Spectre

Alright. Let's get this over with.

Spectre has really put Quantum in a better light for me, it's truthfully the most problematic and so un-Bond film of the series. Never Say Never Again probably has more standing in being a James Bond film and that was nothing but a titanic f*** you and die to Cubby Broccoli, EON productions, and Roger Moore. Now I will give good points here and there, the overall production in terms of cast, cinematography, stunts, locales, and direction is good. However. The sole unifying factor in making this quite possibly the lowest ranking film in this series for me is the story. And what boggles my mind to shattered pieces is this screenplay was written by the same guys who wrote Skyfall, what in the everlasting nine circles of hell is this bullshit? This movie plays out like any generic spy thriller. Take out the Aston, take out Bond, SPECTRE, the returning cast members, and the little references to past films, and you would lose precisely nothing in this story. Granted we start off actually really good with a Birdman-esque sequence of long takes in Mexico City where Bond essentially goes rogue agent in tracking down an assassin which leads to a trail of breadcrumbs culminating to the discovery of the organization of SPECTRE and it's head #1 Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Now on paper that is not a bad plot, we finally get the classic villain organization back after decades of that asshat Kevin McClory (who can eat shit you f***ing hack bastard) locking the rights away in a lawsuit that pretty much cut short the lives of Ian Fleming and Albert Broccoli, and now Barbara can utilize it in a story. Huzzah! It didn't work out that great but I'm happy we can see it again. There is so much I can dig into here, almost going through the plot point by point there is that much stuff to severely question and hate but I will attempt to bullet point some things that hurt the film overall. Madeline Swan is the most bland Bond Girl I have seen and I know Lea Seydoux can act, if memory serves the first film I saw her in was Blue Is The Warmest Color and I really really liked that movie and she did very well in it, but there is no way in this universe or any alternate universe you can convince me that she is the woman Bond decides to settle down with. No. No. Wrong. She has nothing on Tracy or Vesper in the slightest, but I do actually hold high hopes that the next movie will give a lot to her character. The action in this movie is beyond dull, none of it is thrilling, visually interesting, or impactful. It feels so empty, from a car chase more suited to Roger Moore with comedy beats galore, shootouts that makes me feel like I'm in the vacuum of space, and nonsensical final confrontations. I could bitch at nauseatic lengths of the big interconnecting web that this movie tries to weave and include all the movies before. God Marvel just made it impossible for movies just to be movies, and like sheep everyone tried their stab at it. Jesus wept. Okay, gotta focus. Christoph Waltz is a very fine actor, Blofeld is a memorable villain but never had much of a solid grip in terms of personality and initiative, and this is the worst Blofeld I have seen. It does not work in any semblance whatsoever, and once more I hold hope for No Time To Die to actually give the characters something to do. Everyone is acting fine and well here, but there is no meat to these character's bones. Daniel had so much to work with in the last film and could convey so much with a look alone, and here...there's nothing. Not for anyone. It's this void of recognizable elements, with occasional fun and nice bits of dialogue and story, but is so bogged down by everything else it's such an easy skip. I don't like the action, I don't like the big story moments, I certainly don't like Blofeld, I don't like the opening titles all that much, it just gave me nothing. That sucks. Nobody wants to hate a James Bond movie, but when the bullshit mans says that's bullshit you take his word for it. 1.5 stars, 4/10. Tomorrow, the end of an era with an almost 3 hour long runtime. There is no time to die, but you only live twice Mr. Craig, and here's hoping for an all time high.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2

Well.

Guardians Of The Galaxy 2 is kiddie movie garbage. This is coming from a fan of family movies, of animated movies, of cartoons, whatever the hell you want to call it, a person who can enjoy and appreciate a film intended for 5 year olds as much as a film intended for a 50 year old. I quite enjoy those types of movies. Why? I don't know, maybe I'm a Toys R Us kid. But this movie suuuuucks. Oh my God I could barely stand it. When all the things I like about your movie can be counted on one hand, you done goofed son. I liked the visuals, more so the colors than the designs. I liked Kurt Russell because well, he's the man. And I quite liked Drax and Mantis, I even dare say I ship them. Everything else, bullshit. It's present from opening titles onward, yeah cause why would we want to see the Guardians fight a monster, exchange funny dialogue and banter, and overall enjoy the visuals of it when instead you shove a toy commercial down our throats of a little baby Groot dancing. Do not f***ing dare lie to me and tell me that's not what it was. I was there! In the stores! I saw it all!! And it don't get much better from there, so okay the idea of Star Lord finding his dad and learning of his heritage could be an interesting story, unfortunately it does not need over 2 hours of movie to tell it. Apparently Peter Quill's papa is a god, no horseshit Jack kind of god, created a world, lives forever, the whole nine yards, so Star Lord is half god...until he isn't. Great plot development guys, lord knows that would have been useful in a later movie. No seriously, that's the whole movie. We meet up with the Guardians on a job, we get a chase, we meet Kurt Russell, we learn Star Lord's heritage, a mutiny is formed on Yondu which begins and ends in no time flat, Kurt Russell ain't a real daddy though and now Marvel is combining previous villain's plans which shock of all shocks doesn't improve their villain problem. He literally wants to do what the Dark Elves and Ultron did, cover the universe in his own design and make everyone essentially him. Then they fight, apparently killing a god is as easy as booting up a computer because baby Groot actually gets the killing blow, and that whole fight has as much dramatic tension as what color lollipop a toddler wants. Say what you will about the Ewoks but at least they did something! This is the movie you put on for your kids when you want them to shut up for a solid two hour stretch, in fact I'd like to meet the person over the age of 13 who puts this movie on because they think it's genuinely good and entertaining. It has the bright colors, basic forms of comedy, and easy to follow plot that would keep your child preoccupied and happy but I was kinda shocked how much language there is in this, for a movie intended for kids they use a lot of cuss words, they even make a F-word joke. You know, for kids! If I bought a movie ticket for this, I'd want my goddamn refund. Even the credits reek of bad kids movies, you know the ones, where you can't just get up and shut the movie off because they keep showing you superflous shit so you're forced to sit there until it for really realises ends. I think we finally found the one worse than Iron Man 2. Iron Man 2 was boring, pointless, and didn't have much going for it but it's okay, it's comic book movie fluff like Batman Forever or Superman Returns, it's not great but it can be a bit entertaining. This movie insulted my intelligence and made me want to burn every Groot toy in existence. 1.5 stars, 2.5/10, if it gets somehow worse than this I'll be f***ing stunned rigid.

Guardians Of The Galaxy

Yeah this was pretty good too.

I honestly can't imagine this movie ever being made outside of that time and place in the world. It's a friggin' weird movie and the characters are some of the most obscure ones but I have to give credit to the director and writers. They took the most unknown Marvel characters save for possibly Squirrel Girl, and practically made them household names, if you weren't a die hard Marvel Comics fan you would have noooo idea who these people were. So how did they do it? Well the story is admittedly very simple, with clear cut characters, a basic villain, and a lavish colorful variety of worlds. We follow Star Lord, essentially a space pirate that gets roped into a deal that makes him come into contact with a variety of different people, there's Gamora the daughter of Thanos, Drax a man seeking revenge for the death of his family, Rocket Raccoon an augmented animal with a penchant for weapons, and Groot a walking talking tree. Comic books are weird. Granted the designs are really good, save for Gamora though of course no disrespect to Zoe Saldana but blood red hair and bright green skin just don't work for me at all. The character's personalities are strong though, you don't technically know much about them, with my personal favorite being Drax cause he's just a great guy and never failed to entertain me and I fully supported his character. I will say the tone is consistent, but the style and art direction is...how should I say this? Garish. I don't know, I think I'm so used to seeing practical, no frills, basic designed spaceships that when these ostentatious, very colorful, incredibly artistic designed spaceships appear I just start asking why they are like that. Don't get me wrong the environments and tech we see is interesting, certainly visually appealing, but it reminds me a lot of the more cheesy lowbudget sci-fi films of the 60s and 70s with aliens having skin tones the color of every shade of the rainbow, bizzare tech, kinda hammy performances, it like blends tongue in cheek sci-fi with modern effects and not half bad writing. It's an interesting one to watch. Villain's super basic yet again, guys I'm really not asking for much with the villains. Just make their motivation and character memorable, I mean he has a neat design but there's nothing to it. At least the soundtrack is (mostly) good, but if you're going to give us a throwback with cassettes actually release the soundtrack on a mother loving cassette! If vinyl can do it, cassettes can do it. I'm tired of sounding like an old man, commit to the tech of the 80s if the culture has such a hard on for the 80s. You don't make the soundtrack look like a cassette but not be a cassette, and you do not release movies that look like videotapes from a 1980s video store if you are not going to put it on tape! Who are you trying to impress?? Just dew it! Urgh, rant over. I'm sorry, I just had to get that off my chest one day and it was today. It's a good movie, I think I would give it 3 stars, 7/10, I'm interested what will happen next but at the same time I'm not in a rush to get back to them.

Hotel Artemis

Well that was a pleasant surprise.

You know, for a movie I had no faith in, and hardly any interest in, and essentially went on a whim for better or worse, that was a good movie! And I don't get the trashing reviews I have seen, like I said I had no real inclination to go see this movie, I would have been content waiting until it hit video but I wanted to get another review out for the week. And this is a really good movie! I know the premise and tv spots sounded sketchy, a criminal hospital and hell breaks loose with action, comedy, and thrills. It's hardly anything like that except the criminal hospital. Okay, the year is 2028 and Los Angeles has been torn asunder from riots. War zone is putting it lightly. Enter our protagonist known only as Waikiki who just robbed a bank and it kinda went bad, his brother is pumped full of bullets so they head to the Hotel Artemis to get patched up. That's basic setup, but there is a lot more going on. See the Artemis is filled with medical technology that's a marvel to say the least, and there are a few other patients being tended. Let's just say personalities clash. But that leads us to characters, easily the best part of the film! And I say that because, I love how the actors potrayed them. This is an excellent cast playing good characters, you can tell that when they talk there is more to the dialogue. Like, you can tell they have a history together, they have known each other, worked with each other, and gotten to know one another through several years. This is the film's best feature. And the cast is great, Jodie Foster even after a 5 year hiatus does a fantastic job, she's been running the Artemis for over 20 years and she is having none of these criminal's nonsense, she is this nurse who has seen it all and it's just another day for her. Dave Bautista plays her assistant, and he is wonderful with Jodie because he's this mountain of a badass and yet she calls him babe, and oh my God that is the most precious thing I have ever seen! Ahem, sorry. We got my girl, hey Sofia I missed you, still being awesome and perfect as always. Sterling K. Brown is a good protagonist, kind of a criminal with a heart of gold, he knows most of the people in the Artemis and he knows not to cause trouble and just wants to save his brother. So cast is solid aces, action is a minor point but done well, setup is interesting and could have possibly set up sequel bait but I do doubt it heavily, so yeah a solid good movie! Definitely go see it, it clocks in barely an hour and a half with credits so you got time, I was just so surprised how good it was. I was expecting middle of the road, nothing good or bad, but I was gladly surprised to see it and I may even buy it in the future!

So we got awhiles until the next review, Thursday in fact. But regardless of the time I think it's gonna be incredible.