Dungeons & Dragons Honor Among Thieves

Aged like wine or a very nice bourbon.

I know some hardcore, dungeon crawling, bone rolling fans who are gonna dig the shit out of this movie. And as a newbie I felt very proud to know so many tidbits of the world from creatures to spells, but the overall story and characters is where it's at. The plot is pretty much exactly stated in the trailer, a group of noble thieves help a secret dark wizard to acquire a powerful artifact and while working out their own baggage turn full on heroes. The reason why exactly this movie works so well aside from the performances themselves is the backstory, the motivation, the history of these characters. All easily understandable, grounded, and fleshed out enough to where you get them. Though I think the dialogue is written well enough to where even if the backstory wasn't there you get a solid grip on the personalities of our main characters. Of course Chris Pine is a charismatic, funny, and great lead as the bard Edgin and has the biggest arc of our party. Michelle Rodriguez is...okay without shamelessly fawning over a century for this woman, plays a powerhouse barbarian named Holga who is absurdly awesome, has a dry sense of humor, and an undying loyalty to Edgin. I am smitten. Justice Smith is our residential sorcerer Simon, bit of a klutz, has some awkwardness, but is a strong spell slinger. Sophia Lillis as a shapeshifting Tiefling named Doric I feel gets the least stuff to do but I like her character motivation to join the party and has some really cool moments peppered throughout so she is far from a waste. Daisy Head as Sofina, great villain in appearance but average in terms of scheme and I must admit red wizards were unknown to me in my research, but guys seriously? This woman who stares at you like she's from the fucking dark side, in a cloak, smoky eye to the max, and she wants you to break into a vault housing treasure of villains, none of this tipped you off?? Cause that would be a hard pass for me. But truthfully that's the only nitpick I got. The movie is really dang funny, in situation and dialogue with actors who have good timing, and it never feels unnecessary. The tone makes it all work, it projects a sense of fun, high stakes but not really heavy, adventurous feeling and delivers beautifully. It truly does feel like you are watching the visualization of a group of people playing the game, there are botches, good saving throws, proficiencies, getting loot and better weapons, it all feels legit. It works as a fantasy movie yes, you can walk in knowing jack shit about D&D and have some fun, but if you know your stuff it feels like an extension of that universe. And it feels like there is comraderie, group effort, and combining of skills which is the true spirit of the game. So it works well as a movie, it works well as an adaptation of the most popular role playing game in the world, and it no doubt can work well with sequels either following this party or going on a different quest with a new group. Nothing but 4 stars from me, 8.5/10, check it out even if you have just an ounce of interest. Dungeons & Dragons has been nothing but inevitable in my life, I've been hearing about this game since my teen years and I did the research and bought the books, and I may have gotten sidetracked and made my own character (A high elf warlock in league with an Elder God if you wanna know), but the interest is still there and I'm down for more. Hell I already bought the dice, I think I'm pretty much in at that point. Tune in next week for some adaptations of good old Nintendo games.

Dungeons And Dragons (2000)

I'm surprised I heard way more bad things about this.

Ah 2000, when fantasy was still considered box office bombs, CG quality was here and there, and Dungeons And Dragons was still underground. Apparently the director got the rights from TSR to make a Dungeons & Dragons movie but it took a decade to garner the necessary funds with mixed success. Considering this is based on a role playing game where anything can happen and there isn't necessarily a plot aside from campaign stories that could probably be adapted with ease, it gives a tremendous freedom of storytelling because you can make up any story, characters, and progression you want. Now though they sprinkle references of the game into the movie, the film does feel very fantasy standard which is a bit of a tricky double edged sword. How do you make a fantasy movie feel authentically D&D? Cause the whole basis and inspiration for it was classic fantasy literature like Tolkien and fairy tales, so it easily falls into this trap. But I did not hate the movie! I actually wonder how it got such a negative reputation because in all truth and honesty it's not bad. It has some elaborate and big sets with some neat period costuming and props with a good amount of practical effects. The acting can be a bit broad but mostly commited and decent even with Jeremy Irons being the best part of the movie period just chewing the scenery and milking the lines. The story is a bit cookie cutter where two thieves get embroiled in a political power struggle between an empress and a court mage, and they eventually meet a young lady sorcerer named Marina, a dwarf named Elwood, an elf named Norda, and have to contend with baddies on their trail as they search for a mystic relic which can help end the conflict. Now one thing I simply cannot forgive and what kind of makes this a bad D&D in one respect is, our party comes across several situations whether it be a deadly maze for a treasure, sneaking into an enemy castle, or trekking into a dungeon to complete the quest but the part that irks me so severely is only our main character Ridley does really any of it. And that's just so not Dungeons & Dragons, even to a hardcore newcomer like me, the point is to get a bunch of characters in a scenario and see what they do in a story sense, but in a real world sense the game has a tremendous community feeling where you and a group of friends combine your skills and knowledge to overcome problems in fun and interesting ways. It's just so...dull watching a thief maneuver a trap maze or dungeon crawl when the rest of the party sits it out! Have the sorcerer use spells to progress through the maze while the elf does a bunch of evasion parkour shit to avoid traps, have the dwarf slay monsters while the thief makes it to the treasure room for the relic, this isn't complicated stuff! I suppose it's a decent fantasy movie but a sub par D&D movie, and maybe that's why people hate this movie so. It's not a complete mess, there's just off things about it. Marlon Wayans is a weird ass casting decision for this movie as the comic relief Snails, but he's enjoying himself and not completely grating. Friggin' Jeremy Irons and Bruce Payne are the villains and that is a sight that must be seen, cause the movie gets real interesting when they are on screen. The dragons and bits of scenery are not great in the CGI department, but it ain't no Mortal Kombat Annihilation either, and it's just a means of telling the story so it's fine. Our heroes you could entirely argue the only ones worth a damn are Ridley and Marina and you would be right! I'm very split on this movie, cause it ain't bad but nor is it very good. Sooooo....average. 2.5 stars, 5.5/10. It's been 20 years, so let's see if the movie idea has aged like wine or milk next time.

8 Years In A Flash

I know I said it but I still don't feel great about it. But it's time. From now until the 9th year anniversary next year, I'm taking a major break from reviews. New movie reviews will come out, I actually have a little over a month of stuff coming out pretty much culminating on my birthday so this isn't goodbye. And who knows, madness may indeed strike and I shall briefly rise from my tomb in the month of October to talk more spooky goodness! But it's genuinely a lot to take in, as I stated in my Rings Of Power review I can't believe I've hit 1,000 reviews and now we're almost to 1,050 in just 8 years. It certainly doesn't feel like 8 years! Just holy crap I've done way more than I ever thought I was going to do, I was wondering if I was gonna keep going to 100 reviews let alone ten times that amount. I don't hate doing it, I couldn't quit if I tried, and even with the breaks I take each year I'm still working on a constant regular basis. As an individual with a great love for cinema and expressing yourself through writing, if you add autism and depression into any equation you're going to have a lot of mental balancing. I'm not even stressed over this show man, I keep up a pretty strict relax regiment on a daily basis to keep my mind limber and at peace, with great success. I'm not burned out I promise, I'm just taking several steps back and looking at the big picture and evaluating what I've done. And I've done a lot with plenty more still to do. The fact this website garners about 1,000 people a month who read any of my reviews blows my mind completely, from here in the States to Russia to Asia I've had some big attention shed on my work and I really fucking mean this when I say, thank you. I'm incredibly content with the number of folks who seek out an opinion of mine, completely counterculture and wild though they are! I don't get paid a dime for my work but I could care less. Would I absolutely love to make this my living? Of course! But I certainly ain't mad about dumping probably close to $5,000 give or take over the course of all these years for movies cause let's be honest here I got a track record of mostly good movies. And I genuinely feel I'm only now starting to become more critical, I've held the belief that my writing has only gotten better with time, and it is night and day between this year's reviews and my 2015 reviews. I also will continue to pursue to be an optimistic reviewer, and you can absolutely expect a much needed addition to the Evolutionary Viewing Of The Internet Critic next month for me to elaborate further on that point. I must admit something though man, I'm so thrilled I've been writing reviews because it terrifies me beyond belief I'm having a much harder time of remembering things now more than ever, it's very concerning cause I can somewhat describe the feelings I got from a certain film but not a great deal on details of the film itself. You know? The human mind can only hold so much information, and to be candid none of the information in my head is incredibly useful not unless I win a cash prize for a Star Wars quiz. Not to close out on a morbidly introsepctive note but people create things and do things to create an impression, a legacy after they die, something to be not only remembered for but just to show you were there at all. This is mine. Memento Mori. I will see you all next week for admittedly just 2 reviews to kinda set the pace for the future, but the fun will never end it's adventure time!

John Wick: Chapter 4

I really hate to say this but I don't feel this will be a competent review.

I was an absolute fool, and you can quote me on that, not taking the opportunity to do an In Retrospect of John Wick 3 because I am always on the level here and I speak plainly. I did not remember jack shit about the last 3 movies, I mean nothing. Nada. Zip. And...it's kinda friggin' pertinent information to have so it almost legitimately was like I walked into this movie without watching previous installments. Hell I re-read my old reviews to try to jog my memory and it didn't ring a bell, ding a bell, or ting a bell in my head. So I apologize profusely in advance, if I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about...yeah. So we pick up some time after Parabellum, John is still excommunicated, Winston and Charon are in hot water with the higher ups, and some bitch boy lieutenant apparently thinks he has John Wick's number. I don't remember if that guy was in the last movie, I think he was, but fuck that guy in this movie! He just irked me the right way that few villains can do, so props for that completely! Seeing Ian and Lance again in these roles was simultaneously joyous and bittersweet, I mean nobody could have foresaw Lance Reddick's unfortunate and very sudden passing and it just sucked man. Cause I greatly enjoyed his bits in these movies and now that's it. And of course Keanu back in the suit again (and I will talk about that suit I assure you), it's another fine outing for him and once more he relies on almost silent acting with few lines and lets his body language do the talking. And I gotta say, for an almost 3 hour film which didn't feel it's length, I greatly appreciate the not necessarily lack of action scenes but more the balance between action and quiet moments, I think I counted 5 action sequences total. Granted they are very lavishly choreographed, wonderfully even ingeniously shot at long stretches of time but never feeling dull. Yet the shining pieces of the movie are the beautiful, and I do truly mean beautiful, quiet, peaceful interludes that just worked wonders for me. Pay attention to that shit! But I also give my thanks for them just going all out and giving us an eastern sword duel with Donnie Yen and Hiroyuki Sanada and a western gun duel with Keanu, briefly settling into the rhythm and filmmaking of those genres as nothing but loving homage. However! Yell at me if you wish but was the bulletproof clothing in the last movie? I don't mean the fully decked out head to toe, nary an opening, straight up special forces armor. Oh no, I mean the fucking jump the shark, tailored, nice ass suits which are bulletproof. What. The fuck? I think I would recall something like that previously and shout bullshit! It makes zero goddamn sense both in universe and from a filmmaking perspective other than they needed an excuse to make the fight scenes longer. Well shit, how do we do that? What if we made our characters impervious like the last son of Krypton? My God, Johnson's done it again! And motherfuck, I said what I meant and I meant what I said, you do not fall 3 storeys onto a van and just walk that shit off. Bulletproof suit or not. It really kept taking me out of it. Now one scene that did not and if anything got my nerves skyrocketing is the staircase segment, where it's like the fucking Exorcist Steps × 100, just because of a ticking clock implemented. Well done on that! And even that ain't got shit on the Zelda shootout, you'll understand that reference when you see it classic gamers out there. I mean sweet Jesus that was a feat! I did actually expect the movie to end on an ambiguous note because I heard something about the director wanting to take a break before the next John Wick movie but it ends on a solid definitive note which thank you for that as well. So I don't know man, I'm stumped. Did I like it? A good deal yeah! But booooy howdy do I need to have me a little movie marathon once this hits video and re-evaluate my stance. But all in all I give it 3.5 stars, 8/10! And tomorrow is nothing but the beginning of the end or perhaps the end of the beginning.

Speed

Bit different from what I knew.

I'm not sure exactly how or why but Speed really got some cultural osmosis transference to me. I mean it is not a bad premise for a kind of thriller action summer movie, and yet there was a good deal I had no clue about. And I actually really really enjoy movies where you think you know the whole plot but then it surprises you! Gives you a bit more. So, set up. This is the city Los Angeles, California where we meet officers Jack and Harry who have to contend with a mad bomber on two seperate occasions, now I may be in a severe minority here but I greatly enjoyed the elevator setpiece more than the bus setpiece. Not only is it a really great way to start an action movie by basically giving you an action movie climax and resolution just as the beginning 25 minutes, but the way it was all put together with cinematography, dialogue, and the sequence of events worked for me tremendously. Is that to say the main plot of a bomb being placed on a bus rigged to blow if the speed limit drops below 50mph bad? Hell no! In fact it's truthfully been a long ass time since I have experienced flat out, no horseshit, on the edge of my seat tension and entertainment in my life. Yet I don't think I can explain why. It's almost stressful to watch when something awry happens, and that really goes to show what a good setpiece and production this was! And I got to applaud the living shit out of this production, cause if it's not 100% all real it's mighty damn close to it! I think I saw one model shot at the tail end, but all the crashes, maneuvers, and explosions are legit. The tone holds pretty solid realism for the most part and that adds to the excitement of the movie. Keanu does good here, he has enough to do and works as an officer so good on him. Dennis Hopper is your villain, I need not say more apart from the fact I would be scared shitless if I met that guy, and he is just that right flavor of fucking nuts in this movie. Sandra Bullock I'm a bit perplexed on how to word this but, I found her personality and acting endearing and kinda adorable. I don't know, just how she acted put a smile on my face, but that romance was bullllshit. Sorry, the movie would have worked better without it and it did not need it in the slightest. But that's a small gripe in a good movie. And yes I fully believe Jeff Daniels plays the same Harry in this as he does in Dumb & Dumber. Good times! All in all a pretty good movie, it has enough for me to call it great even, solid premise, very good execution, and has a lot of love for it even today. I give it 3.5 stars, 8/10! Will the 4th be the last for Mr. Wick? We'll find out next time.

Johnny Mnemonic

Probably one of Keanu's least recognized films but may have played some part in him getting The Matrix role.

Set in the far distant future of 2021 the world has kinda gone to shit, with the advancements of technology and augmentation a virus has spread across the world to an epidemic state with no cure or real discernable origin, as we meet Johnny a courier of data and information for hire using his brain as a hard drive when he gets a data package a bit too much for him in more ways than one, leading to it being a race to extract the data before his head completely blows a fuse. For a movie made in 1995 it called a few things right and crafts an interesting world that arguably could be said has further stories set in it, cause it's not too futuristic and cyberpunk. The cityscape is normal, nothing is presented as far out and highly futuristic, people just so happen to have cybernetic body parts. It truthfully really reminded me of Ghost In The Shell in terms of setting and tech, they even flat out have a line about the ghost in the machine, so the movie wears it's influence on it's sleeve and tells a competent story. Clocking in just over 90 minutes, it moves at a very good pace and doesn't overstimulate you with technobabble and a complex story but neither does it hold your hand throughout, sure some aspects of the plot are forced if not at warp factor 1 like the romance but it's a decent flick. Keanu is okay, I think this was still him trying to find his groove and honestly the best part is when he goes on this completely uncalled for and hilarious tirade near the end, but hey I'm not expecting groundbreaking acting in a 90s sci-fi film. Dina Meyer plays Jane, a lady who takes on the position of bodyguard for Johnny for a hefty sum, and I will say she is the better of our two leads but some deliveries are kinda off. I attribute that partly due to script, tone, and direction in equal parts. Dolph Lundgren looks like he's having some fun as this religious nutcase hitman, so that was fun! Ice-T I'm kinda wondering why he's in this but he ain't terrible, just oddly casted. The only thing the director had under his belt beforehand was one episode of Tales Of The Crypt, but in terms of cinematography, editing, and effects (though the effects are gloriously 90s when it comes to cyberspace) it looks pretty good. There's some atmosphere, dingy lived in sets, neat props, gnarly practical gore effects, and a few explosions. It's not bad! To be completely on the level though the only reason I knew of this movie to begin with was Spoony's review of the PC game, the premise sounded interesting so I figured why not spotlight a lesser known film of Keanu's career. It's not a great film but far from terrible, I think I could only solely recommend it for people who just want to see the futuristic tech bits, seeing Keanu in a movie before The Matrix but after Bill & Ted, and wonder why in the hell aren't we surfing the world wide web in the most overcomplicated yet bitchin' way possible? 2.5 stars, 6/10, and we're hitting the mainstream next time.

Shazam Fury Of The Gods

I felt they were quite deliberate in showing little for this movie.

The only things I knew going was Helen Mirren and Lucy Liu were the baddies, there was a dragon involved, and....Captain Marvel's suit turned a bit black. Not much to go on but I'm happy to report I really liked the movie! I even will say I liked it better than the first with this movie doing what a good sequel should, expanding the world, furthering the characters, and progressing the plot. So we pick up some time after the first, it's stated Billy will be 18 in a few months but I truthfully can't remember his age in the first film so forgive me on that, but Billy has become a bit of a control freak trying to corral and focus the family's efforts as a group when two ancient gods have a quarrel with a familiar wizard in this world and conflict of course arises. Now I will state the control freak thing isn't given much weight in the story, it's no character arc part two for Billy, so the movie primarily goes business as usual for a superhero film. You get your fights, learning bits about the villains, seeing some creature fodder, and a higher stakes scenario for the family to resolve. One aspect I oh so wish they delved much deeper into is the goddesses have a deep rooted hatred for the wizard because he used the staff to actually steal the gods powers and thusly caused their realm to crumble, because that is a cool ass story where this benevolent figure who creates heroes did some shitty things that could be construed as evil, kinda forcing the idea of you're the villain in someone else's story and not always a good guy, but it's barely touched. However the dynamic between our antagonists are interesting when it's revealed the duo is actually a triumvirate of trouble and none fully get along with the other, it gives some interesting dynamic and good characterization. But the same aspect of inner dynamic didn't transfer well to our Shazam fam, they're much the same except for Freddie and Mary who just want to do their own thing with their own lives. It's not badly written or anything but it's just the status quo, but I can appreciate that. Not every superhero film has to keep pushing the envelope and craft a deep emotionally complex story so that doesn't bother me greatly. The stuff the movie actually gives besides a few groaner lines hither and thither, is good stuff! Now that Zachary Levi has room to spread his wings more, he projects a lot more personality and still captures that teen awkwardness. Jack Dylan Grazer, the friggin' MVP of this whole damn movie, screw Billy Badass Freddie Badass is where it's really at and he kicks ass throughout! Helen Mirren and Lucy Liu are actually pretty intimidating from the word go, especially in their opening scene and the fact they never drop to the level of quips and humor helps tremendously. We don't see much of the kids until near the end but I applaud them for not recasting anybody to increase the continuity. And it's official Meagan Good is my favorite of the family hands down, never to be topped, I cannot get over her adorable and fun personality. She saves kittens before humans, that is a girl who knows her priorities and lives rent free in my heart of hearts. Of course the acting is good from all our major players, some of them bringing their A-game acting, and I bring more good news! Mary, still a babyface. Thank the gods. The CG has improved, giving us a bounty of fantastical creatures beyond a Godzilla wannabe dragon, blue fire breath is still neat though, and any fan of greek myth will have a smile on their face. I really have no clue what the future holds for all these movies releasing this year, we still got Flash and Aquaman but I sense this is probably gonna be their last bow. I hope not! But my pessimistic side is outweighing my optimistic side profusely. Nothing lasts forever. And on that somber bombshell it is time to end, I still very much enjoyed the movie and I give it 3 stars, 7.5/10! Thank you so much for joining another week of rambles and reviews, and next week we're diving back in time for some Keanu action before John Wick 4.