Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Pacific Rim

Oh boy did I call this one all those years ago.

Pacific Rim....has issues. I know, blasphemy! You're saying, "But Dude, it's a movie where giant mechs punch kaiju! How could you of all people not love it??". Well I'm glad you asked person in my head, and I'll tell you. It's not so much the concept, it's fine but more the details of the world. Time for backstory! In 2007, several kaiju have appeared from a dimensional rift in the pacific rim and have cause countless death and destruction, in response the government creates an army of war mechs to battle the monsters for years and years to come. Flash forward about 5 years where we meet one of the pilots returning to the field after the death of his brother to fight the kaiju once again! That is a synopsis, but as I said the devil is in the details. Now the minute I saw you needed two people to practically be synchronized fighters to pilot this mech, I had several questions and found it to be utterly stupid. I was correct, and I got not so great answers. So why does there need to be 2 pilots? Well the strain of piloting a war mech apparently is in the vein of Neon Genesis Evangelion because a single pilot can be overstrained and die due to mental breakdown and exhaustion. Yes, their brains turn to soup if they pilot a robot alone. Okay. So how do the pilots sync up to perform a single action? Mind meld. I....Jesus H. Christ on the bloody cross. This is the detail that breaks the movie's back! It's not like in Power Rangers where 5 people control all the limbs which made sense, they needed to communicate to coordinate attacks. There is so much bullshit to this system I need to rant, so get ready. It's gonna be loooong. This is so stupid I cannot believe it. You need 2 people to pilot a war mech, because one person cannot take the mental strain....? It looks purely physical, I don't think you need much brain capacity to pilot such a machine. Just as long as you know how to fight and know the controls, you're good! But no! You need 2 pilots to sync the same movements to pilot this thing! What?! The robots can't even kick! They are essentialy rock em' - sock em' robots, because all they can do is punch or shoot! And then there is the mind meld thing! You need two people, mainly siblings to pilot this thing because they need to have a "connection" through memories and experiences. So you can't even get a regular kind of anybody to pilot these things because they need to have shared memories and experiences. I am facepalming, and it hurts! So if say one of them died, well tough cookies we gotta get someone else! The slightest bit of thought and the movie comes crashing down like a skyscraper. Oh and this killed me! So our main character meets this girl and they talk and blah, blah, blah (we'll get to the characters in a minute!) and he asks her to spar with him. So they spar and he proclaims and shouts from the mountaintops that they have a connection so she should be his co-pilot. Hwhat?? You have known each other for maybe 5 days if I was being generous, and you have this "connection" enough to work with? This isn't like in Star Wars, where Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade have known each other for years and connected through the Force so much that they knew each other completely, and can fight incredibly without even uttering a word to one another! No! You do not get to do that movie! No!! Oh my God this movie sucks. It's terrible. Oh and now we gotta do the characters! So we got our main character Raleigh, he lost his brother. That's it. That's his character, he pilots a mech and lost his brother. Next! We have his co-pilot and kinda love interest Mako, who I swear is the only good character because she has an arc! She was a little girl who lost her family, her home, and everything she knew so she wants justice or revenge on all kaiju for taking her life away. That's a good character! She doesn't go full Ahab, but she has the passion and drive to fight these creatures. Oh but I'm sorry, Idris Elba holds her back. Why? I don't know! Cause Mako is all like, "Daddy can I go outside and play monsters with the boys?" and Idris Elba is all, "No my child, you must stay inside and learn self control or some bullcrap even though you are perfectly capable of kicking ass." and that's his character! Just some hard ass stand in for either a police commisioner or an army sergeant who yells at our hero. Idris Elba, no! You're better! Oh God, there's more. Their system is so flawed.....okay, so turns out if you have any kind of trauma or PTSD like our two leads have, it can have catastrophic consequences because they freak out and the robot thusly freaks out. Brilliant. There's more horrible one dimensional characters but I honestly don't feel like talking about them. I have a headache and I need alcohol and pills. Even the kaiju aren't cool! They all look the same! How do you do that?? The robots look cool, I guess but it makes me long for the Megazord or some of the later Mechagodzillas you see in the Heisei and the Millenium series. I guess giant robot movies are dead. They can't make a good one. Transformers butchered it, and now Pacific Rim is putting nails in the coffin. I would rather watch Transmorphers, at least that had Bruce Boxleitner! Oh damn it, now I gotta review the second one. John Boyega save me!!!

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