Avengers: Endgame

I'm done. Goodbye. The end.

Great job converting me to a Marvel fan, you know for one of the longest godforsaken running film series in history, it didn't do much for me. Now does that necessarily mean Endgame is a bad movie? No, I wouldn't say that but considering this is the last MCU movie I might ever review it didn't exactly leave me wowed. To be honest after my viewing of this movie, my idea about calling this one Infinity War makes so much more goddamn sense than Endgame. The last movie should have been called that because it was about Thanos, his plan, his actions, his victory. And I have to say I kinda hated the direction this movie went in, not only did we introduce time travel which okay, is a comic book trope but it's done so much better in other movies, but we also pull a f***ing retcon too. Just, ugh. I'm just passively watching at this point, and it pisses me off because the tone in this movie was exactly what was needed in Infinity War. It's a very somber, slow paced, even kinda desperate movie with our defeated heroes going out on a thin limb to try to circumvent the events of Infinity War, but it was far too little far too late. And I think the first 20 minutes so did not help, now I will say the interactions and very brief relationship given between Tony and Nebula I thought was pretty great but it just sorta ends there. For a movie that's a bit over 3 hours long, we don't get a lot of character moments. Not really. When 90% of the characters that we have watched for a decade are nothing but glorified cameos in this movie, it loses a lot of impact. I think in the first 10 minutes of the movie Tony gets rescued by Captain Marvel, then by the 15 minute mark they know exactly where the farm is that Thanos is living at, and by the 20 minute mark they kill him. How the shit do you keep going? You avenged countless people, the movie's over. But no, we flash forward 5 years which I truthfully thought was going to be immediately the start of this movie, with kind of a World War Z documentary about what the Avengers have been doing, and how the world has slowly begun rebuilding itself after such a cataclysm but we only get such brief glimpses into such a fascinating world. Which sucks, I wanted to know how the world was operating. So they get the brilliant idea to time travel which of course they figure out and construct the time machine in like, a day. So the plan is to pull a Back To The Future 2, and collect all the Infinity Stones from the previous movies to the point I thought they were going to pull a Gamera and have lengthy amounts of stock footage but thankfully the space gods were kind and spared me that. And that was kinda the point I completely gave up on the MCU because my mind was trying to figure out in what way this would completely ass rape the entire continuity, but I quickly gave up because I still don't care enough even to deconstruct 10 years of storytelling. I'm just so flabbergasted how people just ate these movies up and went to every movie like sheep, when honestly the MCU is like 85% average movies, 10% actual good movies, and 5% f***ing garbage, and believe me I'll rank them tomorrow. I just...what do you want me to say? The final battle was hitting Prequel levels hard and fast, the character interactions were okay just like in almost every other Marvel film, if anything this movie might have ever so slightly made me appreciate Infinity War more though this is a superior film to it, but you killed my girl so I hope you rot for that. Buuut you made Hulk the real hero who saved the entire universe, oh sure Tony got the enemy killing snap, la-dee-flippin'-da, but Bruce was the one who saved everybody. Actually the more I think about it Hulk was my only favorite part of this, I never thought I would see the day where the mind of Bruce was in the body of the Hulk, I've wanted to see that for years never thinking it was possible but it actually happened, it was everything I hoped it would be and just further reinforces why Hulk is the best superhero Marvel has to offer ever. I'm honestly upset Thanos did not win, they had to go push the reset button in true comic fashion. And you know what? I would take the coin flip. Heads I win, tails you lose. Yes, I would deal with that if I won and I lost people. Christ, if it would be anything like the environment we have right now outside our window, less pollution, empty places, nature improving and growing in terms of plants and animals, and the ability to reshape the world as a better place, then sign me up, snap away big guy, I am here and I am waiting. Oh sweet merciful angels there was some manipulation in this, I kind of find it despicable that you give Tony Stark a daughter only to get the audience emotionally invested, it is so cheap and so emotionally manipulative to the point where the ending did precisely f*** all for me. And lest we not forget the total pandering scene. You know the one. Why? Why is it there? I thought the scene in Infinity War with Okoye, Scarlett Witch, and Black Widow throwing down with that whoever the shit her name was, was actually good I kinda liked seeing them tag team that villain. Here though, wow it was such pandering, ineffectual, egregious bullshit. I might not have seen anything in Captain Marvel, but here? They're f***ing doing it man. I'm so tired. You know, we started off I thought kind of strong, but the quality just ebbed and flowed so inconsistently. I do not recommend marathoning these movies, you will get burned out before you are even halfway there. I honestly never want to review a MCU movie again in the near future. I won't say I was disappointed but I was certainly confused as to the absurd popularity of these movies, if I was being on the level with you and I am, I would watch....6 out of 22 movies. Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Winter Soldier, Civil War, Doctor Strange, and Black Panther. That's it. And you know what pisses me off? Every single shitsucking studio is trying to replicate this series, with the often misplaced humor, big battles, and expansively linked universes. Just. Stop. You are polluting the airwaves with garbage!! Accept that Marvel got an idea that was lightning in a bottle and actually do something original with your movies. Even my beloved DC needs to cease and desist, and just focus on making good movies which is what they are doing. Screw the cinematic universe in it's fat stupid ass! I am done with it! I'm shutting it down!! Yes, I wanted the Dark Universe to succeed, yes I love the match ups in DC's movies, but you just need to stop trying to be a poser MCU. You can do better just by making a good movie. But they're not. And this is why I fundamentally hate the MCU, it changed everything and not for the better. To quote the ahem, best superhero movie ever made, "But we both know the truth, there's no going back. You've changed things...forever." and I'm just waiting for this fad to die a very horrible and very quick unceremonious death. I'm a reasonable guy but I have experienced some very unreasonable things. 2.5 stars, 6.5/10. Never again.

Doctor Who: Series 7

Oh I have such mixed opinions on this series.

I really enjoy the majority of it but the things that are wrong really, really, like really ×1000 just infuriates me! It already starts off with a serious headscratching decision for bringing Amy and Rory back. Why? Their story is over, we had that wonderful goodbye in The God Complex for a reason, The Doctor did not want to see them be killed in front of him and they were ready to start a normal life. So why bring them back, and to add insult to injury they decide that they need to be divorced. What?? The reason itself makes no sense and the "divorce" lasts all of one episode, it is both introduced and ended in one single episode. Oh boy that was suuuure a smart decision, oh man that had such weight to the story. It is made of stupid! I still enjoy their company, they bring a unique dynamic to the show, having a home life while still adventuring, they are great fun and how can I hate Mr. Weasley being Rory's dad? But then and I've already talked about it enough, they die. For absolutely zero reason. Less than zero reason! Why bring them back for like 5 episodes then just kill them off? And don't tell me it was for story arc purposes of this series because I've come up with a better chain of events and still keep the continuity! Keep the Doctor travelling on his own, keep the whole asylum of Daleks, have him meet Oswin, and then keep him going solo. Come up with a story where The Doctor gets careless and emotional and comes within a hair's width of destroying the Earth, a second Gallifrey, and he is ashamed of himself because he almost lost the only family he has in the universe, he refuses to ever see Amy and Rory again and basically retires. We go to The Snowmen and buisness as usual. Done! Perfect! No senseless killing for no reason whatsoever. Yet the episodes before that are done well, absolutely superfluous but has good writing, great effects, interesting stories but it all culminates with The Angels Take Manhattan. Their deaths are still a bitter sting but I feel that the Weeping Angels took it full on up the ass, to the point where they lose all mystique and horror. So can they inhabit statues or not? I always saw it as the Angels are well, angels and that there is a possibility that a statue in a major city could be an angel but not all of them are. Yeah this episode has the balls to claim the Statue Of Liberty itself is a Weeping Angel....in the city...that never sleeps, in a city with millions of people in it, regardless of day or night, there is not. One. Single. Ffffff***ing EYEBALL on the Statue Of Liberty!!? Get f***ed! I call infinite amounts of bullshit on that! First the whole Demons Run thing and now this cockamamie waste of time and writing. Ugh, I'll be back.

I just, nevermind. Nevermind. You done f***ed it up and you decided not to unf*** it, just nope! Let sleeping dogs lie, son of a bitch! Okay, got to move on for the sake of my sanity. After that it's all still pretty damn good! Clara is such a good companion, she's just a wonderful match for this Doctor and their relationship and chemistry is flawless. All their episodes are good and the mystery surrounding Clara keeps you guessing until the end. And the payoff is pretty good I think. I love the fact we have Richard E. Grant, a wonderful actor and one I am very fond of gets to be a bit of a recurring villain, he plays this part so well with such malice and becomes an unstoppable and formidable foe. Hell to the yeah! I think they took notes on this for future villains. We even get a sterling addition in my opinion with the daughter of Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, oh Kate how I adore thee. She's truly wonderful and fits right in with the cast and stories, and I love it so much! Will admit however the Cybermen just don't work for me, in just about every aspect. Design wise the whole Cybermen style has been based on a progressive format, they gradually became more advanced and better each time we see them, but then they just went a bit off course. Not only do they look like Iron Man, arc reactor and all, but the face design screams more japanese chibi style cuteness than terror. Plus they are way, WAY too overpowered! I mean the whole point of Cybermen is kind of a zombie thing, they get you by their overwhelming mass amounts of numbers, now one single Cybermen can convert or delete the entire human race, Flash style superspeed, ability to adapt to attacks much like the Borg in Star Trek, can detach limbs to kill or convert people, has advanced weapon systems, and they can fly, again very much like Mr. Stark, repulsor hands and all! Now fine, you need to up the badass quality of them, make them more deadly, sleek, and more difficult to destroy, but this goes so far out there I can't even see it anymore. And they only get worse from here. They did the Daleks the same too! Oh my God, I almost forgot! This made me rant for like an hour, okay so the concept of Daleks using human slaves is totally cool, I can see that idea, it has been mentioned many times they use slave labor of some variety, but the way they try to do it here just makes you want to pistol whip the writers in the dick. Oh God...you're going to think I'm just lying straight to your face but it's true! Okay, so they take a human and convert them into essentially a Dalek, not in the shell where they are these gooey tentacle creatures, no no no no no, a fraking eyestalk juts out from their forehead and the death ray erupts from their hand kinda like with Scorpion in the Mortal Kombat movie. Everything else is human. Annnnd my IQ is dropping by the milisecond. Why not just use brainwashed humans? What's with the frankly ridiculous transformations? Why do they have these Dalek/steampunk S&M bodysuits? Why do they act like a Dalek's secretary??! I am dead sucking ferious right now. Oh holy crackers with cheese, this series is a walking nightmare sometimes! Which is odd because the writing is good for the most part, character development and interactions are still great, I still enjoy the majority of episodes, the second half of the series is great! Yet it just keeps shooting itself in the gnards and I will never know why! Screw it, watch the series from The Snowmen onward, it's short but it's sweet. Hardly any stupid nonsense, good moments, great character interactions, fun but interesting stories, and it all leads up to an epic occasion. Join me next time for the 50th anniversary specials!

Doctor Who: Series 6

See this is where and more importantly when I was a big fan.

This is the series I watched from the beginning live every week until the very end, with every twist, revelation, and foreshadowing moment fresh to my eyes. And I do still really enjoy it, for Matt's second series it does do everything on a bigger scale but is it better? Well we first start off with a rather interesting two-parter that was actually filmed in America, the first time in the show's history, set in Utah where The Doctor is rather shockingly killed before his companions and I don't mean regeneration, I mean he's a corpse now. But since we have time travel in the mix the same Doctor from the past appears and we follow the adventures and figure out (kinda) what exactly happened to result in his death. It's a very clever way to start the series because we've seen many movies start off with a huge climax but then we rewind and follow the series of events, so this is a unique take for the show that really hasn't happened since Trial Of A Timelord which is excellent by the way, go watch that, so we know how it ends yet it still grabs you. We kick off with a very interesting story based around the Apollo 11 moon landing which introduces us to a new alien under the monicrum of The Silence, who cannot be remembered if you stop looking at them, a kind of warped Weeping Angels system. We'll get back to them in a bit. After that we have a mixed bag of adventures, Curse Of The Black Spot is a bit of fun with pirates in tow. But the Rebel Flesh is absolute garbage and I have no problem saying it, mainly because it surrounds around clones of people who retain the memories of the original host and they try to fight for survival. This story has been told 10 million times better in many different sci-fi books, with better writing, characters, and dilemmas, it is so shoddily written with no real threat or importance except for pretty much a shock twist ending. It is the only reason it exists, and I can fully say you can skip it because I told you the premise. But it almost gets swept away because of the perfection that is The Doctor's Wife, a wonderful episode written by Neil Gaiman, he of the masterfully written Sandman series and American Gods and he even wrote Coraline. And if you know anything about his writting he is basically the supreme king of personifying ideas and objects, so what if the Tardis itself was infused with a young woman and her and The Doctor have a fun, lovable, and truly heart wrenching adventure? Well I'll give you a hint, I could praise it all damn day. The writing and character interactions are outstanding, going from sweet and loving to surprisingly dark and screwed up. Throw in the villain voiced by Michael Sheen who is quickly becoming one of my boys, an absolutely sublime actress who plays the human version of our beloved time machine, and a quite frankly emotion crushing ending makes this one of the best Doctor Who episodes we've seen so far. You can keep your Girl In The Fireplace, I will take The Doctor's Wife thank you very much. Then we have another new addition to the show format, we have a mid-season break after the really good but also really maddening episode A Good Man Goes To War. Now this hits spoilers a tiny bit but you'll still be fine. So let me lay this out and see if you can spot a problem: So it turns out before Amy and Rory even went to America, Amy was replaced by a clone and while the clone was travelling about, Amy was pregnant and is about to give birth. She has been kidnapped by this.....I don't even know, because she wakes up in like this super secret military base, and there is an army there dedicated to fighting and killing The Doctor and the more I think about it I'm having Arkham Knight flashbacks with this little plot point, like they have intel, are armed to the teeth, and have no doubts about ending this man's life. However! We don't know this militia's name, intention, their origins, or anything. It is literally just an army who want The Doctor dead. No reason why! None. At all. So instead of facing him head on or setting a trap, they kidnap his preggers best friend which shock of all shocks pisses him off! Heavily. So much to the point he starts calling in favors all over in time and space to siege the base and rescue his friend. I'll give you a million bucks if you can guess who loses. Now on paper this sounds awesome, The Doctor calling in favors and amassing an army to battle this unknown force to rescue his friend, but they do precisely dick to explain this opposing force. They handwave it away later on in the last frick fraking episode, but wait there's more! This series is trying soooo hard to CW, 90210, Gossip Girl this f***ing series by eluding that maybe Amy doesn't love Rory and that she and The Doctor made a half Time Lord baby. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU-

I'm back. Just......really? R-really? Might one inquire as to why this decision was made? Because me in my stupid little ape mind just wanted to watch a fun sci-fi adventure show meant for all ages, but there I go again being a silly old bean!

Okay. I'm fine now. My head hurts, there's a little blood, but I'm completely fine now. So, where was I? Oh right, the episode is okay let's move on to the second half. Let's Kill Hitler is a decent follow up to that episode, good plot stuff there. Night Terrors is an okay episode, just something normal. The Girl Who Waited is kind of fascinating with Amy trapped in a faster timeline so she grows older and older while Rory and The Doctor try to get her back, but the episode is so inhumanely slow that it was really hard for me to stay awake through which is a shame cause Karen acts her heart out in that. The God Complex is outstanding in content, and actually has one of the best and yet depressing endings to an episode ever. I'm serious this episode is like 9/10 just for the ending, it's so reminiscent of classic Doctor Who and the final shot still brings a tear to my eye. We have a lovely return from Craig, taking place a few years after The Lodger before the big series finale. Which they kinda screwed up but nevertheless is a really good ending and sets up future events fairly well. And I'm going to be real with you, I never anticipated the ending but it filled me with theories galore after it was over the first time I saw it. So how was this season? In some places, it was amazing! In some places, it made me want to pour bleach into my brain! Take from that what you will.

I think series 7 is an improvement. But I don't trust anything right now.

Doctor Who: Series 5

Oh memory lane here we come.

I think I finally remembered how I was introduced to the show, how it all started. I kept seeing adverts for the new episodes of Doctor Who, and they were late adverts too, nearing the end of this series. But nevertheless I was intrigued and maybe caught a bit of an episode though I can't remember which, and I started watching the marathons while this series was still going on. And yet I feel Matt is my Doctor, and in a way it's true, I remember watching his series one after the other, there on my sofa at 8:00 for every new episode! And honestly after all this time I still love this series and every episode is well done and should be watched. So, new Doctor, new companion, new opening, new everything! After a rather aggressive regeneration our new Doctor crashes into a young girl's garden and discovers a visible crack in the universe, and through a severely wounded Tardis he comes back over a decade later with the young girl grown up and so they travel amongst the stars on adventures and try to discern the cause for the cracks in the very universe itself. I think now that writing has shifted from Russell T. Davies to Steven Moffat, you'll notice a new storytelling aspect, Davies dropped hints here and there about the ultimate endgame for the series finale but Moffat centers the series around a conflict and the resolution of the conflict by the series finale. More of I guess a modern take where there's a huge event which is the result of a master plan that must be unfurled by our hero, and it's not bad at all because it causes speculation, theorizing, and something extra to provide the show beyond the elements we already love. I'm fine with that, and the adventures are so varied in time and setting and situation it never gets dull or predictable. Granted it slightly bites the show in the rear later on with the expanding mysteries, but for now it works. And I know so many people who just quit after David left, and I feel that to be such a shame cause Matt's first series is a damn good one! I love Matt to the moon and back for his potrayal of The Doctor, more fun and energetic like a child but still holds great wisdom and spirit. Which makes sense cause Matt is the youngest actor to play our favorite Time Lord since Peter Davison, and he is adorable sometimes! He really can play that full gambit from cute and fun to serious and dramatic and everything in between, I just love him. We have another ginger companion, this time so scottish it would almost put Jamie to shame and Karen Gillan is a dream, I adore her so but I feel her character is just a bit off. It starts out as adventures with friends and then out of nowhere she just wants to snog him. Hwhat?? I take such a grievance with this new companion viewpoint, can't companions just be friends with The Doctor and they both care about each other greatly and leave it at that? You don't need this bullshit romance, it will never happen so why even try? Just cease and desist! Aside from those quite frankly kind of uncomfortable character slips, I love her! Though her boyfriend is a tiny bit of a whiner, does this show just hate male companions? Captain Jack at least was game, I mean he did try to hop in bed with everything but you can't deny his likeability! Rory gets better though about halfway through the series, so I can't complain much there. River comes back and Alex Kingston...she is absolutely smashing in this series, in the acting sense and the looks sense, this woman is amazing and I fully ship her and Matt's Doctor hardcore, bit cougar-ish I know but they're cute dammit! Oh God, I'm rambling. Gotta get back on track. All the episodes are really good, we get the Daleks back with some rad new designs, the Silurians return not seen since the 80s if memory recalls with sleek new designs, an interesting return for the Weeping Angels, and much much more. Best episode hands down, Vincent And The Doctor. God dang it, that ending is still too much for me, it was already a very good episode but the ending just made it excellent. Just thinking about it now makes me want to weep, just flat out ugly cry because it touched my heart deep in the feels and I will never recover! Also The Lodger gets massive brownie points because it is so funny, and such a different episode but so so very welcomed in my eyes. Though I will freely admit I wish they just dropped a flippin' bomb on the audience for the finale, now I won't spoil it but for those of you who know it well and for those who will see it just remember these thoughts: Could you imagine if there was no second part to the finale? It just ended right there and you had to wait until the next entire series for a resolution. Oh my God. It would be talked about for years to come, people would be blowing up message boards and fan sites throwing theory after theory out, think The Reichenbach Fall but with Doctor Who. Maybe that's where Steven got the idea. I mean it gets dark and looks pretty much hopeless, Doctor Who rarely ever gets the chance to just stun the world into silence with an ending. The only time that really happened was Earthshock, in more ways than one, that ending.....you could hear a pin drop at the end of that. People still talk about it, and for good reason, it did the unthinkable in a groundbreaking and incredible way. We need more of that! If we didn't even have music over the credits, just text crawl on pitch black background it would have been a big moment. Not complaining but come on, you have to give me a bit of credit! But anyway, awesome new everything, fully recommend it, Matt will always be nearest and dearest to my heart and we have quite a bit of time with him yet.

Next series, get ready for another real bomb this time.