Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Charlie's Angels Full Throttle

Shite. Well, thanks for joining this review. Bye!!

I can't decide what's f***ing worse, the first movie that was in it's own little world doing it's own thing or this movie trying so hard to do stuff and failing miserably! And to think, I dare thought that the first movie was bad. No no no no. This. This sucks. Every point of the last movie that was already bad and made me want to peel the skin off my face and then skull rape my own eyesockets gets worse! How??! Hot buttery biscuits, how?? Don't even attempt the damn drinking game cause you will die. There's no getting around it, you would be dead, there would be more alcohol than blood in your body and you would cease to breathe. I mean the first movie was at least a bit funny, and had decent effects, and good actors doing decent work! True the objectifying bullshit was bad, but this thiiiis is the worst I have ever seen. The effects are just, pssh I'm not even going to talk about it I'm just gonna ask you, the f*** is wrong with you? And somehow you squandered more talent in this than the last, you couldn't even get Bill Murray because he was either filming Lost In Translation or was too bleedin' good for this, you got Bruce Willis and the shittin' T-1000 in this movie and you do dick with them. You bring John Cleese...and you break him in this movie. Nevermind the fact I'm wondering what sin he commited to be in this movie, but you see his character just crumble and you know what? Damn you, damn you to hell and take your movie with you. I liked his character and you broke him. Thank God you at least had Bernie Mac, because I love that man and he was my eternal sunshine in this movie, he made me laugh so much and goddamn do I miss him! I know our main leads probably had a lot of fun and if for nothing else, made good memories shooting a movie with friends. That's fine, I have nothing against them even a teeny bit, if you can look back on it fondly it isn't too terrible. Oh God, I'm rambling. The story has some meat to it or at least highly processed meat to it, I mean you still got your whatever caper but then you get stuff like, backstory into Dylan and an old adversary of hers returns, you get a retired Angel coming into the fray, the possibility of Natalie moving on from the team and having a life of her own. These are not horrible concepts by any stretch, but the execution and style of the film is what completely shoots itself in the foot. Wait, I take that back. It is shoving a double barrel shotgun down it's throat and somehow pulling the trigger twice. I can appreciate trying to make this a more involved and important film, but it just doesn't work. It doesn't feel earned, it certainly doesn't match the tone and direction, this is shut your brain off entertainment action shlock. I like our lead actors, they're having fun so screw it let sleeping dogs lie, John Cleese and Bernie Mac are amazing and I love them so, but beyond You even brought my guy back, you brough skinny bollocks back still being played by Crispin Glover, but you gave him 3 scenes and I don't like that. Plus the kiss was just, f***ing hwhat??? When the most interesting part of your movie is a side character whose name in itself is a mystery to me because I have heard of several characters throughout my life with the moniker of The Thin Man but I don't know anything beyond that and I want to research it (and by research I mean spend 10 minutes and google it) just to learn more. That's it! And you would have to pay me sacks of money to review the new one. No. Non merci. I will be watching and reviewing something I actually love with a female lead this Friday, thank you very much. Do I give it a rating? It sort of defies ratings but okay. 1 star, 3.5/10, there's my meaningless scores. I'm done, bye.

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