Charlie's Angels Full Throttle

Shite. Well, thanks for joining this review. Bye!!

I can't decide what's f***ing worse, the first movie that was in it's own little world doing it's own thing or this movie trying so hard to do stuff and failing miserably! And to think, I dare thought that the first movie was bad. No no no no. This. This sucks. Every point of the last movie that was already bad and made me want to peel the skin off my face and then skull rape my own eyesockets gets worse! How??! Hot buttery biscuits, how?? Don't even attempt the damn drinking game cause you will die. There's no getting around it, you would be dead, there would be more alcohol than blood in your body and you would cease to breathe. I mean the first movie was at least a bit funny, and had decent effects, and good actors doing decent work! True the objectifying bullshit was bad, but this thiiiis is the worst I have ever seen. The effects are just, pssh I'm not even going to talk about it I'm just gonna ask you, the f*** is wrong with you? And somehow you squandered more talent in this than the last, you couldn't even get Bill Murray because he was either filming Lost In Translation or was too bleedin' good for this, you got Bruce Willis and the shittin' T-1000 in this movie and you do dick with them. You bring John Cleese...and you break him in this movie. Nevermind the fact I'm wondering what sin he commited to be in this movie, but you see his character just crumble and you know what? Damn you, damn you to hell and take your movie with you. I liked his character and you broke him. Thank God you at least had Bernie Mac, because I love that man and he was my eternal sunshine in this movie, he made me laugh so much and goddamn do I miss him! I know our main leads probably had a lot of fun and if for nothing else, made good memories shooting a movie with friends. That's fine, I have nothing against them even a teeny bit, if you can look back on it fondly it isn't too terrible. Oh God, I'm rambling. The story has some meat to it or at least highly processed meat to it, I mean you still got your whatever caper but then you get stuff like, backstory into Dylan and an old adversary of hers returns, you get a retired Angel coming into the fray, the possibility of Natalie moving on from the team and having a life of her own. These are not horrible concepts by any stretch, but the execution and style of the film is what completely shoots itself in the foot. Wait, I take that back. It is shoving a double barrel shotgun down it's throat and somehow pulling the trigger twice. I can appreciate trying to make this a more involved and important film, but it just doesn't work. It doesn't feel earned, it certainly doesn't match the tone and direction, this is shut your brain off entertainment action shlock. I like our lead actors, they're having fun so screw it let sleeping dogs lie, John Cleese and Bernie Mac are amazing and I love them so, but beyond that....no. You even brought my guy back, you brough skinny bollocks back still being played by Crispin Glover, but you gave him 3 scenes and I don't like that. Plus the kiss was just, f***ing hwhat??? When the most interesting part of your movie is a side character whose name in itself is a mystery to me because I have heard of several characters throughout my life with the moniker of The Thin Man but I don't know anything beyond that and I want to research it (and by research I mean spend 10 minutes and google it) just to learn more. That's it! And you would have to pay me sacks of money to review the new one. No. Non merci. I will be watching and reviewing something I actually love with a female lead this Friday, thank you very much. Do I give it a rating? It sort of defies ratings but okay. 1 star, 3.5/10, there's my meaningless scores. I'm done, bye.

Charlie's Angels

Is this what I'm really doing with my life?

I needed something to rant about and in my experience, watching reviewer's squirm and lose their damn minds is highly entertaining, so I give this gift to you. It's not a review, it's entertainment. It took considerable time to build up the courage to watch this movie, it was delaying the inevitable if I have ever seen it in my life. This movie....this f***ing movie. Sweet Jesus. Okay, positives first. Bill Murray is really damn funny as always but it just hurts me to see him in this. They use a lot of practical effects and really do stuff, so you get points for that but really the only reason I feel they did that is because the CG is like, it's not even PS2 graphics cause that's a slap in the face to those games, it's bad. Let's just leave it at that, it's bad. That's the trick with this movie, every good thing I can say about it has a negative connotation with it. The cast is great, but they are in this movie. The action is done well, but obviously faked with extensive wire work. The effects in general are practical, but due to the limitations of the budget and technology. The humor is awful and cringey...wait no that's nothing but bad. It's shite. Do I even talk about the plot? It's buried under so much bullshit with the "style" I guess you could call it that, the humor, the blatant and quite frankly uncomfortable male gazing. Now do not get me wrong, Cameron, Drew, and Lucy are very beautiful women and there is precisely squat wrong with beautiful women being total action stars, but that's not the issue. It is childish and grossly uncomfortable as to how these women are potrayed, I couldn't look at the screen half the time cause I was getting second degree/secondhand embarassment from watching this flick. I know it's a product of the super early 2000s, which could have charm of it's own but combined with the other elements it just flops. The only parts I could unashamedly love was Bill Murray, Sam Rockwell, and Crispin Glover. Any movie that let's Sam Rockwell bust a move for no other reason than because screw you he can, gets good points. Crispin Glover, perfect acting for this role I mean I buy every second that he's this wild hitman with, well let's just say it, very certain kinks. I don't kink shame, and this movie fits a lot of kinks in it's runtime, but damn. I'm just rambling, I can't even talk about this movie concisely, I could make a 7 part review and I still wouldn't get it all out of my system. What the everlasting hell is this movie? Cause I don't have an answer and I probably never will. I guess you could say it's a popcorn movie, a turn your brain off kind of entertainment, but I think it goes beyond the parameters of normal movie genres. We could have a phenomenon on our hands here. This movie did the impossible, you got Bill Murray and fffront flippin' Tim Curry in a scene together with the backdrop being a japanese themed party, and you made me not like it. Are y-

Just screw it. Have a drinking game, sure why not. It's a party! Take a shot everytime you get a slow-mo shot, double shot if they swish their hair, take a shot everytime absurd wire work makes a decent action scene a farce, take a shot everytime we get an ass shot, take a shot everytime we get such blatant sexual references and dialogue it would make porn seem subtle and nuanced if you want to end it all and die of liver failure in a coma. It's the only way to fly. I can't even believe I just watched this! I can't keep doing this you guys, there's a lot to see in this life and I'm not wasting it here. You can put me in the sequel, but I'm not gonna guarantee that I'll be lucid when I review it. At least the soundtrack was good. But what do I know? I hated Transformers, and everybody loooves Transformers so you can't trust a syllable out of my mouth, can you. I'm like that coffee machine, from bean to cup you f*** up. I give it 4 leather pants out of 5, now who's got the nose candy?