The Cat Returns

Well...Jesus! Alright, let's go! Potential spoilers ahead all ye who enter here.




What in the nine circles of hell have I just witnessed? This movie is so goddamn weird man, it is bonkers!! Consider me flabbergasted, I can't speak right now. Like you would think, after alllll this time, with all the weird shit I have seen in my life, this movie would be next door to a normal day but I can scarcely find the words to describe it. So bear with me here as I attempt to recap this wacked out plot. Okay, so we meet a young girl named Haru who one day after school rescues a cat from being ran over in the street (my hero, rock on), said cat then starts talking and pretty soon Haru starts recieving gifts cause turns out the cat she saved is the prince of a cat kingdom. But that's not the strange part. She later is informed of a cat bureau where she meets a giant tubby white cat named Muta, a statue that turns into a crow named Toto, and a not cat but an actual figurine of a cat with top hat and tails and a cane named Baron Humbert von Gikkiken. But that's not the strange part. Haru is then kidnapped by a herd of cats who can GO THROUGH PORTALS, and is spirited away to the cat kingdom to be wed to the prince. But that's not the strange part! It's all the shit that happens after she gets to the castle. She starts turning into a cat herself, Muta seemingly dies from overeating, several cats are hurled out of the tower window, and then a rescue is underway with the Baron leading the charge to get Haru back to the human world. I swear to Christ, it's like if you took the plot of Labyrinth, injected so much mental ass imagination straight from Japan in it's arm, threw in a Hollywood studded cast, shoved it head first into a Ninja blender, flipped that puree switch and boom. You got yourself the most batshit Studio Ghibli movie I have ever seen in my life and already their resume is pretty out there! I cannot get over it, now do not get me wrong this is like high flying entertainment on crack, I can't bitch about one single thing, but I'm still trying to catch my breath along with my ballistically spread fired braincells, to try to review it but I'm not sure I can. It's great. But logic is not in the repertoire here for a split second, you just gotta roll with it, you can't question it. Don't question it, and you'll be fine. What's odder is I know this cast very well even, but for the life of me I couldn't recognize their voices. Anne Hathaway is Haru and she is hilarious with how almost deadpan and blunt her line deliveries are, she's wonderful in this role. Friggin' Cary Elwes as the Baron, do I need to say anything else? It's Cary Elwes, that charismatic handsome bastard could have me in a sentence. Peter Boyle as Muta, could not place the voice for the life of me but my God is he great in this, giving such bravado as this tough guy cat but just kills me throughout as comic relief. It took until like 3/4 of the way through the movie for me to recognize that was Tim Curry as the Cat King, I don't know how don't ask me how, yet with that man in any role it's guaranteed gold! I was laughing uproariously at parts, to the point where I had to stop the movie just to catch my breath, my mind couldn't handle the barrage assault of comedy given at points where it was just hit after hit. I'm probably gonna get noise complaints but screw it, they can suck on coxen, this was such a ride man. Apparently this is a semi-sequel to Whispers Of The Heart also by Studio Ghibli, I had no clue about that, and if I'm not horribly mistaken this movie came out after Spirited Away so we're still on that cutting edge new millenium animation style. I thought it looked fantastic with so much intricate layers of animation on the busy streets, with such crisp bright colors, it looks outstanding. You could lie straight to my face and be like oh yeah this movie came out 4 years ago, and I'd believe you! I'm speechless and floundering for words, so I'm sorry if this review is just all over the place, you just gotta see it my bros. You just have to. I can't fathom even a rating beyond 4 stars, so let's just say a solid 8/10! I'm gonna have to take some thorazine and have a nap so I can calm down. I'll see you tomorrow for a more recent exhibit from this studio.

Ocean's 8

I'm still mulling over which I like better, Ocean's 12 or Ocean's 8.

Pretty good work ladies, I gotta say you made an alright series a bit better for me. So yeah, Ocean's 8 is a good movie and one of the best of the Ocean's series. Before we hit story, we gotta talk cast, the cast is good but some were really underused. I was actually really looking forward to some of the women but they hardly use Mindy Kaling and and Awkwafina, cause they looked like fun characters! I mean you got a con just out of prison, a liquor bootlegger, a pickpocket, a jewelry expert, a fashion designer, a stay at home mom, and a hacker. Who's the 8th member? Can't really say but I honestly felt it was tacked on but hey you can't call it Ocean's 7 (more on that later). So you got a really good cast of characters and actresses to play them, pulling a pretty interesting heist. Essentially going to the most extravagant gala to steal a $150 million diamond necklace, and they made an interesting, kinda funny, and enjoyable film! Best part of the movie hands down, Cate Blanchett. I mean you can tell everyone is enjoying themselves filming the movie, but Cate is not only enjoying herself she is owning this role in every way possible. You know what kinda sucks though? They make Anne Hathaway play this idiot movie star and I know she can do great and wonderful stuff, but I didn't hate her character though. Also, big props to the wardrobe department! Not only do these ladies look spectacular, but they somehow got Anne Hathaway in a cape that would make Spawn jealous and my God is it glorious. And you know why it is Ocean's 8? So we can have Ocean's 9 and 10. A trilogy. But any movie that plays Bach not once, but twice is clearly an excellent movie. Recommend it for a weekend viewing with friends. Until then, stay classy ladies.

The Dark Knight Rises

It's time for Knightfall.

The end is here. All those years, all his enemies, and the Bat was broken. But he came back, 8 years of nothing before Bane comes to Gotham and took the city, making it a no man's land. And the Dark Knight came out of retirement to take control of his city. Was it worthwhile? Was it a brilliant end to an iconic trilogy? Well here's the thing, answers don't give you a sense of satisfaction, sometimes you have to brace yourself for disappointment. I mean, think about it! You've seen this series since it began, the birth of the Batman, the crazy and chaotic Joker pushing him to his limits, and then bang! The ultimate fight for Gotham ensues and ends. Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come the true villain sucked ass? Well, let's start at the beginning. 8 years since the Batman has been seen, and not all is well. True, Gotham seems to be in a time of peace but Bane has different plans, severing all ties to the outside world and keeping Gotham in his pocket thanks to a four megaton nuclear bomb. He broke the bat, threw him in a pit, and is about to do what Ra's Al Ghul was always planning: destroy Gotham. And hell, that's just the brief basic synopsis. Good gravy is there a lot going on in this movie! What with Bane controlling the city, Bats coming out of retirement, Catwoman doing her own thing, and poor Jimbo scrambling to restore order, it's a miracle you remember what happened in the first movie! But specifics are key here, and really there isn't much to talk about casting and production wise, except for Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle. Great job guys! I thought she was awesome! Now I think the problem many people did not get was this is NOT a Batman story. At all. It's a Bruce Wayne story. It deals with him coming out of retirement, defending a city that hates and fears him, and just him trying to do one last good deed in his lifetime. This is important to know if you choose to see it again. Now onto the villains! Bane is damn near pitch perfect, I mean Tom Hardy friggin' nailed it. This is the comic book Bane, and for those of you who read the comics know what I am talking about, he's brilliant, super genius intellect almost, incredible strength, military backing in some cases, this guy is a true force to be reckoned with. He broke Batman's back, no one has ever hurt him like that before. This shows a capable villain who is a great character in and of himself. But then they done screwed it up! I have no qualms spoiling this, because it's absurdly obvious to the comic book fans, and means precisely nothing to those who want to just watch the movie. The whole mastermind behind all this is Talia Al Ghul, Ra's daughter. Thanks for taking away such excellent menace from Bane and just pissing me off! Seriously?? What the shit is she doing here??? There's no reason!! None! Whatsoever! The character is meaningless, she doesn't even reveal her name until about 15 minutes before the end! Are you fraking kidding me?! This movie is 2 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES LONG!!! God I hate her in this movie, now you might be saying "But Dude that's the point! You're not supposed to like her! She's the bad guy!" but that is not the point! You built up an incredible villain, faithful to the comics, with a damn fine performance, and just chucked it all in to the fraking trash! I knew her whole schtick once she babbled on about having balance or order or some bullshit in the world for the 8 millionth godforsaken time! Also, worst death ever! Oh yeah, she dies. Not in a even slightly satisfactory way! It is literally, the worst on screen death I have ever seen! I mean for Christ's sake, that was the best take you could get?? It's horrible! Oh my God! How do you do this man? Besides that....disgustingly horrible aspect, the rest of the movie is fine. When I first saw it I found it very underwhelming because I didn't want it to end, but you know, it's been 5 years, and the movie has grown on me. I like the scale of the movie, the tone of the movie, (most) of the characters in the movie, the action is very good, the drama hits hard and by the way, shame on you Bruce! You made Alfred cry! That ain't right man! It's a perfectly fine ending to The Dark Knight Trilogy, they just done fraked it up in terms of villains. In fact, just watch the How It Should Have Ended video of this movie, if you don't feel like sitting down for almost 3 HOURS! There are movies that warrant that run time, this one....not so much. I can totally get why someone would not want to sit through a movie like this for that long. But honestly when I sat down, it took about 20 minutes for me to get interested and then the rest of the movie pretty much flew right by. But then again, I am used to such run times. 3 hours is a powerful repellent to the uninitiated, but we are initiated aren't we? The ending pissed people off too, I frankly didn't mind. I mean damn, it's all gone now, we got Batfflec and all these new kickass superhero movies coming out, so get over it! Oh, and The Joker totally called it. He was right about everything. That's why we love you Heath! But anyway, I'm done. New reviews next month, you know the drill, thank you so much for reading and I need some ice cream cake now. Happy Birthday to me, The Dude reminding you that the movie reviews will never die.

Alice Through The Looking Glass

I quite enjoyed this movie. But I must admit I have not read the books in so long, I know it's an adaptation so it differs from the book but for the life of me I can't remember much about Through The Looking Glass, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland I remember much of but the sequel which already most people are not aware of I can't remember hardly a thing. Well now after the longest opening I have ever written, let's continue.

You should see how many notes I've written down, like seriously I have much to discuss in this movie. First thing, the movie takes place a few years after the first with Alice now currently being a ship captain. I am really not kidding about that. She captains a ship, uniform and all, she looks like she just raided Commodore Norrington's uniform from Pirates Of The Carribean and commandered a ship. Ridiculous yes, but pretty awesome. After she returns home she is invited to a party, not unlike that other party in the first one, as she is called to a mirror and is compelled to walk on the other side. Wonderland is here, Ms. Alice. She soon reunites with all her old friends from the first movie and it is a joy to see them again, same actors and all. But all is not well, Hatter is seriously disturbed after reliving the memory of losing his family and asks Alice for help. Side note, Johnny is much more better in this movie. You think he's just going to be weird Johnny Depp in this movie but far from it, there is a lot of sadness in his character and this movie gives great depth to the character through that, accentuated even further by his undying friendship with Alice, it is just so lovely. Alice then pays a visit to Time, played by Sacha Baron Cohen and I know, I know, you think he would be really annoying and miscast in this role but really, he does a very good job. Time himself is not a villain by any means, he's just a man performing his task of keeping time in line, if anything you could argue Alice is the villain in this movie. She steals a device called the chronosphere which keeps all time in balance in Wonderland to try and save Hatter's family. That's the basic plot, but there is much more to discuss. The chronosphere is a time machine but is modeled very much like H.G. Wells' Time Machine and travels across the Sea of Time, which I actually do remember is a part of the book and the Sea is amazing in design. Actually speaking of design, the film is gorgous with warm colors and lovely set design in Wonderland mixed beautifully with Time's palace which is shrouded in darkness with a gothic design, mechanical and cold like a clock itself. Surprisingly the film is not directed by Tim Burton, but produced by him, is it for better or for worse? I leave that up to you, but I really enjoyed the movie as is. Another excellent aspect is it builds upon the world seen in the first movie, you see many more locations and people that you never saw in the first movie, and that is awesome to me! Since the film deals with time travel, it's a bit difficult to not have Doctor Who elements pop into my brain, just how it all plays out works, and the quite frankly lovely message about time near the end is just the cherry on top. Oh my God, and it has the greatest cameo...ever!! I flipped my lid when I saw that friggin' Jim Moriarty from the BBC Sherlock series is the head of a mental institute. I mean is that not perfect casting or what? If you've seen Sherlock you are laughing your ass off right now, and rightfully so. Compared to the first movie, I'd say I enjoy the first more but without a doubt I will buy this movie. I'd love to add it to my collection, and hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did.

And tomorrow to cap off the week, we will time travel ourselves back to 1966 where we will visit two crusaders against crime....

The Intern

What a beautiful film.

I am serious, this film is absolutely beautiful. Beautiful with it's concepts of old and new, of relationships, of old age, of the real honest to God human emotions that we experience. With as simple a concept of a film about an older gentlemen who interns for a new internet fashion store, the film holds many truths. The truth of the strain of being the big boss of a company and the effects it has on a family, the truth of how real people express their emotions and how they deal with situations. This movie is sincere, it is charming, it is funny with excellent human characters. Not characters but human beings. Robert De Niro's character is indeed a dying breed, a chivalrous, kind, compassionate human being who decides to spend a bit of time in his life when he doesn't have much time left to experience something new, but more so to help people. Anne Hathaway's character is an overworked, stressed mother who tries to make everyone happy and yet carries the world on her shoulders, trying to better her life for the sake of not only herself but her family. She has a daughter in this movie that is heart-gushingly adorable and sweet and that is only one element of this film that moved me. Moved me to laughter, to shock, and to tears. It is a beautiful film. Real, humorous, and lovely. Usually when I recommend films, it is because they are good movies that people should watch for one reason or another. But this is a film that...I demand people to watch. It is a life changing film, it changes your perspective on life, love, old age, being compassionate towards others, and to always help in anyway you can. Most people including myself saw this as a comedy focusing on an older man working with new technology and living in the modern world, but what it truly is is something far greater and meaningful than anybody could percieve.