesn't look bad in the slightest, shot very candid and really only kinda lets loose at the rave scene which admittedly makes sense, the editing is damn good in my opinion at times, and I got respect for the ending. No spoilers of course but it is almost this bittersweet thing. Now it's not super graphic in the sexual aspect but it is...effective. Let's just leave it at that. It was a trip to watch it again and I know it is far and away from everyone's taste, but I can surefire recommend it anyway. Taking a somewhat taboo relationship and translating it well to screen and doing it with respect must be commended, I give it 3.5 stars, 8/10, fingers crossed for next month cause man the new movie well is dryer than the Sahara so far this year.

In Retrospect: Lisa Frankenstein

This is the strangest life I've ever known.

Literally two years to the DAY, we are back to talk Lisa Frankenstein! Spoiler alert I'm still mad about this movie, adore it, cherish it, spoil it, call it my darling, I am here for this movie. Which is funny because I haven't seen it since opening day so I was curious to know if it would still have as strong of a pull as it did before, and it took about 5 minutes to remind me why I love it so much. It is such an odd little movie in so many ways and yet I honestly couldn't laugh or love it any more! When I get a small headache from laughing so strongly and consistently which by the by, rare ass occurence, something clearly works. Kathryn Newton you goddamn gem, what a character to play and she nails it, I mean she just fucking nails it from start to finish. It's like watching the most likeable villain origin story in fiction, cause yeah she does kinda screwed up stuff and yet...I don't really mind. That probably says a lot about me, but God forbid a woman achieves happiness, identity, and romance. Cole, my guy, my main man, how could I fall for you all over again? The man doesn't have a damn line until the scene right before credits and I love him so dearly, flawless facial acting, how he slowly transitions from walking corpse to guy best friend to gentlemanly lover, is like witnessing a caterpillar into chrysalis and thence into beauty. Be still my heart, for if I speak I'll make a damn fool out of myself. I do have to say I felt so bad seeing Taffy being put through the ringer, like holy matrimony Liza Soberano could not be more preciously sweet if she tried, world peace would be a startling reality if more people had that compassion and love but she never crosses that line into saccharine personality or super bubbly, she still feels real and gyaddammit did I just want to hug her so bad. Such a rock solid cast and biiiiiig props to Zelda for being able to direct so well both in terms of getting the right performances but being able to play about with the camera, getting weird with it when called for and having some real nice framing. Now I know I'm practically gushing over this movie, it's frankly turning almost pornographic so I should wrap up quick, but it really is my kind of movie through and through. I mean I watch it and I have the time of my life, it puts me in such high spirits, and it makes me forget I'm more than likely gonna die alone one day. But that's okay, cause I get to live my life my way, love my way, and to hell with anyone who says different. 4 glowing stars, I'll bump this bad bitch to 9.5/10, and if the space gods are kind I'll have a little something for you before Valentine's Day.

A Ghost Story

And now I'm a ghost! Ooooohhhhh!!

I cannot even begin to tell you how long I have been wanting to both watch and review this movie, and after all this time since well post 2016 when the movie came out I can say it was worth the wait. I don't rightly know how the hell to recap this plot because it's one of those movies where you ain't got a clue how it will end and the subsequent series of events makes it even more of a mystery than life itself. But in a nutshell, a married couple is sadly torn apart when the husband gets in a car crash and manifests as the quintessential ghost form as he haunts his own home. That is all I dare divulge because for a movie 90 minutes long with credits by the by, it does so much that it left me flabbergasted, in awe, and completely entrapped in it's story. You want to talk about a whole different beast of a movie? I don't even know where to start. Not much dialogue to the point where it would be an interesting experiment to re-edit it into a silent film, black and white, all that good jazz. The aspect ratio is very akin to The Lighthouse which does lean it more towards arthouse film or college student project but it adds all the more unique identity to just the look of the movie. The soundtrack is really up my alley and I have zero qualms looking up the soundtrack later on, from ambient to slightly terrifying it brings so much flavor to each situation. Very basic editing but it has little moments of flair when it comes to cinematography and really has some damn good lighting too I must say. Since there's little dialogue and our main character is shrouded in a sheet you'd be surprised how much emoting comes through and you can just tell from body language and actions what the characters are going through. Since it deals with the afterlife the movie does get philosophical and surprisingly brings up a combined point from the Ghost movie Rite Here Rite Now, about how living in a house is a allegory for life and death as we see our main player stuck in this house for God knows how long. It's handled so well and has so many points of interest, you think it would be kinda dull but I assure you it is anything but. And I don't really mind saying this, despite the childlike depiction of this ghost there are moments of eerieness and even dread I dare say that I can't really even pin down as to why it effected me in that way. I am severely impressed and through all the twists, turns, and loop-de-loops I was with it every step of the way. I sure as shit know probably not a lot of people are gonna love it as much as me or maybe even like it at all for that matter, but it strangely worked for me. It hit all my buttons, I found it intriguing and boy it kinda hit a little too near and dear for my heart. If I can be cataclysmically honest here, that feeling of isolation, that feeling of never being seen or heard, feeling like a misguided ghost travelling endlessly to nowhere, only being acknowledged in moments of rage or outburst by the outside world, waiting for people who are long since gone...that is who I am. And with my luck even after I'm dead and gone, nothing will have changed much. On that brutal bombshell it is time to end, thank you so much for joining me, goodnight. 4 stars, 9/10!

Love Hurts

First rom-com actionsploitation I've reviewed?

Could be! That's quite a few genres to juggle and the movie handles that...adequately. I pretty much knew the movie I was walking into, a fun albeit basic action comedy with our golden boy Ke Huy Quan and that's what I got! Following a realtor who has a shady past that sucker punches him out of the blue he quickly finds his life upturned, an old flame returns, and he has to square off with his brother to gain some semblance of normalcy back. It mostly succeeds in the action part, got a few laughs from me, and I will admit Ke and Ariana are cute at times but there would be tiny changes I would make. I mean the movie doesn't even clock in at 90 minutes with credits so I feel even a slightly longer runtime could make a big difference. I think the biggest detraction is the editing and even then it's sporadic, prime example: in the middle of a fight scene we get this POV shot from inside a microwave as the turntable does it's thing and I think oh wow, a shot I've never seen before in an action movie this is gr-and then they just fucking cut! Odd ass choices like that can have a negative effect. I will say however I somehow liked 90% of the characters and didn't want them to die, yes even the henchmen which is wild and they write them in such a unique way to where you strangely get invested. Like this assassin who writes poetry or this buddy duo where one of the guys tries to get back with his lady friend, it's very original! I very much liked that! It's definitely an action movie first and I will own up and say it actually is really rock solid choreography that even got a "Oooh shit!" moment out of me at one of the falls the stuntguys took, and they even do the thing where this dust cloud puffs up after a hit in true martial arts fashion, so props to them on that. The comedy is more unannounced I guess I could say, it doesn't build up to a punchline or anything it's more just hearing people talk humorously but it sorta works. I wasn't completely sold on the romance angle, a lot of the history between Marvin and Rose is kept off screen and the time they do spend together feels more like kindred partners in crime than romantic opposites but they do have small moments, and it's not really at the forefront so I can't be too harsh on it. Ke Huy Quan is a joy, shocker I know, able to pull off a simple man trying to make his way through the galaxy and asskicker extraordinaire seamlessly, and does not look half bad with a nice suit and a moustache either! Ariana DeBose is decent, she certainly has that off her rocker criminal edge down pretty good and though not really prevalent a lot gets the job done. Hell we see Lio Tipton as one of Marvin's office staff Ashley way more and man, I kept having to shake my head clear cause that woman is a little too similar to Emma Stone like it was fuggin' weird! Pretty fun though and was my second favorite performance of the film! Mustafa Shakir easily is the most well designed in costuming, and as the assassin who writes poetry Raven he gets some flowery dialogue as well as some good action so thumbs up from me. Daniel Wu as our main villain Knuckles is pretty standard (aside from a boba tea addiction) but pulls it off with ease. It's an okay movie, more on the average decent side than cult classic gem in the making, but it's entertaining enough for at least one viewing. 2 stars, 6.5/10, I'll do proper romance films next week for the holiday so see you then!

Wild At Heart

Ideas truly are beautiful and abstract.

To say the death of David was a crushing blow would be an understatement, I've never really had a favorite director ever in my life but David easily was one of my favorite people on this planet. And I'm not sure if I have ever reviewed every movie from a director before but we are gonna wrap up David's theatrical films this week. Wild At Heart might honestly be my favorite movie of his, Blue Velvet was great, Mulholland Drive was interesting and complex, and even Eraserhead had strong appeal for me, but this movie for one reason or another has my love more than the others. Following a deeply passionate couple Sailor and Lula, who decide to make a trek to California while being trailed by men hired by Lula's own mom to stop them from being together is a simple but very endearing story. I buy the romance between the two, these young, foolish, sex crazed kids who truly are wild at heart and have a us against the world mentality speaks to me deeply. Of course it has all the wonderful beautiful quirks of David's writing and I was shocked to know it was a novel first, and I think I came up with a satisfactory term for his movies after all this time. David Lynch movies are weirdly engaging, this movie being no exception! The fact alone Nicolas Cage is in a David Lynch movie should be all the reason you need to watch this to begin with, with this swagger and voice almost a breathing return of Elvis Aaron Presley and a persona fit to burst with energy it's hard not to get swept up in the scenes. Same goes for Laura Dern who went against all types and personal restraints as Lula, and I'm not just saying this because she gets nekkid a bit in this movie but she has never looked more attractive and electric on the screen and I adore Tidbit! She really is solid gold in this movie and truth be honest may be my favorite performance of her career. I was a bit stunned to see so many Twin Peaks alumni present here and memory fails me which was coming out first in 1990 but it was a blast to see Sherilyn Fenn, Grace Zabriskie, Jack Nance, and Sheryl Lee pop up for a bit. Even Isabella Rossellini and Harry Dean Stanton are in the cast, you love to see continuity between productions and lord knows seeing friends make movies will never get old to me. The setting around Texas makes a native like me happy and the dust filled empty streets and sun blasted buildings almost give it a modern day western vibe at times. The editing has a lot more emphasis on flashbacks and a strong fascination with flames, which just goes to show no matter how many of David's films you have seen not a single damn one looks or even feels alike but still strangely has that aura where you couldn't mistake it for anyone else's movie. The Angelo Badalamenti score has that almost speakeasy sound to it but can clobber you with eerie punctuation to certain imagery, but it's lovely as always and the music choices are varied and unique. It was a fascinating ride to be on for this and not just because of the horrible news, I really had no clue where it was going but easily had the backs of our two leads all the way. I'm sure this probably is one of David's least talked about films, even though I knew next door to nothing about it but it's kinda leaning on my #1 spot in the filmography. But let me be clear that is a subjective stance and not an objective stance, if someone told me Blue Velvet was objectively the best David Lynch film I doubt I could argue much, but for my money Wild At Heart was just the right kind of engaging, entertaining, and funny that I needed in this time and place in the world. 4 stars, 8.5/10, and next time we touch on the movie that seems to have the most divisive rift of all David’s films with Inland Empire.

Joker Folie À Deux

I do apologize for the halt in the Rings series, yesterday was indeed a day and I barely got any work done so accept this movie review as my burnt offering.

Madness For Two? Don't mind if I do! If there ever was a word to concisely sum up this movie it would be, ballsy. I mean a comic book musical movie, that is polarizing enough as is! But me being a bit of a theater kid and fan of musicals, my reaction when that tidbit of information was, far out. This movie is one part court drama, one part romance, with a splash of musical and is that everyone's beverage of choice? Of course not, but I'll recommend it anyway. So we pick up not long after the ending of the last movie with Arthur in Arkham getting ready for his court case when he meets musically inclined Lee and a mad romance blooms, with Arthur almost having an identity crisis during the trial that could lead to his death. How on earth do you make a sequel to Joker? The answer is, you go off the rails and do your own shit unapologetically making an already unique movie all the more a beast of it's own. We kick off the movie with a Looney Tunes style short, which is a splendid gauge cause if you don't like that the musical madness ain't gonna do much for you either. Well while we are on that topic how was the music? I didn't expect original composition per sé but the selection of songs they picked were good ones, and there is indeed many a musical moment, and the vocal performances from Joaquin and Lady Gaga worked well. Even the romance while kind of a switcheroo in the Joker/Harley dynamic I found to be interesting and just fine, not super deep but functional. I felt the movie did a very good job proposing the question of is it Arthur or is it Joker? Is there indeed a split personality or is the man also the legend? It's not super involved or has monologues of flowery dialogue, because Joaquin can do so much with his face and before he even meets Lee he's kind of in a rut very much like comatose Joker in The Dark Knight Returns. How the Joker got his groove back would be a fun subtitle. The pacing is good, it gets artsy from time to time which of course my cinema snob heart sings to see, the direction taking in terms of plot is in short bold, and I am almost waiting with baited breath how this movie will be recieved now or a year from now or even a decade from now. 3 stars from me, 8/10, and we cap off the week with the forging of the Seven.

Tromeo And Juliet

I would easily watch this over the Baz Luhrman movie any day of the week.

Now is it shall we say faithful to Shakespeare? Nnnnno. But a funny adaptation it is, taking the romance of star crossed lovers and their feuding families and delivers it the only way Troma could. It's undoubtedly a passion project from Lloyd and took a long ass time to get backing enough to even start production, but he wanted to go for it and I must give credit where it is due. This was not a Kabukiman style production of over a million bucks, about $350,000 but the quality on the screen speaks volumes to the dedicated crew who worked on it. It takes a fine balance to quote Shakespeare among other classic authors and combine that with gore and lewdness, but it works well in my eyes. It certainly helps this is one of the strongest casts I've seen in a Troma picture, Jane Jensen and Will Keenan effortlessly captures that wide eyed romance just with a lot more banging involved, William Beckwith is a classically trained actor and ooh it has been a minute since I've seen a villain this damn hateable and just gross he may truthfully be the standout performance, Valentine Miele which is a name in and of itself something ol' William would come up with is such a little shit that he may be my favorite of the troupe, and if you need any confirmation as to why I enjoy this so much the whole story and narration is done by fuckin' Lemmy from Motorhead. That absolutely should have been part of every production of this play. Admittedly it's not as out there as some of the other movies I've reviewed this week, at least until nearer the end, and it takes such a street level view with this world known story that warrants at least one viewing. The production design, the extras, the soundtrack, the effects, all the pieces that make it come together give a lot of flavor and variety because let's be honest here Romeo & Juliet has been told too many times that it gets fucking boring! Goddamn if they showed this in my 9th grade english class I guarantee everyone would not only be glued to the screen but could write a hell of a report after the fact! It's a parody absolutely but that doesn't diminish the effect or relevance of it's being. If you wanted body piercings, lesbionics, loss of limb, and plenty of cussing in your theatre play look no further. It's entertaining as hell and we all know hell is pretty entertaining. 3 stars, 7.5/10! 21st century Troma here we come!

Lisa Frankenstein

Holy shit this movie!

I really only have one issue with this film and it's strangely the title. You'll see what I mean when I relay the plot and why waste time? Set in the glorious 1980s in the most unglamorized and natural way, we meet Lisa, who has one heck of a backstory to her, before through no real action of her own a corpse is reanimated and a slow burn romance ensues. This movie is a mix of Edward Scissorhands, Heathers, and the last legit Frankenstein movie I reviewed waaay back, Frankenhooker. It's...weird. Guaranteed cult movie status, and to be bluntly apparent I rather adored this movie. If I'm not mistaken this is the directorial debut of Zelda Williams and while it's not in your face this movie wiggles it's toes in the surreal and has a simple yet charming style to it. Kathryn Newton my dear God, not only does she do a really really good job with this script but the character of Lisa is maybe a little too perfect in my eyes. Cute as a button, has a good heart, clearly intelligent and well read, loves the Universal Monster movies, and transforms from quiet girl to goth icon. I'm kinda speechless. It's not all spooky vibes and superior tastes (though The Cure namedrop nearly made me spit my drink in joy), because as the movie progresses like I said it has some Heathers influence and she becomes quite self centered and sociopathic but never to the point she is unlikable. Cole Sprouse named only The Creature (Curse Of Frankenstein style I see) in the credits uhhh quite frankly has my heart. The man has to do physical acting and not speak a single word for 99% of the film and yet might be the best actor in it, the look is simple but effective, the romance feels earned, and he was just giving me hardcore Billy from Hocus Pocus vibes and if you know anything it's that Billy is my boy forever. I heard a LOT of people give Liza Soberano crazy amounts of praise before seeing the picture and I gotta admit as the step sister of Lisa, she's a fucking real one! Man if this is what siblings could be I almost regret being an only child. Almost. She's just this super sweet, caring, thoughtful yet kinda ditzy person and you think oh she's the popular girl and she's gonna be a bitch or get super jelly of Lisa, but no! She's that support that I think everybody deserves in their life. In a movie as kinda morbid and underground as this she is a dazzling ray of sunshine and I say bless her! The cast is relatively small in the major and suppprting characters but it knows when to focus on Lisa while giving the other actors moments to shine. I could damn well rave about the production design to infinity, you wanna know what the 80s were like without any embellishment or rose tinted glasses? Wha-bam! The fashion police would have a field day, the appliances and tech are beautiful in their retro-ness, the music is great, it's a work of art. The comedy was severely up my alley to where I'm pretty sure I was the only person laughing both consistently and strongly, from snickers to covering my mouth in shock laughs this was near tailor made for me. So yeah call me a fan, can't wait to see the cosplays at horror conventions, I do indeed recommend it. I mean hey it can't be a more awkward movie date than Silence Of The Lambs that came out on Valentine's Day, so shoot have fun with it. To quote my Nan who I got to watch Edward Scissorhands with me and made my tiny black heart grow, "I liked it. It was WEIRD, but I liked it.". 4 stars, 9/10!

The Little Mermaid (2023)

Back. For a moment in time.

Sooo....I've lost count, how many subsequent years have they transferred animation to live action? Well they've been doing it since 2014 if you count Maleficent, but actually they've only gotten one out every year since 2019 but they slammed us with FOUR in that year alone so once more unto the breach! And shock twist everyone, I haven't seen The Little Mermaid since my pre-teen years and only remember these things which I shall list now. Our principle cast, the dog, four songs, we nearly got teen nudity when Ariel transforms, Ursula's design was based on Divine of Pink Flamingos fame and just drag queens in general, annnnd her dad had the biggest arc of all the characters. So mostly I'm walking into this blind, and I liked it okay. It's certainly no Cruella in my book but it sure ain't The Lion King levels of fucking useless either. It's decent, the story follows close to the original with some minor change ups, the cinematography is pretty good with no fear of using color or spectacle, the cast is solid, and I really only had two problems with the movie. The first being minor but too stupid to let slide, now I haven't seen the original in probably close to 20 years but I sure as shit don't think there was a brief rap segment in the movie. Seriously, what the hell?? Second, this isn't a detracting point at all it was just something in the back of my brain that kept poking me and saying hey this bothers me but, Ariel looks about 17 and Eric looks about 31, I have issues telling age because I'm old and kinda blind without my glasses, but it just kept striking me as odd. And yet I did like their romance, they had genuinely very cute and funny moments! Halle Bailey is uber adorable and effortlessly captures the wide eyed wonder, passion, and curiosity for the human world, I really can't say a bad thing about her even if I tried. Jonah Hauer-King is a decent lead, you can tell he has compassion and understanding which lends well to the budding romance and while they change his hypnotized state a the end and not for the better in my mind, solid. Melissa McCarthy as Ursula was a bit of a linch pin for me, cause I had no idea until fairly recently and I could see it going bad or good. She actually did quite well, got the drama queen personality, sported a Divine-esque look, and even sang well so no strikes there. Javier Bardem as King Triton, I'm always down for that man and while it is a minor part like in the animated film you still get a firm grasp on him being an overprotective father but they kinda did him dirty a notch by not showing regret immediately after he trashes Ariel's collection, it just gave him more of a dick edge. I think my favorite part of the entire movie is just how done Sebastian is with this shit chasing after this girl non-stop, it just made me laugh. I gotta say the movie sure showcased the beauty and horror of the sea, with more creatures and atmosphere than you can shake a stick at, but I do end up wondering how did they film the actors? Cause sure when it's the far away shots it's all computer, but how did they get them to float and swirl and have their hair move as if they did film underwater?? I have no idea so I guess movie magic isn't completely dead. I'm probably not gonna change anybody's mind on this movie and indeed it does feel like I'm shaking the rust off my typing fingers, but it's a decent movie. I didn't know what to expect so I expected nothing and got a movie that had moments I liked and ultimately walked out of the theater with another live action remake that didn't make me mad or sad. So victory is victory. And if nothing else this gives a redemption chance to those hack fucks who wrote such inebriated garbage dismissals of the animated movie. 3 stars, 7.5/10, and I guess more dimensional traversal next week so see you then.

Love Never Dies

Oh boy, how do I summarize Love Never Dies? Oh God...here we go.

I need to make a few things perfectly clear! Set the Wayback Machine for 2009/2010, I'm hip deep into Phantom obsession and believe you me I was there okay. I was there when the announcement was made, I was there seeing theory videos from fans and behind the scenes from the creators, I was there when the soundtrack dropped, I was there on the official website doing all the fun stuff, and I was there when the intial run had begun and reviews started coming in. And I seriously am about to get a punjab lasso around my throat, before being beaten to death by a mob and summarily thrown into the Seine when I say, I do NOT hate Love Never Dies. In fact if I am being horrifically embarassingly honest, I had more Love Never Dies tracks on my MP3 player back in the day than I had Phantom Of The Opera tracks and I'm pretty sure both musicals are tied with songs now on my phone. So just bear with, please. I was 15 when this production began, I never saw it live, and it wasn't until many years later after the Phantom obsession died down I discovered very much like the 25th anniversary they filmed a performance, with the Australia cast in a real theater with a real audience. And hearing so much about the story and character progression that was only limited to my imagination for so long I had to watch it. So this isn't my first viewing and far from my first listen. Kay? Kay. So let's friggin' do this. Set 10 years after the original the Phantom has crossed the sea and set up shop at Coney Island but is very much still not over Christine and pulls some strings to get her back to perform for him again. She arrives with Raoul and their son Gustave unaware of the situation but when the hammer drops she has to make a decision, sing once more for her angel of music or run like hell with the family unit. Things get a bit more complicated but we'll leave it at that! I don't want to divulge much here so I'll refrain from saying massive spoilers as much as I can but we have to discuss this film and more importantly the overall production before all is said and done. I'll admit when Phantom ended, full catharsis, semi-open ending, regardless of whether I saw it on stage or screen, the thought of a continuation never crossed my mind. Everyone loved the ending so there you go. No more, no less, no demand. Yet, here we are. We got a sequel to Phantom Of The Opera that nobody ever asked for. But why? Other than perhaps highly lucrative sales for Lord Andy, I don't know. I feel strongly even stalwart in the defense of this production that a sequel could genuinely work and work well. You get elements and snippets of that in this film, where you could flat out make a sequel that deconstructs every single relationship in Phantom and just delve into it from both past and present standings. The romance between the Phantom and Christine, the fledgling relationship between Christine and Raoul, how the Giry's connect to the Phantom after a decade of being together, Gustave's fascination with the Phantom's world and machinations, you could write genuinely insightful and emotional stuff from that. But even with the choices made in the initial run that may have been redacted or altered slightly for this version, it ain't half bad! The Phantom is an absolute broken man without his lady love, a shell of his former self and almost flat out dying from a broken heart, and the revelations that come shake him to his foundations because he's so defeated and longing for a reprisal. Christine and Raoul's marriage has broken down, Raoul lost all his money and spiraled into alcoholism, Christine has some doubts and regrets about choosing Raoul at the end, and Gustave takes more after his mother than father. Madame Giry and Meg have dedicated a decade of their lives to smuggle the Phantom out of France and help him build his carnival venue Fantasma, going through years of hell and have been happy to essentially serve him so they can have a better future and how they percieve Christine as a major upheaval of their lives. That's some compelling stuff that can be expanded on more and honestly, if they have made changes version after version, run after run, who the hell says they can't do a massive rewrite from the ground up? Not to say what we got is a shambles, I very much like the majority of it and can roll with how it progresses. Because there's so many little touches most importantly in the acting and characterization that I feel is a huge improvement over the debut, that adds to the drama, romance, and tragedy. Ben Lewis may not have that rocky stunning singing voice of Ramin Karimloo, but he does admirable and his acting seems incredibly Universal Monster almost Bela Lugosi-esque with his powerful stare and slight accent, and even when he gets to act big (cause theater am I right) it doesn't feel overblown. I really dig his look from head to toe and that they give him a threatning edge feels much more in line with the original musical. Anna O'Byrne as Christine is very beautiful and has a good singing voice, she brings a bit more fire to her acting calling out the Phantom when he reappears and feels like she has infinite more depth than the original. Again it's the little touches of her interactions with Gustave, or how she has so much unsaid emotion on her face with Raoul or whether she wants to perform I mean that's good stuff that goes a ways. Simon Gleeson I feel the writing for Raoul helped him out a lot cause Raoul was almost a flat out abusive son of a bitch the first go around release but they've mellowed him a notch, giving more of a depressed man trying to get his life together again while still partly living in a bottle vibe, so when he has that unguarded moment where he shows his emotions you feel something from that, it's not as brutish or cold as the West End version. Sharon Millerchip just gives me even more reason to crush on Meg Giry, yeah I'm sorry if the decision was Christine or Meg I'm going Meg. Odd? Incredibly, she's barely there in the book and even more rare in adaptations, I can't explain it, Meg just has my heart. I know people who howled betrayal and character assassination when it came to Meg in this story, but again they've tweaked it and fine tuned it for this production where she's not....creepy psycho obssessed phangirl, and more made her still the sweet and young girl trying to make the best of the situation, holds the Phantom's opinion highly, is genuinely thrilled to be able to see Christine again, and those little character moments pay gigantic dividends when it comes to Meg in this film which makes her story so much more tragic. Plus Sharon has an absolutely lovely singing voice and is cute as a button. I don't know what you expect from me anymore. Leave me be. The character of Gustave doesn't really have much to do during the story, he comes off more as a plot element instead of a character, but Jack Lyall has a bright and crazy singing voice for one so young and ain't half a bad actor either so what can you do? I think my biggest complaint isn't really what anybody would expect me to say but, this theater that they performed at in Melbourne had a really small stage. Small in terms of width and not so much depth, even though the scene transitions and set designs are really damn good it can feel a bit claustrophobic and I kept noticing it. But everything else, the sets, costumes, makeup, and overall color and motion look great! They take a slightly darker edge to the carnival scenery and the performers therein, and even though the props and furniture do seem sparse it doesn't detract from a scene. Of course I can't talk about this movie without mentioning the score, and as stated above I've listened to this music plenty. In my incredibly humble opinion I feel they excised the right musical numbers, kept the best, changed some things here and there but ultimately as an improvement. Not as a slam against these singers, cause I damn well assure you I could not do better, when my mind plays these songs I hear Ramin, Sierra, and the original West End cast giving such powerful emotion to some numbers, but I still enjoy and appreciate the australian cast here full force. I actually feel the acting bits are superior to the singing bits here but the singing is still good. And just for the hell of it let's talk favorites. I'm split on making one of the few instrumental songs The Coney Island Waltz into a lyrical song so just stick to the album on that one. Till I Hear You Sing may honestly be my favorite of the tracks, with real powderkegs of emotion with certain singers at the helm and just a beautiful lament from the Phantom. It's hard for me not to sing along with it. Speaking of which, The Beauty Underneath goddamn is this a rocking wild tune that put my mind in a stranglehold and I begged for more when the album hit, it's a split decision between this and the Phantom's solo as best song of the entire album. Both Devil Take The Hindmost's are respectively great duets and quartets, I think the quartet is my favorite of those two with so many intertwining melodies where it's almost addicting to listen to. Good stuff man. And the less we speak of the beauty of bathing the better, don't despise it but good lord that's a whoooole other can of worms. No thanks. And as for the ending well, my lips are sealed but you know what? It made me feel a tinge of emotion if only for one moment so it isn't a failure. That's how I'd sum up the entirety of Love Never Dies, despite what people said, despite the not so popular and consistent runs, despite the direction Lord Andy wanted to take for the sequel, it didn't fail. It's just one more piece of Phantomy goodness to enjoy and it is so not the worst. Not by a longshot across a country mile several lightyears from our galaxy. I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10! And The Phantom himself has stopped haunting Broadway after 3 decades, so nothing clearly lasts forever. But it's never really gone. Who is the Phantom? He is...whatever you want him to be.

Phantom Of The Opera (1990)

I really confused myself majorly in doing some research for this version.

Bit of backstory necessary for this, back in the 70s Ken Hill fashioned a Phantom Of The Opera musical completely unrelated to what we know today as the musical Phantom, and two creators saw the Ken Hill play, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Arthur Kopit, who in tandem with Maury Yeston were creating a Phantom story of their own with a lot more emphasis on romance instead of horror. But Lord Andy and Cameron Mackintosh got to the finish first and even though the Yeston and Kopit stage play was backed by Broadway and ready to go, they all jumped ship to the Lloyd Webber musical forcing the duo to shelve the project until the 90s. The Charles Dance mini-series is essentially the play just without most of the musical numbers. And the Yeston and Kopit musical has been performed all over the world with a highly succesful iteration in Japan with an all female troupe, so it's not complete bad news for them. But back to the main reason we're here. The movie is a good sit clocking in at 3 hours and honestly if they just stuck to the book I really think we would have had a definitive version here, cause obviously they don't need to rush the story with a good runtime like that, they actually film at the legit Opera Populaire, and for a while at the beginning it seems to follow the sequence of events for the book. But hey, the musical wasn't really trying to be faithful to the book so whatever it's okay. It's pretty typical for the vast majority of the movie in terms of plot, a young lady named Christine is brought to the Opera House with patronage of the Count De Chagny, as new managers move in, and both come to be aware seperately of a strange presence at the opera. Christine gets singing lessons, mishaps occur at the performances of prima donna Carlotta, Raoul or rather Philipe in this version takes an interest in Christine, and the Phantom eventually abducts her. It doesn't deviate much from the source except in one major respect, we get backstory on Erik's parents. And of course they have to fiddle about with Christine so she looks like Erik's mom, I'll never understand that as long as I live! Why? Just leave it, leave it, stop touching it, if it ain't broke don't damn well fix it! Back to the review. The recent ex-manager of the opera is Erik's father, which some people have issue with but honestly I don't mind it, sure he's not as isolated or takes great matters in his hands cause he has help from above but I feel how the story goes and the performances involved make it work nicely. Talking of which, this is a very good cast. I know Charles Dance has a big reputation these days and I'm thrilled he does, but to me he'll always be Erik first and foremost. Very different from past incarnations, much more soft spoken and gentlemanly rather than outright murdering monster. And I have to give the movie major credit for not showing the Phantom's face, controversial perhaps but I like that it's just left to your imagination and it works in a different way. Plus I greatly enjoy how you can tell he has feelings for Christine and while he showers her with compliments and enjoys her company he doesn't really know how to say or voice his deep love for her. Teri Polo as Christine I loved just as much as Charles, she has this very humble, innocent, sweet persona and it's difficult not to smile when she's on screen, and brownie points for getting a blonde Christine like in the book which is rarer than having Meg or Caesar the horse in an adaptation. This might be the first Burt Lancaster movie I've seen and he has a good presence weaving the mystery of the opera ghost, the relationship between Gerard and Erik is not only unique but heartfelt at times, and I like how he has a prominent role throughout. Ian Richardson and Andrea Ferreol make a solid duo as the opera manager Choleti and Carlotta, they're used for comic relief well but not overused, Carlotta's actually pretty devious in this and any version of this character is fun to watch even if her egotistical personality makes her very unlikeable. And Adam Storke as Philipe, no disrespect to the man at all for this, but I really don't like this version of Raoul. This is quintessential floppy hair fop Raoul and I don't truthfully buy the romance but I barely ever do, I mean he acts perfectly fine but it's the character I take issue with. I was so over it by the end man, I just don't like the ending cause it puts me in a bummer mood but at the exact same time that goes to show good storytelling and effective drama if it can take you to those emotional places. I highly recommend looking this movie up on Youtube cause there was some severe film preservation going on and even more so specifically Phantom film preservation, they have both parts in upscaled 1080p and it looked great even on my laptop. Seeing the Paris Opera House in such clarity, with all the costumes and props, was so cool and enjoyable. It's undoubtedly a movie that's a matter of taste to people, some adore it and say it's one of the best, other say it isn't for them, but where do I stand? Well once more, this version I have heard about for 15 years now and finally seeing it was nice. I think it's a very good version and has lots to enjoy, but I can understand some of the feedback on things like the runtime, the Phantom's characterization, more emphasis on romance and less on the music, but those things didn't faze me badly. There's something for everyone in this phandom. You want straight up bloody horror here's the Robert Englund version, you want classic cinema and a faithful adaptation go wild with the Chaney version, you want high emotion melodrama with a fantastic score the musical is most certainly the way, and if you want absolutely fucking nothing what so goddamn ever to do with the source material unfortunately the Dario Argento version exists. I'd recommend this for phans who want a more human story with Erik and Christine, who like romance movies and emotional drama, or just wanting to see yet another version previously unexplored, because it is worth it. And from what I've seen the stage show isn't half bad either, I certainly wouldn't mind seeing it all live, and on the tier list of Phantom musicals I think it sits at 2nd place which in the grand scheme of things is a mighty good place to be. So take it for what it's worth. 3 stars, 8/10! And God above are we just digging into it tomorrow, oh yes it is time to talk....Love Never Dies.

Three Thousand Years Of Longing

Not at all the movie I thought it would be but I'm still happy.



I can't recall when I first saw promotional material for this film, and even then I only saw it once but I knew this was going to be a movie for me so here we are. What a fascinating little film! I truthfully thought the concept of Tilda Swinton playing a literary scholar named Alithea based solely in science and fact coming into contact with a djinn a wish giving creature of fantasy played by Idris Elba was pretty cool, and I figured the film would almost be this battle of religion and science but in a very intellectual and and thought provoking way. What I got was a still regardlessly interesting blossoming romance movie where the vast majority of it is with our two stars sitting in a room talking and telling stories. Doesn't sound far off from skull caving boredom, but it couldn't be anything farther from that! The devils are in the details and how the both literal stories of the character's past and the progression of the plot are what keeps it engaging. Of course Alithea finds it hard to believe despite physical evidence to the contrary that this mythical being has emerged in her hotel room but they quickly disband a lot of rebuking and denial that the djinn can't actually exist and move onto a few questions of his existence which leads to his history. Beautifully directed by George Miller, he of the incalculable Mad Max Fury Road fame, it's a visually striking and filled to the brim rich environment of scenes, with interesting camera work, slick editing, and colors galore as we follow his origins from the times of King Solomon to present day. Now on one hand I can easily see this movie not grabbing people's attention as firmly as it did mine, it's almost ludicrously simple in concept with more or less monologues abound of past histories formed as stories, yet I feel that is entirely the point. The movie really leans hard on the concept of stories, of tales, of legends and what humans get out of it and what they see in making such things, hell the only media I've seen that holds similar standing on the concept is The Sandman comics. It articulates itself very well, better than I can honestly find words to describe it myself so I do suggest people give it a go. It's not even 2 hours long, and while the movie has more fades to black than Return Of The King (my only slight complaint about the movie period) I found it easy to slip into this world, hear the tales, get invested in our characters, and did wonder at exactly how it all would end. It's a strange but neat little interesting story that I'm very happy to have seen. I personally give it 4 stars, 8.5/10, and while the idea that we're all just stories in the end has been in my mind for some time this movie actually reinforces that just a little bit more.

El Mariachi

Is this my first film from Mexico? I almost think it is but with my shot memory who knows.

I'm not entirely sure why this movie and it's sequels under the title of The Mexico Trilogy grabbed my attention for reviews, but I have to say I'm super happy to have seen this movie. I've heard bits and pieces about it but had no inkling of what I was getting into. I knew this was Robert Rodriguez's directorial debut, shot on a shockingly minimal budget of $7,000, and the process of making the movie was covered in the autobiography Rebel Without A Crew, which I really need to get my hands on even more so now. The plot is pretty simple, with a wandering mariachi player coming to the town of Acuna and is mistaken for the enemy of the crime boss of the town, with him being hunted down by gunmen and desperately trying to stay low. It's a simple yet effective story, with good acting, and an interesting filmmaking style that I can't quite say I've seen the likes of before. Shot on 16mm film but transferred to video is unheard of actually in my world, and it has that film grain yet still retains the fuzzy resolution of a video camera which is pretty neat to see. The editing is damn near typical of a bad movie, lots of jump cuts, quick alternations of angles, examples of something most common audience members would find shoddy or disorientating but truthfully it's part of the charm of the movie. It uses the editing for comedic effect which I found to work greatly, it may be over the top but I am anything but subtle in life and have a great admiration for dramatic flair, and the stylistic choice never fades or changes so it was clearly intentional. I happened to get all 3 of these movies on a single DVD pack, with the express purpose of seeing it in it's native spanish language and while I have only the slimmest modicrum of knowledge of that language I thought the performances were pretty dang solid. Carlos Gallardo is a very fine lead, able to convey that innocent man stumbling into a real shit storm with ease and has charm to go around. Consuelo Gomez is a semi-romantic interest but she's fun and needless to say incredibly beautiful, and even though she turns up later on in the movie still does great work. Peter Marquardt is a good albeit basic villain, and I was honestly shocked to hear that he was actually speaking spanish and was not in fact dubbed, I was even more surprised to find out he wasn't fluent in the language cause it sure as hell fooled me I mean he sounds perfectly natural. The action bits were good, no high octane explosions or more blood packs than you can shake a stick at, but considering the whole production aspect it keeps tension very nicely and is given just enough. I mean the movie is not even 90 minutes long, but don't let that fool you, it knows how to linger on a moment and use it's time wisely. You can tell the music score was most likely done with an electronic keyboard but I'd be lying my ass off if I said it wasn't catchy, and the brief instances of hearing the mariachi play are really really nice to listen to and I enjoyed it greatly. It certainly leaves the door open for a continuation but I haven't a clue how or where this could go from here, which makes me even more excited to review Desperado tomorrow. I give this movie 3.5 stars, 7.5/10, I have no idea how this movie got ample attention and the reputation it has but man am I happy it exists. Onwards to tomorrow!

In Retrospect: Licorice Pizza

Okay, I was on some mad drugs for not giving this an 10/10.

God dang, it's a good day and I just saw a wonderful wonderful movie again. I was waiting for this movie to hit video like you wouldn't believe and needless to say I fell in love all over again. The brief reputation this movie has on this show is remarkable in and of itself, making the #2 spot on my top 10 list of last year before I even got the damn review out, I still have no idea why I gave it a 9/10, and it easily goes up to the top in the romance genre for me. I'm just gonna say it, Cooper Hoffman is the best male lead in a romance movie I have ever seen in my life. This smooth motherf***er charmed the pants off of me within minutes of screentime, fricking Gary Valentine sweet lord that man isn't even human. If I had an ounce of his charisma and personality the world would be mine before the month is out, you want to talk about some alpha male goals? Motherf***ing Gary Valentine. And the strange part is I heard some people bad mouth Alana Haim and Cooper Hoffman, saying they looked too plain or "unattractive", yeah because every movie has to have the most positively shocking gorgeous human specimens on the planet. I kinda though that was the point, it is just a strange little average romance with average people, but Alana is very beautiful and Cooper is just a dashing devil. I know without question this is not a movie for everyone, I can practically hear the naysayers off in the distance behind the hills saying nothing happens in this movie and it's all just odd for odd's sake. If you let yourself be swept away in this story, you can have a great time. I'm sure it can be looked at with a flowery critical and intellectual eye and still can have something to say, I may be treading over holy ground when I say this but it reminds me a bit of The Graduate and can be remembered just as strongly I feel. Big words I know, but I as always mean what I say. I got so super invested I thought near the end of the movie they were going to drop a safe on my head and end it really depressingly. If you've seen the movie you know of the character I speak of, and I was just like, you sons of bitches if you screw with me and take this away from me I will take a crowbar to this movie's head for 20 minutes straight. Which if anything goes to show how much I treasured the love story and these characters. It still continued to make me bust with laughter very often, partly because of the script and partly because of the performances. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing when Gary got slapped, it's just highly difficult not to enjoy yourself here. I could spend all night praising this movie but I think you get the point, it's a truly special and lovely film that no doubt will have my heart for a long time. 4 stars, 12/10! I regret nothing. See you next week for some high flying action.

Cyrano

It's been a hot minute since I've seen a movie like this.

I am more concerned less of my own opinion and instead how much exposure this movie will get. This might be the most difficult sell of the year, it's a romance movie wrapped in a period piece with synchronized dancing segments and people expressing their feelings through the power of their voice. It's a musical. Not only that but it does take a super flowery, nary a drop of cynicism or pessimism, classical take on love. So the story is a love triangle between a young lady named Roxanne, a soldier named Christian, and the captain of the guard the eponymous Cyrano. Cyrano has always admired Roxanne from afar but she professes her love to Christian in true love at first sight fashion, and she orders Cyrano to look after him and to make him write her letters. But our Christian has no merit with words so Cyrano writes for him. Basic romance stuff, but done I felt very very well. Maybe it's just the theater kid in me but I was rolling with this movie incredibly well. The setting in France with the buildings, fashion, and cinematography look expertly crafted and beautiful to boot. I thought our main cast of players did a cracking good job with the material juggling drama, romance, and even a good bit of comedy in it and I have to admit the singing was pretty good as well. I didn't really know Peter Dinklage could sing but I was happily surprised and thought he did quite well, but Haley Bennett was the shining star in terms of vocals. Again, my opinion means little because of the particular movie it is. Musicals are hard sellers, but the sheer fact that in 2022 a movie comes along with musical numbers, theatrical drama, and truly old fashioned stances on romance is something that I must admire. Not many people would direct and star in such motion pictures, but they did it adamantly and sincerely. For that it has my respect. And shocker I with great ease was pulling Phantom connections, the most prominent one was a chinese iteration of the Phantom called Song At Midnight, where a similar plot development occurs. A "disfigured" man adores a woman from afar and uses a handsome man to speak through to win her affection, it's almost beat for beat. But honestly, Cyrano is a movie with ample heart, great craftsmanship, and no doubt will have a strong fanbase with drama and theater going folk. I dare even say it could fish an Oscar next year. 4 stars, 8/10.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

I don't even know what to say!

What the f***, why was that so good??! I loved it! My brain can't form cohesive words right now except I love it! This is pure Kino if I have ever damn well seen it, this movie has zero right being as good as it is and I consider it a new age masterpiece. I don't even think this movie can be properly conveyed and summarized, I'd have to go almost scene by scene but that would ruin the effect and you need to get your ass out there and watch it. Okay, gotta be calm. So the movie basically is about this couple Joel and Clementine, played by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, who just sort of meet and odd people make odd couples, yet the movie takes a hard right straight into...I don't even know how to properly describe it. It's like Inception before Inception, and had touches of Memento, and it gets butt wild and I for one love everything about this movie. It honestly looks like an independent film that could have been released in 2019, the cinematography is a masterclass in it's own style and never for a microsecond is boring to the eye. Jim Carrey gives the zenith of his acting skills here, I know Truman Show was the peak for me but naw man, not after this movie. Best performance of Jim Carrey ever. Kate Winslet is a weird girl in this movie and I treasure her to the moon and back, she's so out there and so vocally transparent, and both of them are so undeniablly human in all their bizzare faults and mannerisms, it's brilliant. For years I thought Eternal Sunshine was more a movie of romantic depression, no idea why though cause honestly the movie is really friggin' funny. I was cracking up often throughout, because this cast is such a weird collection of people and as you watch them you just start laughing at the odd stuff they do. Marvel alumni Mark Ruffalo and Kirsten Dunst are in this movie as work colleagues/dating couple and you are witness to some mad shit with them two interacting on screen and by God is it fun. The soundtrack is perfect for the movie, very quiet, bit jazzy bit almost dream like music, and I find that apt because it's a dream like movie. From the visuals, to the editing, to the character interactions, to the plot itself. How....the f***....have I slept on this? I mean you could no doubt read into this movie until the cows come home, maybe it's a giant metaphor or allegorical interpretation of Alzheimer's as you fight for your memories, maybe it's a statement on how memories are what defines you as an individual and is the core basis of your mind and how you can play around with memories inside your head, I don't know. I just know I loved everything about it, this is going right up there with Lost In Translation and Her and you know what that means. 4 stars! 10/10! Goddamn this was a great movie! Happy Valentine's Day to me and do yourself a favor and watch it today.

Licorice Pizza

I always save the best for last, and I totally did not mean to forget to post it yesterday.

You know my stance on romance movies, so the fact I'm reviewing this alone should be reason enough to hunt this movie down and watch it. Once more we look at a facet of the complex, shining, crazy diamond that is relationships as we meet Gary and Alana and this is where it becomes complicated to talk about this movie. Because I have so much I could say and yet don't want to say anything, because the way their relationship forms is so endearing, simple yet strange, and absolutely real. Cause Gary, my f***ing man, is the smoothest bastard I've seen in my life. He hits on her out of the blue one day and she inexplicably against her own protests goes to meet him for a Coca-Cola, and it's this real tightrope situation where they are undoubtedly best friends but a lot of people flat out ask them, hey are you guys a thing now, and they genuinely say yes and no. At first I thought it was a modern story but it actually takes place during the early 70s, the clothes, the appliances, the world events, and it works surprisingly well for the story plus I'm a sucker to see that decade. I love our leads, Alana Haim and Cooper Hoffman are honestly a bit too good. I can't say one bad thing about them, they play it so well and with an abundance of sincerity. You buy the romance, they do things just to spite one another, they do have conflicting emotions, they can be quite weird. That's kids man. That is romance at a young age where they have nothing to compare it to, they're just trying to figure it out. I think movies like this will stand the test of time far more than your regular love story fare. But it's damn funny too, I was probably the only person in that theater laughing consistently, honestly even to the point where I thought I was laughing too loud that I was disturbing the viewing for everyone else. It's a bizarre but highly effective use of comedy and one that hit my buttons just right. I haven't seen many Paul Thomas Anderson movies, only Boogie Nights before this but I sure noticed he loves him some long takes, moving long takes at that which worked wonderfully. The camera moves frequently and scenes take their time which I appreciate. They don't need to rush, they just ride this weird torpedo to the end, and it immerses you in the time period and more importantly the relationship. It is worth every second. I quite loved this movie and do urge people to see it when you can. I give it 4 stars, 9/10, a surprise to be sure but a welcome one.