Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

I think there's a reason I haven't watched this since 2005.

I mean, it's not bad. It really isn't, it just didn't do anything for me. Now I watched it a fair bit when I was like 10, though I speak from experience when I say not to watch it when you're sick and you got a fever and your brain feels all mixed and scrambled, but it's good to compare notes on with the Gene Wilder film. Same basic story with a few alterations, imaginings, and some delvings in Wonka's past to make it indeed a film of it's own and not a straight up remake. I feel Tim Burton is a rock solid choice for the film because you know he's a visual director with a distinct style and can give such a wild and weird look once you're in the factory and I feel he somewhat delivers but I also feel it's one of his more "normal" looking films like Edward Scissorhands. Johnny Depp I love you man, you are a very talented performer, and I ain't got a clue why you're here. Not that it's bad writing or a poor performance, I think I fully understand the angle they were working, it's a reclusive guy who's headspace is still very much childlike and immature with a dose of parental trauma I understand that part, but it ain't fully realized. He's just kinda out there, spacey, awkward, very much in his little world, and for lack of a better term alien. There was one moment where I feel he got it, captured a spark of Gene Wilder, when he was trying to unlock the gate so Veruca could be saved, that was rich! Charlie ain't much better, unbelievably categorized in that nice kid mold with barely a lick of personality though I'm happy Freddie kept acting and has gotten good stuff since. The kids are a bit meaner which I rather like cause that's incredibly believable for children, and they still are as one dimensional as the characters in the 70s version so that's a small improvement. Major props to Deep Roy who had to play every single Oompa Loompa on camera, that is commitment and he got paid accordingly as well for all his work. I'm rather split on the musical cues because it's not a musical per se as the previous film, we only get the what I like to call the comeuppnace songs after each kid gets bumped off, it's a neat touch that each song focuses on a decade of music from the 50s to the 80s (not in that particular order) but the songs are kinda ehhh. I rather enjoy Danny Elfman's music, both in cinema and in his band Oingo Boingo, but this is his lowest for me on the ranking of his film scores. It's not all negatives of course, but hey man people have their preferences. The movie did a decent job getting a few really good laughs out of me, the set design goes from mundane to beautifully realized, any screen time with Christopher Lee is a win, the kid actors were good with the material they had, to hear Geoffrey Holden as the narrator was a real treat for me, and I even appreciated the House Of Wax nod that Tim slipped in there. It's okay, I can take it or leave it, but who says it can't work for someone? As for the upcoming Wonka...oh my God I am so perplexed as to how this will go. It seems to be appropriately out there just in the overall movie landscape of 2023. Full blown musical dance numbers and all, the tone feels light and leaning towards über cutesy to where you could get the diabeetus from watching it, it is unashamedly different in it's style and tone, all I'm hoping for is a good movie but I have a sneaking suspicion it'll be the bridgehead of quality between Charlie and Willy Wonka. Final scores, 2.5 stars, 5.5/10, and here's hoping for Friday.

Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Ah, maybe the universe was telling me not to go through with it.

No joke, my DVD of this movie was glitched to shit so I had to buy it (again) just to get this review done. And while I can't say Once Upon A Time In Mexico is a bad movie, I can however say it is the weakest of The Mexico Trilogy and also the weakest of the Once Upon A Time In movies I've seen. But why that is is simultaneously very easy to describe and yet difficult to describe. The plot actually was a bit hard keeping up with, it starts off innocently enough with another bar shootout with our Mariachi and his lovely lady wife Carolina but it quickly shifts tracks and narrowly misses careening off a cliff. Our main lead is roped into a very complicated ploy to have the presidente of Culiacan assasinated by cartel members, and you know there's a lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what have yous, and while I can appreciate Robert Rodriguez going bigger with the plot I feel it was a bit too much. There are so many characters, strands, and connections to juggle, now that might have been just me and my day being difficult but I was lagging like Quicktime in the 90s man. And with a cast like this, they have quite a few talented good actors in this and yet shockingly give them so little to do yet take up I honestly believe more screen time than Mariachi himself is mindboggingly impossible. Cause you see this cast, Eva Mendes, Johnny Depp, Willem Dafoe, Mickey Rourke, and you think man this is gonna be good. Naw. Eva gets maybe 5 brief scenes, Willem Dafoe is for some reason a mexican cartel leader and I'm not saying he can't do it but it is kinda weird. You thought Charlton Heston playing a mexican was bad casting, that's like if they got me to be a character born and raised in Brazil or Ecuador, just doesn't fit. Mickey Rourke has even less to do than Eva, but I have to admit Johnny gets a good bit of screen time and made me laugh the most. But this just doesn't seem like a movie meant to be a continuation of Desperado, it seems more Sicario directed by Robert Rodriguez with special guest star Antonio Banderas. You follow me? It's just off ever so slightly in terms of story. But does that necessarily mean the other aspects are lessened? Not at all, it still feels like a film directed by the same guy and an aspect I really really liked is you can tell he was like, oh this movie Desperado is going to have elements of El Mariachi but have more done with it and the same goes for this movie, taking elements of Desperado and doing more with it, upping the ante. The action is a bit sparse but done really well with flourishes seen in previous movies, the music is still solid, the sets and locations couldn't be mistaken for anything but Mexico, it has good bits of humor, the story is jumbled but when it focuses on Antonio it is good stuff, I think it just needed some more time to cook. I'm not disappointed, I don't hate it, I can see elements and appreciate them, it's a totally decent flick albeit a less than fitting end. I give it 2.5 stars, 6.5/10. I think I appreciate and dig El Mariachi the most, but I can concede Desparado is the objectively better film, so I can walk away still happy I got to finally see these movies and talk about them a bit. Next week, Jordan Peele visits again and it's looking to be a short but potentially sweet week.

In Retrospect: The Crimes Of Grindlewald

Well I kinda remember why I haven't seen this since opening day.

I wasn't super keen on it the first time around so has the passage of time lessened the impact of a less than favored sequel? Well I must admit there were more things I appreciated and very much liked on second viewing, and then there were things I was just like, well you could have left that out and just not did that. I've heard more than a fair share of bad mouthing over the years on this movie so I'll try to no let that lead me into tangents. I feel the story was mostly okay until 3/4 of the way through then it dropped significantly, and it's rather difficult to talk about it and not break it entirely down scene by scene. We don't have that much time or space to write that much. So I'll just say, I am okay with Newt still being a strong player in magical events despite his less than action hero status, and if the filmmakers are taking a more long way round version of the hero's journey where we fully see Newt become a capable and important wizard throughout the series then I have no problem with that. I like we get Jacob back quite a bit, he was a fun and happy character that brought the first film some levity so I don't mind he comes back even if he was drugged against his will by the person he loves. Just...we'll get back to that. Great seeing Zoe again, I got more out of Leta's story and the flashback sequences were some of my favorite parts of the movie all around, she's a rebellious and damaged witch that found some solace in a friend like Newt and honestly how many Slytherin's can you name who you like as people? Jude Law is still awesome, I'm so happy we're getting more emphasis on him in the next movie, I see more of how he plays Dumbledore as a figure who wants to help but has to stay out of the action, almost a older Obi-Wan type character that we'll get in that upcoming series, he just plays it perfectly. Now on the opposite side of the acting spectrum, a lot of the side character fat could have been trimmed. It's not necessary to see the backstory of a snake turned horcrux, Credence trying to discover his family is by no means a bad story but it wasn't given enough time to feel important or impactful. I feel Ezra Miller was almost floundering for any semblance of substance to cling onto in this for his role, so I can't hold this against him. Johnny Depp isn't a bad villain in my eyes, again more underutilized and not given much to work with, no harm or foul on the actor. Alison Sudol as Queenie however, they did you dirty my love! You took a queen, a marvel to behold, one of the most lovable and charming characters in this series, and you assassinated her before my very eyes. She kidnaps Jacob, force feeds a love potion to him even though he loved her already, is off her rocker for no good godforsaken reason, and then just joins the evil wizard for oh! You guessed it! No reason. Look at how they've massacred my girl. There is no justifying sloppy terrible character writing. The plot just kinda meanders about, with no solid connective tissue to link so many character's stories, and once that last fourth of the movie kicks in is when it becomes a stupid soap opera. Revelations and personal history dropped forty levels on your head without prelude or intrigue, contrivance after contrivance, and a villain speech that strains the human mind's capacity for logic. I mean if Rowling did a good and admirable job writing the first movie and not making it an overcomplicated or stupid story, but then failed miserably here I'm just wondering what occured. And I think I can narrow it down to, she writes books. Not screenplays. If she wrote a 400+ page book and titled it The Crimes Of Grindlewald and could flesh everything out to her heart's content, I think we wouldn't have a problem. But she needs to write a script for a movie roughly two and a half hours long, so the disadvantages of her writing become more noticeable. Now if she relegates the actual script to a screenwriter and she just throws out ideas and works with them, we should be in safe hands here for however many we have left. It's a mixed bag of a movie and people can either like it or despise it, but me personally I find it complicated but average at best. 2 stars, 5.5/10, and I ask the ancient mystics and magi for a small bit of magic for the next movie. Until then.

Public Enemies

Yeah I don't think there's such a thing as a bad Michael Mann film centered around bank robberies.

It's been a minute since I've seen this movie. I did see it in theaters when I was 14 and even owned it on video but it's been awhile since I sat down and watched it again. It's as good as I remember it, a very non-romanticized account of notorious bank robber John Dillinger being pursued by the still forming FBI and it's G-men. I can't remember exactly what drew me to see the movie back then, both me and my mom were big Johnny Depp fans and the advertising media looked pretty good, and I don't hear anybody talk about it nowadays. It's pretty good though, if you're familiar with Michael Mann's work then no doubt you'll want to see it, and it does have some fine star power. Basically if you loved Heat then you should check this movie out, it kind of has some similar concepts here and there and the action scenes are shot really well. I do have to give big credit to the production team, it really does look and feel like 1930s America with the fashion, cars, and events, it just looks absolutely great. There's a lot of handheld footage in this movie even outside of shootouts, but it's not at all shaky cam and the director obviously knew how to get his shots, so the gunplay is damn good. The movie also does a fine job of getting you to sympathize with the criminal, Johnny Depp really brings his charm and affability to the role and while he robs banks and does shoot down cops, you do want to see him reach his goal of retirement with his girlfriend. I bought the chemistry between Johnny and Marion Cotillard, and it services the story's enjoyment but it's nothing too grand to write home about. It is pretty interesting to also see her and Christian Bale in scenes together about 3 years before The Dark Knight Rises and he does great work, with the film splitting almost entirely in half between these two guy's performances. The soundtrack is mostly music of the era which is nice but the main theme for Dillinger is more recent, and while I will fully admit it's a great song and one I immediately got after seeing the film, if you really listen to the lyrics it don't got much to do with bank robbing. Though it's still a strong song with an unfortunate but all too real subject matter. All in all it was great seeing this movie again and to see it holds up quite well, it's by no means Mann's best work but it shouldn't be disregarded. There's plenty to like and actually would make a great introduction to his body of work, so I do recommend this movie. I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10, and no doubt we'll have a real banger tomorrow so I'll see you down the road.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindlewald

I know, I'm late. And I'm not too sure if I got a headache from this movie.

I have such conflicted emotions on this movie. I feel I have to make my stance clear on this matter, I am what I like to call a 'light' fan of Harry Potter. Really like the films, I have some nostalgia in play since I was 6 when the first movie hit, and me and my mom even if it was a school day went to see the new Harry Potter movies opening day. But I'm not that hardcore into it, I was more a regular fan in my youth but I still enjoy those movies today! I greatly enjoyed the first Fantastic Beasts movie, it was seeing something new yet familiar and it was interesting. I've heard some people say the movie is cluttered and busy, and yes I can safely say that the plot is nothing but heavy, involved, and busy! So much happens that it actually bogs the film down! Now some people I'm sure could look past it and still enjoy it, and there are bright spots in this bleak sky! I can honestly say Jude Law is the best part of the whole movie, but he's barely in it. To see Professor Dumbledore so young, and learning new things about him is wonderful and Jude Law pulls it off fully! Eddie Redmayne is still wonderful as Newt and still exudes some specific Time Lord traits, but it still doesn't save the film. You know what I think is the worst part of the whole movie? Not the heavy plot, or the several instances that does not pay off in the end, but the fact that I have this nudging feeling that this movie panders to Harry Potter fans. Now what do I mean by that you might ask? Of course it does, to a degree, it's a spinoff of an acclaimed and popular series! But there is more to it than that, for me. It's like the movie needs to lean back on the Harry Potter franchise because there is so little that the Fantastic Beasts characters contribute to the story, and I just had a revelation! You know how some people say the plot of Raiders Of The Lost Ark would end exactly the same way if Indiana Jones would not have gotten involved? I think that's utter rubbish to begin with, but this movie I think would end the exact same way if Newt did not appear. Nothing happens! But back to the main point, it's like the filmmakers were like, "Hey! You remember Dumbledore, and Professor McGonagall, and Hogwarts, and the LeStrange family, and the phoenix in Dumbledore's office, and the snake Nagini? Guess what! It's all in this movie because we didn't have enough original character content to fill this movie!" and it hurts the movie. I like to call this the Star Wars prequel syndrome, now I know Star Wars references itself at nauseom and that is a bit distracting but the Harry Potter world does not need this fanservice pandering, not at this level. You can reference Hogwarts or the other wizarding schools, or a older character that pops up later, but when you flat out show the sorcerer's stone.....no!! Ohh my head....I have no idea if I can recommend this. If you read this whole review and still want to see the movie, by all means do. But with this much plot jam packed in this movie, I can truthfully say this franchise will not last beyond the 3rd movie. It will be a trilogy, no more no less. It can't go on for 8 movies, because there's just not much there! By the time the first movie hit, J.K. Rowling was on what, the 4th maybe even 5th book? She had a plan for a beginning, a middle, and an end. This series does not have that! If it makes it to movie #4 I will be amazed. Alright, I'm done. Hopefully The Grinch does not suck as bad as the 2004 movie, I'll let you know tomorrow. I genuinely wish to do all the Harry Potter movies either before the end of the year or not that long into the new year. Because I need a pick me up to remind me why I looked forward to this movie.

Murder On The Orient Express

Well bollocks, turns out I did know the ending!

You ever have something either ruined or spoiled for you, and yet somehow you didn't know? Like it wasn't this buildup to a reveal, it was more or less just said in conversation and your brain didn't register it? Because all throughout Murder On The Orient Express, I was paying attention to the facts, not jumping ahead to any conclusions (though I did make several correct deductions), being calm and collected and not being spirited away by my theories and thoughts and just soaked it all in. However! In the back of my mind, that thought kept nudging. You know the one, where your brain is pretty much telling you, you already know the truth/ending/reveal. Did this hurt my enjoyment of the film? Surprisingly not, cause there were twists, and revelations that led to the big reveal that I did not know so it was this, really weird and surreal feeling where you know the ending and yet did not know the events leading up to it. Same sort of thing happened with Psycho for me. But I digress so we can actually get on with it! Murder On The Orient Express, though a classic story has been done justice in my opinion, and you know what really surprised me? This is a movie that could actually tell the story in modern time, but it chooses to stay in 1934 so visually, the film is spectacular! The fashion, sets, and setting all look wonderful. Our story follows a world renowned detective having to spontaneously board the Orient Express, where shock of all shocks, a murder takes place, the train is stuck in an avalanche, leaving the detective to solve the crime before the train can move on and the culprit can escape. Now while this is a very star studded cast, what I loved was, the characters were not one dimensional and just the actors who potrayed them. There is backstory, and important tidbits of information to almost each and every character, making them feel more real and not, oh that's just that suspicious looking guy, or it's just that mousy girl who is shy. There's more to them than that so I was very happy it wasn't just stereotype on top of stereotype. The mystery aspect is done very well, with enough twists and revelations to keep it interesting and not seem absurd with a new twist every 10 minutes. The logic of the crime solving is legitimate and there's no huge Sherlockian moments where the case is nearly completed in less than 60 seconds. Our detective is a perfectionist, very OCD, so detective work is merely an extension of his normal everyday life, he's not a super intelligent genius but he is intelligent and uses common sense and logic to solve the case and find evidence. It could have been so easy to make him an eccentric genius with a superhuman brain, but they did not and I applaud them for that. All the actors do their parts well, though Judi Dench is criminally underused, seriously how dare you? But anyway, another major positive is there is no red herrings, or fake outs with who killed our victim. Sure, you can have your suspicions but there is nothing concrete to go on. It reminds me a bit too much of Clue, downright to some scenes and instances which I can deal with, I love that movie to death so I guess one of the most underrated and cult classic of mystery films influenced this movie. But hey, I haven't read Agatha Christie's novel so maybe Murder On The Orient Express inspired Clue to a massive degree! Actually yeah, if I can go on one more brief tangent before I wrap this up, um what is the point of going to see a film adaptation of a crime or mystery novel if you have read the book? Like, you know how it ends and all the events leading up to it so why go see the movie? That never made sense, probably because it doesn't! Like what the hell is the point? Either watch the film or read the book. Granted this doesn't count with ALL books, I want to read all the Lord Of The Rings books including The Silmarillion even though I've seen the movies hundreds of times. So this gripe is only with murder mystery novels. Man, I really went off this time didn't I? It's rare I get this many tangents and ravings on my reviews so I'm sorry about that! Uh, to close the file on this one, if you legit do not know the ending go see the movie! This movie felt really concise and quick for a two hour movie, so I say go for it! But if you do know the ending, or read the book, or just don't care that much, pass it.

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Oh, Javier Bardem you deserved so much better.














Wow, this movie was underwhelming! I mean damn. I thought On Stranger Tides was worthless! This is a new level. Nothing happens in this movie. At all. Jack has even less standing in this adventure than the last movie which is somehow possible. So basically evil undead pirates have a score to settle with Jack, forcing Will and Elizabeth's son to do something about it that has nothing to do with Jack. Plot done, now onto the stupid. You heard right, Will and Elizabeth (Who are in the movie for maybe 4 minutes.) have a kid, who wants to free his dad from the Dutchman so he seeks Jack's help to....are you ready for this? Find the Trident of the sea god Poseidon. Pills...need pills now. And you know what the worst part is? This movie shouldn't exist. Do not fall for that bait and switch trailer where it treats it like the final Pirates movie, people will die, nothing will be the same anymore, Jack will no longer be alive. Bullshit!! Nothing happens in the movie, and Jack is alive and well at the end. This is the worst possible movie for one reason: there is nothing to talk about. With good movies, you praise them and love talking about them. With bad movies, you bitch at it but it is kinda cathartic and fun, you get to bash a movie and even provide constructive criticism. But with movies like this? There is no material to talk about. So why am I writing this review? Well that's where you are wrong, this is not a review. It is a warning. Do not watch this movie! Spend 2 hours of your time doing something better. You are better than I solely because you have not viewed this massive pile of nothing. I'm done. Goodnight.

Pirates Of The Carribean: On Stranger Tides

Okay, and here we go.....

What happened to pirates getting treasure? Is that too bland for audiences? Oh no, we got to have Jack look for the friggin' Fountain Of Youth, and yes I know it was teased at the end of well...At World's End but still! Okay, one step at a time. This movie is not terrible but boy howdy if you've stuck around this long you've kinda gotten use to this. So Jack is pretty much racing towards the Fountain, with Barbossa, and even Captain Blackbeard on his trail, all fighting for eternal youth. But wait, there's more! You can't just grab a cup and dip it in the fountain, kinda like in The Last Crusade, oh no. You have to (And pay attention there will be a test later.) get two silver goblets, very specific silver goblets created by Ponce de Leon, you have to capture a mermaid, collect said mermaid's tears because they spoil (God give me strength....), use said goblets to reveal the location of the Fountain, fill the goblets with water from the Fountain, then put the tear in ONE goblet, and play the "You must choose, but choose wisely." game in order to finally obtain eternal youth. Ugh!! This whole ceremony is hucking forrible, who's convoluted idea was this? Oh God, but anyway. Cast is fine, Penelope Cruz is boring to say the least, and while Ian McShane when I heard he was going to be Blackbeard I thought that would be awesome! He and Barbossa are the only saving graces in this movie, and quite frankly the only reason to watch the movie. Not much else, not even Jack can help this movie. Why is he in this movie? He doesn't do anything. He doesn't even really feel like he's looking for the Fountain by his own accord, the british government forces him to do it. That's a great protagonist right? Where he has no interest or real goal in the plot, at all? Top notch. I really didn't want to write this review, this is the movie I dreaded the most, not At World's End but this movie. I can remember several scenes from all the movies almost from beginning to end, almost a loose retelling of the whole movie. Not in this movie! Let's count, I remember the whole London escape scene, when Barbossa and Jack get the silver goblets and are captured, the waterfall scene, and the big fight at the end. And the Queen Anne, Blackbeard's ship which does precisely dick in this movie! Great job guys, no ship battle with a legit enchanted magical ship? I applaud your impotence. So let's see that's.......4 SCENES!!! That's got to be some kind of a record for me! I remember almost TOO many things from movies! It comprises 70% of my brain, roughly. But nope, can't remember much from this movie. Just don't watch it. The only reason you should watch any movie between the first movie and this one, is because plot elements come up in the new movie. And even then, you probably don't have to watch the second or third movie! So watch the first, tomorrow I'm seeing Dead Men Tell No Tales, and it better be good!

Pirates Of The Carribean: At World's End

This was a long ass movie.

Just because you're the third part of a movie franchise does not mean you get a Lord Of The Rings run time. This movie goes on for 3 hours, and I can recap the plot in about 2 minutes. So it's all out war now between the pirate lords of the seven seas, and the british navy, and the Flying Dutchman with our usual cast of pirates smack dab in the middle. Bam, done! An easy story to tell, and it's done quite well. Although, the whole movie is about 2 hours of buildup to the final ship battle, 20 minutes of good action, and 10 minutes of resolution. But, the 2 hours is fine. Kinda. It starts off pretty damn grim though, if I put this opening scene on you would seriously not guess it to be Pirates Of The Carribean. More like Schindler's List mixed with Les Miserables. Yeah. But the movie is fine after that, it has a great size and scale to it, really giving the impression that this is the big finale to the story of the past 2 movies. And it....kinda delivers. Revelations are told, battles commence, people die. You know what, screw it the opening is just the beginning of this movie's darkness. I mean you see people get shot dead square between the eyes, have spikes shoved through people's skulls, the epitomy of a skull f*** if I have ever seen one, and several impalements. Guys, are you dead sucking ferious? This is supposed to be a movie for you know, kids, families, not really adults. You just had to get that PG-13 rating didn't you? Christ. I don't hate this movie, but I got problems with it. A lot of people do, people really did not like this movie. I can kinda see why. My main gripe though is it should have been the end. That should tell you something about the next movie, eh? Everyone's story comes to an end, it should have just ended with Will and Elizabeth together, Barbossa having his crew and ship back, and Jack wandering off to go on more marvellous misadventures. But no! Tune in tomorrow for Jack Sparrow to find the Fountain Of Youth!! I swear it's true! Oh boy, here we go....

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

Sequel time!

Okay second film in the Pirates series, which I actually quite like even though it was quite literally written as it was being filmed. Oops. But anywho, story time! Jack has a debt to pay to the infamous Davy Jones, and in order to get out of it Jack as well as several other parties search for the eponymous dead man's chest. Not as hard to describe the plot as the last movie is it? Plot's pretty straightforward all things considered. Acting is still just as fine as ever, although Bill Nighy is quite engaging as the captain of The Flying Dutchman, in fact Davy Jones is my favorite part of the movie. His character beyond superstitous talk and legend of him and what power he wields in the seas, is actually a mystery. And I love the design of him and his crew, cursed men which have morphed with various sea life, for example a man has a normal body but has the head of a hammerhead shark, Davy Jones is a man with tentacles for a beard and a crab leg and arm attached to a human body. Sounds pretty great and it looks outstanding too. Surprisingly there's not much action wise, but when you look back at the first movie we had, a town raided, a ship chase, and the final fight between Jack and Barbossa. In this movie we have this very bizzare escape from an island filled with cannibals (Don't look at me, I didn't write it!), two attacks by the Kraken, one long ass swordfight which I have no doubt goes on for about 15 or 20 minutes which is the only swordfight by the way, and a brief ship chase. Yeah....not quite the action masterpieces our memories had of these movies. But action isn't everything if the story is good, and we like the characters. The story isn't that great, but I still like it just for the villain. Jack and company are still fun to be around so I can't say the film has truly flopped. But tomorrow, we talk about the film most people consider to be the absolute worst and I have not seen that movie for years so it will be interesting to say the least. So tune in tomorrow where we meet our cast At World's End.

Pirates Of The Carribean: Curse Of The Black Pearl

We're devils and black sheep, we're really bad eggs.....

A whole week of Pirates, huzzah! First movie that kicked off the franchise way back in 2003. Crazy it's been that long huh? Hell of a movie to kick things off! The story is....quite complicated for the first movie. I find it difficult to compress this film into a synopsis, I'd almost have to tell it step by step but that would ruin the movie. So let's attempt to recap here, so the movie follows three main characters, Captain Jack Sparrow a pirate, Will Turner a blacksmith, and Elizabeth Swan the daughter of a governor who pretty much gets kidnapped by pirates and Jack and Will set off to save her. There's a hell of a lot more to it than that so don't let this review fool you. Now to the cast, I can sum it up in one word. Awesome! Johnny Depp is awesome as a pirate, Orlando Bloom does okay though I prefer him more as an elf in Middle Earth, Keira Knightley is really no nonsense in this movie which I enjoy, but...I think Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa steals the show. He is so wickedly amazing and devilishly cool, he really seals this movie as a damn good movie in my eyes! The action is terrific, with well choreographed sword fights and ship battles. The sets are incredibly well done, it is a period piece obviously, I'm guessing late 1600s or early 1700s, either way the film looks great in terms of costumes and set design. The music which was composed by Hans Zimmer is fun, that's the best way I can describe it! It has mystery and intrigue, all out swashbuckling action, and even comedy! However, there is certain flaws with this movie. One, Commodore Norrington is planning on marrying Elizabeth. Fine! No problem, if he you know, didn't age I mean, at all,  and he looked about 27 when she was maybe 10. Eww. Seriously, dude didn't age a day in about what, 15 years? Bugs me. Two, how did Will get the medallion? In fact, why and how was his shipped attacked when he was a small boy? If Barbossa was looking for the medallion, how did he know it was on that ship and/or not find Will? Third, boy that ceremony seemed complex. Not as complex as the whole mermaid thing in the fourth movie, but one step at a time here. All in all, it's a fun movie, it's highly enjoyable, a popcorn movie if there was one, and I give it two thumbs up!

Tomorrow, Jack meets the devil of the seven seas himself....

Black Mass

Well for a film about a public criminal I never heard of once, it certainly grabbed my attention.

Black Mass is more or less of a bio film about Jimmy "Whitey" Bulger, infamous Boston crime boss spanning several years of his criminal career as an informant for the FBI and the subsequent events in the years to follow. Now in terms of a crime movie, it is exceptionally well done with a good and accurate script, pretty great camera work, and an unapologetic approach to his crimes. As a biography in a sense, I think it worked very well, like I said I did not ever hear of this man so I was in the movie totally blind and yet could get a good feel of who this guy was, what he did, and why he did it so it's not like you need prior knowledge to view this movie. The real, true, without a shadow of a doubt star of the movie is Johnny Depp and I'll be damned if I said he didn't do a great job. He is truly terrifying in this role, to the point where you kinda forget it's Johnny Depp, and it just proves he can still act in very dark, very serious roles, and I can't wait to see the next movie he will star in. I would definitely say to go rent this movie, if you enjoy crime movies or biographies of criminals seriously check this out and also check out Public Enemies, it's a terrific movie about John Dillinger also starring Johnny Depp and directed by Michael Mann who you may know directed Heat, one of the best crime movies you ever would see in your life. Well that's pretty much it today, interesting side note though, Benedict Cumberbatch is in this movie which blew my mind because I didn't hear precisely anything about him being in the movie, it was always Johnny so it was a great surprise. Which just makes me want to revisit some particular work that made him world famous, wink wink nudge nudge, next week of reviews. So stay tuned for that.

Alice Through The Looking Glass

I quite enjoyed this movie. But I must admit I have not read the books in so long, I know it's an adaptation so it differs from the book but for the life of me I can't remember much about Through The Looking Glass, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland I remember much of but the sequel which already most people are not aware of I can't remember hardly a thing. Well now after the longest opening I have ever written, let's continue.

You should see how many notes I've written down, like seriously I have much to discuss in this movie. First thing, the movie takes place a few years after the first with Alice now currently being a ship captain. I am really not kidding about that. She captains a ship, uniform and all, she looks like she just raided Commodore Norrington's uniform from Pirates Of The Carribean and commandered a ship. Ridiculous yes, but pretty awesome. After she returns home she is invited to a party, not unlike that other party in the first one, as she is called to a mirror and is compelled to walk on the other side. Wonderland is here, Ms. Alice. She soon reunites with all her old friends from the first movie and it is a joy to see them again, same actors and all. But all is not well, Hatter is seriously disturbed after reliving the memory of losing his family and asks Alice for help. Side note, Johnny is much more better in this movie. You think he's just going to be weird Johnny Depp in this movie but far from it, there is a lot of sadness in his character and this movie gives great depth to the character through that, accentuated even further by his undying friendship with Alice, it is just so lovely. Alice then pays a visit to Time, played by Sacha Baron Cohen and I know, I know, you think he would be really annoying and miscast in this role but really, he does a very good job. Time himself is not a villain by any means, he's just a man performing his task of keeping time in line, if anything you could argue Alice is the villain in this movie. She steals a device called the chronosphere which keeps all time in balance in Wonderland to try and save Hatter's family. That's the basic plot, but there is much more to discuss. The chronosphere is a time machine but is modeled very much like H.G. Wells' Time Machine and travels across the Sea of Time, which I actually do remember is a part of the book and the Sea is amazing in design. Actually speaking of design, the film is gorgous with warm colors and lovely set design in Wonderland mixed beautifully with Time's palace which is shrouded in darkness with a gothic design, mechanical and cold like a clock itself. Surprisingly the film is not directed by Tim Burton, but produced by him, is it for better or for worse? I leave that up to you, but I really enjoyed the movie as is. Another excellent aspect is it builds upon the world seen in the first movie, you see many more locations and people that you never saw in the first movie, and that is awesome to me! Since the film deals with time travel, it's a bit difficult to not have Doctor Who elements pop into my brain, just how it all plays out works, and the quite frankly lovely message about time near the end is just the cherry on top. Oh my God, and it has the greatest cameo...ever!! I flipped my lid when I saw that friggin' Jim Moriarty from the BBC Sherlock series is the head of a mental institute. I mean is that not perfect casting or what? If you've seen Sherlock you are laughing your ass off right now, and rightfully so. Compared to the first movie, I'd say I enjoy the first more but without a doubt I will buy this movie. I'd love to add it to my collection, and hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did.

And tomorrow to cap off the week, we will time travel ourselves back to 1966 where we will visit two crusaders against crime....

Corpse Bride

Think of this as a preview to when I come back....

Corpse Bride is a lovely movie, one of Tim Burton's finest in the field of his animated works. The story follows a young man named Victor who is set to marry a girl named Victoria, but through a serious misunderstanding and pure accident he marries a corpse. Yes, a children's movie with serious necrophilic undertones that is still charming and quite lovely. Go figure. The first thing I gotta say is the animation is excellent, with gothic and german expressionist buildings, great use of color, and wonderful cinematography. It does have a few songs, and they are all good but my favorite song in the movie has no singing in it, it's a simple piano duet but it's just awesome. A clever aspect of the film you will notice very quickly is the use of color. In the land of the living it's almost monochrome in color with shades of blue, while the land of the dead is colorful with vibrant greens, and pinks, and violets. It's mixed very well and states that the land of the living well...sucks. It's drab, it's boring, and colorless but the underworld rocks it's like a party everyday down there, with lots of fun and interesting characters! Character wise it does good, it's not perfect but you can tell they tried, with almost everybody's favorite character being the titular corpse bride, Emily. She's just a sweet, caring, lovely girl, and has a good sense of humor. Obviously she has the most character development and personality in the entire movie, you really latch onto her quick and care about her situation all throughout the movie. And...she deserves to be with Victor! I don't hate Victoria, I really don't! She's a nice, normal girl, I have nothing against her but Emily and Victor just make a better couple. They're a good couple together! You wouldn't think so but you enjoy their relationship and want them to go the distance. Now for the other characters there's not much to say, but there are three in there that are my favorites, we got Michael Gough as an all wise skeleton and how could you go wrong with that? Michael Gough is awesome. Then we have Christopher Lee as a priest, it's a short role but he still commands such a presence. And last but not least is a maggot who sounds like Peter Lorre. I'm not on drugs or anything, that exists in the movie. This has always been an enjoyable movie for me because of how much charm and lovely things are in there, plus it has some great dark humor I mean I laugh my ass off at parts, it's kind of hard not to. All together, it's a lovely little movie well worth a look if you have the time.

Well that's it for today. Tune in tomorrow for a different and unexpected damn good movie.

The Rum Diary

Okay I lied, it's not a sequel it's a prequel.

The Rum Diary is set in 1960 long before the real Hunter S. Thompson started his own type of journalism, what he called Gonzo journalism. So the potrayal of him in this movie is less drug orientated, more subdued, and pretty much just another reporter (albeit with a love for liquor.). The film still stars Johnny Depp as the man himself and still does great justice to the role. True it's not as fun or as insane as Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, but don't let it turn you down. The movie isn't horrible, but it's not great either. The story is basic, with another of Hunter's psuedonyms named Paul Kemp in this movie, as he travels to Puerto Rico looking for more frequent work. In the process he meets a beautiful woman who he falls for, and is soon faced with a decision: does he continue writing almost sheer propaganda about Puerto Rico, or take a stand and bring down the monopolizing douchebags? Well if you know anything about our friend Mr. Thompson, he is not the kind to go quietly into the night. The film was made six years after Thompson's death and is actually in memory of him, and I have to say they did not screw around with the preliminary story. They got everything down right straight down to the ending. So I must highly commend them for not really taking any liberties with this particular chapter of this man's life. It's a good movie, not great but can still be enjoyed for it's merits. But if I would make a suggestion, watch this movie first. You got polar opposites with these two movies about Thompson's life, and really after watching the hilarious insanity of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, it's kind of hard to watch this movie. Although there is one drug scene and it is pretty funny, the movie deals more with what Paul Kemp is going through, rather than what he is going through in hallucinatory fashion. Final sum up, good movie, watch this one first, and last but not least buy the ticket and take the ride.

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

Who needs drugs when you have a movie like this?

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas is a brilliant film, based off of the book by the same name written by Hunter S. Thompson, starring Johnny Depp in his slow rise to popularity and Benicio Del Toro. The story follows the real life story of Doctor of Journalism Hunter S. Thompson, named Raoul Duke in this movie, as he is sent to Las Vegas to write on a sport event but soon spirals into a drug riddled analysis of the 60s counterculture and the american dream. The very feel and nature of this movie does make you think, "Jesus what the hell did I take before this movie?". It's very out there, but not to the point where you get lost in confusion. It's a trip to say the least. There's great subtle humor in the movie almost all done by Johnny Depp in probably one of my top five best performances of his, and it takes repeated viewings to get everything that's happening, both in foreground and background. The performances feel legitimate, this ain't no Reefer Madness kind of drug acting. Actually now that I think about it the entire movie feels like a combination of uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers in terms of drugs, with higher than highs and lows of aftereffects on binging on every known drug to mankind since 1544 A.D. with laughs aplenty, and screamers full of tension. I definitely say to give this movie a chance, and see what you take from this trip of drug idled madness in the seediest city in the country.

And on tomorrow's review, it's actually almost a sequel to this movie. Still starring Johnny Depp, still based on Hunter S. Thompson, but made in 2011.

Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Not a bad way to start February.

I personally enjoy this movie. Not many people do but I liked how they did the story. The story is more or less a sequel to the original Alice In Wonderland with Alice all grown up and rediscovering the dark, psychotic Wonderland all over again. This movie is directed by Tim Burton and I am a big fan of his work and his unique style of how things look works incredibly well in Wonderland. It's dark, it's eerie, even the bright places look mysterious and deranged. It just works perfectly. The cast does a good job too, Mia Wasikowska nailed a all grown up Alice and it shows that her role has matured since she was a young girl wandering around Wonderland, Johnny Depp is a enjoyable Mad Hatter with enough weirdness to keep you guessing and can still be very funny. Everyone else does a good job in the movie, we have Helena Bonham Carter as The Red Queen, Anne Hathaway as The White Queen, Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar, and Stephen Fry as my personal favorite character the Cheshire Cat and many more fun characters to be found in this interesting retelling of Lewis Carroll's novel. I have to say I am looking forward to the sequel Through The Looking Glass, it looks much more beautifully designed and we get all our original actors back which makes me very happy to say the least. All in all, I would only reccomend this particular film if you are a fan of Alice In Wonderland, or Tim Burton. Other than that I leave that up to you. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)

Second feature film tonight, the movie that made kids afraid to go to sleep in the 1980's, Nightmare On Elm Street.

This is a true classic horror movie. And what a legacy it still has over 30 years later. The story follows a group of four friends who discover that they are being stalked and killed in their very own dreams. That is a terrifying idea to begin with, because when are you more vulnerable than when you are asleep? But the best part of the movie is Robert Englund playing Freddy Krueger. He is so damn good in this movie and absolutely scares the hell out of you. In fact all the cast is great, Heather Langenkamp is just perfect casting for Nancy, John Saxon who is a great actor to begin with brings belivability to being a father to Nancy, and even Johnny Depp before he got super famous is in this movie who is really funny and brings levity to a disturbingly scary movie. I love this movie. And you know....I still can't get over that Wes Craven died, I really can't. He was superb with directing this movie and I really wish he wasn't gone. I hope you enjoy this movie, and I would like to wish you all goodnight.

Ed Wood

One of my favorite movies of all time is also one of the best movies, not only of all time but also about making movies.



Ed Wood is one of those movies that really sticks with you for the rest of your life. It's the story of the so-called "Worst Director Of All Time", chronicling the making of three of his most famous or infamous movies. This film was directed by Tim Burton, it's shot gorgeously in black and white with a few odes to German Expressionism and a bit of Film Noir, and it has an ensemble cast leaded by Johnny Depp. This is easily one of Johnny Depp's greatest performances, playing a humble film director who has an enormous passion for movies and storytelling and his enthusiasm bleeds through the screen so much so that you get excited and happy for him when things go good for him. This film has so many stars in it. We have Martin Landau playing Bela Lugosi so perfectly that you actually forget that he's not really Bela Lugosi and he totally deserved the Academy award for "Best Supporting Actor", and if you're a big horror movie fan and Bela Lugosi fan you will not be disappointed. We have Sarah Jessica Parker as Ed Wood's girlfriend who is a bitch in this movie, she's horrible to poor Ed! But then he meets Patricia Arquette's character who is this absolute sweetheart, that Ed gets married to. Bill Murray plays Ed's best friend and he is absolutely hilarious because that's what Bill Murray does! We have a menagerie of actors who play the faithful crew of Ed Wood who are fantastic. So the entire cast is brilliantly chosen, and the entire production of this film is quite well done and is very accurate to the films Ed Wood made and how they were made behind the scenes. The music by Howard Shore is very unique and the inclusion of the "Finale" from Swan Lake almost brings tears to my eyes every time it plays. The film is very funny, but has serious emotional moments that could really get to you, and even might have a few scenes that can make you cry. It even has a scene where possibly the worst director of all time has a conversation with possibly the greatest director of all time, Orson Welles played by Vincent D'Onofrio and yet is voiced by Maurice LaMarche who also does a Orson Welles impression in Pinky and The Brain, but that's getting off topic. And the conversation they have really has a great message and words of wisdom to filmmakers for generations to come.


Ed Wood is actually my favorite movie about making movies. Yes there are very few movies that are better than Ed Wood about telling a story about how a movie is made, for example American Movie which by some is considered the greatest movie about making movies ever made but Ed Wood is my favorite. If you are a fan of movies and really like movies like American Movie, check out Ed Wood. It is a fantastic movie and just a great story about a director who was considered to be the worst but really was one of the most passionate filmmakers in history.