Blade Trinity

Well it wasn't that bad.

I expected a major drop in quality after reading about all the production issues and trouble with the star, but upon rewatching it well over a decade later I was happily proven wrong about the overall quality. The only thing I feel that isn't up to par is the stroy itself, with Blade finally coming face to face with the father of all vampires Drake, who I believe has some mthological history to it in exactly who the first vampire was, and fairly soon he teams up with Jessica Biel and Ryan Reynolds to end it all. I will say good things about it, I am very impressed and amazed how much practical effects were used in this movie, when they blow shit up they blow it up, when they trash a car they absolutely total it, they truly only use CG when absolutely necessary and for a film made in 2004 I just have to give props to that. Taking into account how much good grief Wesley Snipes gave on set he still does decent work, though my favorite was Jessica Biel. Like I buy she hunts vampires and kicks ass, her training in hand to hand combat and archery were on the level, and I feel she did very admirable work. Paul Levesque or better known to the world as Triple H while obviously a product of the time when Dwayne Johnson first tried to kick off his movie career so you started seeing wrestlers in films, he was great fun to see and apparently was such a stand up guy and worked super well with the crew they just kept giving him more dialogue and stuff to do. That's awesome. Though not anywhere close to the amount of action in the last movie, they did still put effort into it and while it looks a bit more fake than it actually is closer to the end I could still appreciate it. I think the worst part is, even though it is by absolutely no means an incompetently made movie it still doesn't do much for me and doesn't have a good story or strong direction. I know David S. Goyer had a hand in all 3 movies, and I don't even know what the consensus is on his works or if people just do not like the guy personally, I frankly have no idea so I'm just stating while the direction is okay it's nothing to write home about. This movie really fell dead square in the middle for me which if you've been here long enough you know I hate that more than a bad movie. Cause there is good stuff to be found here and there, but the stuff that just isn't good really cancels out the good things. You're probably saying, oh he just didn't like it cause it had Ryan Reynolds, and you are partly right because it's just the same old shit regardless of film, tone, or intention on behalf of his performance. He wasn't grating like a certain other Marvel movie, which we do not speak about here but the big problem I have with this is, I'm sorry he should have died. I'm not saying that to be an asshole, it just perfectly summarizes my problem with this script. Cause the secret hideout is found out, damn near everyone dies including Patton Oswalt who I just had a great time seeing him in a movie though very little screentime unfortunately, and yet! And yet, he's the one that makes it out, though he was targeted by Drake first before anybody else got bodied. What the f*** is that shit?? There's no true justice in the world if Patton Oswalt dies offscreen but chuckles over there is just used as a prisoner for precisely zero reason. I am a logical reasonable guy but I've just experienced some very unreasonable things. Bollocks! Do better! I'm bored of this, I'm going for a Twix. 2 stars, 5/10.

In Retrospect: Detective Pikachu

I finally figured it out guys.

The thought occured to me while I was watching this movie, why is Detective Pikachu the absolute best video game movie? What makes this film have the secret ingredient that other video game movies have tried and failed to have for decades? Other movies have not entirely replicated their games, the Super Mario Bros. Movie took liberties with the story, Street Fighter The Movie didn't follow the plot perfectly, yet this one worked. Why? And it took me forever to find out but now I know, Pokemon has no story. It just doesn't. What is the plot of Pokemon Red and Blue? You journey out into the world, collect fantastical creatures, and challenge leaders of various gyms until in the end there can be only one. And that is why this movie works! You can do whatever you wish with the story and it would completely work. Pokemon is a crafted miracle, this series has existed for just as long if not longer than myself, so 25 years, and though it hasn't reached that Pokemania fever in the late 90s leading into the new millenium again, it is still popular, still beloved, still embedded in pop culture. Now I'm not saying Pokemon could be the one and only video game series that could eveeerrrr be made into a movie, with the right creative team you could make a Legend Of Zelda movie, you could make a Halo movie, You could make an Earthbound movie for crying out loud! It is all possible. Now let's be harshly true with ourselves, video game movies are nearly impossible to make and make well. But Pokemon is that golden child because it has just enough of reality mixed with the fantastical elements to make it work, it has always been a feasible movie to make. You take our normal everyday world, throw in some creative creatures, and bam you got a series you could do anything with. It's really quite amazing. Plus you add perfect timing with my generation having kids of their own and this was always going to be a surefire hit! But does the film work on repeat viewing when you know the solution to the mystery? Ehhhh....some things really work, I love what they did with Ditto, I love the fact they pull a 1989 Batman with the gas balloons, the stuff they subvert is well done, buuut seriously the kid just...forgot his dad's voice? Was it really that hard to defeat the villain? In fact the villains plan was a bit, huuuh?? So yeah, the ending is a bit mixed but when more than half the movie is a fun, enjoyable, colorful, and very entertaining movie you don't mind too much. Still needs more Snorlax though. I mean could you imagine if he got dosed with that gas and just blasted hyperbeams and pulled a Man Of Steel, just levelling skyscrapers? Tonally inconsistent, yes. Incredible joygasm, ohhhh yeeeeah. I know he's practically shaped like a friend, and honestly I can't praise the art direction with the pokemon enough, but come on! Give my boy some love! Still a 7/10 despite the slight issues, can't wait to see more.

Detective Pikachu

You win this round Ryan...

Thankfully Detective Pikachu didn't suck. I could even tell it was going to be a good movie before the title, not only did they have a great japanese calligraphy titles, though still in english but Legendary and my boy Toho worked on this movie! Awwww yeah! And it was good, it's a fun little movie to take your kids too, I was shocked to see a lot of older people there and I ain't talking 2 to 5 years older than me, I mean I saw a couple with no kiddos and they looked in their late 30s. That's friggin' awesome, that is love and dedication! But I also saw the people of my generation bring their kids to see it and I thought that was so cool. They even gave me a pack of Pokemon cards at the theater for being there opening day, can you even get more rad than that?? No. So the movie follows a young man named Tim who is given the unfortunate news of his father's supposed death but is swayed to help a Pikachu who can actually speak english and be understood only by Tim. So they team up and try to discover what happened to his pop, and adventure and hi-jinx ensue! I like our main character, he's a reluctant main character but not annoyingly so, he has a lot of family baggage and is just trying his best to uncover the truth. I didn't hate Ryan Reynolds surprisingly, he wasn't annoying and brought some heart to the role, and was even a teensy bit cute but I blame that on the design. If there was one little bugging me problem, there's this character who's been following the crime of Tim's dad and helps out with the investigation, and....she wasn't that great a character. And I know what they were trying to do, they were trying to do a Misty, a no nonsense, emotionally charged, talkative, and kinda bossy girl that tags along with our main character who has some Ash qualities about him. But it didn't work, there was no firm grip on this character and what they wanted to do with her, and it isn't the actresses fault she plays it well, her character was just all over the place. But what very small grievance I take with that gets washed away with the world building, I love this world! The designs are great, these are real sets, they got great lighting with the bright signs yet still look fully set in the real world. The Pokemon designs are great, they look as if they existed, not so much the graphics but the physicality of them, Pikachu is this ball of fuzz and electricity, Charizard is this scaly lizard that breathes fire, Snorlax looks like the most comfy bed in the existence of ever, and I think the CG is not supposed to look real and that it is supposed to look otherworldly and different, they did such a good job! I also like how they integrate the world of Pokemon into the realism, there's no identical looking Nurse Joy's or over the top beloved Team Rocket plans, people have Pokemon companions and work together, the police force has Growlithe's as police dogs, the firefighters have a squad of Squirttle, just little touches like that help the immersion of this world. I also like how the movie has twists and misdirects, you're not just seeing a longer version of the trailer, that was what I was worried about most. But it was avoided and you get a fun movie for the family to go see and rent or buy in the future, and I swear the ending credits are almost worth the price of admission with glorious music and stylized illustrations. It's just good stuff all around, and I just remembered one more little nitpick I had, they could have had better voices for certain Pokemon. They got the same voice actress who's done Pikachu's boice since the beginning Ikue Otani in the movie, but Psyduck isn't the same and Mewtwo didn't have that deep great voice like in the first movie. Why? It's such a shame we couldn't hear them again but like I said it's a nitpick. Good movie, needs more Snorlax, 7/10!

Life (2017)

That's a great poster by the way. A hand on the face part of a space suit, even though that is impossible. Do you know how space suits are put on? Why not just a hand on the glass of say, an airlock? That does a much better job and makes sense at least. Alright sorry, brief tangent, moving on.

Life, a new science fiction movie dealing with an alien parasite brought aboard the International Space Station, as it breaks loose, runs amok, and my God this movie is boring! Hmmm....where have I seen this before?? An alien brought aboard a ship, that attacks the crew, grows everytime it kills somebody, and has a distinct weakness in the form of fire and electricity. Oh yeah, The Thing From Another World and Alien! Jesus Christ. It does nothing, it doesn't deliver anything new, the characters couldn't be more static and two dimensional if they tried and in fact they are supremely idiotic, the alien doesn't even have a slightly interesting design, and I'm not sure if just my anger or aggravation caused this but I kept on seeing major clashing facts in this movie. Like is the alien attracted to oxygen or light? I heard both so what is it? Is it over there in one section or another? This movie defies all logic on being created. What was the point? And don't you start that, "It could be the Symbiote from Spiderman" bullshit, whoever actually thought that was true is somehow MORE idiotic than the people who say Star Wars Episode VIII is going to be just like The Empire Strikes Back. Cut me a freaking break. What a waste of time. And you know what pisses me off? Well actually two things piss me off, the ending which is unnecessarily dark but also this was not the movie I was originally going to review. I wanted to see Going In Style, but complications arose, I needed a new movie that was still in theaters, so I chose this one. Dear sweet merciful celestial beings, why did I choose this?! God....bless it. Don't watch it. Don't buy it. Don't rent it. Don't even watch it when it hits cable. It is worthless, and you should spend your time watching better sci-fi movies. Like Alien or either of The Thing movies and not that piece of garbage that's a prequel that came out in 2011 or whatever. I am fed up now. Time to cleanse the palette. Now where's that vodka?