Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

And no it is not called Turtles In Time! I will stab the next person who even dares compares that game to this horrible movie!

How do you royally screw up the Turtles going back to feudal Japan? Well the answer is this movie but come on this idea is pretty awesome! In fact it's practically a staple in the series and it makes sense, the Foot Clan was founded in feudal Japan, Shredder's ancestors are from Japan, you could even do some bullcrap revisioned history where the Turtles teach ninjutsu to combat samurai or even aid samurai becauses the practices and cornerstones of ninjutsu were founded when samurai were still a force to be reckoned with! But nooooo! You pull a nonsensical Back To The Future rip off with terrible villains, a dull story, lackluster fights, and downright painful dialogue that I wouldn't force upon any child! Ugh, okay gotta backtrack. So the story opens up with April again played by Paige Turco purchasing a antique that turns out to be a time scepter whisking away not just her but all the turtles back to 17th century Japan where some rebellion is being formed against a tyranical Daimyo which is actually a step below in rank from a Shogun but whatever, so the Turtles have to do battle to reclaim the scepter and return to their time. It honestly doesn't sound that bad written on paper but the devil is in the details and there are a lot of details to talk about. The costumes though still maneuverable look like ass and that's mainly because Jim Henson's studio had no part of the effects like in the last two movie due to a low budget, which also made it difficult to do everything else. The villains are stock, we have the Daimyo and a british....arms dealer(?) I have no clue who he is and neither are very interesting or even entertaining. The sets while done well in some instances are very few so get used to seeing the sewer, the castle, and the village cause that's about it. They got Casey Jones back, same guy and everything which is really awesome cause he still has that charm and sense of humor but he is 150% wasted!! That sucks dude, he's a lot of fun in this movie and it was great seeing him back but he didn't have anything to do! I could totally see him beating the crap out of soldiers with his various sporting goods, hitting on every cute asian girl he sees, and the more I think about it he would be a regular Jack Burton from Big Trouble In Little China! Come on! That would be so cool! But no, wasted potential. The fights though on occasion shows the physical prowess of these stunt actors, just fall so short. It is about turtles who know ninja fighting styles versus samurai, how can you be this boring?? And the worst crime of all is the writing, the jokes are horrendous and sometimes make less than zero sense, the dialogue itself sometimes isn't bad but it's on such rare occassion you just check out. God this really pisses me off now, because the first movie was just right in every aspect and was honestly a great and fun movie for kids that even adults could enjoy and sit through, then we get to the second where it's a bit more silly and corny but you can watch it as a guilty pleasure because you still have fun with it's absurdness. But this? Ugh. Stay away. Just...just don't. The Nostalgia Critic's reaction was pretty spot on, and created the perfect word to describe it. Now all I want to do is watch the first movie and about 3 Kurosawa movies to wash this garbage out of my mouth. And you should too, watch the first movie and a combination of Throne Of Blood, Sanjuro, and Ran. Done! Perfect! Skip this horrible death of a promising series of Ninja Turtle action. I also highly recommend the Critic and AVGN's reviews as well, very entertaining and can put it into better perspective. And I have an update for everyone this Saturday. Damn! What a bad movie!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze

Yeahhhh this movie isn't that great.

I sure loved it as a kid though and while I did have fun with it now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 does not pull an Empire Strikes Back in terms of quality. But it's a fine movie, it's a guilty pleasure if nothing else, but certainly not horrible. Okay so we pick up surprisingly not long after the Turtles beat Shredder, as they have shacked up with April while trying to find a new place to live, and I gotta say the continuity was such a nice surprise and is one of the few better things in the movie, meanwhile Shredder has returned and acquires a canister of ooze with mutagenic properties in which he makes (not) Bebop and Rocksteady and wages war once again with our favorite pizza eating reptiles. You can very quickly tell the tone has changed almost a 180° from the opening credits, bright colorful opening shots of New York City with even more colorful title cards, already throwing the more edgy gritty view out the window. I will say however that pizza has never looked better outside the Goofy movies in this opening sequence. Soon we meet our big co-star Keano who actually played Donatello's actual physical stuntperson in the first movie, and he's okay but they don't do much with him and you miss the charm of Casey Jones in this movie but I can't bash the kid too much. We get a new actress as April and I like her too, I get the more feisty reporter angle from this April though the original is still my favorite. And last but certainly not least we have an acclaimed actor here for.....some reason! Yeah I have no idea why David Warner is here but screw it he's the best part of the movie hands down. Again, I don't hate the movie but most everyone unanimously agrees it's a step down in quality but there was a lot I liked. Our new side characters are good actors, David Warner is awesome as always though even he looks confused at what movie he's in, I dig the fact Shredder looks more like the cartoon version but alas no Uncle Phil voice, Tokah and Rahzar are cool looking villains for the Turtles though apparently they actually did want Bebop and Rocksteady in this movie, it has decent humor and even one instance of really good banter between Leo and Mikey. But the rest is just, eh. They tried in places to have that more emotional and teenage angst thing going on with the Turtles discovering their origins but they don't do much with it and it could have been really damn good. The fights are more comical and less choreographed with hardly any martial arts from the Turtles and just silly catchphrases and not entertaining fight scenes. You could appreciate the talent in the first movie and really get into the fights but here there's really nothing. You remember how I said the last movie wasn't just kids movie fluff used for a cash grab? This movie feels more like that. Just harmless fun for little kids who love Ninja Turtles and that's by no means a bad thing but you kinda want more if you're an adult revisiting this movie. Even the designs of the Turtles are a downgrade, they look more cartoon-y and apparently the poor guys couldn't even see out of the costumes which explains a lot! I just wanna go back and watch the first movie. Okay, let's talk about the scene. Jesus Christ.....okay so the Turtles fight Tokah and Rahzar and they bust into a dance club(?) right by a construction site(??) where Vanilla Ice is performing and totally makes up a choreographed hit song on the fly while everyone fights(????). Just why? Am I the only white person who just isn't a Vanilla Ice fan? This movie is so 90s. Not even in like a cool old school feel where you love going back and seeing it time and again, just a dated and kind of embarassing feel. But boy did it leave an impression! If you have some geeky ass friends who remember this movie and ask them to do the Ninja Rap with dance moves, they might just do it even now. The song is fun and catchy in that special guilty pleasure way, and it does ever so slightly, like microscopically make me want to dance but uh, it's still stupid. I don't wanna talk about Turtles 3! It's really really not good. But I gotta do it even though I just did a whole month of bad movies. See you tomorrow.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Yeah we're getting 90s in here people so strap in.

Yeah another reptilian movie after Godzilla but I got news for you, I was having the time of my life. Time for backstory! When I was 6 years old I owned this movie on VHS, I never heard of the cartoon, read the graphic novel, or anything. It was just a movie about fighting turtles and I absolutely loved it, I used to watch it and the second movie all the time and now over 15 years later I think I love it even more. I was a kid again watching this movie, quoting lines left and right, loving the fights, but I appreciate so much more now and I've gained knowledge about the making of the movie. See kids way back in the day before I was even a gleam in my mother's eye Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ruled the world, every kid loved it, there was merchandise coming out the ears, it was insanely popular in the late 80s and pretty soon producers wanted to make a movie. But absolutely no one wanted to do it, they had to take it to New Line Cinema who was still in it's infancy at the time to make it, and they really gave it their all. They wanted a more gritty, more badass edgy movie for teenagers but still make it suitable for kids and they exceeded spectacularly. It perfectly walks that tightrope of not being excessively violent and dark but also not being just another kid's movie fluff that parents would mentally check out on. The movie is hilarious but knows when to take it's time for mood, character, and even a tiny touch of atmosphere and they do everything so well. I know I'm just fanboying the hell out over this movie but it's true! This movie is fricking awesome man! It cherry picks the best elements of the cartoon and graphic novel to create a well done story, a crime wave of massive proportions has hit New York City done by thiefs with superior stealh abilities and it's not too long before we meet our heroes who with the help of a news reporter start fighting the mysterious attackers. It's incredibly basic but that doesn't mean it's boring or old hat. They treated it seriously and wanted to make a good movie. That is immediately recognized in the animatronics of the turtles, sweet heavenly pizza it is phenomenal! I'm serious they look so real it's ludicrous and they're not stiff puppets, you see them do flying kicks, cartwheels, roundhouse kicks, the costumes are done so well that it does not hinder the stunt performers and it is phenomenal! And of course it wouldn't be the turtles without their distinct voices, all given with such personality and charm that just deepens your immersion. And the soundtrack is rad from beginning to end! It's just...guys, watch this movie again if you haven't already it really is done incredibly well in all departments. And if my gushing love for this movie doesn't convince you, for the longest time this was the most successful and profitable independent film yet taking nearly a decade before it was topped by The Blair Witch Project in 1999. That's quite a reputation! I cannot recommend this movie enough, if you have an hour and a half to spare with friends order a pizza and have a movie night, especially if you were fans of it when you were younger. So after such a great opening entry, did the sequel continue the trend? Are Pogs still a thing? Well tune in tomorrow to find out!