Eclipse

Yep I was right! I hate being right about bad movies!!

Nothing happens in this movie. A conflict is resolved that has no major standing or satisfying conclusion and the movie ends where it practically began. That is not good storytelling! How do you do that? How do you have a movie about a small underground vampire army led by loose end Victoria from movie number 1 waging war on the Cullens, forcing them to team up with the wolves and take them out, and make it the most boring shit and completely irrelevant story I have ever seen in my life? Two major developments happen in this movie, Edward asks Bella to marry him after what, 3 years at best of dating(?) and the redhead gets out of the picture and both takes over an hour and a half to complete. So what you might ask happens in the intervening hour and a half? Not much! We still get brief glimmers of good characters and moments but we still revert to melodrama bullshit that would be laughed off the Lifetime channel. We get a tiny bit more lore about the werewolves which is infinitely interesting and could be it's own movie, I genuinely like how there is this great sense of family and loyalty within the pack which I liked. Further backstory is given to a few of the Cullens, both of which is interesting and even a bit enlightening almost as if the writer said, oh yeah we have other characters of this family and we don't know much about them so let's give them some story. And it's good stuff! It's original, and fascinating, and even a bit emotional stuff that we desperately needed more of in this series. I refuse to call it a saga, I will not insult your intelligence like that or my own. There's actually some hilarious dialogue from our three main leads, yet again showing how the dialogue could be more dynamic and fun, but it's so few in such a long movie. I do not like these characters very much, Bella is harboring on sociopathic and completely refuses to listen to EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER telling her that her decisions could and will have consequences and that maybe she should sleep on the whole vampire thing. But no. As stubborn as a bull. And the fact she has the...ovaries to just make out with Jacob not 20 feet away from her future husband that I'm pretty sure every woman in the theater watching that scene had their hands down their pants, but whatever. Class act as ever Bella!! Edward is surprisingly okay even though he gets catty with Jacob every two seconds, but I like the talk they have near the end and just kinda hash things out and are kind of okay with one another, that was a nice change of pace, they don't duke it out they just talk. But Jacob, ooh boy, Jacob gets a little creepy. I'm talking obsessed, stalker, kinda rape-y creepy, it may not be for that long but Jesus fish it still happened and it's...off putting shall we say. It just has issues that could be fixed and salvaged and to add insult to injury there is always a few good things in each movie, whether they be cute little moments like the fact Charlie and Alice chit chat for awhile and they seem to get along really well. Like can I just get a movie where we see the day to day stuff of everybody besides our love triangle? I would pay to see a movie where Charlie pals around with his friends, goes to bars, fishes and hunts, and just get a little slice of his life. Or you know, getting a collage of all the Cullen's backstories and major defining moments of their lives. There is so many little gems of just good moments, and writing, and characters it boggles my mind how we end up with this. You tied up a loose end and set up a wedding. Yippee. And you know what? Stephanie Meyer ended the series with this. No seriously, this was how it was supposed to end, but people clearly did not like it just sort of ending more abruptly than The Sopranos so they wanted a real ending. Well sometimes you better be careful of what you wish for, cause now I have not one but two movies to review, and I don't want to ffff***ing watch them!! Cause we couldn't wrap it up in one movie, we had to rip off Harry Potter and do the last story in two parts! I'm gonna break something, I am so frustrated, this is gonna degrade fast into an hours long rant I need to stop.

Home stretch people, we'll see if I make it.

New Moon

What am I doing with my life?

I could be doing anything with my life. I could learn how to write in calligraphy, I could start writing on my movie script, I could be watching better movies! But no. We're talking about New Moon. There is no forgiving sentence like for the first Twilight movie, I got fed up with this movie before the 30 minute mark and I can pin 90% of the films issues on a single character. Yes, we get to delve into the disturbing psyche of Bella Swan. Oh my God, this girl. Hang on I gotta go point by point in the story briefly so we can have context for the criticism. Okay so movie starts up, and Bella is having dreams that she will grow old and frail while Edward will stay his pasty fruity self forevermore. Okay, is that not essentially what having a mid-life crisis is? And she's having it at the very mature age of eighteen! Lady are you serious? I know high school teenage girls can be kind of vain but this....this is some next level f***ery. Oh and major props to the subtle allegory of this story and Romeo And Juliet which is already fundamentally wrong on every level, because 1. Romeo And Juliet is a tragedy, not a love story. Read the damn book. 2. It's Shakespeare and actually has prose, and meaning, and not mind numbing character motivation. And 3. It has no deeper meaning in this story. It's just a school assignment. So what even is the damn point? Ugh, anyway where was I? Okay, so it's Bella's birthday and she has a small party at the Cullen's house and somehow has the mother of all paper cuts from opening a present to the point where it's dripping onto their carpet and totally sets off Jasper, one of the newer members of the family. And what follows made me laugh so hard I couldn't believe it. So Edward sees this coming and gives the most first class, most absent minded palm strike to Bella I have ever seen. He's like, oh damn I need to get Bella out of danger, then pushes her so hard I'm amazed she didn't go through the damn wall and slams into plate glass and absolutely shreds her arm. Good judgement call Edward. So this leads Edward to believe he cannot protect Bella from anything so he brings her to the middle of the woods and tells her him and his family are leaving, totally either forgetting or apathetic to the fact that Victoria from the last movie, creepy James' girlfriend is hunting Bella. Just completely gives up. Great boyfriend material. And then the film just....stops, for like 2/3rds of the movie. Bella becomes completely helpless until the end of the movie, honestly you think Edward poisoned her by how she's shuddering and gasping for breath in the woods and nearly dies from exposure. This is where Bella gets insufferable. She trances out, she sits in a chair and the camera circles her as three months pass and it feeeeels like 3 months, just melodrama bullshit. She wakes up screaming in pain because the heartbreak is that real man, and all I have to say is I have lost people in my life, people I have lost for the rest of my life and meant more than the world to me and even I did not do that. What the ass. Oh my God I nearly forgot about the best part! Bella is so driven insane by grief, like full on Macbeth hallucinatory grief and sees these ghostly images of Edward, like straight up Obi-Wan Kenobi in smoke and mist....and she's okay with that. She literally says in the movie "Maybe I have gone crazy, and I'm okay with that.". This is amazing. And the film on repeated instances calls her out on how batshit crazy and stupid she is. Both Anna Kendrick and Alice call her insane, an adrenaline junkie, and an idiot! Do you see why they are my favorite characters in this entire series? Like sweet Jesus I could bitch for hours about her but we got other stuff to talk about. I will say this, since the vampires are absent for the majority of this film we get a new supernatural presence in Forks, we get werewolves and I actually like how the movie takes the time to get to know them a bit, how their order works, defining characteristics, it's not bad stuff. But jeez does Jacob suffer in this movie, I didn't talk about him in the last movie cause he didn't have that much a part to play in it, so it's his proper and permanent introduction in this movie. But what sucks is he goes from this very nice, kind, even a bit dorky kid to this controlling and aggresive son of a bitch. It's like every good thing the first movie had going for it gets completely screwed over. To further prove my point of tinkering with the story and making it better for the movies, you could have Jacob be a real upstanding, very nice, very caring friend, just a swell guy to everyone in town who always hangs out with Bella and is her one and only true friend. Then Edward would be going through some troubling times and has to leave to take some time for himself, leaving Bella for a short time and she confides in Jacob who's a very supportive friend but loves her to where he respects her choices. Unlike him being a creepy controlling love rival in this movie. And could further this conflict because he gets very angry and kinda bloodthirsty because of his werewolf instincts and persona. Kinda like that other werewolf movie, what was it called? It had a really nice guy who was inflicted with this terrible curse and became a bloodthirsty monster who could hurt or kill his loved ones and family, hmmm I think it was called....Howling 2. Hell it could be a great sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type deal as well! It could really work if they actually did something. Again, you could keep the plot points but better the story and characters. The romance is even more sick inducing and unwarranted in this movie than the last 15 or so minutes of Twilight. It just seems like a shallow relationship, with Bella not wanting to age, constantly trailing along these boys, and becoming a total nutjob that I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable around. Like how codependent and worthless are you without having a guy around? This concept doesn't even work with the stock harlequin romance novels with you know, this young lady tempted by these two mysterious kinda studly guys and has to choose between them, because the characters are so bent ass backwards and done so poorly it's a slog to get through. The one shining star besides Billy Burke of course is Michael Sheen as this I guess elder vampire of like this cult thing(?) called the Volturi. Okay. He is great! He is campy fun, very much in the vein of Zuse in Tron Legacy and it's like he knows what movie he is in and decides to just have a ball and relish the scenery chewing cause he is a blast! But it ain't enough to save this movie. I see what they were attempting to do, to broaden the world, give the second piece of the love triangle some weight and standing, and deepen the so called romance of our two leads. But it fails spectacularly. I can appreciate what they tried to do with giving the werewolves you know this sort of mythos but it didn't go deeper with it, if memory serves it goes a bit more into their world in the book but it has been considerable time since last I read those novels but you know, sticky star for trying. Like if Twilight was just this one off movie based on a popular book and they just left it at that, this would not be that bad a problem. It would just be an average, harmless, decent movie of it's time and nothing more. But every sequel keeps digging deeper and deeper into the septic tank and I dread the next movie because I don't think a damn thing happens in it. Which is saying a lot after this movie!! Oh my God I spent money on this movie, I'm gonna throw up.

Twilight

This is going to be a rough week.

I tried. I really, really tried to put this off for a long time. I was hoping I could get about 10 years of reviews done before I have to do the Twilight but clearly life had different plans. I am going to be honest the movie wasn't as bad as I remembered, it's been close to 8 if not 9 years since I last saw this movie and I can really say it's the "best" of the series if I can classify it as that, it goes downhill fast after this movie but honestly the movie isn't roll in the aisle hilarious or face palming ridiculous or enraging. It's okay. It has issues here and there but truthfully it's the most tolerable movie of the lot. I don't even think I need to recall plot here, you know what this is about, Bella Swan the most pale chick from Arizona you will ever meet goes to Forks, Washington and lives her everyday average teenage life when she meets the mysterious and very mood swinging Edward Cullen and a relationship that will border on sociopathic in future films blossoms. And you know what I noticed in this movie? I think the films should have kinda done their own thing, stick kinda close to the books but ultimately do different things with it. I did read the books before I saw the movies cause I had to find out what the hell everybody was talking about, and the books are okay, they're not terrible or poorly written like a, ahem, other book series. I'm gonna be honest the relationship between Edward and Bella when they are friends is surprisingly likeable! They talk, make jokes, it's a nice beginning but gets swallowed up by this romance nonsense. If they spent practically two movies with them just being friends, kinda giving signs that they really like each other and near the end of the second movie they were a couple, I really wouldn't have much to bitch about! They work better as friends, they actually have stuff to talk about and do rather than be a couple and be the most boring thing I ever seen on the screen. And that's the big problem with Twilight, I cracked the code people! I figured it out! We need to believe the romance of these people and it happens way, way too fast. By the end of this movie Bella has totally made up her mind and is willing to sacrifice her friends and family to be a bloodsucking monster of the night and that her romance with Edward is one in a million and simply meant to be but you haven't earned that. They went on like 2 dates, she met his family, he took her to prom and that's kinda it. That is all it takes for you to love someone for all eternity as vampires?? No! Now if they treated it like a real romance and started off as friends, and they got to know each other, talk about what they like, do stuff together it could have been a much stronger romance, which is what they kinda do in the movie. In fact, if you just look at this movie as a girl meets a guy that she doesn't really get and like uncovers this mystery about him while being friends that he is in fact a vampire, and she is totally cool with that and still continues being friends with him...the movie is actually really not that bad. Hell they really play up the mystery of this town, you get told legends and get hints here and there about the truth of this guy so it really banks on the fact that you have no idea that Twilight involves vampires. So there's quite a bit that the movie does well but then it gets buried by melodrama bullshit in future movies. And there is some stuff I really like about the movie, though the movie has a very cold look and the colors seem a bit washed out, I like the locations whether indoors or outdoors in this town, the forests are very dark and misty kinda giving a classic horror movie vibe to it, I really dig the architecture of the Cullen home it's very modern and quite nice. I kinda like the casting, even in the case of Robert Pattinson yeah sure he gets a bit emo from time and the mood swings he has even gets Bella a bit aggitated but then there's scenes where he can crack a joke and it isn't painful or when he introduces Bella to his family he kinda gives this look of, okaaaay I'm gonna get Bella away from you weirdos because you're embarassing a little bit. Even though we have ever so slight warning signs like how he really likes watching Bella sleep. Mhm. He's fine. He's fine. It's fine. He's fine. This is fine. He's fine. There's no issues here. It's fine! But anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I may or may not have a crush on Alice played by Ashley Greene. Oh God, I've said too much. I may have gone too far in a few places. But uh, yeah, moving on. The rest of the Cullen family is nice, granted they don't have much to do but good actors regardless and they totally got Bella's back when shit goes down, so hey that's family for you. The vampire who takes a very unpleasant interest in Bella, James I'm not gonna lie is actually really friggin' creepy. Good job to Cam Gigandet, dude you did good. I would not feel safe just standing near this guy, so major props to the acting. Oh and the best actor to grace every movie, Billy Burke! My man. He's a joy to watch, he plays Bella's dad Charlie and though he has to put up with a lot in this series he's still kinda the best part of the movies. But my sweet Anna Kendrick nooooo!! Get out, there's still time, you are too good an actress for this series! You can do more than dumb valley girl, you were in Up In The Air! So that's kinda sad but it's nice to see her anyway. What else? The soundtrack is decent, actual score is a bit lackluster but the pop tracks aren't all terrible and it got Paramore more attention, by the way you should totally check out their albums they may be my favorite band and I am not apologizing for that. Ummmm, I think that's it. So it's not an abomination or blight upon cinematic history, it's an okay movie. It certainly could have been done better, like really from the hospital scene onwards I really started to hate Bella which frightens me more than anything that I'm gonna have to watch New Moon tomorrow. Oh Jesus, someone pray for me.

The Happening

Ohhh my lord this was bad.

First off, if you saw this movie as like a legit, we're going to the movies and watching The Happening I am so, so sorry. If you unironically wanted to see this movie and did so I wish to apologize cause whoo boy this is a rough movie to sit through. The absolutely hilarious bad acting can only do so much and that is the only reason somebody would see this movie unless you were a person like me and actually had to talk about it. I wasted four dollars that I am never getting back on this ****ing movie. You know what? I lied. Nobody ever, would watch this movie just to see how bad it truly is or to get a laugh out of the performances. That is what YouTube is for! You can watch whatever scene you want and you have seen The Happening. I know I have to talk about this movie but I reeeeally do not want to. I mean what in God's name can you say about it? Well...besides that's it's comically bad. The plot is not bad really, just based solely on a catastrophe that affects human beings into commiting suicide is not a bad plot. If you got a better script, and better input from a different director, this movie would be passable. Someone could easily remake The Happening and make it good. You do not even need to spend a cent on the effects of the antagonist! It's wind. Marky Mark has to outrun the wind because you see the plants have gotten sick of our shtick and have concocted an airborne pathogen specially for us. The logic is staggering. You could make these characters likable and have them not talk like space aliens trying desperately to fit in on Earth. You can create a better twist! You could follow the movie scene by scene, and just change names and dialogue and whabam! Decent movie. Who dropped the ball on this production? Well the easy answer is Shyamalan because he produced, directed, and wrote the damn thing but it goes deeper than that. Someone was on set that fateful day where Marky Mark utters the line, "Whaat? Nooo." and the director said cut, perfect and they did not raise concern or ask questions or do anything to fix this issue. So really the blame cannot be solely put on the director's shoulders. Everybody done goofed up! Okay? Do not watch this movie. Watch like 2 or 3 clips on YouTube, or watch the Nostalgia Critic's review and have yourself a ball. I am going to drink myself to sleep, I'll see you next week!

Plan 9 From Outer Space

I think I've seen worse.

For decades the reputation of this movie and Ed Wood himself has been the crowning achievement of bad movies, but has the king been toppled from his throne? In this humble critic's view yes. In 1959 and the subsequent decades, there wasn't a masterpiece of shlock like Plan 9, but now....I don't know, I feel kinda jaded when it comes to bad movies to the point where Plan 9 is utterly a less than okay movie. When a movie has a 4/5 star rating on Amazon, and most of the user reviews on IMDB rate this above an 8, there might be something there. But the whole time I watched the movie I was underwhelmed kind of. The acting is average if a bit off from time to time, the sets are basic, the editing is screwy when it goes from day to night to the point where I came up with a not altogether untrue theory about a cemetry shrouded in forever darkness, the plot is weird concerning aliens ressurecting the earth's dead in some odd half baked plan to get humanity from creating a weapon that will destroy the universe. I have no idea why they are creating zombies in order to solidify galactic peace, and it does make you wonder what the hell the other 8 failed plans were. But of course the solution to everything including peaceful negotiations to save the literal universe is violence, no really the humans hear all this then proceed to exploit the alien's weakness of american fists and blow their ship up! Oh, and don't forget the blatant sexism towards women, because all they are good for is baby and sandwhich making. The 50s, Grease lied to you!! But anyway, it's just average. Maybe I wasn't in the right mood but I've watched Bride Of The Monster, another Ed Wood movie and I greatly enjoyed the so bad it's good quality. With this, I noticed the off shots and cheap effects but didn't really glance twice at the less than good elements of the movie. Is it because I've seen chunks of this movie time and time again in conjecture with the Tim Burton movie so I just can't really bring myself to hate the movie? Or is it the fact I've seen movies that I think are far worse to the point I get blood boiling pissed off? A bit of both, I've never seen a movie so laughably bad before, or at least not yet. I do not laugh at bad movies, I get hostile. Bleeding Steel was an odd movie, completely in it's own world, but was so unapologetically bizzare that it was hard not to enjoy and laugh at the absurdness. I still do not think that is a bad movie, I don't know what it is beyond one of the most entertaining movies I've seen in my life. So Plan 9 fell flat for me, and I know it has a cult fanbase and holds a place in movie history but it is by no means the "worst movie ever". I've seen worse in my time, but you can watch both the movie and the Rifftrax of the movie on Amazon right now, so maybe you can enjoy this movie one way or another, vastly more than me. I give it a solid 2 stars, smack dab in the middle.

Next time though, we go straight to more modern movies with a sterling example of cinematic atrocity, Marky Mark play us out.

Manos The Hands Of Fate

Oh yeah, we are starting this right.

Where does one even begin with Manos...The Hands Of Fate? It's bad. But it's that special kind of bad that must be truly seen to be believed. It is so hard to talk about, just to describe the movie beyond basic plot is an exercise in both futility and madness. A family wanders the countryside and stumbles upon some devil worshipping cult and try to escape. Now based on that summary, this could be an okay movie, like if you got a decent cast and crew Manos could be easily remade and be way more effective. I mean I guess I can't be too rough on the movie (sort of), it started as a bet between a location scout and a literal Texas manure salesman who said he could make a horror movie for $19,000 alone, no professional help or anything, just him and whoever he could hire for cast and crew without going over budget. And the production barriers did not stop there, so the film already had a budget so low that it makes Halloween look like Transformers, but then you add the facts that the camera was a handheld super 8 camera that could shoot about 30 seconds of film at a time, had no sound so everyone had to be dubbed and boy did that work well, no lighting beyond probably a lamp that could illuminate the hood of your car, and no real sets, so the movie was already kind of a doomed project from square one. The actors solidify this fact. I mean God, I know they are amateur actors and never done a bit of acting ever but lord is it not good. Best actor hands down is Tom Neyman who plays The Master and he wins by default just by trying! The husband is hilarious, constantly brushing off every concern his wife has. The wife is the most whiny, complaining, worthless without a man character I have ever seen probably in my life. She gets old fast. The daughter is.....ah. She's just sort of there. And there is this weird, I guess you could call it a subplot if you got a lobotomy and claimed lobsters were your guardians, of this couple that sits in a car on the side of a road and just suck face. I am dead sucking ferious. It cuts from the main story to these two people that have absolutely nothing to contribute to the plot just getting to second, third base, I don't know maybe the outfield and that's it. Manos! The Hands Of Fate! And of course we have Torgo. Dear sweet Torgo. What can you say about him? Beyond the fact that the actor was utterly tripping balls on acid the whole shoot and very sadly died before the movie even premiered. Now I must give credit, I do not think I could recite any dialogue if I was on acid, I would probably be raving about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car, so dedication to your work like that at least gets you brownie points. And I even have a bit of respect for the director, he freely admitted this was a terrible movie to the point where at the premiere in El Paso, yes Manos was filmed in my home state and I will never go to El Paso again, the cast and director bailed. They got out of there so they would not have to face the crowd at the end of the movie. Wow. Even Tommy Wiseau and Ed Wood stuck around till the end. But you know what, I actually read up on a bit of trivia that made me respect the movie just a smidge. The premiere of the movie had portions of the ticket sales go to a cerebral palsy fund, what little profit the film made went to a good cause to help people with a debilitating condition. Shit I wish all bad movies did things like that, yeah you payed to see Twilight but hey a quarter of the profits go to cancer research, that's not a bad thing in my eyes at all! And I'm going to be honest, watching Manos actually made my day. I had a terrible day but you know, I got out of work, grabbed some food, and watched the Mystery Science Theater episode with Manos. That is not a bad way to end the day. Like if you have a bad day turn that on, it really does make your day worthwhile! So yeah, it's a bad movie but it can't be outright despised. You can have fun with this movie. Which is less than I can say for the movies yet to come this month. Tune in next time for Ed Wood's grand opus.

Castle In The Sky

Oh my God this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!!

Now to clear this up beforehand, Castle In The Sky is in fact the first Studio Ghibli movie. Now Nausicaa did come out first but Studio Ghibli wasn't formed at that point, the production company was alled Topcraft but it is still part of their library. It's a bit confusing. So if you want to be truly accurate Castle In The Sky is the first official movie of the legendary studio and it is glorious. I am serious, this is going to be the hardest movie to top in the Studio Ghibli library for me. Seriously, I could gush about how absolutely awesome this movie is for hours on end, it is that ffffflippin' good! Just the characters are the best, the story is the best, the animation though not as heavily detailed like in future Ghibli movies is still something special and wonderful. The voice acting is ridiculously good and fun. And that is the best word for this movie, fun. I had so much fun watching this movie, I was like a little kid again. This a undoubtedly fun family film adventure, almost like if you threw the action and adventure aspects of Indiana Jones, the mythos of Lord Of The Rings, and the perfect likable characters of Star Wars into a blender and mixed it all up. And it is delicious. So what is the story of this incredible film? A young boy meets a young girl with a crystal necklace as she is being hunted by militia and pirates, both of them have lived solitary lives and are suddenly swept up in this adventure of finding a lost castle, rediscovering it's ancient secrets, and trying to protect it from the ever in pursuit villains while trying to keep the girl safe. I think the reason why I love this movie as much as I do not just because the technology is cool, or the world is interesting and stunning to look at, but the characters are just an absolute joy to watch. I love this girl Sheeta and this boy Pazu, they're just so cute together and the voice acting talents of Anna Paquin and James Van Der Beek is what solidifies it, they are kids who are kind of wiser than their years and do not even bat an eye at the crazy events surrounding them. They evade pirates and gunfire, learn about the history of the mysterious city, trust and care for one another, it's just done so well! I love this pirate captain played by Cloris Leachman, she is absolutely incredible and given the opportunity I would be a sky pirate under her command from the word go, she may be older but she's always running about, barking orders, fighting, planning, being kinda grumpy, I mean talk about a treasure worth cherishing. And the bad guy is played by Mark Hamill.....10/10. 10/10! 100/100! Best film! BEST FILM. You have got to watch this movie, give it a shot if you are skeptical of japanese animation, it is so damn entertaining, so funny, so sincere, so lovely, it's kind of a perfect movie. Guys. Come on. I just, ugh! Buy it, watch it, you can get it for ten dollars at a Walmart. You have no excuse. The rest of the Studio Ghibli films I have not seen, oooh boy there is going to be some stiff competition from now on. I really need to go back and watch Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, and My Neighbor Totoro again really just to see if this movie surpasses them in quality entertainment and great animated family films cause I feel it has.

And the worst part is this the last hurrah before.....next time. Pray for me. I'm going to die.