Is this what I'm really doing with my life?
I needed something to rant about and in my experience, watching reviewer's squirm and lose their damn minds is highly entertaining, so I give this gift to you. It's not a review, it's entertainment. It took considerable time to build up the courage to watch this movie, it was delaying the inevitable if I have ever seen it in my life. This movie....this f***ing movie. Sweet Jesus. Okay, positives first. Bill Murray is really damn funny as always but it just hurts me to see him in this. They use a lot of practical effects and really do stuff, so you get points for that but really the only reason I feel they did that is because the CG is like, it's not even PS2 graphics cause that's a slap in the face to those games, it's bad. Let's just leave it at that, it's bad. That's the trick with this movie, every good thing I can say about it has a negative connotation with it. The cast is great, but they are in this movie. The action is done well, but obviously faked with extensive wire work. The effects in general are practical, but due to the limitations of the budget and technology. The humor is awful and cringey...wait no that's nothing but bad. It's shite. Do I even talk about the plot? It's buried under so much bullshit with the "style" I guess you could call it that, the humor, the blatant and quite frankly uncomfortable male gazing. Now do not get me wrong, Cameron, Drew, and Lucy are very beautiful women and there is precisely squat wrong with beautiful women being total action stars, but that's not the issue. It is childish and grossly uncomfortable as to how these women are potrayed, I couldn't look at the screen half the time cause I was getting second degree/secondhand embarassment from watching this flick. I know it's a product of the super early 2000s, which could have charm of it's own but combined with the other elements it just flops. The only parts I could unashamedly love was Bill Murray, Sam Rockwell, and Crispin Glover. Any movie that let's Sam Rockwell bust a move for no other reason than because screw you he can, gets good points. Crispin Glover, perfect acting for this role I mean I buy every second that he's this wild hitman with, well let's just say it, very certain kinks. I don't kink shame, and this movie fits a lot of kinks in it's runtime, but damn. I'm just rambling, I can't even talk about this movie concisely, I could make a 7 part review and I still wouldn't get it all out of my system. What the everlasting hell is this movie? Cause I don't have an answer and I probably never will. I guess you could say it's a popcorn movie, a turn your brain off kind of entertainment, but I think it goes beyond the parameters of normal movie genres. We could have a phenomenon on our hands here. This movie did the impossible, you got Bill Murray and fffront flippin' Tim Curry in a scene together with the backdrop being a japanese themed party, and you made me not like it. Are y-
Just screw it. Have a drinking game, sure why not. It's a party! Take a shot everytime you get a slow-mo shot, double shot if they swish their hair, take a shot everytime absurd wire work makes a decent action scene a farce, take a shot everytime we get an ass shot, take a shot everytime we get such blatant sexual references and dialogue it would make porn seem subtle and nuanced if you want to end it all and die of liver failure in a coma. It's the only way to fly. I can't even believe I just watched this! I can't keep doing this you guys, there's a lot to see in this life and I'm not wasting it here. You can put me in the sequel, but I'm not gonna guarantee that I'll be lucid when I review it. At least the soundtrack was good. But what do I know? I hated Transformers, and everybody loooves Transformers so you can't trust a syllable out of my mouth, can you. I'm like that coffee machine, from bean to cup you f*** up. I give it 4 leather pants out of 5, now who's got the nose candy?
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