In Retrospect: Jurassic Park Fallen Kingdom

Alright we gotta set the cards on the table, no matter what you see and no matter what you hear, past, present, future, there is exactly one good Jurassic Park movie. Everything else is in freefall.

Even I was shocked I never wrote an in retrospect of Fallen Kingdom cause honestly it had enough stuff to talk about twice. Now I know I dropped a huge spoil bomb in my original review, and even ranked it just below Jurassic Park but in a series like this the majority is flux. I wouldn't say it's good watching it again, I can imagine how many people and critics used the title Fallen Kingdom to get a sucker punch in on the series at that time. I liked two things both of which were seen sparingly in the film, James Cromwell and Daniella Pineda. Everything else was average at best. Daniella Pineda was rad man, full of energy and sass, intelligent, supremely easy on the eyes, her performance was just right for this movie and she did it flawlessly. James Cromwell, I'm never gonna stop praising this man. Though he is in a grand total of maybe 3 scenes, I saw that twinkle in the eye, magic dust, extraordinary effect that Sir Richard Attenborough had in the first two films. No horseshit Jack. I mean the rest of the cast is fine, there's no real bad performances albeit Justice Smith is too geeky and annoying for his own good, but the script needed a few more months to fully gestate. Now as a brainless, summer action movie, that shouldn't be held on any kind of pedestal because it's a Jurassic Park movie, is okay. It keeps up the pace, tension, and action beats rather well honestly but even when the movie tries to have a quiet slow moment it kinda fumbles and I feel the reason is it wasn't that kind of movie to begin with. It's shot competently and has some nice visual moments from time to time, but maaaan does this f***ing director love some dinosaur reveal shots. It could be a drinking game, everytime there is a flash of light or any kind of illumination that shows off a dinosaur for a moment take a swig of alcohol, but I wouldn't want anything to adversely affect your health. I can somewhat appreciate what it does for the characters but it does come off as window dressing nine times out of ten, the dinosaurs are still cool of course and look good yet strangely don't have a strong impact on the film ironically considering it's all about ensuring their survival with some moments thrown here and there. I will say however, I'm not sure if I ever wrote this down in any review since this movie came out but I was severely reminded of the Indoraptor or as I call it the Pedoraptor, like this science project gone horror show has a real fascination with getting this little girl man. It's just weird, first time you see it it runs it's claws through her hair and I'm just like, "That's a f***ing bad touch bro, hands of the no-no zone you creepy bastard." this isn't ha ha funny funny, like it was messing with me guys seriously. And don't get me started on the implications of this girl, my point was clearly made in the review and I think perfectly encapsulates just how off this series got from the tracks. If I had to give it a score, in my original first viewing I would have given it a 7 maybe even 7.5/10 but on rewatch it's dropping. 2 stars, 6/10, Dominion is coming up next so sorry about the short week of reviews, I should scrounge up some stuff for Lightyear so no worries there. I will goddamn well have words if they kill off people in Dominion that's all I'm saying.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Okay, I may need to break my rule here about spoilers. It's not a bad movie, in fact it's one of the better Jurassic Park movies so I do say go see it but full SPOILER ALERT ahead for those who have not seen it.

The second Jurassic World follows the vein of The Lost World, you know how Jurassic World was a bigger scale Jurassic Park? Same thing here but with The Lost World. So, Jurassic World is abandoned and apparently there is a volcano active on the island, cause that happened because shut up we need a new movie, leading Claire and Owen to rescue as many dinosaurs as possible but that's only act one! Apparently people are still on the whole "we gots to weaponize dinosaurs" boat, so after the island goes kaboom our heroes have to keep the dinosaurs safe from idiot corporations. So that's story, and I bring good tidings! The characters have gotten better, Claire is now heavily intent on saving the dinosaurs, becoming a more feeling and more intimate human being since the last movie. Owen gets a lot more development with Blue to the point where it's like father and daughter and it is very touching. We get new characters, Franklin and Zia who are pretty half and half. Franklin is a screaming bitch, and Zia is everything I love in a woman. James Cromwell is in the movie (huzzah!) and he mesmerized me in his first scene, he really did, I loved him in this movie! But then I thought, aw shit I could see James Cromwell get eaten by a dinosaur. He doesn't, but I'm not sure which is a greater insult either him getting devoured or being taken out by his punk bitch of an "heir" if one can say such a thing. That sucks dude. I love the third act though, all set in this gothic mansion with this mysterious new dinosaur we have seen in the trailers. It gets into horror territory, this movie is so much more the thriller than the other movies. You saw that scene in the trailer with the little girl in her bedroom, that is the stuff of fraking nightmares okay. Nothing could be more scary than that! But here comes the supernova sized plot hole which I need to talk about because it seriously kinda pissed me off. So they are still cloning and making new dinosaurs, the newest being the Indoraptor created from the Indominus Rex DNA (Seriously did the writers have the biggest hard on for the Velociraptor?) but this is where the series finally jumped the shark or Mosasaurus if you will. The little girl we see in the trailers, she is a clone of a human being. So....why are we still riding this "make dinosaurs weapons" dead horse? You can clone human beings! Granted she is very young and might not live long, but what do you have to lose? Pull a Star Wars, find a perfect soldier template, get a clone army, shazam! You win! The Clone Wars 2.0 bitches! I'm pretty sure if I pitted 5 or 6 tanks against a Triceratops, the tanks would win. So why are we focusing on Dino-Riders? I have no idea. It is absolutely beyond stupid guys! Humans you can train, dinosaurs are gonna eat your face or stomp you into the ground! Ugh. Do you see my issue? And we got one more movie apparently so get ready for that old dance to be done again! And yet, this movie is high on my list! I'm gonna rank em' right now. Ready?

1. Jurassic Park
2. Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom
3. The Lost World
4. Jurassic World
5. Jurassic Park 3

So obviously it's a good movie, flawed yes but good regardless. Better than the last, and the ending just makes you wonder how. Won't spoil that for you although you can probably guess it. I do suggest you go see it, very entertaining, dumb at moments, but a perfect summer movie to see with family and friends.

Jurassic World

Well it was slightly better than the last movie.

Okay, so Jurassic World. It is....I don't even know. Is it bad? Not really. Is it good? Not exactly. Okay so imagine if you will Jurassic Park actually opened, it got approved, and has been a thriving buisness for years. Now imagine even further that somehow people got tired of dinosaurs, to the point where they are combining DNA of several dinosaurs to create brand new ones. This is where issues crop up. Like cloning dinosaurs wasn't a bad idea enough, but now you make far more deadly and dangerous dinosaurs by playing cocktail maker. The premise is interesting! Jurassic Park is open to the public, that is a cool idea, imagine the havoc and chaos that would ensue if we had a rerun of the first movie only now, there are over 20,000 people at the park. They do one scene. Oh think of the countless varieties of gene spliced dinosaurs, the possibilities are ridiculous! They only make one, and it supposed to be this big reveal that it's about 50% Velociraptor, even though it primarily looks like one. And the worst insult of all? People got bored of dinosaurs. Are you dead sucking ferious?? What reality? I want to know. What universe is this where the human race looks at a Triceratops like an elephant at a zoo? And the oddest thing is, it almost seems like the movie is trying to send this message. They bring up stuff like, the new owner of the park after John Hammond's death created it all over again to make the human race be humble or something like that, and feel better about their existence when they encounter creatures 75 million years old. And this kid...okay, there are two kids named Zach and Gray. Gray is a kid, excited to see dinosaurs, knows a lot about them, he is on cloud 9 at this place man, he digs this hardcore. Zach is the most stereotypical disinterested teenager it makes me want to puke. The son of a bitch sees a Mosasaurus devour a shark the size of Jaws in a single bite, and looks at pictures that his girlfriend sent to him. The whole movie Gray is running amok and enjoying the park, and Zach wants to put his dick in every girl he sees despite having a girlfriend which even he seems disinterested in. I don't know if the movie is trying to make some commentary on modern technology sort of disillusioning real life spectacle, or it causing a massive disconnect with real things. Like with Claire, she sees everything in the park as inanimate, walking through holograms of dinosaurs, thinking of the dinosaurs as attractions and not living creatures, constantly on her phone and not spending time with Zach and Gray. So it seems like that's the message of the movie but it gets lost amongst the nonsensical plot and characters. Like this guy who is hell bent using Raptors in the stead of soldiers. What?? This movie is on some kind of drugs, and it is not medicinal. It's a hot mess, that's all I can say about it. It's just a sloppy, ridiculous, hot mess. And that is not fun. I am simultaneously dreading and hopeful for Fallen Kingdom, it seems so new, full of stuff we have never seen before but I hope it hits well with me. Jurassic Park 3 killed this franchise for 15 years. Ever since Jurassic Park every sequel has hurt the series, Jurassic Park 3 almost killed it, and Jurassic World did not help the problem but it didn't have anywhere to go but up. Please don't let Fallen Kingdom suck! I can't do another horrible sequel guys, I just can't. All I ask of you is to hope for the best tomorrow.