Friday, April 14, 2017

Life (2017)

That's a great poster by the way. A hand on the face part of a space suit, even though that is impossible. Do you know how space suits are put on? Why not just a hand on the glass of say, an airlock? That does a much better job and makes sense at least. Alright sorry, brief tangent, moving on.

Life, a new science fiction movie dealing with an alien parasite brought aboard the International Space Station, as it breaks loose, runs amok, and my God this movie is boring! Hmmm....where have I seen this before?? An alien brought aboard a ship, that attacks the crew, grows everytime it kills somebody, and has a distinct weakness in the form of fire and electricity. Oh yeah, The Thing From Another World and Alien! Jesus Christ. It does nothing, it doesn't deliver anything new, the characters couldn't be more static and two dimensional if they tried and in fact they are supremely idiotic, the alien doesn't even have a slightly interesting design, and I'm not sure if just my anger or aggravation caused this but I kept on seeing major clashing facts in this movie. Like is the alien attracted to oxygen or light? I heard both so what is it? Is it over there in one section or another? This movie defies all logic on being created. What was the point? And don't you start that, "It could be the Symbiote from Spiderman" bullshit, whoever actually thought that was true is somehow MORE idiotic than the people who say Star Wars Episode VIII is going to be just like The Empire Strikes Back. Cut me a freaking break. What a waste of time. And you know what pisses me off? Well actually two things piss me off, the ending which is unnecessarily dark but also this was not the movie I was originally going to review. I wanted to see Going In Style, but complications arose, I needed a new movie that was still in theaters, so I chose this one. Dear sweet merciful celestial beings, why did I choose this?! God....bless it. Don't watch it. Don't buy it. Don't rent it. Don't even watch it when it hits cable. It is worthless, and you should spend your time watching better sci-fi movies. Like Alien or either of The Thing movies and not that piece of garbage that's a prequel that came out in 2011 or whatever. I am fed up now. Time to cleanse the palette. Now where's that vodka?

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