Breaking Dawn

I'm not splitting it in two.

Who thought of that? I mean really, who said this story needed to be cut in half? With The Deathly Hallows it made sense, there was a lot of ends to tie up and plenty to do to fill the runtime of two 2 hour movies. This does not. I could have done the whole movie in a single 2 and a half hour picture because not that much happens in the first part, and you could argue even less happens in the second. So let's talk part 1, shall we? What happens story wise? Well Edward and Bella get married and yeah, the wedding aesthetic they chose looked very nice but it takes up 1/4 of the movie alone, then we go down to Rio for the honeymoon and piddle around for what seems like months just watching Bella be horny to the point of begging for sex (Always striving for progress aren't you Twilight?) and shock of all shocks, Bella gets preggers. She screwed a dead person and something bad happened to her, who would have thunk it?? So they haul ass back to Forks and already Bella has got a huge baby bump, and every vampire is scared absolutely shitless probably because they've seen Rosemary's Baby and are anticipating for some hellspawn to erupt from her stomach while Bella has still lost her mind from 3 movies back and wants to keep it, yet again dismissing all advice from her family and friends because it's not what she wants. I will say however the makeup is excellent, she looks like she is carrying around a life sucking demon in her uterus, huge props to the makeup! I am so happy she dies in this movie. Like could you imagine if this film just went grim horror after the birth? Bella dies, Jacob loses his shit and kills the baby, Edward kills Jacob and absolute war breaks out between the vampires and the werewolves leaving very few people alive. Which is much better than what actually happens! Jacob sees the baby and immediately has a full on Dreamweaver fantasy about Bella's newborn daughter....this name is the worst name of all names, Renesme or Reneesme both spellings are completely f***ed, and thus newborn porn began!!! I'm sorry I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. It didn't help that I was drinking and in a foul mood already. I know I am skimming through this movie but when you have 4 HOOOURS of shit you'll forgive me if I don't delve too deep. I will say however the soundtrack is ass and with the exception of some nice callbacks to the first soundtrack (Seriously you could not play Bella's Lullaby in the past two movies??) it falls flat, there is abusive amounts of montages, I still hate the characters, you do not get to second base at your wedding ceremony, there was hardly anything that I liked, and I want this nightmare to be over so badly I would sacrifice small children! I've got such a headache, and feel honestly sick to my stomach, I should feel elated and happy because I'm so close to being done but nope! 2 more hours of bullshit to go and I think I'm going to die. Or at the very least go to the hospital.

Oh my God. It's done. I'm free! Man for the last part of a series it certainly goes at break neck speed until the end which is baffling because it's still 2 hours long. It's like the past 3 movies worth of nothing happening came flooding into this movie. It does not screw around, there is so much that happens but can easily be condensed, Bella becomes a vampire and the Volturi learn of her new daughter and seek to eliminate the Cullen line. But jeez so much happens in those plot points, we meet so many more vampires that could have had more in depth backstories and characterizations but no! Which sucks because their special powers and slight character is interesting! Bella's transformation is glossed over though so quickly it really kind of breaks the movie and further hammers my point home of not splitting the movie in two. Because if you waited another year or however long between part 1 and 2 and kinda went to see this movie without rewatching the last, it leaves you in the dust. There is no recap or slow accustomizing of Bella's power now and it gave me whiplash and I finished the last damn movie about 30 minutes before I started this movie, so you can imagine how people were just shoved into this without something to grab onto who waited a year. There is jack shit to talk about beyond this big climatic fight which leads to easily the best moment of the movie, and maybe even the series. Michael Sheen is needed in this movie. Why? Because he is endlessly amusing and the performance he gives in one single solitary scene almost makes it worth the 3+ hour trip of this movie. Don't watch the movies, just YouTube Breaking Dawn laugh. You will thank me later. And I still feel the ending fight was a cop out despite the fact Alice saves everyone further proving why she is the greatest person in this series from now until the end of forever, because why would a story actually change things??? We can't have characters dying, and a true sense of drama and shock! People just want the same story from beginning to end over and over again!! Stories don't change from the beginning to the end, stories never change and characters never develop, cause that's clearly why people read expansive tales covered in several books. It's just to see the same thing! And to end this horrible, horrible week I bring up this final point. Above every single title since New Moon there has been an epitath, the Twilight saga. Now I took the time to look up the definition of the word Saga which was and I quote, "a long story of heroic achievement, or a long, involved story, account, or series of incidents.". And the Twilight series fails on every one of those points. There is no heroic achievement, no journeys, no battles, no glory to be won. Nor is it a involved story, it is brief and without much history or depth in the scope of this world, the writing is simply basic and tells a non-compelling story about a romance. Now romances are fine and good, many have been created both literally and cinematically through over a century that are still held in high regard today. But the reasons we read or watch romances is to see the emotional connection of two people and so that we can partake in the pleasure of their growing relationship, one of the best if not the best romance tales that a lot of people point to in this day and age is Disney's Beauty & The Beast. But why? Because every character action, movement, line of dialogue, and choice enhances our enjoyment and our growing fondness of these characters. We want to see them together, we want there to be a happily ever after, we want love to triumph over the forces of anger and evil. And there is no such thing in Twilight and even more so in next week's films, the highly talked about and even more publically and critically destroyed, Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Eclipse

Yep I was right! I hate being right about bad movies!!

Nothing happens in this movie. A conflict is resolved that has no major standing or satisfying conclusion and the movie ends where it practically began. That is not good storytelling! How do you do that? How do you have a movie about a small underground vampire army led by loose end Victoria from movie number 1 waging war on the Cullens, forcing them to team up with the wolves and take them out, and make it the most boring shit and completely irrelevant story I have ever seen in my life? Two major developments happen in this movie, Edward asks Bella to marry him after what, 3 years at best of dating(?) and the redhead gets out of the picture and both takes over an hour and a half to complete. So what you might ask happens in the intervening hour and a half? Not much! We still get brief glimmers of good characters and moments but we still revert to melodrama bullshit that would be laughed off the Lifetime channel. We get a tiny bit more lore about the werewolves which is infinitely interesting and could be it's own movie, I genuinely like how there is this great sense of family and loyalty within the pack which I liked. Further backstory is given to a few of the Cullens, both of which is interesting and even a bit enlightening almost as if the writer said, oh yeah we have other characters of this family and we don't know much about them so let's give them some story. And it's good stuff! It's original, and fascinating, and even a bit emotional stuff that we desperately needed more of in this series. I refuse to call it a saga, I will not insult your intelligence like that or my own. There's actually some hilarious dialogue from our three main leads, yet again showing how the dialogue could be more dynamic and fun, but it's so few in such a long movie. I do not like these characters very much, Bella is harboring on sociopathic and completely refuses to listen to EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER telling her that her decisions could and will have consequences and that maybe she should sleep on the whole vampire thing. But no. As stubborn as a bull. And the fact she has the...ovaries to just make out with Jacob not 20 feet away from her future husband that I'm pretty sure every woman in the theater watching that scene had their hands down their pants, but whatever. Class act as ever Bella!! Edward is surprisingly okay even though he gets catty with Jacob every two seconds, but I like the talk they have near the end and just kinda hash things out and are kind of okay with one another, that was a nice change of pace, they don't duke it out they just talk. But Jacob, ooh boy, Jacob gets a little creepy. I'm talking obsessed, stalker, kinda rape-y creepy, it may not be for that long but Jesus fish it still happened and it's...off putting shall we say. It just has issues that could be fixed and salvaged and to add insult to injury there is always a few good things in each movie, whether they be cute little moments like the fact Charlie and Alice chit chat for awhile and they seem to get along really well. Like can I just get a movie where we see the day to day stuff of everybody besides our love triangle? I would pay to see a movie where Charlie pals around with his friends, goes to bars, fishes and hunts, and just get a little slice of his life. Or you know, getting a collage of all the Cullen's backstories and major defining moments of their lives. There is so many little gems of just good moments, and writing, and characters it boggles my mind how we end up with this. You tied up a loose end and set up a wedding. Yippee. And you know what? Stephanie Meyer ended the series with this. No seriously, this was how it was supposed to end, but people clearly did not like it just sort of ending more abruptly than The Sopranos so they wanted a real ending. Well sometimes you better be careful of what you wish for, cause now I have not one but two movies to review, and I don't want to ffff***ing watch them!! Cause we couldn't wrap it up in one movie, we had to rip off Harry Potter and do the last story in two parts! I'm gonna break something, I am so frustrated, this is gonna degrade fast into an hours long rant I need to stop.

Home stretch people, we'll see if I make it.

New Moon

What am I doing with my life?

I could be doing anything with my life. I could learn how to write in calligraphy, I could start writing on my movie script, I could be watching better movies! But no. We're talking about New Moon. There is no forgiving sentence like for the first Twilight movie, I got fed up with this movie before the 30 minute mark and I can pin 90% of the films issues on a single character. Yes, we get to delve into the disturbing psyche of Bella Swan. Oh my God, this girl. Hang on I gotta go point by point in the story briefly so we can have context for the criticism. Okay so movie starts up, and Bella is having dreams that she will grow old and frail while Edward will stay his pasty fruity self forevermore. Okay, is that not essentially what having a mid-life crisis is? And she's having it at the very mature age of eighteen! Lady are you serious? I know high school teenage girls can be kind of vain but this....this is some next level f***ery. Oh and major props to the subtle allegory of this story and Romeo And Juliet which is already fundamentally wrong on every level, because 1. Romeo And Juliet is a tragedy, not a love story. Read the damn book. 2. It's Shakespeare and actually has prose, and meaning, and not mind numbing character motivation. And 3. It has no deeper meaning in this story. It's just a school assignment. So what even is the damn point? Ugh, anyway where was I? Okay, so it's Bella's birthday and she has a small party at the Cullen's house and somehow has the mother of all paper cuts from opening a present to the point where it's dripping onto their carpet and totally sets off Jasper, one of the newer members of the family. And what follows made me laugh so hard I couldn't believe it. So Edward sees this coming and gives the most first class, most absent minded palm strike to Bella I have ever seen. He's like, oh damn I need to get Bella out of danger, then pushes her so hard I'm amazed she didn't go through the damn wall and slams into plate glass and absolutely shreds her arm. Good judgement call Edward. So this leads Edward to believe he cannot protect Bella from anything so he brings her to the middle of the woods and tells her him and his family are leaving, totally either forgetting or apathetic to the fact that Victoria from the last movie, creepy James' girlfriend is hunting Bella. Just completely gives up. Great boyfriend material. And then the film just....stops, for like 2/3rds of the movie. Bella becomes completely helpless until the end of the movie, honestly you think Edward poisoned her by how she's shuddering and gasping for breath in the woods and nearly dies from exposure. This is where Bella gets insufferable. She trances out, she sits in a chair and the camera circles her as three months pass and it feeeeels like 3 months, just melodrama bullshit. She wakes up screaming in pain because the heartbreak is that real man, and all I have to say is I have lost people in my life, people I have lost for the rest of my life and meant more than the world to me and even I did not do that. What the ass. Oh my God I nearly forgot about the best part! Bella is so driven insane by grief, like full on Macbeth hallucinatory grief and sees these ghostly images of Edward, like straight up Obi-Wan Kenobi in smoke and mist....and she's okay with that. She literally says in the movie "Maybe I have gone crazy, and I'm okay with that.". This is amazing. And the film on repeated instances calls her out on how batshit crazy and stupid she is. Both Anna Kendrick and Alice call her insane, an adrenaline junkie, and an idiot! Do you see why they are my favorite characters in this entire series? Like sweet Jesus I could bitch for hours about her but we got other stuff to talk about. I will say this, since the vampires are absent for the majority of this film we get a new supernatural presence in Forks, we get werewolves and I actually like how the movie takes the time to get to know them a bit, how their order works, defining characteristics, it's not bad stuff. But jeez does Jacob suffer in this movie, I didn't talk about him in the last movie cause he didn't have that much a part to play in it, so it's his proper and permanent introduction in this movie. But what sucks is he goes from this very nice, kind, even a bit dorky kid to this controlling and aggresive son of a bitch. It's like every good thing the first movie had going for it gets completely screwed over. To further prove my point of tinkering with the story and making it better for the movies, you could have Jacob be a real upstanding, very nice, very caring friend, just a swell guy to everyone in town who always hangs out with Bella and is her one and only true friend. Then Edward would be going through some troubling times and has to leave to take some time for himself, leaving Bella for a short time and she confides in Jacob who's a very supportive friend but loves her to where he respects her choices. Unlike him being a creepy controlling love rival in this movie. And could further this conflict because he gets very angry and kinda bloodthirsty because of his werewolf instincts and persona. Kinda like that other werewolf movie, what was it called? It had a really nice guy who was inflicted with this terrible curse and became a bloodthirsty monster who could hurt or kill his loved ones and family, hmmm I think it was called....Howling 2. Hell it could be a great sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type deal as well! It could really work if they actually did something. Again, you could keep the plot points but better the story and characters. The romance is even more sick inducing and unwarranted in this movie than the last 15 or so minutes of Twilight. It just seems like a shallow relationship, with Bella not wanting to age, constantly trailing along these boys, and becoming a total nutjob that I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable around. Like how codependent and worthless are you without having a guy around? This concept doesn't even work with the stock harlequin romance novels with you know, this young lady tempted by these two mysterious kinda studly guys and has to choose between them, because the characters are so bent ass backwards and done so poorly it's a slog to get through. The one shining star besides Billy Burke of course is Michael Sheen as this I guess elder vampire of like this cult thing(?) called the Volturi. Okay. He is great! He is campy fun, very much in the vein of Zuse in Tron Legacy and it's like he knows what movie he is in and decides to just have a ball and relish the scenery chewing cause he is a blast! But it ain't enough to save this movie. I see what they were attempting to do, to broaden the world, give the second piece of the love triangle some weight and standing, and deepen the so called romance of our two leads. But it fails spectacularly. I can appreciate what they tried to do with giving the werewolves you know this sort of mythos but it didn't go deeper with it, if memory serves it goes a bit more into their world in the book but it has been considerable time since last I read those novels but you know, sticky star for trying. Like if Twilight was just this one off movie based on a popular book and they just left it at that, this would not be that bad a problem. It would just be an average, harmless, decent movie of it's time and nothing more. But every sequel keeps digging deeper and deeper into the septic tank and I dread the next movie because I don't think a damn thing happens in it. Which is saying a lot after this movie!! Oh my God I spent money on this movie, I'm gonna throw up.

Twilight

This is going to be a rough week.

I tried. I really, really tried to put this off for a long time. I was hoping I could get about 10 years of reviews done before I have to do the Twilight but clearly life had different plans. I am going to be honest the movie wasn't as bad as I remembered, it's been close to 8 if not 9 years since I last saw this movie and I can really say it's the "best" of the series if I can classify it as that, it goes downhill fast after this movie but honestly the movie isn't roll in the aisle hilarious or face palming ridiculous or enraging. It's okay. It has issues here and there but truthfully it's the most tolerable movie of the lot. I don't even think I need to recall plot here, you know what this is about, Bella Swan the most pale chick from Arizona you will ever meet goes to Forks, Washington and lives her everyday average teenage life when she meets the mysterious and very mood swinging Edward Cullen and a relationship that will border on sociopathic in future films blossoms. And you know what I noticed in this movie? I think the films should have kinda done their own thing, stick kinda close to the books but ultimately do different things with it. I did read the books before I saw the movies cause I had to find out what the hell everybody was talking about, and the books are okay, they're not terrible or poorly written like a, ahem, other book series. I'm gonna be honest the relationship between Edward and Bella when they are friends is surprisingly likeable! They talk, make jokes, it's a nice beginning but gets swallowed up by this romance nonsense. If they spent practically two movies with them just being friends, kinda giving signs that they really like each other and near the end of the second movie they were a couple, I really wouldn't have much to bitch about! They work better as friends, they actually have stuff to talk about and do rather than be a couple and be the most boring thing I ever seen on the screen. And that's the big problem with Twilight, I cracked the code people! I figured it out! We need to believe the romance of these people and it happens way, way too fast. By the end of this movie Bella has totally made up her mind and is willing to sacrifice her friends and family to be a bloodsucking monster of the night and that her romance with Edward is one in a million and simply meant to be but you haven't earned that. They went on like 2 dates, she met his family, he took her to prom and that's kinda it. That is all it takes for you to love someone for all eternity as vampires?? No! Now if they treated it like a real romance and started off as friends, and they got to know each other, talk about what they like, do stuff together it could have been a much stronger romance, which is what they kinda do in the movie. In fact, if you just look at this movie as a girl meets a guy that she doesn't really get and like uncovers this mystery about him while being friends that he is in fact a vampire, and she is totally cool with that and still continues being friends with him...the movie is actually really not that bad. Hell they really play up the mystery of this town, you get told legends and get hints here and there about the truth of this guy so it really banks on the fact that you have no idea that Twilight involves vampires. So there's quite a bit that the movie does well but then it gets buried by melodrama bullshit in future movies. And there is some stuff I really like about the movie, though the movie has a very cold look and the colors seem a bit washed out, I like the locations whether indoors or outdoors in this town, the forests are very dark and misty kinda giving a classic horror movie vibe to it, I really dig the architecture of the Cullen home it's very modern and quite nice. I kinda like the casting, even in the case of Robert Pattinson yeah sure he gets a bit emo from time and the mood swings he has even gets Bella a bit aggitated but then there's scenes where he can crack a joke and it isn't painful or when he introduces Bella to his family he kinda gives this look of, okaaaay I'm gonna get Bella away from you weirdos because you're embarassing a little bit. Even though we have ever so slight warning signs like how he really likes watching Bella sleep. Mhm. He's fine. He's fine. It's fine. He's fine. This is fine. He's fine. There's no issues here. It's fine! But anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I may or may not have a crush on Alice played by Ashley Greene. Oh God, I've said too much. I may have gone too far in a few places. But uh, yeah, moving on. The rest of the Cullen family is nice, granted they don't have much to do but good actors regardless and they totally got Bella's back when shit goes down, so hey that's family for you. The vampire who takes a very unpleasant interest in Bella, James I'm not gonna lie is actually really friggin' creepy. Good job to Cam Gigandet, dude you did good. I would not feel safe just standing near this guy, so major props to the acting. Oh and the best actor to grace every movie, Billy Burke! My man. He's a joy to watch, he plays Bella's dad Charlie and though he has to put up with a lot in this series he's still kinda the best part of the movies. But my sweet Anna Kendrick nooooo!! Get out, there's still time, you are too good an actress for this series! You can do more than dumb valley girl, you were in Up In The Air! So that's kinda sad but it's nice to see her anyway. What else? The soundtrack is decent, actual score is a bit lackluster but the pop tracks aren't all terrible and it got Paramore more attention, by the way you should totally check out their albums they may be my favorite band and I am not apologizing for that. Ummmm, I think that's it. So it's not an abomination or blight upon cinematic history, it's an okay movie. It certainly could have been done better, like really from the hospital scene onwards I really started to hate Bella which frightens me more than anything that I'm gonna have to watch New Moon tomorrow. Oh Jesus, someone pray for me.

No It Wasn't An April Fools Joke

Okay so, I wanted to do an April Fool's joke by reviewing Twilight and proclaim it was the greatest love story ever told, the film has countless nuances, and anyone who doesn't like it is a misogynistic asshat who will never find love. And I...couldn't do it. I could not convince myself to say good things, even in jest of Twilight. So I will just have to review all godforsaken 5 of the Twilight films one day, a very very very very long time from now and not screw around with it. I can only say four good things about all of the Twilight movies, and I just could not bring myself to joke about such a horrible movie. I'm sorry. But we got a trilogy of movies to do tomorrow that are good so I can get my mind off of the rubbish and go to my happy place. So I will see you then in the final frontier.