Avengers: Endgame

I'm done. Goodbye. The end.

Great job converting me to a Marvel fan, you know for one of the longest godforsaken running film series in history, it didn't do much for me. Now does that necessarily mean Endgame is a bad movie? No, I wouldn't say that but considering this is the last MCU movie I might ever review it didn't exactly leave me wowed. To be honest after my viewing of this movie, my idea about calling this one Infinity War makes so much more goddamn sense than Endgame. The last movie should have been called that because it was about Thanos, his plan, his actions, his victory. And I have to say I kinda hated the direction this movie went in, not only did we introduce time travel which okay, is a comic book trope but it's done so much better in other movies, but we also pull a f***ing retcon too. Just, ugh. I'm just passively watching at this point, and it pisses me off because the tone in this movie was exactly what was needed in Infinity War. It's a very somber, slow paced, even kinda desperate movie with our defeated heroes going out on a thin limb to try to circumvent the events of Infinity War, but it was far too little far too late. And I think the first 20 minutes so did not help, now I will say the interactions and very brief relationship given between Tony and Nebula I thought was pretty great but it just sorta ends there. For a movie that's a bit over 3 hours long, we don't get a lot of character moments. Not really. When 90% of the characters that we have watched for a decade are nothing but glorified cameos in this movie, it loses a lot of impact. I think in the first 10 minutes of the movie Tony gets rescued by Captain Marvel, then by the 15 minute mark they know exactly where the farm is that Thanos is living at, and by the 20 minute mark they kill him. How the shit do you keep going? You avenged countless people, the movie's over. But no, we flash forward 5 years which I truthfully thought was going to be immediately the start of this movie, with kind of a World War Z documentary about what the Avengers have been doing, and how the world has slowly begun rebuilding itself after such a cataclysm but we only get such brief glimpses into such a fascinating world. Which sucks, I wanted to know how the world was operating. So they get the brilliant idea to time travel which of course they figure out and construct the time machine in like, a day. So the plan is to pull a Back To The Future 2, and collect all the Infinity Stones from the previous movies to the point I thought they were going to pull a Gamera and have lengthy amounts of stock footage but thankfully the space gods were kind and spared me that. And that was kinda the point I completely gave up on the MCU because my mind was trying to figure out in what way this would completely ass rape the entire continuity, but I quickly gave up because I still don't care enough even to deconstruct 10 years of storytelling. I'm just so flabbergasted how people just ate these movies up and went to every movie like sheep, when honestly the MCU is like 85% average movies, 10% actual good movies, and 5% f***ing garbage, and believe me I'll rank them tomorrow. I just...what do you want me to say? The final battle was hitting Prequel levels hard and fast, the character interactions were okay just like in almost every other Marvel film, if anything this movie might have ever so slightly made me appreciate Infinity War more though this is a superior film to it, but you killed my girl so I hope you rot for that. Buuut you made Hulk the real hero who saved the entire universe, oh sure Tony got the enemy killing snap, la-dee-flippin'-da, but Bruce was the one who saved everybody. Actually the more I think about it Hulk was my only favorite part of this, I never thought I would see the day where the mind of Bruce was in the body of the Hulk, I've wanted to see that for years never thinking it was possible but it actually happened, it was everything I hoped it would be and just further reinforces why Hulk is the best superhero Marvel has to offer ever. I'm honestly upset Thanos did not win, they had to go push the reset button in true comic fashion. And you know what? I would take the coin flip. Heads I win, tails you lose. Yes, I would deal with that if I won and I lost people. Christ, if it would be anything like the environment we have right now outside our window, less pollution, empty places, nature improving and growing in terms of plants and animals, and the ability to reshape the world as a better place, then sign me up, snap away big guy, I am here and I am waiting. Oh sweet merciful angels there was some manipulation in this, I kind of find it despicable that you give Tony Stark a daughter only to get the audience emotionally invested, it is so cheap and so emotionally manipulative to the point where the ending did precisely f*** all for me. And lest we not forget the total pandering scene. You know the one. Why? Why is it there? I thought the scene in Infinity War with Okoye, Scarlett Witch, and Black Widow throwing down with that whoever the shit her name was, was actually good I kinda liked seeing them tag team that villain. Here though, wow it was such pandering, ineffectual, egregious bullshit. I might not have seen anything in Captain Marvel, but here? They're f***ing doing it man. I'm so tired. You know, we started off I thought kind of strong, but the quality just ebbed and flowed so inconsistently. I do not recommend marathoning these movies, you will get burned out before you are even halfway there. I honestly never want to review a MCU movie again in the near future. I won't say I was disappointed but I was certainly confused as to the absurd popularity of these movies, if I was being on the level with you and I am, I would watch....6 out of 22 movies. Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Winter Soldier, Civil War, Doctor Strange, and Black Panther. That's it. And you know what pisses me off? Every single shitsucking studio is trying to replicate this series, with the often misplaced humor, big battles, and expansively linked universes. Just. Stop. You are polluting the airwaves with garbage!! Accept that Marvel got an idea that was lightning in a bottle and actually do something original with your movies. Even my beloved DC needs to cease and desist, and just focus on making good movies which is what they are doing. Screw the cinematic universe in it's fat stupid ass! I am done with it! I'm shutting it down!! Yes, I wanted the Dark Universe to succeed, yes I love the match ups in DC's movies, but you just need to stop trying to be a poser MCU. You can do better just by making a good movie. But they're not. And this is why I fundamentally hate the MCU, it changed everything and not for the better. To quote the ahem, best superhero movie ever made, "But we both know the truth, there's no going back. You've changed things...forever." and I'm just waiting for this fad to die a very horrible and very quick unceremonious death. I'm a reasonable guy but I have experienced some very unreasonable things. 2.5 stars, 6.5/10. Never again.

Avengers: Infinity War (Part 2)

Part twoooo, the reckoning.

But how does anybody outside of like Gamora and possibly Thor know what the Gauntlet is and what it does? Cause Bruce explains the whole importance of it and I'm just wondering how he knew. Actually tell you the truth, the Infinity Gauntlet doesn't make a lick of sense either. "The universe is finite, it's resources finite.", dude I saw you create a swarm of bats from an energy blast, you can do anything. Quadruple the resources! "Reality can be whatever I want.", okay so why do you need all 6 stones? And why does everything the Gauntlet do reverse when Thanos uses the Space Stone? Like when he turns Drax and Mantis into disproportionate shapes, after he leaves it all goes back to normal. Why? I doubt Thanos is the kinda guy who shows mercy on his enemies, so I guess you have to be right in front of the Infinity Gauntlet for it to have an effect, so the range sucks harder than an AT&T tower. We already know Thanos goes from planet to planet and wipes out half the population so what does the snap do? Reduce the half to a quarter? That's not very f***ing balanced at all now is it. Now if the Gauntlet was just this super mega ultra doomsday weapon then I could get behind it, but it's not. And for a movie called Infinity War, there wasn't much action beyond the Wakanda fight. I know it would have been impossible to surpass Return Of The King standards of action and war scenes, but give us something to go wow at. Infinity Battle would have been more appropriate, or hell just call it Avengers: The Infinity Gauntlet, then you name the next one Infinity War because I'm assuming the conflict in Endgame will dwarf this by a mile long. The more I think about this movie, the more I think less of it. The characters are fine, but that's because we've had all these movies beforehand to flesh them out and they remain constants, with little dynamic change to their personalities and overall characteristics which defies the purpose of putting them through these trials and tribulations. The action is serviceable but not worthy of the title of the movie as stated above. The story's pacing and tone needed considerable tweaking, the pacing was adequate but had too many strands to connect leading to a somewhat bloated story necessitating a longer runtime to better the progression and character moments, and the tone kind of just needed to go more serious and maybe a little deep to really hit home the final scene. And why was there an end credits scene? Did you really need that? Imagine if they did it this way: the snap, play out the scene as normal, content smile, darkness, and dead silence through almost the whole credits to let that sink in and have this disquieting silence fall over the audience, and no end credits scene. It would get people talking like mad as to what would happen next. But no. Gotta sell that next product, always have to advertise that next movie, couldn't just open Captain Marvel with that scene or just do Captain Marvel. Ugh, f*** me. The only saving grace was the villain, and while it is fun to quote Thanos, the words have purpose, and meaning, and most of all emotion to them that made them so memorable. Actually a quote that stuck with me for reasons unknown even to myself was when Thanos is about to reverse time to claim the soul stone, "Now is no time at all." it struck me as this metaphysical line where he could stop time with a motion of his hand and it could be kind of like that scene in Doctor Strange when the Ancient One and Strange are seeing time being dragged out making one moment last a lifetime, that this instant before having all the Infinity Stones is another time so distant it might as well be millenia ago. It's an odd one to be sure, but something about it kind of stuck with me. 2.5 stars, 6/10. Reality is often disappointing.

Avengers: Infinity War (Part 1)

I still don't get the fandom.

Infinity War was not bad by any stretch, there were several elements I greatly enjoyed, there was some stuff that made me quite aggrivated, but all in all it came down to being a good movie. Not a great movie or a perfect movie, nor a bad movie or cinematic trash. It's okay. And for those few who are still reading this, let's get going. I liked the story, it's a bit flawed and I would have done this differently, not much but just tweaks that would give the film more weight. So Thanos has finally entered the chat and is hunting down the Infinity Stones. Pause. I am not actually a fan of him literally grabbing these impossibly rare and extrememly powerful gems one right after the other in the span of a single day, I actually would have liked it if we slowly saw him get a stone every so few movies, to build that anticipation and intrigue as to what the final goal is and what the gauntlet does. Since there's 6 stones, I would have preferred if he got the last two in this movie, therefore creating more drama that, oh shit he's nearly got them all we gotta act fast or we're completely screwed. Resume. That's basically the plot, we're going gem hunting while the scattered forces of the Marvel heroes are desperately trying to form a defensive plan to take this guy out. That's fine, I think the movie severely lacks dramtic tension at times and if I'm being ruthlessly honest....kinda shoots itself in the foot. A lot. Case in point, Thanos snaps Loki's neck. Unfortunately I felt no resounding effect because I've seen the crafty bastard elude death more times than I can remember so why should this time be any more final? Steve and the renegade members of the Avengers get back into the story, but they kinda just pop out of nowhere to save Vision and Scarlett Witch when they never explain how they found them to begin with. They didn't track them, they couldn't track them, they pop up in a totally random place, I know it's just for that Cap reveal but sloppy writing is sloppy shitty writing. Which is odd because most of the weaving of all these different characters into a singular movie is quite honestly handled well, even if the pacing gets sidestepped because there's too damn many, but it's there to set up future stuff in the plot so whatever. Thanos has an entourage which immediately threw me right the f*** off because if there was ever a villain that did not need a sidekick, let alone 4 of them it would be Thanos. He even has this brown nosing little ponce who is also his hype man, I mean what in the actual shit is this? So much for that "I'll do it myself" if you send your Team Rocket lackeys to do the work for you, my God they were beyond pointless. Oh and Red Skull is here too and he has powers...now? How?? Why??? I don't know. But he's there. I was slightly shocked at the runtime, I assumed this was going to be the 3 hour finale but it came up 30 minutes short which I felt to be odd because this is the kind of movie that needs that amount of length, you could really set up this heavily foreboding atmosphere as each hero tries in their own way to prepare for the oncoming battle, to get more backstory to Thanos, to really sink in the seriousness of it all. But it just feels like the same old Marvel movies, there's nothing more to this movie than the others beside the ending. Now on one hand, I commend that. It lulls the audience into a false sense of security where the heroes will come out on top but then drops the anvil right on their heads in a very unexpected manner. Which is kinda what they did, but it doesn't have that serious, dramatic, finality punch to it that it so desperately needs. This should have been almost devoid of humor like if a person tried to make a joke it would either fall flat or be given the cold shoulder by other members of the group, with a lot more quiet intimate moments with our heroes where they face the possibility of dying and have to come to terms with it, and the tension and fear when Thanos is on screen should have been priority number one because we don't know anything about him. Sure comic fans know this guy backwards and forwards, and even knows the original reason why Thanos wanted the Infinity Gauntlet (spoiler alert he was a thirsty f***boi), but most audience members have no clue who he is. We've seen the briefest of appearances but essentially know precisely dick, and while the film does a very good job cementing his character, we kinda needed more or maybe I just wanted more. The film constantly kinda keeps breaking itself almost on a subconscious level, like with Doctor Strange. He has the time stone, he can manipulate time to an insane degree, and this is kinda where the movie falls apart, because even when Thanos has four out of six Infinity Stones, Strange could still reverse time maybe to oh I don't know, save Tony from getting stabbed, or to rewind time to stop Star Lord from literally f***ing over the entire universe (we'll get to him I promise), or to just pull the Dormammu trick again. Christ he even says the Time Stone is the best chance they have against Thanos! And he hands the thing over after Tony gets stabbed and begs to spare his life. Um....Doc, he doesn't have a hostage. He shanked Stark, he's dying, there is no bargain chip, hit the rewind button, do some trippy cosmic magic tricks, save him. Do you see the issue with the Time Stone? The heroes are kind of dumbasses in this movie, Strange was bad but Quill....this stupid motherf***ing shitlord. Okay, so the group has got Thanos, they are doing everything in their power to restrain him and get the gauntlet, and they are actually even surprisingly succeeding. Hurrah! Until Star Lord hears about Gamora and instead of waiting 10 seconds for them to get the gauntlet off and then pump him so full of goddamn holes it would give people trypophobia, he starts wailing on the guy which shock of all shocks, rapes the plan with a splintered broomstick and leads to devastating losses for the entire universe. Good job. Yes I'm blaming him. You know that whole 1 in 14,000,605 odds against them winning? Well if Peter pissed off for a minute, that 1 would have been the win. I'm just really not liking the Guardians at this point, Quill is a stupid asshole, Gamora is mostly bland and I could care less for her character even with her daddy issues, Rocket's schtick is dead to me, Groot is just there, pretty much Drax and Mantis are the only ones I really like. Even poor Josh Brolin who is doing damn amazing work in this role can't fully salvage the movie, which is a shame because he is singlehandedly the best part of the entire movie. You see the machinations in his mind, you see and feel that this terrible thing he is trying to do feels justified and even logical in his eyes, his performance is the best performance in Marvel not just on an acting standpoint but a character standpoint. People have made videos on this guy for years now and for good reason, he's a fascinating character study to undertake. Josh Brolin is great, harboring on perfect. I personally actually like how he defeats the Hulk, you'd think I would hate it because my boy just got his ass handed to him, but it shows Thanos cannot be subdued by a brawl and that he knows how to fight, meaning you have to find another way to beat him. But I just feel he's too good for this movie. Again, Infinity War is not a bad movie but it has flaws that hurt the film quite a bit. My main problem was the tone, I think my false sense of security for the audience idea was the intended effect that the director's were going for but it just doesn't feel that high stakes and it should! We are talking about the fate of countless worlds and people, a truly horrible person wielding unlimited powah, and it's the same old shit. If you're not going to treat this subject material seriously and make it as good as possible with hard, dark, possibly even deep moments then just stop. You don't get to skate around this on your same old tropes, do something with it! Make it like an epic tragedy, a proper war film where people die, where it's a constant struggle for these gemstones, treat it as if you are making one of the greatest and most powerful films ever made where Ingmar Bergmann or Akira Kurosawa would applaud it. But screw that, we gotta make it for the kids you little bastards, go buy our shit! Why make it an actual good film that will be talked about for decades for pushing the envelope of comic book movies? I assume you wanted to tell this story from almost the beginning, why else would you make 18 damn movies beforehand? So you feel the impact, so you give a shit, so you are invested in the story. Well congratulations you did that, now where's the movie worthy of that payoff? It's just another standard Marvel movie with a very strong ending. And let's talk about the snap heard 'round the world. It's impact didn't fully do it for me because well, I've waited two years to watch this movie. When the scene has practically become an iconic meme it loses that gravitas, I knew it was going to happen, when it was going to happen, who got dusted, and how the film ended. Do I still appreciate it? Very. The lack of music, the almost washed out colors, the unceremonious deaths of characters we've watched for years, it's an experly crafted scene....but that atmosphere and tone should have permeated the entire film. Oh my God, I have to split the review cause I'm still not done. So um, get ready for more of this!

Captain America: Civil War

I think the Russo brothers really just love bringing us the darker hard hitting stuff.

Compared to the other Marvel movies Civil War is the most serious and hard edged entry, and the changes from the source material I feel are mostly for the better. So instead of a superhero registration where all the known superheroes have to reveal their identities and work for the U.S. government, Tony and Steve are on opposite sides of the spectrum for an accord where the Avengers stop acting as a unilateral force and essentially become the errand boys of the United Nations after a debacle in Nigeria. Tony is all for it because he wants to keep protecting the world in the confines of the law and supports being accountable for their actions. Which on one hand I fully understand, there's a lot of collateral damage and deaths in their operations and Tony does not want to seem higher above the people he wants to protect cause he acknowledges the death toll and wants to do something about it. But here's the thing, in a perfect world the Avengers could save everybody. They could defeat the villains and not one hair on everybody's head would be damaged. But...that's not how it is, you can save millions if not billions of people but thousands could still die indirectly of their actions. That sucks, that's f***ing terrible, but it is what happens. No amount of government oversight could change that. But Steve isn't better either, he says screw the system because they could control everything about them and even call them off from saving lives which goes against the entire perogative of The Avengers, they would be puppets of the world's governments. It's fascinating to see these guys swap roles, but honestly after the events of The Winter Soldier I can understand why Steve is against this idea. And they clash. They call in almost everybody we've seen so far and even bring in a new face with Peter Parker, which I have to say after hearing all about the total bullshit Tom has put up with in this series it's great to see him in the role at last and I'm happy he's still around. The fights are pretty good, but truthfully the story and dilemma is what got me most invested, it's a bleak and dire situation for the Avengers and everybody is just trying to do the right thing, the same aspect that made me really like The Winter Soldier. Now I know there's people out there who just want to see shit explode and watch superheroes do battle, that's fine, comic books are escapist fiction, not every comic book movie has to be like The Dark Knight, but when a comic book movie puts so much very well constructed emphasis on a more internal dilemma and the character's emotions and their own world views it genuinely does make for a compelling and really good story! The Winter Soldier and Civil War are honestly tied for my favorite Marvel movie because of this factor. Sure the movie has flaws, the villain is so transparent he borders on invisible in terms of story, yeah I kept forgetting who the people were in the story who were not the superheroes, yeah Spider-Man was very quickly slapped into the story, yeah it should have ended at two hours in and not kept going for another 30 minutes but it still turned out to be a really good movie. I feel like the best comic book movies are actually ones that ascend past the genre, Michael Keaton's Batman, Christopher Reeve's first Superman movie, Watchmen, The Dark Knight, Wonder Woman, The Winter Soldier, Civil War, all are damn good comic book movies but they go beyond just being a comic book movie and can be looked at as just a movie. That's not an insult, film is film, but they give that much more to really give the genre more respect and validity, and not just be kid movie bullshit that's just entertainment fluff. Yeah it's still awesome seeing Captain America and Iron Man square off, and Batman fighting the Joker, and there is never anything wrong with that. I'm a comic book lover now and forever, but also a film critic. And in my opinion Civil War gets a solid 3.5 stars, 7.5/10! Good news everybody, the Doctor is in tomorrow.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

You know what? I think this might be my favorite.

No I'm really being serious, I was very impressed with The Winter Soldier, able to take a deeper and more spy thriller adventure with Steve Rogers was a treat. There were tons of great moments, even ones that might have crushed my heart to dust, the action was interesting and well choreographed, the story took espionage and thriller and injected it into a superhero movie damn near flawlessly, Captain America gets great character progression and we see Steve being pushed harder than we've seen before, Scarlett is a huge plus with her great sense of humor and good character, the new additions we get are interesting and actually got me thinking what would happen next. This was a well made movie. Okay, so Steve has been working with SHIELD but his own personal morals are conflicting with the interests of the organization leading him to question if he's doing the right thing and how he is going to come to terms with that. Already they made Captain America a much more interesting character, giving a deeper look into his personality and mentality as he tries to grip with this new world. But pretty soon crazy stuff starts happening, secrets are being kept from Steve, Nick almost gets whacked mob hit style, Captain America becomes a fugitive of SHIELD, and a mysterious figure is called in to put Cap out of the game. I really dig the spy stuff, combining elements of the Bourne movies, Jack Ryan, there's even some Bond stuff in there but it actually mixes well and doesn't feel slapped on or creates tonal whiplash. I like the introduction of Falcon, he's a pretty cool dude and I'm interested to see more of him. Black Widow as I've said is amazing and elevates any scene she is in. The revelations whether obvious or not, change the game significantly and at the end I really and truly wanted to know what would happen after this movie, where with others it was just another movie where it ended and I was content. I don't know what it is, maybe it was the darker more serious tone, maybe it was the character stuff, maybe it was the well mixing of film genres, but something really clicked with me in this movie. The scene with Peggy was actually very hard to watch and is bringing me on the verge of tears even as I type this, it's just such a vulnerable strong moment that can really hit close to home for some folks, but the rest of the more quiet and intimate moments with the characters was greatly appreciated and in some cases said more than lengthy dialogue ever could. It felt like a comic book movie but still gave a lot more than what the average superhero film dishes out, which is why I liked it so much. Though I will never forgive it for the hail Hydra scene, yeah I was there when that bullshit flooded my Facebook page, thanks for that movie I still hate it! Regardless, 3.5 stars, 7.5/10! Will it be topped as #1 in the future? Only time will tell, but tomorrow we will be joining the Guardians Of The Galaxy so stay tuned.