Monday, March 12, 2018

Lara Croft Tomb Raider

I pray to God the new Tomb Raider will be a good video game movie. Less so like this.

I was dreading this. I knew this movie was gonna suck and shocker, it sucked hard. Now granted, I must admit I have limited knowledge of the Tomb Raider series, they look like fun games but I am novice at best when it comes to knowledge of specific characters, story, all that good stuff. So you think I would accept whatever nonsense was slapped on the screen but nope. In fact I can sum up my entire reaction in the first scene which is so obviously a simulation it made me ache for the movie to get on with it, where Lara has to fight a 8 foot tall robot. "Oh man, I thought this was gonna be bad but it's gonna be one of those days huh? Shit. What the flying hell am I even watching? Good God, I'm done and I just started! What is with the robot? Somebody me." And there you go! Thoughts on the whole movie! Do I have to talk story or characters here? Well, I'll tell you what. I will talk story, but I am not touching characters, but more actors and acting. So the story follows Lara discovering a clock that is tied to this ridiculously bullshit plot involving ancient tombs, the Illuminati (hand over my heart, while my other hand is reaching for alcohol), and the control of time itself. Wow. I If this is how the games are, I really doubt my enjoyment factor. I just...I can't...the Illuminati?! Really?? The Flying Dutchman does a secret society like that have anything to do with time travel. Oh God, if I need to explain why this movie is stupid then it's just a waste of time. Unfortunately that's what this movie was. I enjoyed a grand total of, I think 5 seconds of this movie all down to just one throwaway reaction that got a genuine chuckle out of me. So thanks Daniel Craig you made it kinda, sorta, not really worth it. And okay, I'm gonna be serious here. I don't get the casting of Angelina Jolie and yet, I really commend her acting. She did her own stunts, she did things the way fans wanted to see, she was enthusiastic about the work and I can say tried to give a good performance! Keyword being try, but regardless I have to give her brownie points for doing it herself and attempting to make a video game movie kinda watchable. I mean it still fell flat, but it's not her fault! I'm not saying this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's not. But also, it did nothing for me, did not entertain, did not make me enjoy it, but I'm not saying other people can't enjoy this. Chris Stuckmann has said it's his favorite guilty pleasure movie, so obviously people can enjoy it on some level, but not for me. And now that I have seen the first I am reeeealy dreading the second one. I mean Roger Ebert liked that one, so I am trying to be optimistic but I still sense failure in the future. Oh and movie, you are not Doctor Who, stop trying to talk about time like you know what the hell you are talking about!

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