Super Mario Bros. (1993)

This is gonna be hard to rate.

I almost don't know what to say about this movie considering it's been talked about enough since the movie came out and even more so when internet critics became popular, so all it comes down to is my opinion. Now the idea of a Mario movie doesn't sound difficult even despite the sheer lack of story in the games at that point and quite frankly beyond, so I genuinely do appreciate what they did and what they were trying to do. Seeing Mario and Luigi as plumbers from Brooklyn works really well, and they feel real enough so that when the weird shit happens they don't just immediately roll with it and have a solid course of action. True the whole parallel dimension thing is a bit odd but how would they have introduced all the fantastical stuff? That's kinda the problem with this movie, it's really not a clean cut good/bad kind of film, it's a mixed bag of good stuff, perplexing stuff, and interesting stuff. I feel it almost has to be a split rating, what do you think of it as a movie and what do you think of it as an adaptation of a game? So let's dig in a bit. The story or more the set up for the story is hit and miss, with the Mario brothers going about their normal business when they meet a young girl named Daisy with a mysterious origin and not long after that she gets kidnapped so they go after her. And then it gets weird, falling through a dimensional fissure they emerge in the city of Dinohattan where all residents naturally evolved from reptiles instead of apes led by the tyrannical Koopa who has plans to invade our dimension to further his kingdom so the boys gotta get back Daisy, thwart Koopa, and somehow get back home. Not a horrible story on paper, and the logistics and worldbuilding they do may be considered too realistic but I feel it helps the movie's style and tone. Dinohattan is a mish mash of Blade Runner, Mad Max, with an unhealthy overdose of fungus and the script thinking of what if there was a world with reptiles but no mammals. So they did put effort into crafting this world and thinking it out. There's no fossil fuels so everything including the cars are electric, there's no furs or much cloth for clothing so it's mostly leather, the denizens move more like dinosaurs and aren't completely evolved to look like homosapiens. All those neat touches add to the score and it's genuinely a world I would want to see evolve through more movies. The characters are defined well enough with good acting and decent chemistry I found with some offbeat things about it but nothing bad. The effects are really really good actually, again going back to a time where CGI was used only when necessary so the vehicles, props, Goombas, Yoshi, and stunts were legit! You cannot prove to me otherwise that Yoshi is real and alive, it's right there breathing and moving in front of your eyes! The music's okay but it's got some good tracks that I enjoy. With so many good points you'd think why exactly do people hate this movie yet I know the friggin' answer. The production was a nightmare and I can pin this down to two sources, the directors and the studio. The studio wanted something more kid friendly and colorful while the directors who were a married couple wanted to give it some edge and not just make a kids movie. Not horrible intentions of course, but how the actual production went, in particular the shooting, made the project into a shit show. Constant daily rewrites, the directors not communicating the schedule and what they had to get shot, rushed in editing, and emotions ran high. It really sucked reading that Bob and John were utterly miserable on the set to where they had to drink heavily just to make it through, cause I do like their performances and the energy they bring when working in tandem together. They genuinely are decent in the lead roles, I like the romances they have with Daniella and Daisy respectively, that's not a bad element to the story. Dennis Hopper as Koopa, weird ass choice but he accepted, and unfortunately doesn't get to go batshit but I can't truthfully say he sucked in this either. Of course you got your little references and easter eggs and those are cool, I totally want a wind up Bob-Omb! And you know maybe, just maybe, I'm being nice because I was a fan of this movie when I was young but I also haven't watched it in about 15 years and I'm just calling it as I see it. Regardless of what you think about the quality of it, it's a fascinating little movie. The fact that whatever momentum it had going for it was completely nuked by the release of Jurassic Park just 2 weeks later in and of itself is crazy. The 90s man, the fuck was with this decade and dinosaurs?? I was a dinosaur kid for a lot longer than most other kids, we're talking from like 98 or 99 all the way to about 2004, all due to this decade's fascination with these legendary extinct creatures. But the movie has a fanbase that seems to be growing bit by bit over three decades since it's release with some individuals finding a print with many deleted scenes and made a pretty packed Blu-Ray from what I've heard. And yeah, you're gonna have to buy that Blu-Ray. Why? Because this movie is on zero streaming platforms, you either need to own it on home video or be like me and taped it off Starz in the early 2000s and you still have your VHS of it all these years later. It's the only true way to watch it in my opinion. So what's the score here? As an adaptation of a Mario game, of which there were about 4 console games at that point, I'd give it a 6/10. But just as a movie all by itself, I'm gonna give it a 7/10. It's really not that bad, just a bit odd in how it came to be. And if you really need a second opinion of it, Shigeru Miyamoto the creator of the Mario series, stated that the movie may have been a little too close to the games and focused on being a video game movie instead of just a fun movie on it's own. Maybe he's just being nice too, but I don't doubt the man himself. So 30 years have passed, video game movies are at a better standing now than they ever were, so what will the new movie accomplish? Will it just be a 90 minute cutscene from the new games, or will it have something going for it? Well I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, I haven't heard the Mario voice or any voice for that matter. See you tomorrow.

Speed

Bit different from what I knew.

I'm not sure exactly how or why but Speed really got some cultural osmosis transference to me. I mean it is not a bad premise for a kind of thriller action summer movie, and yet there was a good deal I had no clue about. And I actually really really enjoy movies where you think you know the whole plot but then it surprises you! Gives you a bit more. So, set up. This is the city Los Angeles, California where we meet officers Jack and Harry who have to contend with a mad bomber on two seperate occasions, now I may be in a severe minority here but I greatly enjoyed the elevator setpiece more than the bus setpiece. Not only is it a really great way to start an action movie by basically giving you an action movie climax and resolution just as the beginning 25 minutes, but the way it was all put together with cinematography, dialogue, and the sequence of events worked for me tremendously. Is that to say the main plot of a bomb being placed on a bus rigged to blow if the speed limit drops below 50mph bad? Hell no! In fact it's truthfully been a long ass time since I have experienced flat out, no horseshit, on the edge of my seat tension and entertainment in my life. Yet I don't think I can explain why. It's almost stressful to watch when something awry happens, and that really goes to show what a good setpiece and production this was! And I got to applaud the living shit out of this production, cause if it's not 100% all real it's mighty damn close to it! I think I saw one model shot at the tail end, but all the crashes, maneuvers, and explosions are legit. The tone holds pretty solid realism for the most part and that adds to the excitement of the movie. Keanu does good here, he has enough to do and works as an officer so good on him. Dennis Hopper is your villain, I need not say more apart from the fact I would be scared shitless if I met that guy, and he is just that right flavor of fucking nuts in this movie. Sandra Bullock I'm a bit perplexed on how to word this but, I found her personality and acting endearing and kinda adorable. I don't know, just how she acted put a smile on my face, but that romance was bullllshit. Sorry, the movie would have worked better without it and it did not need it in the slightest. But that's a small gripe in a good movie. And yes I fully believe Jeff Daniels plays the same Harry in this as he does in Dumb & Dumber. Good times! All in all a pretty good movie, it has enough for me to call it great even, solid premise, very good execution, and has a lot of love for it even today. I give it 3.5 stars, 8/10! Will the 4th be the last for Mr. Wick? We'll find out next time.

Blue Velvet

My first official David Lynch review, but not my first of his movies. That goes to The Elephant Man.

I'm actually really pleased with this movie. It was friggin' weird at times but I'm so happy to have seen it. Set in an idyllic North Carolina town a young man named Jeffery finds a severed ear and soon gets roped into a bizzare plot of kidnappings, sex, and batshit situations and characters. It's a wild trip, and I can't even imagine the audience reactions in 1986. Hell the producer Dino De Laurentiis had such faith in Lynch and the film that he repurposed a production company to distribute the film because no major studio would come near the thing, that is something you can't say about a lot of people in the film industry nowadays, that's pretty grand. The critical reception didn't really start strong until well after the film was released, but strictly on a first viewing basis I very much enjoyed it. I like the whole 50s aesthetic they present in terms of visuals and music, this isn't the first time a film has presented a perfect small town with a dark underbelly but they handle it very well and the music is very jazzy noir-ish centered which you know I'm a sucker for. I think the performances is what really sells the movie, though of course the story and direction are really dang good. Kyle MacLachlan is a very good lead and juggles the weird mix of emotions pretty much flawlessly, Isabella Rossellini has that perfect edge of vulnerability and I'll give major props to anyone who can go full nude cause I certainly wouldn't have the heart for that I mean talk about bravery, friggin' Laura Dern is in this movie which came out of left field but I'm so damn happy to see her in any movie she's a total cutie in this and I simply adore her, oh my God we get to talk about Dennis Hopper now. Dude. Dude. Whoa. There's no words to describe his performance, it's...um, wow. If ever there were a reason to see this movie, he's it. Wild. They handle the mystery good too, like you're never really sure who's in on it and who's not. Are the cops corrupt and maybe aiding the kidnappers? Maybe. Is there gonna be a heel turning character? Who knows? Will evil win the day in a downer ending? Have to see it for yourself. It's a fine movie, never trying to be more than it is but still having that unmistakeable David Lynch quality to it. 4 stars, 8/10, and I'm so getting the title theme for this movie!

Well it's that time again my friends. A new movie based on a Universal Monster hits theaters this Friday, and while my Dark Universe may be dead and buried no one's ever really gone...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

This movie is so bizzare. And the first movie was already bizzare enough!

So Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is the sequel to the classic, with Tobe Hooper in the director's chair yet again. It must be said this is by no means whatsoever a serious film, it harbors on a spoof and I think Tobe knew damn well he couldn't top the first so he just went crazy and had fun with it in this movie. Caroline Williams is our major star here, and my God you wanna crown a scream queen look no further. I love Caroline Williams in this movie, because she screams her lungs out and you want her to win. The plot is very difficult to describe believe it or not, it basically follows Stretch played by Caroline as the Sawyer family, our favorite family of cannibalistic psychopaths randomly pick her as their next victim. Meanwhile, Dennis Hopper is tracking the Sawyer's down, in the most insane, scenery chewing way possible and it all culminates in a frantic climax with an ending that will leave you wondering, what the actual hell did I just watch? This is a good movie, not heard or watched by many but boy howdy does it have it's fans. I can certainly see the appeal and I in no way can compare it to the first, because it's just a totally different beast. The humor is prevalent and made me laugh often, but for a horror comedy there's 2 scenes which are very difficult to watch because of just how horrifying it is, I mean this is just a weird movie. You gotta have a real twisted sense of humor and an open mind to enjoy this movie. I'm glad I saw it, and I can greatly appreciate what it tried to do, and Caroline Williams who is 80 different flavors of awesome and gorgeous make it a treat to watch. By no means for everybody, but if you want something different, this is a prime place to start.

Okay, next two weeks are gonna be busy where we look at two of the most recognizable and well made horror series from England.