Friday, February 15, 2019

Zilla (1998)

It does not deserve the "God" in the title! It does not!!

Why in God's name am I reviewing this movie? Well, I'm doing the Netflix Godzilla movies next week and screw it I'll tell you, I'm doing a whole month of bad movies in March so think of this as a prelude before the show truly begins! This movie suuuucks, and can you even believe this was how I was introduced to Godzilla? All because of this movie, back in either 1998 or 99 I got it on vhs and watched it a lot. Thankfully I have aged for the better and wiser. Which is about the only good thing I can say about this movie, but where do I start when there is so much fundamental wrongness and stupidity? First off, **** you Emmerich, you are probably the biggest reason why Godzilla is not that big here in the States, you completely assraped the character with a splintered broomstick and took no advice from Toho. They gave a list of do's and do not's to which the producers and director decided to wipe their ****ing ass with and throw it in our face!! I can sum up the movie in 7 words: BETRAYAL!!! BETRAYAL! BETRAYED ME! THIS MOVIE SUCKS!! But I'm only getting started. Already the film is off to a bullshit start trying to sell off the Bikini Atoll atomic bomb footage as atomic testing from France, and I'm not saying France probably has never used atomic energy but there's a difference okay? And this begins not only one of the most insulting movies I have ever seen in my life, but this weird fixation on France. I legitimately think this director could not flip off Japan harder if he tried, cause we get two scenes with any semblance of japanese...anything and it doesn't amount to really a thing. So we know there's a monster on the loose, it trashes this japanese fishing boat which then leads us to our main character Nick played by Matthew Broderick who is close to Marky Mark in The Happening levels of bad acting who is recruited to track the creature which takes us to New York City, ah the good ol' days where New York got trashed every other week before San Francisco started taking the poundings in recent years. There we meet more boring and idiot human characters, with one exception, I actually really like Hank Azaria as this cameraman Victor, he really is the shining star in this movie. He's a stand up guy, jokes a bit, really likable, and has to be the most ballsy cameraman ever, dude chases down a several story tall lizard on foot, I mean talk about dedicated to your work. But beyond him, the human scenes are a drag, and the monster scenes aren't that better. This is a checklist of how not to do a monster movie! First off, that is not Godzilla, that is a enlarged iguana with a chin that would make Superman envious, and is so not the king of the monsters we all know and love. I will now list all the reasons why. The design is terrible, it's an iguana not a dinosaur awoken by nuclear testing. He's kind of a (this is the only time I'm ever saying this in a review) pussy, he gets his claws cut up from tearing a ship apart, constantly runs away from the military, is killed by 12 missiles from fighter jets, and even roars like a bitch to be honest. Like really? Have you never seen a Godzilla movie? Why lie out of your filthy mouths and call it Godzilla if that is not either what you made or even wanted to make? Make it The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, it makes waaaay more sense and there's not much to screw up. He lays eggs, like what the flying bat out of hell are you on man? There's so much to bitch about, if I ever make videos one day I will split it up and watch the whole movie with commentary and rants for your viewing pleasure. Cause there was hit after hit on my idiot radar I couldn't even believe it. The incompetence is staggering. Everything is wrong. They try to satirize Siskel and Ebert and it is the most pathetic, infantile, and impotent way I have ever seen any form of media try to make fun of something. The leaps in logical science made me bash my head against the wall, just listen to this and try to spot the fault in logic. So the monster is attacked and actually bleeds, Nick gathers a sample then for some weird ass reason grabs pregnancy tests from a mom and pop pharmacy, mixes the blood with some bullshit science...fluids, tests it and wa-bam! Monster is pregnant, and even he calls out the stupidity by stating that the tests would not work the same cause you know reptiles and humans are practically the same, I mean how can you possibly confuse the two you motherfu-

I took some pills. It's not working. There's science, pseudo-science, and wasting my time and brain cells. The filmmakers try to outdo Speilberg at every turn, at first not showing the monster in water like Jaws, then they rip off the velociraptors for the monster's babies complete with similar set pieces like Jurassic Park, they do that one shot in Jaws when the camera zooms in on Chief Brody when he's on the beach and the background zooms out simultaneously. This is so a product of the 90s, and an unoriginal product of the 90s at that. This is a cinematic sin that blighted the planet to the point where Toho bought the movie rights, renamed the monster to Zilla, had Zilla go out like the nobody it was in Godzilla Final Wars, and even slammed the movie in GMK. Several actors and filmmakers of the Godzilla series, and especially fans eviscerated this movie, and the worst part, the crown jewel of this titanic shit sandwhich, they had the sheer gall to dedicate the movie to Tomoyuki Tanaka the original producer of the 1954 and many other Godzilla movies who passed away a year before the movie premiered. And I would be amazed if he was not rolling in his grave after the premiere. I am not happy. At. ****ing. All. Never see this movie. I will gladly report on the Netflix original Godzilla movies next week but honestly from the bits I've heard about it I'm not holding that much hope. But we shall see.

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