Thursday, October 7, 2021


Alright. Let's get this over with.

Spectre has really put Quantum in a better light for me, it's truthfully the most problematic and so un-Bond film of the series. Never Say Never Again probably has more standing in being a James Bond film and that was nothing but a titanic f*** you and die to Cubby Broccoli, EON productions, and Roger Moore. Now I will give good points here and there, the overall production in terms of cast, cinematography, stunts, locales, and direction is good. However. The sole unifying factor in making this quite possibly the lowest ranking film in this series for me is the story. And what boggles my mind to shattered pieces is this screenplay was written by the same guys who wrote Skyfall, what in the everlasting nine circles of hell is this bullshit? This movie plays out like any generic spy thriller. Take out the Aston, take out Bond, SPECTRE, the returning cast members, and the little references to past films, and you would lose precisely nothing in this story. Granted we start off actually really good with a Birdman-esque sequence of long takes in Mexico City where Bond essentially goes rogue agent in tracking down an assassin which leads to a trail of breadcrumbs culminating to the discovery of the organization of SPECTRE and it's head #1 Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Now on paper that is not a bad plot, we finally get the classic villain organization back after decades of that asshat Kevin McClory (who can eat shit you f***ing hack bastard) locking the rights away in a lawsuit that pretty much cut short the lives of Ian Fleming and Albert Broccoli, and now Barbara can utilize it in a story. Huzzah! It didn't work out that great but I'm happy we can see it again. There is so much I can dig into here, almost going through the plot point by point there is that much stuff to severely question and hate but I will attempt to bullet point some things that hurt the film overall. Madeline Swan is the most bland Bond Girl I have seen and I know Lea Seydoux can act, if memory serves the first film I saw her in was Blue Is The Warmest Color and I really really liked that movie and she did very well in it, but there is no way in this universe or any alternate universe you can convince me that she is the woman Bond decides to settle down with. No. No. Wrong. She has nothing on Tracy or Vesper in the slightest, but I do actually hold high hopes that the next movie will give a lot to her character. The action in this movie is beyond dull, none of it is thrilling, visually interesting, or impactful. It feels so empty, from a car chase more suited to Roger Moore with comedy beats galore, shootouts that makes me feel like I'm in the vacuum of space, and nonsensical final confrontations. I could bitch at nauseatic lengths of the big interconnecting web that this movie tries to weave and include all the movies before. God Marvel just made it impossible for movies just to be movies, and like sheep everyone tried their stab at it. Jesus wept. Okay, gotta focus. Christoph Waltz is a very fine actor, Blofeld is a memorable villain but never had much of a solid grip in terms of personality and initiative, and this is the worst Blofeld I have seen. It does not work in any semblance whatsoever, and once more I hold hope for No Time To Die to actually give the characters something to do. Everyone is acting fine and well here, but there is no meat to these character's bones. Daniel had so much to work with in the last film and could convey so much with a look alone, and here...there's nothing. Not for anyone. It's this void of recognizable elements, with occasional fun and nice bits of dialogue and story, but is so bogged down by everything else it's such an easy skip. I don't like the action, I don't like the big story moments, I certainly don't like Blofeld, I don't like the opening titles all that much, it just gave me nothing. That sucks. Nobody wants to hate a James Bond movie, but when the bullshit mans says that's bullshit you take his word for it. 1.5 stars, 4/10. Tomorrow, the end of an era with an almost 3 hour long runtime. There is no time to die, but you only live twice Mr. Craig, and here's hoping for an all time high.

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