Alien Ressurection

God fuck almighty.

I think I can sum up this movie in one single quote so thank Carrie Fisher for this when she told George Lucas "You know you can write this stuff but you can't say it.". I would so rather be doing better things with my time than talking about Alien Ressurection. Who the hell is this movie made for? I am serious, I demand an answer. It's not Alien fans I can tell you that right now. Alright well, the story is set about 200 years after Alien 3 when a different compnay it's not even Weyland-Yutani anymore they don't exist clones Ripley, how they achieved this makes somehow even less sense than when she had a chestburster in her last movie which made 0% sense, in an attempt to mass breed Xenomorphs. Mercenaries enter the fray, shit goes south, and it's a race to escape as per usual. I truly do not like bashing on movies, it takes so much effort and creativity to make a movie even if it's not objectively good, but I ain't got much good to say. The whole thing just feels off, I can't tell if it's going for a campy cheesy space monster movie vibe due to mainly the performances and plot progression, and it really didn't work if it did. Maybe it's partly on the directing but I personally put it all on the script written by Joss Whedon hack fuck extraordinaire, because no director could make this work. Toss all the details of the production in the garbage and just read it like it's a bare bones script, and you will find precisely dick right with it. So you take the script, you get a french director who somehow recovered from this and directed Amèlie 4 years later, get a fairly noteworthy cast of actors, obviously Sigourney Weaver returns, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, and Brad Dourif among several others, and nothing could save it. It's not turn your brain off entertainment, it's IQ crippling entertainment. I almost said you just have to see some examples to understand that, but absolutely not. It isn't worth the time or money. And truth be told it's not a shoddy production, pretty diverse selection of sets and thusly scenarios, the alien suits look damn good, the gore is quick admittedly but gnarly just the same, and even the CG for a 1997 film is pretty well executed! It certainly wasn't a phone it in movie and had some talent on it, but it really was torpedoed by the writing. Way to spit on the actual ending to this damn series by cloning Ripley and I guess somehow when you clone people alien DNA can get mixed right on in there so Ripley is like 95% human 5% Xenomorph, because science. Now Sigourney ain't acting bad here but there isn't much to do. Winona Ryder I feel suffers the worst here, again not due to her acting ability cause I've seen her act and she does fine, but it's the directing that makes her this insufferable ass character with so little to contribute to...anything, even existing to be candid. Also how in the ever loving circles of hell itself did you make Ron Perlman completely unlikeable? The man has charm and a lot of affability that is pretty present in his body of work, I've never seen a movie where I wasn't happy to see him until today! There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery! Just no. And Brad Dourif, well he practically gets a universal pass for anything, regardless of how weird the part is and it's plenty out there in this damn movie, I love him too much to be mean. God bless them they are all trying but I couldn't do any better myself trying to juggle this bloody movie. I never thought I'd bitch about set design in my life but you wanna talk tryhard? They attempted so hard to have the spaceship feel like the Nostromo from the first Alien movie and got absolutely nothing right about it, it's too well lit, it doesn't have an ounce of atmosphere, and it's not shot even effectively enough to where they could fake it until they make it. I could not recommend it under any circumstance or personal preference. It is just a dumb, idiotic, moronic, stupid piece of entertainment that was made in 1997 and hasn't been relevant since. 1.5 stars, 4.5/10, oh let Romulus be good!

Halloween II (2009)

Well that was an experience.



I may not like it as much as the first one but I didn't really hate it. We pick up one year after Michael got shot in the computer at point blank range, and Laurie is irrevocably damaged from the experience still having nightmares and trauma from that night when guess who's coming over Halloween night? It deals a lot more with just the fallout of the first film than killing is Michael's business and business is good, and takes almost a more cerebral/psychic drive with both Laurie and Michael and their familial connection. I mean duuuude, if you thought I was upset with how much shit Laurie had to go through in the first film I was about ready to riot here. There is no cathartic victorious ending, if anything it firmly sets in just the horror and the heartbreak which occurs when something terrible happens like a killing. The deaths are absurdly grisly, I learned the hard way don't watch this movie while dining, but all the more that goes to show how super well done the effects artists at work are here. And somehow it got more angry, it makes the first movie look like Michael was just kind of annoyed when he's knifing people I mean Jezuz Cuhryst man! But I feel the emotions and the drama haven't been lost, though we don't spend a lot of screen time on Danielle and Brad my heavens above the acting and cute family dynamic they have is amazing. Like I firmly believe, if I have to set up a petition for this then so be it, but there has got to be like an Academy Award show based around the horror industry. Brad Dourif is such a commited actor and I love him to pieces, Danielle Harris still brings it and I was severely upset emotionally seeing her not survive this time, Scout is my heart shattering into tiny fragments throughout this movie I think she's wonderful conveying all this emotional and psychological baggage, friggin' Malcolm McDowell just being this heartless capitalizing son of a bitch is far from Sam Loomis but the guy nails it! I know people have grievances with the psychological connection and hallucinations Michael and Laurie have but guys this is so not a new thing in the Halloween series, people rolled with it at Halloween 5 you can look past it here. It gets artsy, and I'm not really sure what the implication is of it all, but it's more in the background. I guess I can't say I hate it, and knowing this production being even more of a pain in the ass for Rob Zombie and even fiercer meddling from the studio I don't blame the guy for doing what he did. They were gonna make a theatrical mockery out of his shit man, and he wasn't gonna stand for it. So he made it weirder, more out there, pushed it to the outskirts of the playing field this series has been on for at that point 31 years. I can't fault him, it wasn't a bad movie, it turned a lot of people off and didn't perform well, but I can live with it existing. I give it 2.5 stars, 6/10, maybe it won't get some re-evaluation like the first movie but I still think it has it's own merits. Does it truly end tomorrow? Does Halloween ever really end? If they stick to their guns and just f***ing do it no matter what, it'll have my respect at least. We'll see.

Halloween (2007)

Alright guys I'm stumped, why is this hated?



Well okay, maybe it's not hated now but I think it was kind of a given in the late 2000s the new Halloween movie sucked. I fail to see any serious issue here. Rob Zombie was flat out told by John Carpenter to do whatever he wants, and by his account the production more specifically pressure from studio execs was a damn nightmare (sit and spin on a flaming sword by the by Harvey Weinstein you waste of atoms). I knew it was going to be something different so I dropped everything, settled down and started watching it. People can bitch all they want about the childhood stuff, but me personally I think I get what Rob was going for here. It's not so much the fact that Michael had a severe dysfunctional and trashy family so therefore he becomes a killer, it's more that something that becomes this horrific mass murdering monster can spawn from anywhere and any family dynamic. And I'll admit, that portion of the film had a strong grip on my attention delving into some drama, dare I say compelling storytelling, I would watch a movie that takes a serial killer documentary style feel with Loomis and Michael as the years progress, seeing Loomis try and fail more and more to reach this young boy and it genuinely upsets him. The acting from Sheri, Malcolm, and Daeg are rock solid in my opinion. And even when we break on through to more familiar grounds it's still fairly unpredictable. Laurie is a lot more extroverted and fun, I'd guard Scout with my body and soul forever she is such a sweetie, and by God you would never want something bad to happen to her in this movie. In fact, I like all our main girls and even their parents a great deal and thus when the bodies start dropping you feel upset. This is far from the case of annoying little shits that need to drop dead and fast in other slasher movies. You think I would root against Danielle Harris? Get f***ed. And I know, I know. She wanted the role, she wanted to show off some skin, that is your life and your career hun, go for it. Me though? Oh no! No no! You're going the wrong way movie!! You need to turn around! Turn the f*** around!!! STOP! No thank you. And speaking of said kills, holy balls of fire it is rough. I mean the effects are very well done, but it's just so....angry and just messed up to watch. I honestly think Michael hasn't been this dominating and looming and scary since the first movie. When Tyler Mane gets that mask on and he can just stand there and I'm just over here like ohhhhh shiiiiit me, clearly he is embodying the role well. He does blindside you at times, cause you think well he's got the silent stalking part down perfectly, and you think he's gonna stalk just a bit longer. He ain't got time for that, there be no stealthy kills here, he will kick your shit in after breaking some more shit. And I found the fundamental idea of babysitters being attacked by a killer to work impressively well after all this time. I just don't get it. It's a good movie, it's not a masterpiece, it sure as goddamn hellfire ain't Resurrection bad. It has plenty to like, the characters are handled well, the horror is still felt, it's shot quite well, you just have to let it be and judge it on it's own merits. It's not a remake, it's a reimagining. I am also aware of some cuts and versions out there, just go watch The Kill Count break it down, I mean seriously if there is friggin' one thing you should be watching regularly this month and every month it's those good people. So 3 stars from me, 7/10, not too sure what to expect from the sequel but we'll find out soon enough.

The Exorcist III

Why am I doing 3 before 2? Two reasons, 1. The second movie is bad, and B. While both have connections to the first this felt like a proper sequel.

After the total maelstrom of shite the second Exorcist movie became, the original author William Peter Blatty took it upon himself to write and direct the third. That's how much he hated it. And to be fair I haven't read The Exorcist and I think he does competent work here but my heavenly stars does this movie get odd. Honestly, if this wasn't an Exorcist movie or have any ties to the supernatural at all this would be a great film. The plot centers on a police officer who is working on murder cases that are identical to a previous serial killer known as Gemini, despite the killer being dead for 15 years. He discovers that Damien Karris from the first movie was possesed by the spirit of the Gemini Killer after his climactic fall down the stairs at the end of the first movie and has only recently started to murder. It's a bit bonkers to say the least, but if you can look past the outlandish plot elements which are really few and far between this is a pretty decent movie. But do you see why I say this would make a superior crime film than horror film? It really plays out as that for the majority of the film with instances of spooky supernatural stuff peppered throughout. In the original script there wasn't even an exorcism scene and I hear tale that there is a director's cut out there that fits more to that script. I still quite liked this movie but I feel it all comes down to the shoulder of the cast. George C. Scott is our main character, do I even need to go on? He's great as always and his reputation only improves with every film I see him in. With Gemini, both Jason Miller returns but we also get Brad Dourif as the embodiment of the killer and you can imagine the faces of fear I had watching him. F*** me sideways, it has been a good damn while since any performance has hit me like that! If there ever was a reason to watch this movie it is because of Brad Dourif, I seriously could go on a tirade just about him because I just adore that man to the moon and beyond. It really and truly is scary good. I love how the film is shot, it does not rush things and builds that tension and suspense well through great camera work and editing. I can see if people call it slow but I never personally thought the movie dragged even a smidge. The exorcism scene is just as wild with so much visual flair to it compared to the practically subtle first one, it's kind of a trip but nevertheless fascinating and interesting. It's a bizarre combination of genre and substance but I'll take it over The Heretic any day of any year, I won't blame anybody if they just want to stick to the original and not venture further beyond into the myriad of sequels, but if you're feeling adventurous and want to see something odd yet quite good give this a shot. I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10! Only two more movies to go before the bittersweet end, and needless to say in October it's a wonderful life.