Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2

Well.

Guardians Of The Galaxy 2 is kiddie movie garbage. This is coming from a fan of family movies, of animated movies, of cartoons, whatever the hell you want to call it, a person who can enjoy and appreciate a film intended for 5 year olds as much as a film intended for a 50 year old. I quite enjoy those types of movies. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm a Toys R Us kid. But this movie suuuuucks. Oh my God I could barely stand it. When all the things I like about your movie can be counted on one hand, you done goofed son. I liked the visuals, more so the colors than the designs. I liked Kurt Russell because well, he's the man. And I quite liked Drax and Mantis, I even dare say I ship them. Everything else, bullshit. It's present from opening titles onward, yeah cause why would we want to see the Guardians fight a monster, exchange funny dialogue and banter, and overall enjoy the visuals of it when instead you shove a toy commercial down our throats of a little baby Groot dancing. Do not f***ing dare lie to me and tell me that's not what it was. I was there! In the stores! I saw it all!! And it don't get much better from there, so okay the idea of Star Lord finding his dad and learning of his heritage could be an interesting story, unfortunately it does not need over 2 hours of movie to tell it. Apparently Peter Quill's papa is a god, no horseshit Jack kind of god, created a world, lives forever, the whole nine yards, so Star Lord is half god...until he isn't. Great plot development guys, lord knows that would have been useful in a later movie. No seriously, that's the whole movie. We meet up with the Guardians on a job, we get a chase, we meet Kurt Russell, we learn Star Lord's heritage, a mutiny is formed on Yondu which begins and ends in no time flat, Kurt Russell ain't a real daddy though and now Marvel is combining previous villain's plans which shock of all shocks doesn't improve their villain problem. He literally wants to do what the Dark Elves and Ultron did, cover the universe in his own design and make everyone essentially him. Then they fight, apparently killing a god is as easy as booting up a computer because baby Groot actually gets the killing blow, and that whole fight has as much dramatic tension as what color lollipop a toddler wants. Say what you will about the Ewoks but at least they did something! This is the movie you put on for your kids when you want them to shut up for a solid two hour stretch, in fact I'd like to meet the person over the age of 13 who puts this movie on because they think it's genuinely good and entertaining. It has the bright colors, basic forms of comedy, and easy to follow plot that would keep your child preoccupied and happy but I was kinda shocked how much language there is in this, for a movie intended for kids they use a lot of cuss words, they even make a F-word joke. You know, for kids! If I bought a movie ticket for this, I'd want my goddamn refund. Even the credits reek of bad kids movies, you know the ones, where you can't just get up and shut the movie off because they keep showing you superflous shit so you're forced to sit there until it for really realises ends. I think we finally found the one worse than Iron Man 2. Iron Man 2 was boring, pointless, and didn't have much going for it but it's okay, it's comic book movie fluff like Batman Forever or Superman Returns, it's not great but it can be a bit entertaining. This movie insulted my intelligence and made me want to burn every Groot toy in existence. 1.5 stars, 2.5/10, if it gets somehow worse than this I'll be f***ing stunned rigid.

Guardians Of The Galaxy

Yeah this was pretty good too.

I honestly can't imagine this movie ever being made outside of that time and place in the world. It's a friggin' weird movie and the characters are some of the most obscure ones but I have to give credit to the director and writers. They took the most unknown Marvel characters save for possibly Squirrel Girl, and practically made them household names, if you weren't a die hard Marvel Comics fan you would have noooo idea who these people were. So how did they do it? Well the story is admittedly very simple, with clear cut characters, a basic villain, and a lavish colorful variety of worlds. We follow Star Lord, essentially a space pirate that gets roped into a deal that makes him come into contact with a variety of different people, there's Gamora the daughter of Thanos, Drax a man seeking revenge for the death of his family, Rocket Raccoon an augmented animal with a penchant for weapons, and Groot a walking talking tree. Comic books are weird. Granted the designs are really good, save for Gamora though of course no disrespect to Zoe Saldana but blood red hair and bright green skin just don't work for me at all. The character's personalities are strong though, you don't technically know much about them, with my personal favorite being Drax cause he's just a great guy and never failed to entertain me and I fully supported his character. I will say the tone is consistent, but the style and art direction is...how should I say this? Garish. I don't know, I think I'm so used to seeing practical, no frills, basic designed spaceships that when these ostentatious, very colorful, incredibly artistic designed spaceships appear I just start asking why they are like that. Don't get me wrong the environments and tech we see is interesting, certainly visually appealing, but it reminds me a lot of the more cheesy lowbudget sci-fi films of the 60s and 70s with aliens having skin tones the color of every shade of the rainbow, bizzare tech, kinda hammy performances, it like blends tongue in cheek sci-fi with modern effects and not half bad writing. It's an interesting one to watch. Villain's super basic yet again, guys I'm really not asking for much with the villains. Just make their motivation and character memorable, I mean he has a neat design but there's nothing to it. At least the soundtrack is (mostly) good, but if you're going to give us a throwback with cassettes actually release the soundtrack on a mother loving cassette! If vinyl can do it, cassettes can do it. I'm tired of sounding like an old man, commit to the tech of the 80s if the culture has such a hard on for the 80s. You don't make the soundtrack look like a cassette but not be a cassette, and you do not release movies that look like videotapes from a 1980s video store if you are not going to put it on tape! Who are you trying to impress?? Just dew it! Urgh, rant over. I'm sorry, I just had to get that off my chest one day and it was today. It's a good movie, I think I would give it 3 stars, 7/10, I'm interested what will happen next but at the same time I'm not in a rush to get back to them.