Conan The Barbarian

I won't lie, I liked it.

I have no clue what the consensus is on this movie, good or bad, I heard Conan The Destroyer pretty much sucks but this one I find is good! Out of all the movies this week I had the most background and foreknowledge on this movie, yet even then there was plenty I did not know or expect. A popular plot I'm sure, concerning a young boy who watches his village be burned and his parents murdered before being enslaved, and through the years becomes a mass of muscle with vengeance on the mind as he obtains freedom, meets companions, and eventually settles the score with the evil sorcerer who perpetrated it all. But what I greatly enjoy is the movie is a notch over 2 hours and it actually takes it's time liberally moving from plot point to plot point. It's not in a constant rush where it's a checklist of tasks to gain enough experience points to face the evil mage, it lets the plot and characters have their moments with the exploits of Conan having time to sink in. Despite the barbarian moniker he possesses Conan is a war master with several weapons, gifted with languages and writing, and while lavishing in the decadence of the barbarian lifestyle of PMS (Plunder, Murder, and Sex) there's more to him. Arnold is great casting and it is pretty hilaruously awesome to see him on this quest and wrecking fools, yet from all the stories I've read he was monumentally grateful for the role and wanted to do it as best as he could to which I say he did without fault. James Earl Jones is our villainous cult leader Thulsa Doom which may be the coolest bad guy name ever, and I'll admit this he's kinda scarier and far more intimidating than Vader, he just has this unearthly gaze and you know he's a threat from the start. The guy doesn't speak a word till past the hour mark but you can tell Thulsa Doom means business. Sandhal Bergman, what a badass she was in this movie playing Valeria, taking on an almost Amazon warrior vibe and at the same pace as Conan throughout and while the romance initially seemed quick as hell the chemistry and moments they share I buy completely! And we have Mako as our resident wizard, no complaints from me man, he's cool! Much more action in this one, keeping the blood packs flowing and decent choreography throughout so good work there. Let me tell you something though man, I'm not sure they liked making cuts in the editing room. For those heavyweights or just alcoholic folk out there, take a shot everytime there is a cross dissolve or cross fade as it's sometimes called. Good sweet lord, you're gonna need a liver transplant before we're through. I'm fairly certain the movie performed well and it seems like the crew making the movie formed a tight community, so a lot of the love and care show on film in some variety or another and I had a pretty dang good time watching it so yeah, full recommendation from me. I give it 4 stars, 8/10, ended on a high note and added some more experience to my geek level. I'll be casting 8th level magic in no time.

Terminator 2 Judgement Day

Alright, I shall concede.

I not only would say Terminator 2 is superior to the first movie but is one of the few sequels that are better in every single way. All the elements that were birthed in the universe of the first Terminator movie are not only expanded upon but I think done better, I mean no shock there this movie had a severely improved budget and we were nearing an era of unprecedented special effects. I mean this movie hit before Jurassic Park and proved that we have the means, we have the technology, we can do something big. And don't even ask how in the moons of Mars they pulled half these CG shots off, it's downright absurd how good it still looks today. Shit, if I'm being really honest it looks better than 90% of movie's effects today. It might as well be magic, and by God do I miss those days of movie magic. So where do we go after the arduous battle with the T-800? Well the war is still kinda going in 2029, mark your calendars and buy stock in Apple everybody so we can die, and our band of resistance meatsacks sends a reprogrammed T-800 back in time after Skynet sends a completely unheard of model, the T-1000, back to not only exterminate Sarah Connor but her son John. So we meet up with the hero of the human race who turns out was a wiseass street smark punk back in the day, as very quickly the chase is on. We meet up with Sarah who has got major PTSD after the bullshit she went through last film, and the trio set out to destroy the company that unwittingly crafted Skynet while desperately trying not to get shanked by a liquid metal Robert Patrick. It's pretty spectacular. I mean already the movie throws you for a curveball and takes a similar but drastically different plot synopsis of the first movie, the action is still some of the best I've seen and you can sure as hell tell it's real, the actors are all given good material to work with in particular Linda and Arnold. I could probably make a case that Arnold gets the award for acting in this, because it is a stark contrast from the first, with him getting into conversations, learning human emotion, and developing a personality throughout. Don't get me wrong, he was really friggin' good in the first movie but he obviously gets a lot more to do in this. Linda Hamilton is just like, f***ing go big or go home, my God is she going for it and succeeds spectacularly! Her character gets more developed, and her performance gets more developed. I am here for it. I know some people give some good grief to Edward Furlong for his performance, but I bought it, I loved it, I thought he totally had the attitude and personality of a street smart kid and you can tell he really does give the performance his all. Easily one of the best young actors I've seen. But good sweet lord, so much was riding on Robert Patrick in this movie, and it payed off in aces. That's some of the most brilliant casting I've ever seen, he's not physically imposing, he blends in a crowd, but the dread has been turnt up to 11! Arnold scared me just a wee bit in the last movie, but here? I'm out. Ju-nope. That is like, all the nope. F*** me, is his performance golden. He can play the role of a police officer but when the pendulum drops, game over man, there is nooo way you're walking out alive. Perfect. Absolute class. I'm trying so hard not to spiral down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out these special effects, I can't believe how well it turned out and I could watch hours of documentary footage on this and still not have a clue how the T-1000 came to life. So I'll just move on to final scores. 4 stars, 8.5/10! And there was never another Terminator movie again, the end. The story's done, yeah we could take a Ian Malcolm stance on it and say that in the case of Skynet, "Life uh, finds a way." but come on, they introduced and tied up the loose ends for a reason. We had an arc, we had closure, it wasn't an insult to my intelligence, that's it. Bye-bye, I'll see you next week for....something.

The Terminator

It's a bad time to be a movie reviewer. Nothing is coming out on time.

So let's set the wayback machine for 1984, to check out one of the best sci-fi movies and has left a mark indescribable in size for movies and pop culture. I was very impressed with this movie and it has been considerable time since I last sat down to watch it, we're talking easily a decade here. But I'll be damned if I said it didn't hold up. I actually did forget that James Cameron directed both movies, everyone talks about his work on Terminator 2 but never this one which is a shame cause he had it just as much then and I like the fact he wrote it as well so it truly does feel like his movie. Now the plot is as original as you see it to be, to regular moviegoing audiences the concept of a raging war between man and machine that has reached a stalemate leading both sides to send agents back in time, to save and kill respectively, an important figure that would lead to the defeat of the machines, would be an awesomely original concept and it no doubt is executed about as perfect as you can get but there have been other stories like it before that time and place. Hell, certain plot elements is a spin off of the Grandfather Paradox which in and of itself is a spin off of the Bootstrap Paradox. Google it. So it handles all the elements incredibly well. The time travel is explained and works uniquely, the action is done incredibly well, the special effects were really unlike anything else, even the romance angle isn't half bad. Add on top of that the great camera work, the f***ing hardcore soundtrack, really damn good acting, and you truly have a great movie. Now why it garnered so much popularity and success is another story, the film performed pretty well at the box office and critics did like it but at the same time it took 7 years to make the next film, an unheard of occurence then and more so now. This really could have been the one and only but it had a half life all of it's own. I think just the concept of the film mixed with the excellent special effects is what got people to go see it, but let's talk about Arnold. I have heard so many people kinda bash his performance, "Oh he looks obviously like a giant robot, walks like one, talks like one, it's sort of hard to take him seriously.". F***ing and?? How is that a bad thing? He embodies the role in an almost method actor way, he doesn't move more than he has to, rarely speaks, handles weapons with eerily precise speed and movement, I genuinely was taken aback by his performance but in the best way possible. He kinda scares the hell out of me just a bit, exactly as he should. The film knows how to build that tension, dread, and even anxiety especially towards the end. So...piss off maybe? It's a great movie, easily making it's own genre that Cameron himself dubbed Tech-Noir, a very appropriate title, and unexpectedly got raped into a franchise. It happens. 4 stars, 8/10! Will the sequel surpass this one like it does in many people's eyes? Possibly, but I would never argue if you said the first was still the best. I'll be back.

Predator

I know, I know. The Predator hit theaters last Friday, I planned around it and that review will get here on Friday. More details tomorrow.

Predator is such an interesting case, I mean it's an action movie first yes, but the fact it juggles action, suspense, with a touch of sci-fi and horror and does it really, really well must be commended because not many movies can do that. So our story introduces us to a crack team of commandos sent to a Central America jungle to rescue hostages but soon discover they are being stalked and hunted by a mysterious figure. I don't think I need to divulge more, because Predator is such a well known and popular film so even if you haven't seen it you probably know a bit about it. And to think though Predator isn't exactly a huge film franchise, the fanbase is strong and has been slowly growing ever since 1987 with no doubt a huge boom in the 90s due to the Alien Vs. Predator franchise that kicked off and has become possibly more popular than either series, and all that came from a well crafted yet humble action/sci-fi film. It's such a good and engaging story, regardless of how many times you've seen it, the enjoyment factor never dwindles but why exactly? Is it the characters and the actors who potrayed them, or perhaps it's just good suspense with a interesting story and great potential for future stories? I can't fully explain how Predator became such a cult film series but I'm glad nevertheless that it's around. I don't think I really need to talk characters cause well, come on. Friggin' Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, and good ol' Bill Duke are so easily recognizable and are great in just about anything! The Predator itself is such a unique design and gave so much information about itself without really revealing anything about it's culture or insight and I actually really like that. There is a lot of mystery in this movie and it works very well. The soundtrack though comprising very few tracks does a great service to the movie and really amps that adrenaline and uneasiness throughout. I'm very very happy I finally get a chance to go through the Predator movies, and I find it kinda funny how Shane Black one of the actors from this movie is directing the brand new one that just came out, I look forward to seeing what he brought to the table. But we got Predator 2 before we hit that, so we'll see if it outdoes the first or merely give us another good movie.

Batman & Robin

This is it. This is my last review. I am about to lose all credibility as a critic. It's the end.

Batman & Robin is a very campy throwback to the Adam West series, with a ludicrous plot, cartoon action, puns galore, and resulted in the death of the Batman for about 10 years in film. But before we delve into the plot, let's look at the good parts. George Clooney is perfect casting to play Batman and he is a terrific Batman but he had to deal with some bullshit in this movie! If not for the awesomely ridiculous plot this would be one of the best potrayals of Batman ever. Second, I still love the look of Gotham City in this movie. The art designer himself stated it was like "...the world fair on steroids" and that is pretty awesome! Also, big praise towards the fact they adopted the Animated Series origin of Mr. Freeze, that was pretty great that they added that human emotion to his character. And lastly, the best part of the entire movie is when Bruce and Alfred talk about life and death. Alfred is terminally ill and that already is very heartbreaking but it gets more sad, they are very quiet scenes where Bruce and Alfred talk about their relationship. Life and death, happiness and sadness, the fact that they are not just master and butler but family who love each other. That is what I take away from this movie. Alfred has always reminded me of my grandfather, and my grandfather got very sick and passed away. And everytime I see those moments, I remember him. And it is because of those scenes that elevates this film higher than most other people would deem it. Sorry about that emotional bomb, it's just what I remember most. But we will delve into the plot now. Crazy plot even whenever summarized so bear with me here. Batman is called to action once again battling the frigid Mr. Freeze, who teams up with both the lethal Poison Ivy and the behemoth Bane to destroy Gotham and break the Bat. It gets more ridiculous in depth, but I just wanted to give a brief overview of the madness. Now for the bad parts! And I'll try to keep it short and coherent. Where do I begin? You know, the whole bat nipple thing never really bothered me especially after Joel Schumacher said he modeled the suits after Greek statues and I thought that was pretty clever so no issue there. But my God, they butchered Bane. If you saw The Dark Knight Rises, you know how Bane is and he is so much more than that potrayal in the comics but they screwed him up the most more than any other villain! At least with the others, they got the basics right about what they can do, what their backstory is, simple stuff like that but with Bane...fail! The ice puns...they actually kinda make me laugh just because how horrible they are. Yeah the jokes really suck in this movie, and the action ain't much better. I'm still debating which is worse, but I think I lean more to the jokes. At least the action, while silly is still done well (kinda). I just can't recommend this movie unless you are morbidly curious or just enjoy bad movies. Take what you will from this review for better or worse, and decide if you have the sheer nerves to sit through the whole thing.

And with that ends the Batman marathon. After this review, I need something good. Something that makes me happy. Something maybe new! Next week, the first week of May so let's get some more brand new films in here.

The Expendables 2

Re-watching this again, I have to say it's leaps and bounds better than the first.



I'm serious, everything that was good in the first Expendables is even better in the second one. The dialogue is better and is even funnier than the first, we get to know the characters better and even see some new additions to the team, the action is just all around better and that is very evident from the very first action scene, cause in the first movie it was really just a standoff for some hostages but in the second one it's a straight up rescue mission and it is so much bigger and more flashy and exciting. So the story of The Expendables 2 is that Bruce Willis contacts Sylvester Stallone and company to retrieve a mysterious object from a shot down plane in Albania, the team soon gathers together including their two new members of the team played by Liam Hemsworth and Nan Yu to retrieve secret data and return it back to the U.S. government before it falls into the wrong hands. But our heroes soon come face to face with the villain of the movie, whose name is Vilain....I am so not kidding it's only one letter away from spelling villain played by Guile himself from Street Fighter The Movie, Jean-Claude Van Damme who I got to say is an interesting choice for the villain of this movie and I'm not sure why but he's just a joy to watch. And just like in Street Fighter I can barely understand what he is saying, like I understand Christian Bale's Batman better than this guy. His accent is what does it, it sounds ger-russian-nese but it's still pretty cool to see him in the movie. So the chase is on to stop Vilain from using the secret data to cause chaos in the world. I think the reason why I enjoy this movie better than the first is because of the better dialogue and the new characters we get to see in action, even though the dialogue is very tongue and cheek sometimes, like there's this scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger tells Terry Crews to give him his gun and Terry Crews says, "If I don't get this back your ass is terminated." and it's dialogue like that which makes he movie a bit more fun, but we don't only get to see Arnold throw down and shoot em' up, we even get the most badass dude in existence to help out our heroes, Chuck Norris. And yeah he kicks the most ass in this movie, he's one handing this big machine gun tearing through guys left and right, he takes out a friggin' tank and he even says one of the Chuck Norris facts about how a king cobra bit him and after 5 days of pain the cobra died. Best part of the movie but another fantastic part of the movie is Dolph Lundgren and he is my favorite character in the entire film, cause he is super smart like he can make a bomb out of just a few ingredients, and he keeps hitting on the girl who tags along on the mission with him, he's totally awesome. So yeah, this movie was a hell of a lot better than the first, and I think the best part of The Expendables movies are the continuity is loose, like it's not necessary to watch the first movie to get the second movie so you can just skip the first movie and go straight for the second movie. This is The Expendables movie you have to see if you want to watch the franchise, so I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did, and I will see you guys and gals tomorrow when we wrap up the trilogy.