I'm done. Goodbye. The end.
Great job converting me to a Marvel fan, you know for one of the longest godforsaken running film series in history, it didn't do much for me. Now does that necessarily mean Endgame is a bad movie? No, I wouldn't say that but considering this is the last MCU movie I might ever review it didn't exactly leave me wowed. To be honest after my viewing of this movie, my idea about calling this one Infinity War makes so much more goddamn sense than Endgame. The last movie should have been called that because it was about Thanos, his plan, his actions, his victory. And I have to say I kinda hated the direction this movie went in, not only did we introduce time travel which okay, is a comic book trope but it's done so much better in other movies, but we also pull a f***ing retcon too. Just, ugh. I'm just passively watching at this point, and it pisses me off because the tone in this movie was exactly what was needed in Infinity War. It's a very somber, slow paced, even kinda desperate movie with our defeated heroes going out on a thin limb to try to circumvent the events of Infinity War, but it was far too little far too late. And I think the first 20 minutes so did not help, now I will say the interactions and very brief relationship given between Tony and Nebula I thought was pretty great but it just sorta ends there. For a movie that's a bit over 3 hours long, we don't get a lot of character moments. Not really. When 90% of the characters that we have watched for a decade are nothing but glorified cameos in this movie, it loses a lot of impact. I think in the first 10 minutes of the movie Tony gets rescued by Captain Marvel, then by the 15 minute mark they know exactly where the farm is that Thanos is living at, and by the 20 minute mark they kill him. How the shit do you keep going? You avenged countless people, the movie's over. But no, we flash forward 5 years which I truthfully thought was going to be immediately the start of this movie, with kind of a World War Z documentary about what the Avengers have been doing, and how the world has slowly begun rebuilding itself after such a cataclysm but we only get such brief glimpses into such a fascinating world. Which sucks, I wanted to know how the world was operating. So they get the brilliant idea to time travel which of course they figure out and construct the time machine in like, a day. So the plan is to pull a Back To The Future 2, and collect all the Infinity Stones from the previous movies to the point I thought they were going to pull a Gamera and have lengthy amounts of stock footage but thankfully the space gods were kind and spared me that. And that was kinda the point I completely gave up on the MCU because my mind was trying to figure out in what way this would completely ass rape the entire continuity, but I quickly gave up because I still don't care enough even to deconstruct 10 years of storytelling. I'm just so flabbergasted how people just ate these movies up and went to every movie like sheep, when honestly the MCU is like 85% average movies, 10% actual good movies, and 5% f***ing garbage, and believe me I'll rank them tomorrow. I just...what do you want me to say? The final battle was hitting Prequel levels hard and fast, the character interactions were okay just like in almost every other Marvel film, if anything this movie might have ever so slightly made me appreciate Infinity War more though this is a superior film to it, but you killed my girl so I hope you rot for that. Buuut you made Hulk the real hero who saved the entire universe, oh sure Tony got the enemy killing snap, la-dee-flippin'-da, but Bruce was the one who saved everybody. Actually the more I think about it Hulk was my only favorite part of this, I never thought I would see the day where the mind of Bruce was in the body of the Hulk, I've wanted to see that for years never thinking it was possible but it actually happened, it was everything I hoped it would be and just further reinforces why Hulk is the best superhero Marvel has to offer ever. I'm honestly upset Thanos did not win, they had to go push the reset button in true comic fashion. And you know what? I would take the coin flip. Heads I win, tails you lose. Yes, I would deal with that if I won and I lost people. Christ, if it would be anything like the environment we have right now outside our window, less pollution, empty places, nature improving and growing in terms of plants and animals, and the ability to reshape the world as a better place, then sign me up, snap away big guy, I am here and I am waiting. Oh sweet merciful angels there was some manipulation in this, I kind of find it despicable that you give Tony Stark a daughter only to get the audience emotionally invested, it is so cheap and so emotionally manipulative to the point where the ending did precisely f*** all for me. And lest we not forget the total pandering scene. You know the one. Why? Why is it there? I thought the scene in Infinity War with Okoye, Scarlett Witch, and Black Widow throwing down with that whoever the shit her name was, was actually good I kinda liked seeing them tag team that villain. Here though, wow it was such pandering, ineffectual, egregious bullshit. I might not have seen anything in Captain Marvel, but here? They're f***ing doing it man. I'm so tired. You know, we started off I thought kind of strong, but the quality just ebbed and flowed so inconsistently. I do not recommend marathoning these movies, you will get burned out before you are even halfway there. I honestly never want to review a MCU movie again in the near future. I won't say I was disappointed but I was certainly confused as to the absurd popularity of these movies, if I was being on the level with you and I am, I would watch....6 out of 22 movies. Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Winter Soldier, Civil War, Doctor Strange, and Black Panther. That's it. And you know what pisses me off? Every single shitsucking studio is trying to replicate this series, with the often misplaced humor, big battles, and expansively linked universes. Just. Stop. You are polluting the airwaves with garbage!! Accept that Marvel got an idea that was lightning in a bottle and actually do something original with your movies. Even my beloved DC needs to cease and desist, and just focus on making good movies which is what they are doing. Screw the cinematic universe in it's fat stupid ass! I am done with it! I'm shutting it down!! Yes, I wanted the Dark Universe to succeed, yes I love the match ups in DC's movies, but you just need to stop trying to be a poser MCU. You can do better just by making a good movie. But they're not. And this is why I fundamentally hate the MCU, it changed everything and not for the better. To quote the ahem, best superhero movie ever made, "But we both know the truth, there's no going back. You've changed things...forever." and I'm just waiting for this fad to die a very horrible and very quick unceremonious death. I'm a reasonable guy but I have experienced some very unreasonable things. 2.5 stars, 6.5/10. Never again.