BONUS: Onslaught

Okay yeah Adria wielding a chainsaw can get anyone in a theater.

This felt like a tremendous throwback movie from the 80s and as I recount the plot you'll see what I mean. So basically three supersoldiers crafted by a bootlicking natzi scientist escape containment and start wreaking havoc and death in a small New Mexico town putting them in the crosshairs of a military veteran who wouldn't you know it has custody of her daughter right before the shit royally hits the fan. It sounds almost Cannon-esque and yeah man it's pretty exploitative, with bloody gruesome deaths, a random scene of fairly strong nudity, a pretty no frills and no questions asked plot, it reeks of an old school action script just made with modern techniques. Of course Adria has my whole heart and it's been a minute since I've rooted for a movie character this hard, she's got trauma from being a soldier, she's a mom trying her best, and when mama bear goes off I can't help but love it. She pretty much carries the film but there's some solid supporting cast in tow. The man and legend Reginald VelJohnson who I haven't seen in the longest time plays a veteran neighbor of hers and my God do I love that man to bits, such a joy to see him in this even if it's just a small role! Blake Kennedy ho mah gawd is the cutest sweetest girl I swear, yeah I'd knife a motherfucker in the face to keep her safe without question, she did a great job and this mother/daughter duo was wonderful. Drew Starkey is a bit of a wild card in the mix playing a government operator who is on the hunt for the supersoldiers as well, and I do feel there was supposed to be more to this character that most likely ended up on the cutting room floor but he plays it very well regardless. The supersoldiers themselves lead by a man only known as The Butcher played by Alex Pereira are effectively brutal and have this almost Barrow-Wight soldier look to them, and man oh man is it cathartic to see them get ded. Adam Wingard our guy who helmed the Godzilla and Kong films brings such a style from minute one, and holy shit might have brought the most scathing anti-authoritative opening credits scene to a film I have ever seen so the man has my respect for that, with great use of angles and as typical with his movies a varied soundtrack. Also have to give a shoutout to Matt Pusti who really fucking brought it with the score, I had no idea synthesizers could be that goddamn heavy and when the metal music kicks in you're half expecting the Doom Slayer to round the corner and start annihilating, so big thumbs up for you sir! The pacing is short and sweet, this movie is less than 90 minutes not counting credits but does a damn good job setting everything up while still injecting it's own type of character and style in the filmmaking. And it works! You feel the unquiet and shock seeing people just get gunned down like a dog in the streets, you get invested with this woman, you fucking seethe at these government types likes the asswipes they are, so it's a highly effective and good movie. No means a genre defying masterpiece, but a rock solid film nonetheless. I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10, and now the work truly begins in earnest after this. I'll catch y'all near the tail end of the month!

Legend

This is the one that hurts the most personally.

I think it's no secret Tim was a treasure to behold and has been an almost lifelong favorite actor of mine, and I've never seen this movie and really only heard little bits and pieces through the years so it was a unique experience. Dear sweet Satan below though, can there ever just be a Ridley Scott movie with one damn cut? It was a journey in and of itself researching the 3 versions, hell I pretty much watched two of them for this review! I saw the U.S. cut and the european cut and goddammit both are a little bit of a mixed bag so I can't even say there's a definitive version, and I didn't even touch the near two and half hour version for the sake of brevity. But before we get wrapped up in the details let's talk plot. It is undoubtedly and positively high fantasy through and through, concerning a young princess embroiled in the machinations of his most infernal majesty who wishes to plunge the world in unending darkness as an unlikely hero rises to save his love and the idyllic world as well. Doesn't sound that far off from the most quintessential of fairy tales and that was without a doubt the goal for Ridley Scott and how the film is presented only pounds that truth to almost the center of the earth. Now production wise it is a visual feast of the most epic proportions, the sets are absurdly big and very involved with so much set dressing and props it would make the most die hard theater kids drool, the costuming is rich but not super flashy, the music in my personal opinion is better with the Tangerine Dreams soundtrack instead of the Jerry Goldsmith score though zero offense to Jerry, and I'll say this up front the editing is way WAY better in the european cut than the american cut which seems choppy and disjointed at times. You wouldn't think four minutes would make a tremendous difference between versions but it gives a better pace and rhythm for the scenes. I will fully admit Tim is the highlight of the film and is the biggest drawing factor, which is funny because he's really not that prevalent in the story I'd be surprised if we even get 25 minutes of him on screen but it's all in the presence and the un-fucking-believable prosthetics by Rob Bottin a king of 80s special effects. Like I'm sorry but if my choices were long haired pretty boy Tom Cruise or 7 foot tall, deep voiced, smitten Tim Curry...I guess I'm just gonna be the devil's lapdog and don't save me. I double dare you not to be enthralled by his performance and magnetism! Tim is glorious but we all know that already! Mia Sara as the princess Lily is very lovely, a true pure soul who tries to put things right and she does very very well even if it isn't exactly the deepest role and my God did she get a glow up when she's all evil queen which was wonderful. Tom Cruise, oh boy where do I start? Now do I think he did a terrible job? No. Do I think he was the right fit for the role? Also no! And apparently he was less than thrilled himself with the film and vowed never to do something like this again and stayed true to his word to this day, but hey man it was veryyyy early in his career and the fact he got Top Gun after this cemented his career. It's a decent film and considering fantasy was pretty much box office arsenic in the 80s, and yeah the film is bursting with style and beauty yet kinda lax on plot, but it no doubt has grown a cult following in the four decades since. I was happy to see it, even if it was twice just so I could compare notes and yeah let's just wrap that little tangent up. I would say go european, but man if I was actually smart and knew how to edit I would make my own fan edit with the longer runtime and the Tangerine Dreams soundtrack incorporated with some particular shots and lines kept in from the american cut. I mean I'm sure it might exist somewhere and hey if you find it drop me a line cause I'd be down for it. It's a little bit of a mess but we'll live anyway. I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10, last week was fucking bullshit and we need a win more than possibly ever. In fact this might be the last review until the tail end of the month mainly because I got so so much to bring to you next month in the most wonderful time of the year and well I'll need the time to make it all happen. So be good to yourselves, stay safe, and embrace the night.

Transformers The Movie

Til' all are One.

Needless to say that scene hits a hell of a lot harder now. I can't even begin to tell you how much I have heard about this movie and the impact it left, I want to say since around 2007 or 2008 I have heard people talk about this movie from reviews of it, people who collected the action figures, and just the general zeitgeist of the 1980s for those who remember and for those who will never forget so I kinda knew everything about it already and yet...I felt like I knew nothing. Oh sure the big stuff I was very familiar with! The war between Autobots and Decepticons, the arrival of planet killer Unicron, the death of Optimus Prime, the rebirth of Galvatron, The Matrix Of Leadership, yet how all those pieces come together in a story is a different tale entirely. This movie kicks your ass till you spit out your balls from minute one in a non-stop action rampage fuelled by anime style animation and kick fucking ass 80s rock until end credits, it is brutal in so many ways and not just the onslaught of character deaths. Now I am not an encyclopedia of the G1 Transformers though I have watched the original show yet even I know the body count is absurd in this movie! It is NOT one of those movies where we get introduced to a lot of new characters while keeping up with the originals, if anything they scrap the originals to make room for the new ones which I know would be considered sacriligeous to the point of heresy today, but it does make me wonder how people felt about it back in 1986. What people failed to mention was the fact that Optimus gets dead before I almost want to say the 25 minute mark, in fact the pacing is break neck speed and slightly scattered throughout in terms of where characters are, what they're doing, what the next scene is, it makes Rise Of Skywalker look like an Andy Warhol film taking it's sweet ass time. I thought the big final confrontation with Megatron was more going to be the halfway low point of the film and then our new heroes would gather to fight Unicron. Yet I can't help but feel that seeing Optimus fight so bravely and inspire others to wield their might for right even after his death is a worthy tribute to Peter Cullen, who literally inspired entire generations (Plural!) of people to be better individuals, who fullheartedly believe that freedom is the right of all sentient beings, and that's pretty incredible. Dare I even say awe inspiring! And while we miss such a powerful voice, I can safely say the rest of the voice cast are far from chumps. Judd Nelson does good work playing a more young and brash protagonist as Hot Rod who I know people either love or despise this character but I didn't hold any serious qualms, Frank Welker is still the king and brings his A-game, fucking Leonard Nimoy as Galvatron is a real treat and feels not like a successor to Megatron but just is a reincarnated Megatron, we somehow I still don't know how got Orson Welles as Unicron in his final role no less and boy is that an intimidating voice for a horrific entity and I almost want to say is more destructive than the Death Star. Speaking of which, yeahhh the Star Wars influence is felt here a good bit showing how monumental and influencing that movie was. I do really love the animation, it has that suped up Robotech look with so much color and motion, and it will stun me rigid everytime knowing it was drawn all by hand. The music...holy fuck balls! Both the score by Vince DiCola who was on some high plane wizardy and the soundtrack with Stan Bush and Kick Axe is the stuff you should be buying with your money. I'm serious man this is the most 80s shit I have ever seen in my entire life and I'm speechless. Now can I see the faults? Yes! Do I still very much like the movie and can say it's one of the best Transformers movies even 40 years later? Also yes! It's certainly never dull and even I'm a bit shocked I've never truly written a review of this until now, but hey I ain't mad. I give it 3 stars, 7/10, and tomorrow we hit another milestone and say just one more goodbye.

The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas

Cheers to you Dolly.

It's funny how long this movie has been on my radar, we're talking waaay back to my pre-teen days yet I never knew a damn thing about it. Had no idea it had Dolly and Burt, had no idea it was a musical, and had no idea about the plot of a well over century old brothel in Texas that's targeted by a sensationalist television star against not only the town's wishes but the sherrif's as well who has personal ties to the owner as they fight to keep it's doors open for business. The best way I can describe it is it's a fun and fancy free movie, you may gather that from the term musical but it truly is just some entertaining fluff that has a very good sense of humor and a fair bit of heart to it. We get fourth wall breaks, dance numbers, about as much southern cussing as you can get, and less than reasonable consequences for legitimate offenses. I know everyone talks about 9 To 5 when it comes to Dolly Parton in cinema but I wanted to showcase this and I'll be dadgumed I don't know if you could get closer to the woman herself than here, her wonderful wit, her philanthropic nature, her singing, her massive heart that she wears proudly on her sleeve, I will be goddamned to Hell itself if I truly do not say this woman was perfect. I mean that wholeheartedly. And just the sheer chemistry she has with Burt in this makes it worthwhile to watch, they have genuine moments together, they have a nice relationship, you can tell they will go the distance for each other and it's wonderful. I know Burt pretty much just plays Burt in almost all his roles but that's why you watch his movies, his humor and laugh, his swagger, his outstanding ability to verbally throw down, he's endless fun to watch in this and I do miss the man a great deal too. Dom DeLuis is a solid antagonist pretty much prophesizing the evangelist nightmare that would spring up later in the decade, and the best part is I really can't tell if he does have this high morality bitchiness about him or if he's capitalizing on this story for fame and fortune but either way he's a right little shit that you love to boo and hiss at. I gotta also shoutout Theresa Merritt as the housekeeper Jewel, I just really loved her in this and I know for a fact that woman would kick my ass if I didn't bring my manners. This turned out to be Colin Higgin's last directorial effort and at first glance it doesn't seem all that special but then you get these wide shots with that big ol' Texas sky and these unreal shots of the sun rising or setting, it has a good look to it throughout. I heard some people bashed the movie for changing it up from the stage play and altering some of the history but I certainly didn't hold much of a grudge for any of it. Hell the fact this might be the most pro-sex worker movie I've ever seen gets nothing but my respect, and just for the record my favorite song from the film is Hard Candy Christmas which is a real bittersweet song for the girl's near the end of the movie. And it's surprisingly quotable, I swear half of the quotes I saw attributed to Dolly when the news came on Twitter were from this movie, the ballerina line, if you see someone unhappy give them your smile, it really is an admirably written script. I really didn't know what to expect but it all makes total sense now why my Nan had this in her VHS collection once upon another time. It's a charming funny little movie that I never hear anybody talk about but I can say it is worth seeing at least just once. I had a cracking good time, got swept up in the story, laughed to beat the band, quite enjoyed the romance aspect to it, and I got to see two wonderful stars orbit each other for just a moment. 3 stars, 7.5/10, and we stick to the 80s for a movie you may be surprised I haven't actually reviewed yet.