Thursday, June 6, 2019

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

And no it is not called Turtles In Time! I will stab the next person who even dares compares that game to this horrible movie!

How do you royally screw up the Turtles going back to feudal Japan? Well the answer is this movie but come on this idea is pretty awesome! In fact it's practically a staple in the series and it makes sense, the Foot Clan was founded in feudal Japan, Shredder's ancestors are from Japan, you could even do some bullcrap revisioned history where the Turtles teach ninjutsu to combat samurai or even aid samurai becauses the practices and cornerstones of ninjutsu were founded when samurai were still a force to be reckoned with! But nooooo! You pull a nonsensical Back To The Future rip off with terrible villains, a dull story, lackluster fights, and downright painful dialogue that I wouldn't force upon any child! Ugh, okay gotta backtrack. So the story opens up with April again played by Paige Turco purchasing a antique that turns out to be a time scepter whisking away not just her but all the turtles back to 17th century Japan where some rebellion is being formed against a tyranical Daimyo which is actually a step below in rank from a Shogun but whatever, so the Turtles have to do battle to reclaim the scepter and return to their time. It honestly doesn't sound that bad written on paper but the devil is in the details and there are a lot of details to talk about. The costumes though still maneuverable look like ass and that's mainly because Jim Henson's studio had no part of the effects like in the last two movie due to a low budget, which also made it difficult to do everything else. The villains are stock, we have the Daimyo and a british....arms dealer(?) I have no clue who he is and neither are very interesting or even entertaining. The sets while done well in some instances are very few so get used to seeing the sewer, the castle, and the village cause that's about it. They got Casey Jones back, same guy and everything which is really awesome cause he still has that charm and sense of humor but he is 150% wasted!! That sucks dude, he's a lot of fun in this movie and it was great seeing him back but he didn't have anything to do! I could totally see him beating the crap out of soldiers with his various sporting goods, hitting on every cute asian girl he sees, and the more I think about it he would be a regular Jack Burton from Big Trouble In Little China! Come on! That would be so cool! But no, wasted potential. The fights though on occasion shows the physical prowess of these stunt actors, just fall so short. It is about turtles who know ninja fighting styles versus samurai, how can you be this boring?? And the worst crime of all is the writing, the jokes are horrendous and sometimes make less than zero sense, the dialogue itself sometimes isn't bad but it's on such rare occassion you just check out. God this really pisses me off now, because the first movie was just right in every aspect and was honestly a great and fun movie for kids that even adults could enjoy and sit through, then we get to the second where it's a bit more silly and corny but you can watch it as a guilty pleasure because you still have fun with it's absurdness. But this? Ugh. Stay away. Just...just don't. The Nostalgia Critic's reaction was pretty spot on, and created the perfect word to describe it. Now all I want to do is watch the first movie and about 3 Kurosawa movies to wash this garbage out of my mouth. And you should too, watch the first movie and a combination of Throne Of Blood, Sanjuro, and Ran. Done! Perfect! Skip this horrible death of a promising series of Ninja Turtle action. I also highly recommend the Critic and AVGN's reviews as well, very entertaining and can put it into better perspective. And I have an update for everyone this Saturday. Damn! What a bad movie!

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