Friday, May 26, 2017

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Oh, Javier Bardem you deserved so much better.

Wow, this movie was underwhelming! I mean damn. I thought On Stranger Tides was worthless! This is a new level. Nothing happens in this movie. At all. Jack has even less standing in this adventure than the last movie which is somehow possible. So basically evil undead pirates have a score to settle with Jack, forcing Will and Elizabeth's son to do something about it that has nothing to do with Jack. Plot done, now onto the stupid. You heard right, Will and Elizabeth (Who are in the movie for maybe 4 minutes.) have a kid, who wants to free his dad from the Dutchman so he seeks Jack's help to....are you ready for this? Find the Trident of the sea god Poseidon. Pills...need pills now. And you know what the worst part is? This movie shouldn't exist. Do not fall for that bait and switch trailer where it treats it like the final Pirates movie, people will die, nothing will be the same anymore, Jack will no longer be alive. Bullshit!! Nothing happens in the movie, and Jack is alive and well at the end. This is the worst possible movie for one reason: there is nothing to talk about. With good movies, you praise them and love talking about them. With bad movies, you bitch at it but it is kinda cathartic and fun, you get to bash a movie and even provide constructive criticism. But with movies like this? There is no material to talk about. So why am I writing this review? Well that's where you are wrong, this is not a review. It is a warning. Do not watch this movie! Spend 2 hours of your time doing something better. You are better than I solely because you have not viewed this massive pile of nothing. I'm done. Goodnight.

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