Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts

Whew.

The universe did me a solid, it wasn't bad! It was good and I'll take it, I'll fucking take it! Bumblebee still reigns supreme but as a continuation set 7 years after that movie, set in 1994 with a new human cast and a good few new entries for the Transformers, I feel it was decent. So what's the story this time around? Right off the friggin' bat Death Star wannabe Unicron is hunting for a relic able to transport him across time and space no police box required, so as per usual Autobots need to find it first, some humans get swept up in the madness, few fights, and victory huzzah! Okay I'm simplifying and painting in broad strokes but you know what you're signing up for and the movie does tell it well, the human story is actually bearable and has some heart to it. I genuinely liked our mains Anthony Ramos and Dominique Fishback, they were decent characters and while they accept and role with this giant robot war premise quickly hey we need to have a movie somehow so no points deducted. I must admit though being an individual who really is a Transformers noob the whole Beast Wars thing, while indeed on TV when I was little little I never watched it so this like so many other people was my introduction to these characters. I only had one small gripe and by all means let me know but why do they have patches of fur? I mean I know, I know! Seven damn movies in and I'm questioning robot anatomy but I was very confused by this. In fact I really only had two major complaints with this movie but it crosses the neutral zone into spoiler territory but you'll definitely know it when you see it. But the good stuff does outweigh the bad! Peter Cullen, awesome as always and somehow after all this time still utters lines that cascades goosebumps down my body. Oh yeah, I called the "Till all are one." and guess what? Fanboyed just a teeny bit. Ron Perlman as Optimus Primal, no idea that was him but a very good solid character that would be a welcome return in the future! Peter Dinklage as our main baddie Scourge, again no clue that was him but had a great villain voice and maybe it was just me but his vehicle mode looked uncannily like the big rig in Duel. Nice. The 90s man, they really shove as much as they can as often as they can and I'm not sure if I like it or hate it, cause pretty much when they globe trot it looks exactly like a modern Transformers movie. I'm split, but I simultaneously applaud them for not throwing one or two references and committed to it. Action was well shot and everyone was identifiable, humor didn't do much for me but other people liked it and it wasn't eye bleedingly bad, I liked it just fine and I know next movie we're picking up after The Last Knight. Can you do me a real solid and just blast that Unicron theme, you teased me and I really liked it. Now just flood my earholes in that theater and make me scream....I've said too much. 3 stars, 7/10! Goodnight everybody!

In Retrospect: Bumblebee

It's still pretty awesome guys.

Like come on man, the best Transformers movie we've gotten since the animated one and it deserves to just scratch the 5 other movies out with as much white-out that you can get your hands on. And a nuke. I stand by everything I said last time, why did it take six movies to get a awesome Transformers movie? The last two were okay, but were lightyears better than the first three, this one tops them all. I might even like it better than the original 1986 movie but then I think, the movie was part of a show so it's not meant to be seen as a one shot movie. Regardless, I love it. The characters are real and not just cancer inducing comic relief, since Bumblebee is our only main robot character he gets lots of personality and character moments, seeing the 80s is always a joy yo me and the soundtrack is rad man, there's just so much to enjoy and love! I love how much detail you can see in Bumblebee, even though he can't speak you can read his expression and tell how he feels. That's some pretty good effects I must say. I like the story and love all they put in, there wasn't one single moment where I wasn't enjoying myself or rolling my eyes at a horrible joke, or wondering when we get to see the Transformers in a Transformer movie! And I remind you, those are massive pros. Think about that for a second, just read it, and let it sink in. Could you imagine if this was the first Transformers movie in 2007? The world would be a different place for the better. I hear talks of a sequel in this vein of films and you know what I'm ready. Yeah it kinda sucks we won't see Unicron in Transformers 6 but who says they can't do that later in this series? Just retcon it! I know he turns into the Camaro at the end but screw it, I refuse to accept that Bee went from a loving true friendship (or moooore? Just sayin'...) to an abusive relationship if I've ever seen one and trying to form some connection with our emotionally angry, narcissistic, Napoleon complex "hero". Ffffffffffu-

I am not a fan of him. But let's talk about better things. This is my happy place, in my world there's good Transformers movies, and we'll put some little bushes and rocks over here, just like that....mmmkay, and the soundtrack is wonderful. I would be very content with a 2 hour deleted scene where Charlie and Bee lounge around in the garage and listen to music. I would give the movie a sterling near perfect score for just a movie about that. That is good characters! But the action is good to, with very few edits, well placed shots, and very easily identifiable opposing factions even when they grapple and throw each other. Color is your friend, why do you think everyone knows who Optimus and Bumblebee is, because they have color unlike the Decepticons who were all gray. In this one, we get reds, blues, purples, you can so easily discern who is who. It really does take every major problem with all the past Transformers movies and fixes it. It's amazing. I always must give credit where credit is due, and it is due here. I bought this movie with a smile on my face, even though I haven't felt that super recently. It was a good day! Solid 4 stars, 8/10, a definite buy, and here is to many more great movies. I always got your back Bee. And for God's sake let Charlie come back so they can continue their wholesome, wonderful, and lovely relationship. You can't change my mind, they're cute together!

Transformers The Last Knight

Farewell Michael Bay, you will not be missed.

Yeah supposedly this is his last Transformers movie, so how did he end it? I have no idea. It wasn't a piece of crap, it wasn't great. It was just okay, it was fine, so take from that what you will. You know what pissed me off though? I was fully expecting Unicron in this movie. You see this planet looking thing devour the moon, so I thought Unicron but no! It's Cybertron which doesn't make any sense cause it kinda got screwed over worse than Metropolis in Man Of Steel, but it's fine, it's coming to use some science bullcrap to reform the planet. Oh and nice job paying off the glimpse we had of evil Optimus Prime or Nemesis Prime as he calls himself (Awesome name though!) being in the movie for a grand total of maybe 10 minutes, 4 of which are him actually evil. That's not a bait and switch at all. But the movie made up for it with Anthony Hopkins, who is awesome. He was on screen quite a bit, and was no doubt the best part of the movie! All the other characters were kinda blah, even Marky Mark who isn't terrible but I do feel he was at his best in Age Of Extinction. Age of Extinction was the best in my opinion. You want to know my rankings of the live action Transformers movies, it goes like this: 1. Age Of Extinction, 2. The Last Knight, 3. Transformers, 4. Dark Of The Moon, 5. Revenge Of The Fallen. Bam there you go! Do I recommend this movie? No, not in theaters but when it hits home video it will be fine for a movie night. I'm so happy I am done with Transformers, I get to do other movies. So I am a happy camper! Until next week....

Transformers Age Of Extinction

What...the...flying ostriches? A GOOD Transformers movie directed by Michael Bay? I call foul.

How...the frak did this happen? Like, it was really good! I didn't hate the humans, I liked all the Autobots, the comedy was decent, the action was good, what is this?? Okay got to breathe. Take it slow. So the movie picks up 5 years after the last movie, we ditch the annoying characters and we meet up with Mark Wahlberg (Yeah I know his character has a name but you're going to call him Mark Wahlberg.) and the world has changed. The Autobots are hunted by the government, a corporation has created transformers and upgraded them, and this weird like bounty hunter transformer is helping the government in hunting down both Autobots and Decepticons. Whoa. And the bounty hunter guy is trying to almost terraform Earth in order to create new robots, and Prime rounds up all 4 Autobots who didn't bite the dust and all of them rock! We get this hardcore military guy voiced by John Goodman (Far out man.), we get a samurai, we got Bumblebee still, we get this gunslinger looking dude, and they all kick ass and need I say anything about Optimus? Well, one line kinda pissed off Peter Cullen and I highly agree with him, it just doesn't seem like Prime but I still enjoy watching him. And Megatron becomes Galvatron, and he does.....absolutely nothing. He barely fights, it's not his evil plan this movie, he's just kinda there. Hell even the bounty hunter guy doesn't really do much beyond the kinda, sorta, terraforming thing. And yet somehow, the movie is still good. All the human characters I like, well except for one but the snitch got what he deserved so no harm there. No forced comedy or just plain stupid attempts at getting laughs, when you laugh you really laugh. What the hell happened?! I mean I got to the point last week where I never wanted to talk about Transformers for the rest of my life, and yet this movie was good?? Did I jump dimensions again man? This is getting weird. I can't believe I'm saying this but, check this movie out! See if it's worth the decent rating I gave. Apparently The Last Knight is, well the last Transformers movie and it hits tomorrow so expect a review soon for it.

Transformers Dark At The Moon

You know what? I don't need to write a review. Someone way more talented and hilarious has made a video on Transformers 3, and pretty much said everything I have ever had to say abouth this movie. So guess what? I'm putting a link to that video! And watch his Transformers 2 video, that kicks ass. Dude even took notes while watching the movie, just like me. He's got this man. He's got this by the ass!!

So here's the link: https://youtu.be/-GMD7mCOXTM

That's all folks! See you tomorrow for a new movie!

Transformers Revenge Of The Fallen

This movie is terrible. One of the worst I have ever seen. But the rage has left and all I feel is contempt and disdain.

Revenge Of The Comic Sidekicks oh sorry, I mean Fallen takes place 2 years after the first. But I assure you this movie is far more original than the first, it follows the Autobots and Decepticons as they search for an ancient relic from their homeworld of immense power whose location is only known to Shia Labeouf. Wait. Yep, it's the same movie only with a few more references to the original Transformers movie from the 80s. God I so am fed up with these movies. What is there to say? It sucks. The action is subpar, the comedy itself is a joke, the characters are insufferable, it's just so bad! There is less reason to watch this movie than the last! Okay, when the first movie hit, we didn't know. It was, oh cool a Transformers movie! And the movie wasn't horrible, it was adequate. No harm, no foul. Then the second one hit....like a slap in the genitals, and it sucked balls! It's such rubbish! 4 pages of notes this time! And we're still not done!! And I quite possibly despise the 3rd movie the most. We shall see. Hang out on my twitter to see my notes this time, not as good this time since the anger has faded but still interesting to read. Better than this shit!

Transformers (2007)

WARNING! IMMENSE ANGER AND OBSCENITIES WILL BE FOUND HERE! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

This movie is such f***ing bullshit. I hate this! It is revolting! More? No thanks. ($5 to the people who got that reference.) I mean where do I start? Well spoilers full speed ahead, I am ruining this movie for you cause no one should see it! Ever!! Okay, so the movie takes an awesome concept like Transformers, two warring factions of sentient robots here on Earth, and posions it with unimaginable amounts of fecal matter. Hey, I got a great idea! Let's make a movie with the title of Transformers and make it all about boring, idiotic, and beyond stereotyped human characters! But not only that let's make the famous tagline "Robots in disguise" completely meaningless since they never hide. Ever. At least Captain Lennox is awesome. He's cool, I like him, very nice man. I refuse to go through the whole movie cause it's a miracle I watched it without causing harm to myself and others so cliffnote time! Autobots and Decepticons have travelled to Earth to find an all powerful relic of their planet Cybertron, and guess who holds the vital information? Shia LaBeouf. Kill me. I mean you want to talk horrible acting? Jesus Christ! Oh but wait, we also have Megan Fox who I still enjoy the fact no one calls her an actor. We know what she is here for, to be objectified by the camera and used for eye candy for all the teenage boys. And that is the target audience here! That or you know...idiots. But I digress. I wrote 5 PAGES of observations on this movie, 90% of which was negative. Don't worry I'll share it on my twitter after I post the review, an extra glimpse into my mind. I mean wow, even the action sucks and that's what we want to see! There is no fundamental level of storytelling, filmmaking, or likeability that this movie has. By the way, good guys win. Shocking I know. Oh, and Peter Cullen you are the man!! And you know what? I'm doing the other 2 movies today!! Why? Because I have better movies to review, like Logan which I know I am extremely late on, or that new comedy Rough Night with my Scarlett. Oh yes. So please don't watch this movie, for humanity's sake. Next review will be up in a few hours. Check out my twitter to see the notes I wrote @whatthedudesays. Keep praying for me, I really need it.