Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Halloween 6

We're doing the theatrical cut. There's no way in all the circles of hell I'm watching two versions of this garbage.

I got so fed up with this movie not only did I have to take several breaks before I finished it, but I was browsing through the Criterion Collection because I needed something good to watch after the fact. I can say without the slightest hyperbole, the filmmakers do not know Halloween. At all. This film is the reason we got Halloween: 20 Years Later and it dropped the continuity. And the first and most evident fact to my claim is that Michael Myers, The Shape who is purely and simply evil, that stalks and kills countless people, has come from a terrifying singular unstoppable force of nature to a pawn in a cult that originates all the way back in the time of the Druids. That's all the information on the cult that you get, I don't even think you know the name of the cult, they dedicate themselves to choosing....sweet Jesus this movie is ass, just bear with me here. So they explain the cult chooses a member of a family to kill off their entire bloodline to prevent famine and plague, or at least that's what I gathered. Not only is this a complete and utter BETRAYAL of the Halloween story, but it doesn't even make sense in terms of the story. What do I mean by this? Well, Jamie Lloyd is all grown up now and thankfully not played by Danielle Harris, and I say you dodged a bullet with this movie hon, and she just gave birth to a baby boy in this weird ass cult and Michael is hot on their trail to kill both of them. Jamie bites the dust, and Tommy Doyle from the first movie finds the baby and brings the whole Strode family into the crosshairs of Michael. So they're trying to keep the baby safe but who's the dad? Enter the cult rant: WARNING RANT AHEAD, VACATE THE PREMISES. This f***ing cult fails spectacularly in every way possible, not only is it set up abysmally beyond reason like I said we don't even know the name of the cult but whatever, but the motives and the way they try to achieve their goals defies all logic and reason. So we noted the cult is formed on a druid sacrifice of an entire bloodline right? Well, they suck at fulfilling that oath. Hard. Michael needs to wipe out his family right? Well let's see, killed his sister, failed to kill his other sister and she died of I guess an accident, took over 15 years to get his niece, and there's this little problem that MICHAEL IMPREGNATED HIS NIECE!! WHAT??! WHAT IS THAT GOING TO ACCOMPLISH, ARE YOU SHITTING ME UP THE ASS??? Ohh my yeah, Michael Myers is a uncle daddy now. Did you know there's a magic drink that can help you forget this movie? It's called bleach. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, great job cult leaders you suck so bad at killing people you gave birth to another target. Oh but we're just getting started folks on how much this movie is a blight upon the planet. Now let me be clear, I have no issue with a cult which started in ancient times, it ties well with Season Of The Witch and the origins of Halloween. Just don't add Michael Myers to the mix. Leave that to another movie outside this series. Or hell, if Halloween followed in the direction set by Season Of The Witch this would be awesome! A return of the mystical, sacrificial origins of Halloween, maybe with Connal Cochran back somehow in a new body with a new plan! God, that would be an amazing return after 2 anthology movies! But it's not all down to the cult why this movie sucks the root, it is a shoddily made movie almost akin to a trashy, 90s, trying to hard to be edgy, music video long before Rob Zombie got his hands on this series, with oblique angles, nauseating use of strobe lights, idiotic and out of place edits, almost as if the movie is trying to compensate for lack of story with visuals seen from an amateur filmmaker who really wanted to make this series edgy and a bit grunge. Just how did this series fall so far? Who dropped the ball and let it roll down the hill into the lake? The actor's suck, especially with the guy who plays Tommy, I know they try to pass off he's been not all mentally there after the events of the first movie but I got news for you, it didn't work. I mean like, Razzie award winning, did. Not. Work. Donald Pleasance is the only man who's trying, and it saddens me this movie was his last movie. The film is in memory of him, and what a great tribute. This may be worse than Expendables 3. No, scratch that. It is. At least Expendables 3 still felt like The Expendables, and yes it did have a direct to DVD direction to it but at least it kinda made sense. This movie? Dare even say it's the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. Manos, The Room, Birdemic, Sharknado, Baby Geniuses ain't got nothing on this movie. There are exactly 2 good things in this movie, Donald Pleasance and the death of Mr. Strode cause he was a massive cock. I am livid right now and I have no idea how to calm down, other than stab several people to death with a Lamson 9" kitchen knife, but that shit is expensive so here I am. I'm done. Halloween: 20 Years Later tomorrow, or Halloween H20 for you people out there. It's 20 Years Later, what wiseass thought that was a good idea? Whatever, f*** it I'm done, goodnight.

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