Tomb Raider (2018)

Well what do you know, a good video game movie!

Tomb Raider is very, very good. It is one of the rarest forms of media, a really good video game movie. I especially love that they adapted the story from the excellent reboot to the series and it is a really engaging and good story. Basically an origin story for Lara, played by Alicia Vikander who does a really dang good job potraying Lara as a young, no nonsense, adventurous woman who goes through some stuff to say the least and she was great. My only problem with her character was she falls in the trope of, although I come from a family of great wealth I'm gonna rebel and do things from scratch. It just bugged me. But anyway, Lara is on the hunt for her dad which leads her to a very Arrow-ish island, where a band of mercenaries led by Walton Goggins who is gloriously off his rocker like always is trying to break into the tomb of a former Lady Emperor claimed to be basically Death incarnate. Which of course Lara is all, "No way man, you're nuttier than a PayDay bar. I'm stopping you." and Walter Goggins is like, "Bring it baby girl, I'm leaving here either with a corpse or as a corpse." and thus we got ourselves a movie. Oh and they totally pulled a Last Crusade with that tomb, every test was almost exactly like the ones Indy had to do except in reverse. So the leap of faith first, the puzzle involving the floor second, and the giant bladed traps last. Caught you! But regardless, this is a good movie that is worth your time should you choose to see it, and it's great that Lara finally gets a sure fire hit in the movie department. A very good way to end the week, but next week we have a bit of unfinished buisness to attend to, a return to a good superhero movies, and another dive into the awesome weirdness that is Wes Anderson. See you then!

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life

Wow, I'm shocked. The movie was decent!

No really, I'm not being an ass! After the dreadful first Tomb Raider movie I was sooner ready to walk off a bridge than watch the sequel but it's surprisingly not bad! Lara is done fighting robots and trying to travel time, the movie sticks to a (mostly) realsitic fashion, with Lara on the hunt for the mythical Pandora's Box which I feel fits more in tune with the games. This is one of Lara's adventures put to the screen, with decent action, a simple but not insultingly stupid story, really and truly it's just a good filler movie if you have one of those days, and though it doesn't take much of a genius to figure out the resting place of Pandora's Box it doesn't detract from the movie. Though movie I have to say you really need to hide your references better. Damn near every scene in the movie can be traced back to any of the Indiana Jones and James Bond movies. The villain is almost SPECTRE-like just without the amazing Ken Adams designed lairs, the action and world travelling is synonymous with Indy, so it may seem very, very familiar to some people. One thing I do really love about the movies is the use of sets and practical effects, I forgot to mention in the last review but they only use CGI in these movies if necessary. You know that robot I bitched about? It was real! A real model animatronic that was used in certain shots while the more elaborate movements were done with CG, and the sets are expansive and done very well. I was surprised to see that and it made me quite happy, but honestly...you can live your life without seeing these movies. The first movie sucks, but the second is harmless fun for a boring day. I just hope the new one is well worth your time and money, because Lara needs a good movie under her belt! But all that will come before the week is out. To be honest, next week I will be a very happy camper.

Lara Croft Tomb Raider

I pray to God the new Tomb Raider will be a good video game movie. Less so like this.

I was dreading this. I knew this movie was gonna suck and shocker, it sucked hard. Now granted, I must admit I have limited knowledge of the Tomb Raider series, they look like fun games but I am novice at best when it comes to knowledge of specific characters, story, all that good stuff. So you think I would accept whatever nonsense was slapped on the screen but nope. In fact I can sum up my entire reaction in the first scene which is so obviously a simulation it made me ache for the movie to get on with it, where Lara has to fight a 8 foot tall robot. "Oh man, I thought this was gonna be bad but it's gonna be one of those days huh? Shit. What the flying hell am I even watching? Good God, I'm done and I just started! What is with the robot? Somebody please....help me." And there you go! Thoughts on the whole movie! Do I have to talk story or characters here? Well, I'll tell you what. I will talk story, but I am not touching characters, but more actors and acting. So the story follows Lara discovering a clock that is tied to this ridiculously bullshit plot involving ancient tombs, the Illuminati (hand over my heart, while my other hand is reaching for alcohol), and the control of time itself. Wow. I mean...wow. If this is how the games are, I really doubt my enjoyment factor. I just...I can't...the Illuminati?! Really?? The Flying Dutchman does a secret society like that have anything to do with time travel. Oh God, if I need to explain why this movie is stupid then it's just a waste of time. Unfortunately that's what this movie was. I enjoyed a grand total of, I think 5 seconds of this movie all down to just one throwaway reaction that got a genuine chuckle out of me. So thanks Daniel Craig you made it kinda, sorta, not really worth it. And okay, I'm gonna be serious here. I don't get the casting of Angelina Jolie and yet, I really commend her acting. She did her own stunts, she did things the way fans wanted to see, she was enthusiastic about the work and I can say tried to give a good performance! Keyword being try, but regardless I have to give her brownie points for doing it herself and attempting to make a video game movie kinda watchable. I mean it still fell flat, but it's not her fault! I'm not saying this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's not. But also, it did nothing for me, did not entertain, did not make me enjoy it, but I'm not saying other people can't enjoy this. Chris Stuckmann has said it's his favorite guilty pleasure movie, so obviously people can enjoy it on some level, but not for me. And now that I have seen the first I am reeeealy dreading the second one. I mean Roger Ebert liked that one, so I am trying to be optimistic but I still sense failure in the future. Oh and movie, you are not Doctor Who, stop trying to talk about time like you know what the hell you are talking about!

A Wrinkle In Time

Well it was better than I expected!

I don't know what I expected from this movie, but it wasn't half bad. The story while basic leads to some pretty cool visuals and quite touching emotional moments. The story centers around a girl named Meg and her brother Charles who after 4 years of losing their father, a genius scientist who experimented in dimensional shifts is discovered by 3 guardians of light who help the kids find their dad. First stop, visuals. Now I have to say I expected this to get far out man, like that bad LSD trip from Doctor Strange level of trippy-ness but they reigned back and made it much easier to follow while still showing off some fantastic effects. Visuals from the worlds to the wardrobe is 10/10 easy. Acting is also quite good, the kids actually feel like real kids and Charles is my favorite human character, my favorite I guess...meta-human is Ms. Whatsit played by Reese Witherspoon. Oh my God she was perfect, absolutely loved her. In fact all the Misses were very good, and the parents especially Chris Pine did put legit effort into their roles so it has to be applauded. Music though, kinda horrible. It's pop music, and the worst part is it feels so shoehorned in and barely lasts a minute so why have it? With a movie that deals with interdimensional travel to alien planets, you would expect the soundtrack to be very orchestral with a lot of electronic components thrown in, and the absolute slap in the face is they do it! Right before the movie ends. Are you dead sucking ferious right now? No. Fail. Moving on, it's a fun and entertaining family movie, it has enough spectacle and color to hold kids interests and the story makes them want to stick around, so it can be a fun family night out for those of you with youngins, but for people like me, it's a decent movie that is worth seeing once but I know this movie can capture the imaginations of children and honestly, isn't that what Disney is great at? So a good way to end the week, but God help me next week. Why do I do this to myself? Ugh, next week I'm doing Tomb Raider. All of them. Oh hello alcohol, I missed you!

Red Sparrow

At least the movie didn't suck this time. It highly disturbed me but didn't piss me off.

The first thing I gotta tell you guys is, all the reviews I have read have panned this movie and is pure smut, just sexploitation splashed on the screen with a subpar story. This is a lie. These are probably the same people who deem Eyes Wide Shut as just artsy porn, there is more to it. Okay so story goes, a young woman who is the star of the Moscow ballet is injured and roped into this bizzare government facility that basically goes full Salo on these people, effectively transforming them into pure physical assets of the state to be used promisculously to gain information from selected targets through any means necessary. This is a hard movie to sit through. The almost brainwashing of individuals as Jennifer Lawrence's character puts it "whore school" is incredibly hard to watch. I am not a prude or against sex, but their are limts to that kind of thing! Like every sex scene save one is incredibly uncomfortable and made me want to jump into a scalding hot bath to get the filth off me, but it's there for a reason. This is the story of a girl who is broken literally and metaphorically and is trying to find a way out of such a horrid lifestyle. The story is not a byproduct of the sex, the sex takes a backseat to the story. After the horrid I guess "boot camp" the movie goes into double-triple crosses, backstabbing, and many tropes of the spy genre which does a engaging and great job. The film challenges people on the concepts of choice, sacrifice, and commitment to people or a cause and it does a good job. This is an engaging story that you want to know how it all ends. It's funny, I lost my damn mind at the sex scene in Atomic Blonde but at least that was consensual and looked like they were having a good time! Jesus Christ, Russia I have to say this, if such a thing still occurs in your country you gotta stop that immediately, you are better than this. Though the movie has elements of different movies like I said, Salo, Atomic Blonde which thusly leads to the James Bond series, how people compare the use of sex like in Eyes Wide Shut (even though they are idiots), it still has it's own identity and is it's own movie. Can I recommend it to everybody? Oh hell no! Can I say it was a good movie that did a very good job telling a story with great but subdued performances, excellent subtext and allegory to concepts held dear to many people, and has an interesting but heavily disturbing plot? Oh hell yeah! But you need to prepare yourself for the darker moments. It did not offend, but it certainly did disturb. And now I need to bleach my brain....

Game Night

Well it finally happened. It broke me.

That's it! It's over! So um...tune in next time for a new show, I guess. Game Night made me walk out. First time ever that's happened! Until recently, if I saw a movie and didn't like it, I had to deal with that shit! There was no walking out for however many hours and minutes, because I would be even more bored sitting in the lobby! Urgh, I was in a bad mood and let me tell you, those trailers didn't help, and the dumbasses in the back yucking it up at these stupid f***ing trailers, just....God! I don't even know where to start. It's bad. Like...really bad. I didn't walk out on Transformers, any of the Pirates movies past At World's End, or even Twilight. At least with Twilight you could poke fun, you could riff, this movie is so vapid and inane I had to get up and just pace up and down the hallway leading to the theater. I made it...about an hour in then I had my fill. The plot is stupid. It takes Rough Night, Clue, and Horrible Bosses 2 and it...really does not work. I'm sure the cast was trying there best but the script just flails on the floor, and trust me I can say without a doubt comedy movies are the absolute hardest films to make. Jokes are like art, it is subjective. The other people were loving it, I was rolling my eyes and losing my damn patience. So the cast tried, my favorite character was that creepy deranged cop, like that dude had me rolling because I was expecting him to just snap and shoot everybody. Would have been a better movie if they did that! And why were there scare moments? You know the ones. Music fades out, ominous droning, camera zooms in on an object, and for what? Bullshit, that's what! I can't take it. Thank God I bought alcohol this week, cause I need every drop! Oh Jesus H. Christ, this movie just pissed me off with reckless abandon. Go see Black Panther again, don't go see this. I cannot...CANNOT believe this is the movie that broke me and made me quit. It doesn't sound half bad, you know.....until you're watching it. Don't pay to see it under any circumstances. If it turns up on HBO and you need to punish yourself for something, go right ahead. I'd rather eat broken glass than do this again. I'm done. Whatever. Screw it.

Spaceballs

You know, for a parody of Star Wars I quite like it.

There's some good humor in this movie, and the story does go on it's own course while still hitting Star Wars moments throughout. The story involves an evil galactic government trying to steal an entire world's atmosphere, while meanwhile the princess of said world escapes marriage, is captured by the evil government and her father asks the help of a mercenary to find her. It's a decent story, with good humor, and fun characters! Best part of the whole movie is Rick Moranis, that guy is amazing in everything. It's also great to see John Candy again, so it was just good to go back to this movie for me. I especially like how the story is it's own but still hits Star Wars bulletpoints, if memory serves this came out just after Empire Strikes Back so it takes advantage of the new material. Hell I've been hearing these jokes and references for years and it took me so long to go back to the source but I was not disappointed. I was just watching little clips of Mel Brooks' movies and I wondered if I did any of these movies, and I didn't so I had to correct that mistake fast! This week was one of the most fun weeks I have had doing reviews and I hope for those of you who have not seen these movies to check em' out and have a ball like I did! I look forward to seeing you all next week for more adventures in cinema. See ya later!