Mortal Kombat Annihilation

What a heavy load Einstein must have had. F***ing morons everywhere!

I'm in a bad mood, like what an absolute waste of 90 minutes and 3 dollars, both of which I will never get back. I don't need to tell you this movie is a dumpster fire, anyone with a brainstem can witness that and testify to it. That was the one thing I did not like in the first Mortal Kombat was they sequel baited it at the end, and one of the only few good things I can say about this movie is that it picks up right where the last movie ended. Now I pose this question because my knowledge of Mortal Kombat is basic, harboring on adept, is Shao Khan the emperor of Outworld? Cause that's who Raiden said turned up, and I'm not sure. But anyway so he pops up bringing with him a cabal of nearly every villain up until Mortal Kombat 3, leading Liu, Katana, Sonya, and a healthy dose of new characters to stop him. I will now disclose the 3 things I liked about this movie, we actually get a Scorpion vs. Sub-Zero fight which was missing in the last which was kind of a bummer but I didn't mind much, and the fight goes for a decent length here and easily is the best fight in the entire movie. The soundtrack isn't bad with good tracks, with of course Techno Syndrome still the main theme. And Sandra Hess as Sonya Blade, I'm not joking she actually did really really good in this movie, and I have zero issue with Bridgette in the first film but her performance was 99% pouty and pissed off, but Sandra is the best actor in the film for my money, giving a lot of humor and warmth for lack of a better word, she's awesome. Everything else, what. Like man when even my technologically inept ass could probably make a better fan made Mortal Kombat movie in terms of special effects and costumes, I really have no words. I have seen bad CG, many a time in fact, this might be the worst. I mean wow. Everything is so slap dash in this f***ing movie, literally every aspect, I'm almost positive there was a blood sacrifice to Azazel for this movie to even hit theaters. Yes, this was theatrically released. Not direct to VHS which is how I saw it when I rented it from Blockbuster when I was probably 12, and I don't remember liking it even back then. I like the scene with Jade, though I'm positive that was for more specific reasons...in fact every guy in this movie hits on Jade. You need to get laid filmmakers. I just...I'm so done with this movie. I was done with it 5 minutes in, if you honestly sit through this longer than 5 or 6 minutes and you don't have to review it like me, superhuman endurance man, like proper incredible feats of patience and acceptance. Death is only a temporary moment of displeasure for true peace. Just watch Cinemassacre's Rental Review, I'm done, I'm away. What did I give the animated movie? Like a 2 or 3/10? Shit. 0.5 star, 1/10, never again. Let's hope the new animated movie is good so we can get off the bumpy road of quality.

Halloween 6

We're doing the theatrical cut. There's no way in all the circles of hell I'm watching two versions of this garbage.

I got so fed up with this movie not only did I have to take several breaks before I finished it, but I was browsing through the Criterion Collection because I needed something good to watch after the fact. I can say without the slightest hyperbole, the filmmakers do not know Halloween. At all. This film is the reason we got Halloween: 20 Years Later and it dropped the continuity. And the first and most evident fact to my claim is that Michael Myers, The Shape who is purely and simply evil, that stalks and kills countless people, has come from a terrifying singular unstoppable force of nature to a pawn in a cult that originates all the way back in the time of the Druids. That's all the information on the cult that you get, I don't even think you know the name of the cult, they dedicate themselves to choosing....sweet Jesus this movie is ass, just bear with me here. So they explain the cult chooses a member of a family to kill off their entire bloodline to prevent famine and plague, or at least that's what I gathered. Not only is this a complete and utter BETRAYAL of the Halloween story, but it doesn't even make sense in terms of the story. What do I mean by this? Well, Jamie Lloyd is all grown up now and thankfully not played by Danielle Harris, and I say you dodged a bullet with this movie hon, and she just gave birth to a baby boy in this weird ass cult and Michael is hot on their trail to kill both of them. Jamie bites the dust, and Tommy Doyle from the first movie finds the baby and brings the whole Strode family into the crosshairs of Michael. So they're trying to keep the baby safe but who's the dad? Enter the cult rant: WARNING RANT AHEAD, VACATE THE PREMISES. This f***ing cult fails spectacularly in every way possible, not only is it set up abysmally beyond reason like I said we don't even know the name of the cult but whatever, but the motives and the way they try to achieve their goals defies all logic and reason. So we noted the cult is formed on a druid sacrifice of an entire bloodline right? Well, they suck at fulfilling that oath. Hard. Michael needs to wipe out his family right? Well let's see, killed his sister, failed to kill his other sister and she died of I guess an accident, took over 15 years to get his niece, and there's this little problem that MICHAEL IMPREGNATED HIS NIECE!! WHAT??! WHAT IS THAT GOING TO ACCOMPLISH, ARE YOU SHITTING ME UP THE ASS??? Ohh my head......so yeah, Michael Myers is a uncle daddy now. Did you know there's a magic drink that can help you forget this movie? It's called bleach. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, great job cult leaders you suck so bad at killing people you gave birth to another target. Oh but we're just getting started folks on how much this movie is a blight upon the planet. Now let me be clear, I have no issue with a cult which started in ancient times, it ties well with Season Of The Witch and the origins of Halloween. Just don't add Michael Myers to the mix. Leave that to another movie outside this series. Or hell, if Halloween followed in the direction set by Season Of The Witch this would be awesome! A return of the mystical, sacrificial origins of Halloween, maybe with Connal Cochran back somehow in a new body with a new plan! God, that would be an amazing return after 2 anthology movies! But it's not all down to the cult why this movie sucks the root, it is a shoddily made movie almost akin to a trashy, 90s, trying to hard to be edgy, music video long before Rob Zombie got his hands on this series, with oblique angles, nauseating use of strobe lights, idiotic and out of place edits, almost as if the movie is trying to compensate for lack of story with visuals seen from an amateur filmmaker who really wanted to make this series edgy and a bit grunge. Just how did this series fall so far? Who dropped the ball and let it roll down the hill into the lake? The actor's suck, especially with the guy who plays Tommy, I know they try to pass off he's been not all mentally there after the events of the first movie but I got news for you, it didn't work. I mean like, Razzie award winning, did. Not. Work. Donald Pleasance is the only man who's trying, and it saddens me this movie was his last movie. The film is in memory of him, and what a great tribute. This may be worse than Expendables 3. No, scratch that. It is. At least Expendables 3 still felt like The Expendables, and yes it did have a direct to DVD direction to it but at least it kinda made sense. This movie? Dare even say it's the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. Manos, The Room, Birdemic, Sharknado, Baby Geniuses ain't got nothing on this movie. There are exactly 2 good things in this movie, Donald Pleasance and the death of Mr. Strode cause he was a massive cock. I am livid right now and I have no idea how to calm down, other than stab several people to death with a Lamson 9" kitchen knife, but that shit is expensive so here I am. I'm done. Halloween: 20 Years Later tomorrow, or Halloween H20 for you people out there. It's 20 Years Later, what wiseass thought that was a good idea? Whatever, f*** it I'm done, goodnight.

RANT: Doctor Who Betrayed me!!

Alright with the recent news concerning one of my favorite shows, I am disappointed and mad and betrayed by that show frankly. I have been watching the show regularly since about 2010 and needless to say as the years went on the show has been on a bit of a downward spiral in certain instances, not entirely but in...aspects. It's good to vent and I'm going to rant and rave for awhile so there is now a full SPOILER WARNING for this show.

So really I have been watching the show for going on 7 years out of a show history of now over 50 years. And the problems really started cropping up in the late Matt Smith era continuing full on with Peter Capaldi's tenure. And it all started with the monsters and how they have SEVERELY screwed with the lore of these creatures. Strike one, the Weeping Angels. Blink, what a great episode! The two part story The Time Of Angels/Flesh And Stone, good story. The Angels Take Manhattan.....here we go. Now let me be clear, I am over the deaths of Amy and Rory, that is not the issue here. What is the issue is the fundamental betrayal and destruction of a fascinating and terrifying force. Blink in my opinion at the end makes the viewer ask the question of is every single statue a Weeping Angel? In my humble opinion I took it as not every statue is an Angel, but some could be. Angels Take Manhattan, every single statue on Earth including the fraking Statue Of Liberty is a Weeping Angel. Oh and you seriously expect me to believe not one person in New York City at any given hour does not have the Statue Of mother....THE Statue Of Liberty in eyesight??  Bulllllshiiiiiiittt!!!! And I guess you also expect me to believe statues can inhale oxygen to blow out a match? How about blow me? Jesus Christ. And then, and then after all of them are defeated one stray Angel, the magic bullet from the grassy knoll zaps Amy and Rory away. What a terrible episode. Again, I'm not mad they are gone, I am mad they had to break every rule of these things in order to get rid of them. But that was just strike one, we got a lot more to cover. Then we got Clara, not a strike against the show I quite enjoyed her character greatly but that waned over time but trust me we will get back to her. Strike two, the Cybermen. Now from when they were introduced I digged them, it showed a natural progression of how they adapted more and more throughout their appearances until Nightmare In Silver and then they screwed it up! They are way too powerful, before they had energy weapons in their arms, fine, but now they have firearms, they have super speed, super strength, the ability to detach limbs to kill others, tiny Cybermats to convert people, and the ability to fly!! I joked that the designs of the suit mirrored Iron Man to an absurd degree but they are quite literally Iron Man! They even fly like him, they got the repulsors in the palms of their hands and take off the same way. What a stupid choice! Now one single solitary Cyberman could convert the entire human race. It's the same problem as with zombies in select media, a single zombie should not be able to do much. They are supposed to overwhelm you in numbers, not be these superfast, unstoppable creatures. It pisses on decades of seeing them through different incarnations. Damn it! Oh yeah and apparently they don't have to be metal, they can be wood! The genius is mind boggling. I want to hurt people now. But wait, there's more! We can't screw over one classic monster, let's destroy the Daleks too. Beautiful, perfect! Now Daleks are just mutated creatures inside a metal shell, the metal shell is not supposed to be like a human body, with friggin' robotic white blood cells and digesting processed human bodies (fraking what?!), it just ruins the most classic villain in over 50 years of this show! But why stop there? Let's ruin the Master too. What's that? Her name is Missy? I don't care!! Mechelle Gomez why? Why did you do this? Your performance was brilliant, slightly off but brilliant until one of the biggest slaps in the face, not the biggest believe me it's moment is inching closer but I digress. Her performance was mysterious and there is a sense of danger and uneasiness in mystery, you don't know who this woman is, what her plan is, and it worked! You never knew much about the Master which is why he worked so well as a character. But then this, this campy, over the top performance ruins any and all dramatic potential and emotional climax I wanted. Now granted you could argue previous performances of the Master was over the top and in John Simm's case it was absolutely insane but that is why it worked. He joked and acted campy but he was insane, he still installed fear into the heroes, you never knew what he would do next. Then friggin' Missy comes busting out acting like a fool, and people accepted it. She could get away with anything because, welp she's crazy, she's a zany, kooky, weirdo, nothing she does has to make sense. You are a liar. There always has to be purpose and reasoning in a character's actions even if they are nuttier than a Pay Day bar! And her plan was absurd. So let me get this straight, artificially produced clouds, rain water on the graves of deceased people and then...the water singlehandedly transforms the corpses no matter how much in decay they are to become Cybermen? Cybermen need a brain in order to function! There's science, there's pseudoscience, and then there's insulting my intelligence. How interesting is that, both two part season finales with Peter Capaldi really fail miserably? Well, kinda. Heaven Sent was fricking brilliant! It was easily one of the best episodes of Doctor Who ever created. But before we head to the grand finale of this special little tyrade, let's touch on Clara. Great character at the start, Jenna Coleman was awesome, she was witty, no nonsense, had terrific chemistry with both of her Doctor's. But then it started to suck hard and I can pinpoint the exact moment. It was when she started dating Danny Pink. I hate him. I hate him with the fury of a billion suns. It's like if Mickey Smith had no character arc whatsoever, constantly stayed in the bitch phase and never grew to be a badass. He just bitches, and complains, and whines that ooh the Doctor is dangerous Clara! You need to stay away from him and always be with me, cause that's all you need in life! Boohoohoo! Are you f***ing kidding me with this guy? I can't believe it. And she actually believes him. Yeah, screw you individuality and character growth and I don't know, a female having her own opinions and standing in HER LIFE. Nah, she'll just listen to the man in her life and be the end of that discussion. I'm happy you got hit by a car and turned into a Cyberman you swishy little ****, just to turn into a complete emo prat afterwards. What did I say earlier? We were going to talk about Clara? Sorry, the bullshit is piling up so quick I need a bigger shovel. So anyway, Clara dies and wonderfully so. It was a sad, profound, and honorable death to a character that impacted the Doctor in such a severe way, more so than Amy and Rory, his only family left that he had so that should clue you in on how hard it hit him. How to f*** it up now? Wait, I know! Let's slap every fan in the face who ever watched this show, loved it, and has been a longterm fan of it by completely bending the show over and raping it to death! Yeah! Hell Bent...bravo. Congratulations, you have made me despise a show I once adored. Where do I begin? It didn't get atrocious until the last maybe 20 minutes of the episode. So the Doctor destroys the laws of time and saves Clara's life, completely destroying her character, the significance of her death and many many other companions. Then we meet up with Maisie Williams, who I really like as an actress but God I hate her character! She's like the great, great, great, great, great×100,000 grandmother of all ****s, she drives me insane! And guess what? She and Clara steal a Type 40 TARDIS, with the original console room seen in 1963 and fly it into space. You know, I kinda made it a rule not to explicitly swear on this show, and I've....kinda kept that rule unbroken today but this moment made me erupt into a stream of every single cuss word in the English language because of how fundamentaly wrong it is. Two human beings cannot fly a TARDIS, only Timelord's can. I do not care how basic the console of the ship is. It is impossible. I have never felt such anger and contempt towards any sort of media in my life. I am shocked to my core. That is strike 3, this show is over to me. And the cherry on top of this shit sundae is Peter Capaldi has announced his leaving of the show at the end of Series 10. I intend to watch Series 10 but only because of the sole intention to properly send Capaldi off and watch his tenure come to an end. For those select few who are reading this, you are beyond excellent. You are the greatest in the universe. You guys are troopers, you read through all this stuff and still remain here. I should send medals to all of you. Thank you for your time, have a great day, night, yesterday, and tomorrow. This is The Dude signing off.