Borderlands

As a complete and utter noob to this video game series, the movie ain't that bad.

When picking showtimes today this had a whopping 3% on the asswipe of a review website Rotten Tomatoes to which I replied, I'll judge that for myself. And while it's probably not a flawless adaptation and truthfully is a more loose and carefree adventure film with a firm layer of cheese to it, it's decent. It starts off as a kidnap retrieval but spirals into a bit of a treasure hunt as we link up with several members of a dysfunctional group, Lilith a bounty hunter, Roland a soldier, Krieg a bulky specimen not too far from the Mad Max series, Tina the girl kidnapped who kicks off this plot, and Claptrap a quirky robot. In fact quirky kinda sums it up for me, this is a movie that unabashedly just does it's own thing with little consideration for others, the action ranges from typical to wild, the comedy though it did get a few laughs out of me is that particular kind of offbeat where most would claim it cringeworthy, the production and worldbuilding are a teensy bit shaky but overall solid, and the soundtrack actually did a few things for me. But of course this is all from the perspective of someone who knows nothing about the Borderlands video games, I know it's highly stylized with almost cel shading, is based entirely on getting better loot, and seems completely friggin' nuts. I won't mind playing it one day so I can only judge it as a movie on it's own merits. Personally I loved Cate Blanchett to bits in this movie, she looks like she's having a lot of fun and God have mercy on my soul for how much I was crushing on her! Just whew. Ariana Greenblatt I could see some giving a lot of good grief for playing this bratty, better than you, nutball of a kid but I liked her just fine and adored the relationship she had with Krieg. It did take me a quick sec to realize Jack Black voices Claptrap who got the most laughs out of me, and it's been a bloody minute since I've had a four way tie of favorite characters in this film! I don't know if I can pick one over the other, they all bring something that I love and enjoy to the table! Fascinating world that was potrayed, had some Blade Runner, had a fair mix of Mad Max, felt even a bit D&D at periods with some of the encounters. Is it great? No. Is it flat out bad? Far from it. It sits in the middle for me, I can recommend it if you have a taste for oddball adventure stories and hodgepodge character parties. This may sound strange but this movie gave me early 2000s vibes around that 2003 to 2006 era of both sci-fi movies and live action kids movies, it's all just bizzare but hey maybe that fits the world of Borderlands just fine. I give it 2.5 stars, 6.5/10! 

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Well I was partially right.

The new Mario Bros. movie is good, but again you have to divide it between an adaptation and a movie on it's own. I do really like despite what others might grumble about how they craft the world, with Mario and Luigi as plumbers in New York who discover a warp pipe and get transported to the world of the games we know and love. Luigi gets seperated and ends up in enemy territory while Mario meets up with Peach in an attempt to stop Bowser and save his brother. It's a completely decent plot, and while the pessimist in me wants to say well they sure figured out how to cram each gameplay mechanic into this, they do Super Mario, they do 3D World, they do Mario Kart, they even pretty much do Smash Bros., yet the optimist in me has to give minor applause for how they strung each setpiece together and did make it work quite well! Though I'm split on how things in the game world carry over into the movie, and what I mean by that is the characters know a red flower gives you fire powers or what a question block does but there's no explanation as to why they are there, who made them, or how they know that. I suppose it's just one of those don't question it things. Voice acting was pretty good though I gotta say, I didn't hate the Chris Pratt voice like so many were dreading, and I did NOT need this lavish, over the top "It's-a me Mario, I'm gonna beat the living ragu out of you and then drink a lot of red wine while shouting about the new Ferrari Stradale while making my world famous linguini!" I'd put my foot down on that pronto. It peppers it in but not much. Charlie Day, solid casting as Luigi I must say and was almost expecting them to do some Luigi's Mansion stuff at one point, but I liked him! Anya Taylor-Joy as Peach, here to throw down and do what must be done so rock on there, it's odd seeing her in this considering her previous films I've seen but hey I'm here for it and I really really dig the backstory they give to her. Jack Black as Bowser is the best part of the movie in my opinion, yeah the voice has been augmented a fair bit but only Jack could deliver these lines and these moments. The animation is everything you imagined and more, it really does look like the newest games with a Hollywood budget creating some colorful, beautiful, even atmospheric worlds with more easter eggs and references than you could throw a blue shell at, and not just Mario stuff either! The music is...interesting, they throw in a lot of Mario music in full orchestral fashion which was fantastic, but then they throw in tracks like ACDC'S Thunderstruck and A-Ha's Take On Me seemingly random at times but I dig those songs so it was jarring but not bad. The comedy was good, but the big shining stars are Bowser and a quite literal star from the Super Mario Galaxy games that made me laugh until I had to cover my mouth, bite my lip, and shed brief tears just so I wouldn't laugh like a cross between a strangled hyena and the friggin' Emperor. It's exactly as advertised and oh yeah, people will be shouting cash cow advertisment product placement galore with this movie and even I gotta admit it worked on me. I would love to fire up Super Mario World on my SNES or marathon 3D World with some friends (dibs on blue Toad), but it's Mario man. It's been around awhile, it most likely is the first video game we have ever played, I know it was mine when I was starting to get around on my own two legs and going to my cousins place where they had an NES with Super Mario/Duck Hunt and I really liked it. Not long after that Super Mario 64 and more importantly the N64 made me the gamer I am today. It's okay to watch and love it. As an adaptation it's pretty much a 9 if not 10/10! But as a movie all on it's own I give it a 7.5/10, good movie, pretty fun, will we see Wart in a sequel? You never know. So hey fuggetaboutit, get you some italian food after the movie, school your family and friends at Mario, and have a fun day to yourself. Now if only we could get a Zelda movie...

Tenacious D In The Pick Of Destiny

Full disclosure, if you're not ready for Jack Black to swear wait on this.

Yet another movie fully worthy of the R rating and also coincidentally from New Line Cinema, Tenacious D a band I never even heard of until well into my teens tried their hand at movies and I thought it was good. It's no masterpiece but it certainly ain't garbage, if you're a fan of movies stewed in ridiculousness and humble production this is a movie for you. Our story follows two rockers KG and Lee who meet up and start to form their own band, before hearing of a mythic legendary guitar pick that will place them at the pinnacle of other rock gods and the journey begins to become the best like no one ever was. I liked the loose story, and the performances of Jack Black and Kyle Gass is what makes you stick around, they just have good personalities and in other actor's hands this movie wouldn't be much. It takes about 30 minutes before the journey for the POD begins but the movie never feels slow, if anything it gets faster and wilder as it goes on like any blistering metal track, culminating in Dave Grohl former drummer of Nirvana and current lead singer for Foo Fighters, playing Satan himself who is challenged to a rock off. It's pretty great and showcases his skills, and is probably one of the best devil's in all of media. It's a strange movie from a distance, but if you give it a watch you may get swept away in it. I know I did and found it to be entertaining and pretty funny. 3.5 stars, 7/10 from me, and I will catch you tomorrow for the ultimate in rock comedy.

The Cable Guy

This was the one man.

Can you believe that? This movie above all others was the one that nearly tanked Jim Carrey's career and nearly also Ben Stiller's directing career. It's really not that bad! I really and truly wish I could have seen this as a kid just to see if I would have loved it or not, because I have seen movies where Jim is an absurd funny man but also an actor that can do other things beyond comedy. Obviously The Truman Show comes to mind, but I saw him do a romance movie with still plenty of comedy in Yes Man, so how would this have stacked up for me? Cause for a lot of people back then, they did not like it. At all. Why is Jim Carrey weird? Why is he creepy and awkward? He's not being himself on camera. And on one hand I can see why they thought that, his catalogue of films were very similar in tone and this pushed it somewhere far out and weird, but on the other hand and this is the bad part folks, human beings are creatures of habit and we don't like things that are different. To see Jim Carrey play a cable guy that stalks/befriends a client played by Matthew Broderick, and just be a socially awkward, over the top, and kinda weird dude (which to be perfectly honest ain't much different from his other roles) threw people off. Now I personally very much enjoy this film, and I don't think I have ever said this in a review before but this movie, for lack of a better term, was ahead of it's time. How many people do you know nowadays that are like Jim Carrey in this movie? The person who is socially weird, is obsessed with old TV shows, has an odd sense of humor that only he gets, and is generally an absurd personality. Now think about how many people you knew who were like that either when you were a kid or living in the 80s or 90s. To be fair, Jim Carrey is a riot in this movie for me, I was laughing a lot and I'm not sure what this says about me as a person but I identify with this guy. I was babysitted by television, I do quote countless shows and movies just on a whim, I am a bit socially awkward granted not to this extent, but I really understood what character the writer and director was going for and watched Jim bring it to life. Matthew Broderick is a good lead, I'm always happy to see Leslie Mann in friggin' anything because that woman is an absolute treasure, Jack Black has a kinda fun role, and the supporting cast through different scenes do good work. The comedy was on a roll for me, I probably laughed more at this movie than any others this week! Hell the movie was ahead of it's time by flat out calling how the future was going to be, usually in movies or shows when people talk about or show the future they are way off, not this movie! Jim has a bit of dialogue where he talks about how television, computers, and phones will work hand in hand with the ability to watch two things at the same time, that you can do your shopping at home, and you can play Mortal Kombat with a friend halfway across the world. Damn. If that ain't serendipitous, I don't know what is. Honestly if this movie got a modern retelling, it probably would get recieved well and have a good run in theaters and on video. Jim Carrey is a versatile actor and not just in a comedy sense, which is what really aggravates the living daylights out of me because people just wanted the same shit. They wanted more dumb fun, goofy, wild haired comedy and wasn't willing to see an actor try something similar but different, cause God forbid an actor wants to break from a certain role and do something totally different and show they have further and better acting talents. Now you may be saying "Well Dude why are you so upset in this instance?", well because Jim's other movies worked! Truman Show was funny but could pull off strong drama with good characters and a great setup and got almost glowing reviews and audiences loved it, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind was way darker than this and won an Academy Award and is regarded as some of his best work. So I urge and beg people to watch this movie again and re-evaluate it, which is why I said I wish I watched it when I was younger. Would I have had the same reaction? Would it have scared me when I see Jim Carrey with glowing green eyes (Probably yes, but let's not dwell on that.)? Would I have adored it just as much as The Mask and Ace Ventura? I'll never know. But damn it, I think this is a really good movie, 4 stars, 8/10! It is well worth the time and money and I seriously hope it gets a bigger cult following and more appreciation.

School Of Rock

You know, for a movie over 15 years old (and you just let that sink in for a minute) it honestly hasn't lost any of it's charm or enjoyment for me.

I can't remember exactly when I first saw School Of Rock, I know I definitely rented it at one point so I must have been fairly young maybe 10 or so, but it has a lasting impression on me. More on that later but first, story time! So our story begins with our man Jack Black as a guitar player named Dewey that gets kicked out of his old band, and in need of a steady gig impersonates his roomate who's a substitute teacher and gets into a prep school. After learning about his student's musical talents he forms a rock band and grows a great relationship with the kids as they perfect their craft for a battle of the bands event. First off, there is no way in hell that this movie could have worked without Jack Black, I mean he has that energy and appeal plus he can totally act and even play. He's the best part of the movie, but his co-stars aren't outshined. These are cool kids, pretty much perfect acting from all with extra love and admiration going to Summer, Zack, and Tomika. Granted some kids are more in the background but they get their moments and with an ensemble cast this big it was unavoidable. Bottom line, the kids are awesome! But what's the point of talking about the movie if you don't bring up the soundtrack? I mean geez this film practically groomed me for my music taste! This film introduced me to a lot of artists that I've come to enjoy and appreciate like The Doors, Led Zeppelin, and AC/DC, bands I didn't know much about when I was younger but now am big fans of them all. If you straight up asked me what my favorite band is, it's either Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, or The Doors, it really did influence me that much. The music selection no matter how brief is really, really good with even the original songs being great. Lord knows I'd take a music class like that where I could be introduced to lots of different groups and appreciate their styles and songs. It really puts you in a good if not great mood by the end, it's easy to get invested in the story, to enjoy these characters and their interactions together. Jack Black is so good in this movie, he can talk to these kids about their problems and issues and be completely genuine while still having fun and being crazy. It's a damn good movie man, what can I say? I do hate the whole liar revealed nonsense, cause you know they're just gonna go rock out anyway, those scenes no matter the movie are padding. Plain and simple. But beyond that is there anything I even slightly dislike? Nope, I love how the opening shot is kind of a long take, I love all the actors, the story is original and fun, the music is all kinds of awesome, not much at all to hate here! 4 stars! See it again if you grew up with it, introduce it to your kids if they dig that kind of music, have fun with it, rock out, you just go have a ball. Okay I have to tell this story cause I have such good memories of this movie, waaaay back during the summer of 2007 I was on break at my grandparent's house, and Cartoon Network pretty much had a marathon of this movie for about 3 days and all I did was watch the movie, play some Guitar Hero (both 1 and 2), and had a great summer. I pretty much had my own version of Woodstock and it was pretty far out, granted it wasn't as massive or as wild as Woodstock but I loved every minute of it so I'm always in higher spirits when the School Of Rock starts rolling credits. And what's summer without some great tunes?

The House With A Clock In Its Walls

I'd say it was worth the bit of grief I had to put up with.

I really thought I was not going to make it to this movie, but I'm very happy I did. This is a good movie, it's a family movie first with literal fantastic elements, and I genuinely wanted this movie to be a movie kids could watch in the future around Halloween time and it would fit the mood. Thankfully I was correct, it feels a part of that season without it explicitly being October, I think it works incredibly well with the armosphere and world it is trying to potray. So the story follows a young boy named Lewis who recently lost his parents and is taking residence in his uncle Jonathan house where he soon discovers that not only his uncle but his next door neighbor Florence are in fact magic users. The kid learns more and more magic abilities all the while a ticking clock is heard inside the walls. Good story, I like how they handled it, they set up pretty good lore and rules in this world. Anybody can learn magic if you have the right books, it's very Doctor Strange, there are unholy entities in this world, several superstitions are called as facts, this I found really interesting and got me involved. But the absolute best part is easily Jack Black and Cate Blanchett, they make this movie great. Their chemistry is beautiful and they are such fun! Owen Vaccaro also does extremely well as Lewis bringing some good heart and personality to an essential blank slate of a kid, and what really surprised me is they do a good job addressing the death of loved ones. You can have good days, you can have fun, you do form attachments to things they gave you, but sometimes you still are emotionally devastated and still reflect on the time you had with them. In fact there were a few moments where I was like, "Oh wow, that couldn't make it in just a kids movie!" hell they even pull a straight up Monster Squad and I was just as wowed as the first time seeing it in that movie! There is some terrible and crass humor but yhe good outweighs the bad and I did really like this movie. A definite go see if you have kids or just want some magic in your life!

Next time we look at a legit suspense (maybe even horror?) movie from one of the obvious studios for such entertainment. That's right, Disney!!

King Kong (2005)

Not as long as I remembered it.

Many people question the fact is the new King Kong better than the original, and to that I say this, without a doubt. It fixes many problems with the last movie in every respect. Now some might say that's not fair, film has grown so much since the 30s and the technology available of course could do so much more. Now I don't hate the original and I'm not just saying the effects are better, oh no, everything is better. The acting, the editing, the cinematography in general, just every little issue I had with the 1933 version has been rectified. Ann goes from just a screaming woman to a more developed and enjoyable character, Carl Denham played by Jack Black is an interesting casting choice but by God he goes all in with it and really rocks in this movie, the music is terrific with individual themes for the main characters and Kong himself, the film is beautiful to look at in some places, and yes the special effects are phenomenal. Andy Serkis doing motion capture for Kong is mindblowing, the dinosaurs look terrific, the island itself seems vast and dangerous, and New York in the Great Depression really cement the visual appeal for me. I could not find much wrong with this movie mainly because it fixes many of the problems from the original. Like I said, Ann is now something more than just a screaming Fay Wray, she is an entertainer who travels to the island and when she meets Kong at first the screaming is in full force, but it's after the genius T-Rex fight that she warms up to him and you can tell she genuinely gives a damn about the big ape. Hell, my favorite scene in the entire movie is not the fight with the T-Rex but afterwards when Kong takes Ann to his home, hardly a word is said and yet you can feel so much. Film is a visual medium and that scene alone tells a story perfectly without saying or even really doing anything. I might even be so bold as to say, this is one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. Now while some people question Jack Black as the director in the movie, I roll with it, he is very eccentric, harboring on obsessed to make his movie even when his crew starts dying, he just has this sort of....like, back stabbing, manipulative, sort of megalomaniac thing going on and I like that much better than Robert Armstrong as the director in the original. In terms of the natives on Skull Island, this takes it to a whole new level. Gone are the lavish costumes and almost sort of regal feel to them, now they are bloodthirsty, terrifying, and dangerous people, it doesn't feel like a racial stereotype it feels like a cannibalistic tribe! It's unbelievable! If I had to describe this film in one word I would call it, supplemental. It is not an update to King Kong like the 70s one, it takes place in the 1930s, and feels like a more elaborate and detailed version of the original. Everything has more depth and meat to it, and yes the movie clocks in at over three hours long, but I never really noticed. Man whenever I first saw this it felt like an eternity for the movie to end, and I watched Lord Of The Rings on an almost regular basis at that age but it felt just so long. But now, I get by it much easier. Just whenever I compare the original to the remake, the remake is the much better film! How many times can you say that in your lifetime? Every aspect, every detail, every action is done so well! I wish this movie had sequels like every other frickin' King Kong movie! The original had Son Of Kong, the greatest movie brawl in history King Kong Vs. Godzilla (Suck on that Civil War you hacks!) had King Kong Escapes where he fought a robotic King Kong, the 70s King Kong had the outrageous King Kong Lives, but this one couldn't?? Betrayal!!!

Well people it's speculation time, Kong Skull Island hits theaters tomorrow but here are my predictions and thoughts on it. I think it will be great. The movie looks like it's set in the late 60s, early 70s. Don't believe me? Well let's see, the girl uses a camera (a very old camera) that uses real film, not even a self respecting hipster would use that, the slightly disturbing Vietnam vibe when they drop bombs on the island out of helicopters (Oh hi Apocalypse Now! Funny seeing you here!), they use a legit projector, you know with physical slides in it, and the ever so slight image of a Nixon bobblehead!! Fraking what?! And they use the song Bad Moon Rising which was released in.....1969. I rest my case. Now people might be saying, "Dude this Kong is going to fight Godzilla from the 2014 movie, how could it be the 70s or the 60s? He'd die before the present day!" well apes, specifically gorillas can live long lives, upward to 60 years, and since Kong isn't exactly a normal ape, I'd dare say he can live to be over 100 in human years. So I'd say he can live long enough for the rematch. Which is also safe to say, he won't die at the end, hell he probably won't even leave the island. So I'm expecting lots of monster fights, good acting, an entertaining story, and the good news is the king is back.