Eclipse

Yep I was right! I hate being right about bad movies!!

Nothing happens in this movie. A conflict is resolved that has no major standing or satisfying conclusion and the movie ends where it practically began. That is not good storytelling! How do you do that? How do you have a movie about a small underground vampire army led by loose end Victoria from movie number 1 waging war on the Cullens, forcing them to team up with the wolves and take them out, and make it the most boring shit and completely irrelevant story I have ever seen in my life? Two major developments happen in this movie, Edward asks Bella to marry him after what, 3 years at best of dating(?) and the redhead gets out of the picture and both takes over an hour and a half to complete. So what you might ask happens in the intervening hour and a half? Not much! We still get brief glimmers of good characters and moments but we still revert to melodrama bullshit that would be laughed off the Lifetime channel. We get a tiny bit more lore about the werewolves which is infinitely interesting and could be it's own movie, I genuinely like how there is this great sense of family and loyalty within the pack which I liked. Further backstory is given to a few of the Cullens, both of which is interesting and even a bit enlightening almost as if the writer said, oh yeah we have other characters of this family and we don't know much about them so let's give them some story. And it's good stuff! It's original, and fascinating, and even a bit emotional stuff that we desperately needed more of in this series. I refuse to call it a saga, I will not insult your intelligence like that or my own. There's actually some hilarious dialogue from our three main leads, yet again showing how the dialogue could be more dynamic and fun, but it's so few in such a long movie. I do not like these characters very much, Bella is harboring on sociopathic and completely refuses to listen to EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER telling her that her decisions could and will have consequences and that maybe she should sleep on the whole vampire thing. But no. As stubborn as a bull. And the fact she has the...ovaries to just make out with Jacob not 20 feet away from her future husband that I'm pretty sure every woman in the theater watching that scene had their hands down their pants, but whatever. Class act as ever Bella!! Edward is surprisingly okay even though he gets catty with Jacob every two seconds, but I like the talk they have near the end and just kinda hash things out and are kind of okay with one another, that was a nice change of pace, they don't duke it out they just talk. But Jacob, ooh boy, Jacob gets a little creepy. I'm talking obsessed, stalker, kinda rape-y creepy, it may not be for that long but Jesus fish it still happened and it's...off putting shall we say. It just has issues that could be fixed and salvaged and to add insult to injury there is always a few good things in each movie, whether they be cute little moments like the fact Charlie and Alice chit chat for awhile and they seem to get along really well. Like can I just get a movie where we see the day to day stuff of everybody besides our love triangle? I would pay to see a movie where Charlie pals around with his friends, goes to bars, fishes and hunts, and just get a little slice of his life. Or you know, getting a collage of all the Cullen's backstories and major defining moments of their lives. There is so many little gems of just good moments, and writing, and characters it boggles my mind how we end up with this. You tied up a loose end and set up a wedding. Yippee. And you know what? Stephanie Meyer ended the series with this. No seriously, this was how it was supposed to end, but people clearly did not like it just sort of ending more abruptly than The Sopranos so they wanted a real ending. Well sometimes you better be careful of what you wish for, cause now I have not one but two movies to review, and I don't want to ffff***ing watch them!! Cause we couldn't wrap it up in one movie, we had to rip off Harry Potter and do the last story in two parts! I'm gonna break something, I am so frustrated, this is gonna degrade fast into an hours long rant I need to stop.

Home stretch people, we'll see if I make it.

Godzilla: The Planet Eater

You done ****ed it up Netflix!

To squander an opportunity like this, a Godzilla trilogy made by Toho itself, and make it this boring, heavily and needlessly religious, unsatisfying, and so fundamentally not a Godzilla movie is beyond me. It honestly feels like if a Godzilla movie was mixed with The Matrix but focused 90% on the philosophy of a religion that we have no standing in. This is the entire trilogies fatal flaw. Worldbuilding is hard, creating new original religions is even harder, in fact I can't think of a singular religious organization in any movie that actually worked. So why focus so much on it in a Godzilla movie of all things? Now sure philisophical and even religious aspects have been brought to the series multiple times but it wasn't the overall theme or focus. It's just a severe case of misguided priorities. It seriously drags a promising and interesting movie to an absolute slog. I really, really did not want to review this movie after the second one. It's not an interesting movie in the slightest bit, it's the same old thing every time which is funny because a lot of people would say the Godzilla series is much of the same thing. Evil aliens, less than interesting human characters, ineffective military, and monster battles that border on ridiculously awesome. But you know what the difference is between that and this? IT DIDN'T SUCK!! It was fun, sometimes cheesy and boring, but great fun with sometimes very emotional and thoughtprovoking moments. In this I'm just counting down the minutes until it's over and try not to blow my brains out from the incessant religious talk. Now I have nothing against religion, regardless of what it is, Christianity, Judaism, Scientology, even flippin' Satanism I get. It's nice to have your core set of beliefs as the basis for something bigger than yourself, faith is something important in everybody's life whether it's a symbol, a memory, or even something as simple as a friend. This is padding. And shock of all shocks! They waste the potential of not only Mothra but King Ghidora who is without a doubt Godzilla's true nemesis. Mothra isn't seen beyond a silhouette, and Ghidorah is literally 3 infinitely long necks that spawn from a black hole that does nothing but bite Godzilla and slowly sap his energy for 20 odd minutes. No wings, no twin tails, no gravity beams, no nothing. I'm having such a crisis here because if Toho did everything, the writing, animation, and overall story I'm gonna need a long break from them. Because Netflix has had the absolute shittiest track run with bringing japanese media to their service, I mean they royally screw every series they get their hands on from Death Note to possibly this. This seems like some asshat american writing. This cannot be Toho. It's impossible. They can't have wrote this bullshit. And if they did, ohhh God please no! It's terrible, do not ever watch this series, Godzilla fan or not. This could potentially be the second raping of a beloved character by american hands. And I honestly do not want to know who was behind the story. Let me live a lie if it means my trust and love in Toho will not be tarnished. I can't guys. Next week, maybe. 2019 is going to kill me.

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Oh, Javier Bardem you deserved so much better.














Wow, this movie was underwhelming! I mean damn. I thought On Stranger Tides was worthless! This is a new level. Nothing happens in this movie. At all. Jack has even less standing in this adventure than the last movie which is somehow possible. So basically evil undead pirates have a score to settle with Jack, forcing Will and Elizabeth's son to do something about it that has nothing to do with Jack. Plot done, now onto the stupid. You heard right, Will and Elizabeth (Who are in the movie for maybe 4 minutes.) have a kid, who wants to free his dad from the Dutchman so he seeks Jack's help to....are you ready for this? Find the Trident of the sea god Poseidon. Pills...need pills now. And you know what the worst part is? This movie shouldn't exist. Do not fall for that bait and switch trailer where it treats it like the final Pirates movie, people will die, nothing will be the same anymore, Jack will no longer be alive. Bullshit!! Nothing happens in the movie, and Jack is alive and well at the end. This is the worst possible movie for one reason: there is nothing to talk about. With good movies, you praise them and love talking about them. With bad movies, you bitch at it but it is kinda cathartic and fun, you get to bash a movie and even provide constructive criticism. But with movies like this? There is no material to talk about. So why am I writing this review? Well that's where you are wrong, this is not a review. It is a warning. Do not watch this movie! Spend 2 hours of your time doing something better. You are better than I solely because you have not viewed this massive pile of nothing. I'm done. Goodnight.