The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Well I was partially right.

The new Mario Bros. movie is good, but again you have to divide it between an adaptation and a movie on it's own. I do really like despite what others might grumble about how they craft the world, with Mario and Luigi as plumbers in New York who discover a warp pipe and get transported to the world of the games we know and love. Luigi gets seperated and ends up in enemy territory while Mario meets up with Peach in an attempt to stop Bowser and save his brother. It's a completely decent plot, and while the pessimist in me wants to say well they sure figured out how to cram each gameplay mechanic into this, they do Super Mario, they do 3D World, they do Mario Kart, they even pretty much do Smash Bros., yet the optimist in me has to give minor applause for how they strung each setpiece together and did make it work quite well! Though I'm split on how things in the game world carry over into the movie, and what I mean by that is the characters know a red flower gives you fire powers or what a question block does but there's no explanation as to why they are there, who made them, or how they know that. I suppose it's just one of those don't question it things. Voice acting was pretty good though I gotta say, I didn't hate the Chris Pratt voice like so many were dreading, and I did NOT need this lavish, over the top "It's-a me Mario, I'm gonna beat the living ragu out of you and then drink a lot of red wine while shouting about the new Ferrari Stradale while making my world famous linguini!" I'd put my foot down on that pronto. It peppers it in but not much. Charlie Day, solid casting as Luigi I must say and was almost expecting them to do some Luigi's Mansion stuff at one point, but I liked him! Anya Taylor-Joy as Peach, here to throw down and do what must be done so rock on there, it's odd seeing her in this considering her previous films I've seen but hey I'm here for it and I really really dig the backstory they give to her. Jack Black as Bowser is the best part of the movie in my opinion, yeah the voice has been augmented a fair bit but only Jack could deliver these lines and these moments. The animation is everything you imagined and more, it really does look like the newest games with a Hollywood budget creating some colorful, beautiful, even atmospheric worlds with more easter eggs and references than you could throw a blue shell at, and not just Mario stuff either! The music is...interesting, they throw in a lot of Mario music in full orchestral fashion which was fantastic, but then they throw in tracks like ACDC'S Thunderstruck and A-Ha's Take On Me seemingly random at times but I dig those songs so it was jarring but not bad. The comedy was good, but the big shining stars are Bowser and a quite literal star from the Super Mario Galaxy games that made me laugh until I had to cover my mouth, bite my lip, and shed brief tears just so I wouldn't laugh like a cross between a strangled hyena and the friggin' Emperor. It's exactly as advertised and oh yeah, people will be shouting cash cow advertisment product placement galore with this movie and even I gotta admit it worked on me. I would love to fire up Super Mario World on my SNES or marathon 3D World with some friends (dibs on blue Toad), but it's Mario man. It's been around awhile, it most likely is the first video game we have ever played, I know it was mine when I was starting to get around on my own two legs and going to my cousins place where they had an NES with Super Mario/Duck Hunt and I really liked it. Not long after that Super Mario 64 and more importantly the N64 made me the gamer I am today. It's okay to watch and love it. As an adaptation it's pretty much a 9 if not 10/10! But as a movie all on it's own I give it a 7.5/10, good movie, pretty fun, will we see Wart in a sequel? You never know. So hey fuggetaboutit, get you some italian food after the movie, school your family and friends at Mario, and have a fun day to yourself. Now if only we could get a Zelda movie...

Jurassic World Dominion

Alright, not a bad way to end. Now don't f*** it up and make another movie 30 years later.

Yeah, it took until the 3rd movie of the Jurassic World series to give us a jurassic world but honestly it all could have been handled much poorer. Now the plot I am about to describe might sound like they done goofed severely, because the movie's central dilemma isn't about dinosaurs. It has dinosaurs in it and they utilize them all very well, but our respective teams of old cast and new cast are brought together through the machinations of a corporate business that has developed a creataceous strand of locusts that can bring global catastrophic damage, while also kidnapping Blue's hatchling and Maisie. I know, I know, they could have made it anything but corporation baaaaad, but truthfully I was rolling with it enough to like the movie's other aspects. As I said, beautifully done how they show the world coexisting with dinosaurs and while it's not the full focus it is spotlighted long enough. I actually applaud the movie for going all out, trying to explore as many facets, angles, and situations with this backdrop of then extinct creatures in today's world and they wanted to go balls out for it and they somewhat succeed. I can appreciate that. Do I need to talk about cast? We have Laura, Sam, and Jeff back and I'll give you a twenty if you can guess how they were. It might seem like they don't have much to do and are brought back for the novelty, but it is nice to see them together again and they can have fun with it. Chris, Bryce, and Isabella still do good, particularly with Isabella getting that teen angst and attitude down to a pitch perfect science. And...as upset that I am we didn't get much Daniella Penada beyond one scene we have another new addition. Yes, hi, welcome to another edition of The Crush Chronicles vol. 98, where I now say...oh my God. DeWanda Wise, holy moly. That woman is literally so beautiful my soul ached every time I gazed at her, and she was a fun add to the cast even if everytime she was on screen I couldn't look anywhere else. A small price to pay. Moving swiftly on. Colin Trevorrow, yes the director of the Episode 9 that never was and got an upgrade from co-writer of Fallen Kingdom straight to director's chair, fairly good work I found he did. He takes advantage of nature scenery to the max, knows when to bring the movie down but also ramp it up effectively, overall did solid competent work. Better than Fallen Kingdom? Uh, no shit. So now the question becomes where does it rank for me? It's better than Jurassic Park 3, World, Fallen Kingdom, so it's top 3. But remember what I said last time. 3 stars, 7/10, from the ancient pass to the space faring future and beyond next time.

In Retrospect: Jurassic Park Fallen Kingdom

Alright we gotta set the cards on the table, no matter what you see and no matter what you hear, past, present, future, there is exactly one good Jurassic Park movie. Everything else is in freefall.

Even I was shocked I never wrote an in retrospect of Fallen Kingdom cause honestly it had enough stuff to talk about twice. Now I know I dropped a huge spoil bomb in my original review, and even ranked it just below Jurassic Park but in a series like this the majority is flux. I wouldn't say it's good watching it again, I can imagine how many people and critics used the title Fallen Kingdom to get a sucker punch in on the series at that time. I liked two things both of which were seen sparingly in the film, James Cromwell and Daniella Pineda. Everything else was average at best. Daniella Pineda was rad man, full of energy and sass, intelligent, supremely easy on the eyes, her performance was just right for this movie and she did it flawlessly. James Cromwell, I'm never gonna stop praising this man. Though he is in a grand total of maybe 3 scenes, I saw that twinkle in the eye, magic dust, extraordinary effect that Sir Richard Attenborough had in the first two films. No horseshit Jack. I mean the rest of the cast is fine, there's no real bad performances albeit Justice Smith is too geeky and annoying for his own good, but the script needed a few more months to fully gestate. Now as a brainless, summer action movie, that shouldn't be held on any kind of pedestal because it's a Jurassic Park movie, is okay. It keeps up the pace, tension, and action beats rather well honestly but even when the movie tries to have a quiet slow moment it kinda fumbles and I feel the reason is it wasn't that kind of movie to begin with. It's shot competently and has some nice visual moments from time to time, but maaaan does this f***ing director love some dinosaur reveal shots. It could be a drinking game, everytime there is a flash of light or any kind of illumination that shows off a dinosaur for a moment take a swig of alcohol, but I wouldn't want anything to adversely affect your health. I can somewhat appreciate what it does for the characters but it does come off as window dressing nine times out of ten, the dinosaurs are still cool of course and look good yet strangely don't have a strong impact on the film ironically considering it's all about ensuring their survival with some moments thrown here and there. I will say however, I'm not sure if I ever wrote this down in any review since this movie came out but I was severely reminded of the Indoraptor or as I call it the Pedoraptor, like this science project gone horror show has a real fascination with getting this little girl man. It's just weird, first time you see it it runs it's claws through her hair and I'm just like, "That's a f***ing bad touch bro, hands of the no-no zone you creepy bastard." this isn't ha ha funny funny, like it was messing with me guys seriously. And don't get me started on the implications of this girl, my point was clearly made in the review and I think perfectly encapsulates just how off this series got from the tracks. If I had to give it a score, in my original first viewing I would have given it a 7 maybe even 7.5/10 but on rewatch it's dropping. 2 stars, 6/10, Dominion is coming up next so sorry about the short week of reviews, I should scrounge up some stuff for Lightyear so no worries there. I will goddamn well have words if they kill off people in Dominion that's all I'm saying.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2

Well.

Guardians Of The Galaxy 2 is kiddie movie garbage. This is coming from a fan of family movies, of animated movies, of cartoons, whatever the hell you want to call it, a person who can enjoy and appreciate a film intended for 5 year olds as much as a film intended for a 50 year old. I quite enjoy those types of movies. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm a Toys R Us kid. But this movie suuuuucks. Oh my God I could barely stand it. When all the things I like about your movie can be counted on one hand, you done goofed son. I liked the visuals, more so the colors than the designs. I liked Kurt Russell because well, he's the man. And I quite liked Drax and Mantis, I even dare say I ship them. Everything else, bullshit. It's present from opening titles onward, yeah cause why would we want to see the Guardians fight a monster, exchange funny dialogue and banter, and overall enjoy the visuals of it when instead you shove a toy commercial down our throats of a little baby Groot dancing. Do not f***ing dare lie to me and tell me that's not what it was. I was there! In the stores! I saw it all!! And it don't get much better from there, so okay the idea of Star Lord finding his dad and learning of his heritage could be an interesting story, unfortunately it does not need over 2 hours of movie to tell it. Apparently Peter Quill's papa is a god, no horseshit Jack kind of god, created a world, lives forever, the whole nine yards, so Star Lord is half god...until he isn't. Great plot development guys, lord knows that would have been useful in a later movie. No seriously, that's the whole movie. We meet up with the Guardians on a job, we get a chase, we meet Kurt Russell, we learn Star Lord's heritage, a mutiny is formed on Yondu which begins and ends in no time flat, Kurt Russell ain't a real daddy though and now Marvel is combining previous villain's plans which shock of all shocks doesn't improve their villain problem. He literally wants to do what the Dark Elves and Ultron did, cover the universe in his own design and make everyone essentially him. Then they fight, apparently killing a god is as easy as booting up a computer because baby Groot actually gets the killing blow, and that whole fight has as much dramatic tension as what color lollipop a toddler wants. Say what you will about the Ewoks but at least they did something! This is the movie you put on for your kids when you want them to shut up for a solid two hour stretch, in fact I'd like to meet the person over the age of 13 who puts this movie on because they think it's genuinely good and entertaining. It has the bright colors, basic forms of comedy, and easy to follow plot that would keep your child preoccupied and happy but I was kinda shocked how much language there is in this, for a movie intended for kids they use a lot of cuss words, they even make a F-word joke. You know, for kids! If I bought a movie ticket for this, I'd want my goddamn refund. Even the credits reek of bad kids movies, you know the ones, where you can't just get up and shut the movie off because they keep showing you superflous shit so you're forced to sit there until it for really realises ends. I think we finally found the one worse than Iron Man 2. Iron Man 2 was boring, pointless, and didn't have much going for it but it's okay, it's comic book movie fluff like Batman Forever or Superman Returns, it's not great but it can be a bit entertaining. This movie insulted my intelligence and made me want to burn every Groot toy in existence. 1.5 stars, 2.5/10, if it gets somehow worse than this I'll be f***ing stunned rigid.

The Lego Movie 2

Damn.

The Lego Movie 2 is a fine movie, I really enjoyed it, and I do highly suggest you get out there and watch this movie! However. It's....not better than the first movie. But I really do like it! It's just when you pit it to the first movie it kinda sorta falls flat. Ow! Who threw that? I mean I look at it like this and I think you will agree. The Lego Movie is very much like the first Star Wars movie. No, no, no not that you silly bean! We're talking 1977 Star Wars. Before the movie came out, and while it was being made, nobody had any faith in this project, the trailers looked unremarkeable, nobody but the George Lucas had any faith and standing in the movie. Same for The Lego Movie, everyone thought it would be consumerist garbage doing nothing but selling you toys for over an hour and a half, nobody had faith in it, people just weren't biting. Then both movies hit theaters. Boom. People loved it! I love it, you love it! And...I really feel like they should have followed similarly. Like go for an Empire Strikes Back style and they do try to do that with mixed success, and even did a fake out ending when it got to a really dark place which I really hated. I know they can't do that, this is not grand epic storytelling, this is a comedy movie the whole family can enjoy. But that's nothing, that's nitpick stuff at best! How's the movie actually? Very good, the animation is still excellent and taking on a space theme with other newly created characters is wonderful to see. The humor is still great and made me laugh probably more than anybody else in the theater if I'm being embarassingly honest. The story again is basic and actually has a very nice and dare I even say life affirming message at the end, so you'd think I would give this movie a stellar review! 10/10, 4 stars, two thumbs way way up! Buuuuut! It kinda treads the same stuff, same jokes, same story material, yes there's plenty new but the stuff that I noticed didn't really do it for me. But you can love this movie just as much if not more than the first, and I will fully grant you that it took me several viewings of The Lego Movie for me to fully appreciate it, enjoy it, and love it so I have no problem seeing this movie again. But I'm telling you, if this movie gets nominated for Best Animated Feature and the first one didn't, I will be severely shocked. Not upset, but shocked. So I give it 3 stars, check it out. Go see it, let me know how much you enjoyed it, what they could improve, speculate over the next movie! Just have fun with it. And I will see you next week with a movie from another Hollywood heartthrob of mine.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Okay, I may need to break my rule here about spoilers. It's not a bad movie, in fact it's one of the better Jurassic Park movies so I do say go see it but full SPOILER ALERT ahead for those who have not seen it.

The second Jurassic World follows the vein of The Lost World, you know how Jurassic World was a bigger scale Jurassic Park? Same thing here but with The Lost World. So, Jurassic World is abandoned and apparently there is a volcano active on the island, cause that happened because shut up we need a new movie, leading Claire and Owen to rescue as many dinosaurs as possible but that's only act one! Apparently people are still on the whole "we gots to weaponize dinosaurs" boat, so after the island goes kaboom our heroes have to keep the dinosaurs safe from idiot corporations. So that's story, and I bring good tidings! The characters have gotten better, Claire is now heavily intent on saving the dinosaurs, becoming a more feeling and more intimate human being since the last movie. Owen gets a lot more development with Blue to the point where it's like father and daughter and it is very touching. We get new characters, Franklin and Zia who are pretty half and half. Franklin is a screaming bitch, and Zia is everything I love in a woman. James Cromwell is in the movie (huzzah!) and he mesmerized me in his first scene, he really did, I loved him in this movie! But then I thought, aw shit I could see James Cromwell get eaten by a dinosaur. He doesn't, but I'm not sure which is a greater insult either him getting devoured or being taken out by his punk bitch of an "heir" if one can say such a thing. That sucks dude. I love the third act though, all set in this gothic mansion with this mysterious new dinosaur we have seen in the trailers. It gets into horror territory, this movie is so much more the thriller than the other movies. You saw that scene in the trailer with the little girl in her bedroom, that is the stuff of fraking nightmares okay. Nothing could be more scary than that! But here comes the supernova sized plot hole which I need to talk about because it seriously kinda pissed me off. So they are still cloning and making new dinosaurs, the newest being the Indoraptor created from the Indominus Rex DNA (Seriously did the writers have the biggest hard on for the Velociraptor?) but this is where the series finally jumped the shark or Mosasaurus if you will. The little girl we see in the trailers, she is a clone of a human being. So....why are we still riding this "make dinosaurs weapons" dead horse? You can clone human beings! Granted she is very young and might not live long, but what do you have to lose? Pull a Star Wars, find a perfect soldier template, get a clone army, shazam! You win! The Clone Wars 2.0 bitches! I'm pretty sure if I pitted 5 or 6 tanks against a Triceratops, the tanks would win. So why are we focusing on Dino-Riders? I have no idea. It is absolutely beyond stupid guys! Humans you can train, dinosaurs are gonna eat your face or stomp you into the ground! Ugh. Do you see my issue? And we got one more movie apparently so get ready for that old dance to be done again! And yet, this movie is high on my list! I'm gonna rank em' right now. Ready?

1. Jurassic Park
2. Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom
3. The Lost World
4. Jurassic World
5. Jurassic Park 3

So obviously it's a good movie, flawed yes but good regardless. Better than the last, and the ending just makes you wonder how. Won't spoil that for you although you can probably guess it. I do suggest you go see it, very entertaining, dumb at moments, but a perfect summer movie to see with family and friends.

Jurassic World

Well it was slightly better than the last movie.

Okay, so Jurassic World. It is....I don't even know. Is it bad? Not really. Is it good? Not exactly. Okay so imagine if you will Jurassic Park actually opened, it got approved, and has been a thriving buisness for years. Now imagine even further that somehow people got tired of dinosaurs, to the point where they are combining DNA of several dinosaurs to create brand new ones. This is where issues crop up. Like cloning dinosaurs wasn't a bad idea enough, but now you make far more deadly and dangerous dinosaurs by playing cocktail maker. The premise is interesting! Jurassic Park is open to the public, that is a cool idea, imagine the havoc and chaos that would ensue if we had a rerun of the first movie only now, there are over 20,000 people at the park. They do one scene. Oh think of the countless varieties of gene spliced dinosaurs, the possibilities are ridiculous! They only make one, and it supposed to be this big reveal that it's about 50% Velociraptor, even though it primarily looks like one. And the worst insult of all? People got bored of dinosaurs. Are you dead sucking ferious?? What reality? I want to know. What universe is this where the human race looks at a Triceratops like an elephant at a zoo? And the oddest thing is, it almost seems like the movie is trying to send this message. They bring up stuff like, the new owner of the park after John Hammond's death created it all over again to make the human race be humble or something like that, and feel better about their existence when they encounter creatures 75 million years old. And this kid...okay, there are two kids named Zach and Gray. Gray is a kid, excited to see dinosaurs, knows a lot about them, he is on cloud 9 at this place man, he digs this hardcore. Zach is the most stereotypical disinterested teenager it makes me want to puke. The son of a bitch sees a Mosasaurus devour a shark the size of Jaws in a single bite, and looks at pictures that his girlfriend sent to him. The whole movie Gray is running amok and enjoying the park, and Zach wants to put his dick in every girl he sees despite having a girlfriend which even he seems disinterested in. I don't know if the movie is trying to make some commentary on modern technology sort of disillusioning real life spectacle, or it causing a massive disconnect with real things. Like with Claire, she sees everything in the park as inanimate, walking through holograms of dinosaurs, thinking of the dinosaurs as attractions and not living creatures, constantly on her phone and not spending time with Zach and Gray. So it seems like that's the message of the movie but it gets lost amongst the nonsensical plot and characters. Like this guy who is hell bent using Raptors in the stead of soldiers. What?? This movie is on some kind of drugs, and it is not medicinal. It's a hot mess, that's all I can say about it. It's just a sloppy, ridiculous, hot mess. And that is not fun. I am simultaneously dreading and hopeful for Fallen Kingdom, it seems so new, full of stuff we have never seen before but I hope it hits well with me. Jurassic Park 3 killed this franchise for 15 years. Ever since Jurassic Park every sequel has hurt the series, Jurassic Park 3 almost killed it, and Jurassic World did not help the problem but it didn't have anywhere to go but up. Please don't let Fallen Kingdom suck! I can't do another horrible sequel guys, I just can't. All I ask of you is to hope for the best tomorrow.

The Lego Movie

Yeah not quite what you were expecting for the first review of the year. But a great movie nevertheless.

The story is actually not that original at first but grows and grows the deeper you delve into it. It follows an everyday average guy who gets swept up in a grand adventure through a case of mistaken identity. Sound familiar? It should but because of the characters themselves and the unique setting you really don't mind that the plot is like that because it takes you for turns and different scenarios that make the film great. Everything and I do mean everything is made out of Legos! Not just the characters, but the ground, the sky, the water, everything! And the animation style itself is kind of blocky (ba dum tss) like it's not exactly Harryhausen style of stopmotion to where it is so fluid and looks completely real it is more like how little Lego videos are made online. They can't move that fluidly because they are made of blocks so it seems stilted and that is by no means a bad thing. In fact, people loved it so much so that they screamed betrayal when the Academy Awards did not feature The Lego Movie for Best Special Effects and Best Animated Movie. The humor is great and some of it does rely on how the whole world is made of Legos so they can build different and crazy stuff but not entirely. The acting is great and we got a hell of a cast in this movie. We got Chris Pratt as our hero, Elizabeth Banks as our heroine, Will Ferrell as our villain, Liam Neeson as a corrupt cop, and even God himself Morgan Freeman as the mentor to our heroes. So quite a bit of star power behind this fun little movie. Bottom line, it's a great movie and I never get tired of watching it. If you want a visually different movie or just like Legos I highly recommend you seek this movie out. You'll like it and your kids will love it.