Return To Oz

How in the hell did this movie not only take about 45 years to get around but also combine horror, fantasy, while still retaining a family film feeling brought to you by Disney?

Return To Oz, a dark, deranged, and yet very entertaining and good film. It kinda takes a semi-sequel approach to the 1939 classic, but Dorothy is a small girl like in the book. So it's been a few months since the tornado hit Kansas and Dorothy has been telling people and constantly talking about Oz, to the point where her aunt and uncle send her to a psychiatric hospital. This is where the dark and gloomy setting begins. It's a dark house, with thunder and rain, and even the sounds of screams faintly heard. Jesus. But it gets worse! Dorothy gets One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest treatment, with a intimidating nurse, and the poor girl gets electroshock treatment. After a bad storm she arrives in Oz, but the creepy mood does not end there. The yellow brick road is torn asunder, the Emerald City is in ruins, and the citizens have been turned to stone. After that, it's really one creepy threat after another. I mean seriously, in the last movie the only real threat beyond the Wicked Witch of course, was those jerk trees that threw apples at Dorothy and her friends. Here, mother of mercy we got the Wheelers these odd cackling almost gang members with wheels for hands and feet, Mombi the ruler of Oz who has a chamber full of different decapitated heads, and The Nome King who has been destroying the beauty of Oz and making it a dark and dreary place. Ever since Dorothy got to the mental hospital, you get this unnerving, quiet discomfort and it only builds once we get to Oz. The film does such good stuff with this creepy and scary material, to the point where I was horrified and my body was recoiling from the screen (yes, it was THAT scene)! The film does such good work, the sets and designs of the new characters are great with my personal favorite being Jack Pumpkinhead. Oh yeah, they bring up Halloween so it does kinda fit that time of the year. The acting especially from Fairuza Balk holds the movie together and even parents could not dismiss this movie as just another kids movie. They probably just freak out as much as the kids do. But the film does not go overboard and will not traumatize your kid, it hits with the creepy and sometimes downright horrifying imagery done with fantastic stop motion animation, but I believe kids can look beyond that and be brave to get through those brief scenes and enjoy the movie. As I think parents can enjoy the movie, whether you are nostalgic about it or not. You know what, I just realized something. The film has this Something Wicked This Way Comes atmosphere and mood for a good portion of the film, from the hospital to the first couple of scenes in Oz, to Mombi's chambers, to The Nome King's palace. Oh, it really gets under your skin! I'm so happy to have seen this movie, and I urge people to find these sort of cult sequels to popular films, you can find true gems! Not every sequel is bad, you merely must be brave enough to explore.

Tron Legacy

Yeah, yeah I know. It took me 3 years to talk about Tron Legacy. But come on, it took them almost 30 years to make a sequel!

How did I get into Tron? I have no idea. I remember so much from around 2010 and yet shockingly nothing to do with the movie. I think it all started with the video game Tron Evolution, then I was kinda hooked man. I bought the soundtrack to this movie, bought the Identity Discs, the Light Cycles, I was a Tron fan before I even saw 10 seconds of film footage from either of the movies! I am one of the biggest fans of Tron you will ever know, so it should come as no shock that I love this movie. Tron Legacy is a very, very, very good movie. Where do I start with this movie? Well story is a great place to begin always, so we set the wayback machine to 1989, Kevin Flynn has been working in The Grid for 7 years, he has a son named Sam and life is going pretty good. Then he disappears for about 20 years. Good catch and intrigue already! We catch up with Sam, and he gets contacted by Alan and he tells Sam that he got a message from his dad's arcade so Sam investigates and gets sent to The Grid! After that, tons happens. We learn Flynn made a program Clu that went rogue and took over the system, a new lifeform is discovered in The Grid, and it's a mad rush for our heroes to get back to reality before Clu does. There's almost too much good in this movie. The effects are outstanding, we see such evolution in The Grid and all it's aspects, and there is such little details in every scene that is incredible to see! Characters have deep emotional connections to one another, relationships are explored, and it's interesting to delve into the character of Flynn. I could write an essay on it, but let's just say he's a damn fine character. But character is nothing without actors, and the cast is done really well! Jeff Bridges is full in The Dude mode and ugh I love it! Olivia Wilde really kinda steals the show for me, she is such an interesting character and her acting is amazing (plus I love the fact that her eyes are so ridiculously beautiful they didn't need to add contacts). Garrett Hedlund is a fine lead and and despite me not seeing him in much afterward, he should have more roles. The only "bad"? role is Michael Sheen as the owner of this bar. Oh my dear sweet brother Numsie! He is doing the exact same damn role as he did in the Twilight movies. Mugging, ridiculous, faye as hell. I just, I can't. You know who they should have got instead? David Bowie. It would have been perfect. But Bruce Boxleitner makes up for that and then some. Like, lightyears some mmkay? Ohh, and the music! Damn it Daft Punk! I am so geeking over this movie! When a movie can get goosebumps out of me in literally the first minute of film, and continually do so throughout is something special. This is one of the most, if not the most gorgeous film I have ever seen. Almost every frame is art, the designs and color are incredible, it just looks so impressive. And you know what the odd thing was? Well, not just the fact they had real sets and costumes along with the computer graphics but the real world segments kinda looked like it was a very high quality fan film. And I love that! It reminds me of this fan made trailer some person made, I believe it was called Tron The Next Day. Kinda this pseudo-prequel to the third film, and it was done so damn well! Just, oh God....I've never seen such a gorgeous film in my life. Yeah I'm biased, the guy who is a big enough nerd to have not one but two Tron stickers on his laptop may be a tiny little bit partial to the Tron movies. I just have such fond memories of all the stuff surrounding the movie. The Flynn Lives website, that badass video game identifier they had, getting all this rad stuff, playing Space Paranoids! I went to a Wal-Mart the day Tron Legacy hit video, midnight launch, it was a school day afterward but I did not care. I needed that movie. And I got it. The only ever so slightly bad thing I can say about this movie is the last shot is not as impressive and beautiful as the last movie. That is nitpicking, at best people. I'm probably the only critic who legitimately loves this movie, but I do not care. Tron Legacy is a sure fire 4 stars! Check it out! And please Disney make Tron 3 before I hit 40!!

Army Of Darkness

Just what I needed after last night. So I was thinking of just how many damn sequels were coming out this year and ones I was gonna talk about, so I thought what are some sequels that are not well known or loved as much? So here we go.

Okay, Army Of Darkness. Classic cult movie made 5 years after the cliffhanger of Evil Dead 2, where Ash is stuck in medievel times having to retrieve the Necronomicon to get back to his own time while fighting an army of skeletons. It is as amazing as it sounds. You knew what blew my mind? You know, besides the quotability, good comedy, and great sets and effects? The movie is an hour and 15 minutes without credits. Hwhat? It's like...direct to video sequel, but awesome! I do love the evolution of it though, Evil Dead was straight up horror, Evil Dead 2 was horror comedy, and now we're at action comedy. Normally that does not bode well for a series, but it works here! And even despite it's more action forefront, the film never loses it's horror elements. They dig deep into the roots of gothic scenery in some instances, and the tension and sense of impending scares can still be found. The slapstick in my opinion is wonderful, Bruce Campbell gets to do so much both physically and come on, the lines are unforgettable. It does deserve more attention and love, I know it sounds far fetched, but I would not lie about a movie being good. Army Of Darkness is a lot of fun, it is fast, well done, good wit and acting is in it (though Bruce is the only person you will be able to name afterwards), it really is a diamond in the rough. Come on, you can spare barely over an hour of your life to judge for yourself. In other news, *BRIEF TANGENT ALERT* I am very excited to see Ash Vs. Evil Dead but it pisses me off at the same time. Why? Because it got cancelled 2 seasons in. Are you....breathe. Ffffffunkin' Family Guy can get to season 11 which is beyond bullshit already (and I got news for you pal, the only two things you got right now is Jack and shit. And Jack left town.) but Ash Vs. Evil Dead gets the ax 2 seasons in. And for all accounts I heard it was good, so why?? Why do the good die young? Ugh. This universe sucks.

The True Death Of The 90s

A thought occured to me today, and it was the fact that this generation of kids who are now 3 or 4 years old are not going to be able to experience or have the opportunity to go to a Toys R' Us. That is a world I do not want to live in. It's not going to force me into suicide, I've had way worse things happen to me in life that have broke me, but this is a harsh reality. Why? Because it affects future generations. NEVER in my wildest nightmares have I said, "Back in my day we used to go to Toys R' Us to get our toys." because why would that store close? 3 if not 4 generations spanning from before I was born to about 10 years ago had Toys R' Us, and it's just not there anymore. Things like Blockbuster and Toys R' Us I honestly felt that if such a day came and they closed, I would be an old man. If Blockbuster closed by the time I was in my late 30s, I could deal with that, it would suck but I would have had at least two decades of memories and experiences with it. If Toys R' Us closed by the time I was in my early 50s, I would be okay with that because at least I and future generations could have had experiences. This is the true death of the 90s, the adults of this current time are heavily nostalgic about the 1990s either because they were born at that time or were little kids at that time but you know what? You can emulate so much of it. You can go to Ebay and find old 90s toys. You can buy music and movies from the 90s in a store. You can watch the awesome cartoons online! You can get frickin' Surge and French Toast Crunch on Amazon! But the experiences you had with places that are no longer with us, cannot be replicated. You can't rent a movie from Blockbuster anymore. You can't get a cool toy from the best toy store in the world. It's incredibly depressing because, when you get right down to it, for me personally....I didn't have much time to enjoy it. I was born in 1995, Blockbuster was closing around 2012, and now Toys R' Us is closing in 2018. I have been going to Blockbuster since I was, shit maybe 3 years old. Toys R' Us I went to sometimes in my youth but it's reputation was known to me even at such a small age that it was the #1 place to buy a toy. So that's like what? 14 years of renting movies, and barely over 20 years for Toys R' Us off and on. These things should NOT be gone by the time you reach adulthood. Do you see my emotional destruction? The things you know, and love, and have such great experiences with when you were a kid should not be gone forever when you have barely grown up. And I can't compare it to now, because the most prominent thing in a kid's life now is technology. And technology will continue, and persist, and be there in some form or another for all time. Christ, if I can go to a Half Price Books and buy not only a 8-Track but also a Laserdisc movie then the tablets, and phones, and games will still be here 30 years down the road. I can even find old PC Flash games online and play them now! But the real true experiences and not so much products, are lost forever. They are not coming back. Some people ask why people of my generation are bitter and cynical despite being 20 years old, and the truth of the matter is we were born at quite possibly the worst time in terms of world view. There is an excellent post which I will link below and it sums up my generation better than my ramblings could ever even hope for. Just take the time and read it, I will post it below. It just....this is a poor world to live in without the childhood joys of yesteryear. Everybody loves talking about what they did as kids, because it makes them happy. Because of the joy, and the wonder, and the nostalgia of it. To try and let us, the listener, try to see it from their point of view and to appreciate and enjoy the value of their experiences. Older generations feel the same way, they all have places that were their places, the spots they went to eat with family and friends, the spots they went to buy new music, to see a movie, the sure fire places where they had a blast either alone or with other people, and it's just not there anymore. You're going to lose things you love in life, but everyone can agree sometimes you lose things far too quickly. Never take for granted the places you love to go to most in this world, because one day they may not be there. I'm going to drink until I can't think and play some Super Nintendo.

We'll do a review tomorrow I promise.

The bitter truth: https://goo.gl/images/n65BTD

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Okay, I may need to break my rule here about spoilers. It's not a bad movie, in fact it's one of the better Jurassic Park movies so I do say go see it but full SPOILER ALERT ahead for those who have not seen it.

The second Jurassic World follows the vein of The Lost World, you know how Jurassic World was a bigger scale Jurassic Park? Same thing here but with The Lost World. So, Jurassic World is abandoned and apparently there is a volcano active on the island, cause that happened because shut up we need a new movie, leading Claire and Owen to rescue as many dinosaurs as possible but that's only act one! Apparently people are still on the whole "we gots to weaponize dinosaurs" boat, so after the island goes kaboom our heroes have to keep the dinosaurs safe from idiot corporations. So that's story, and I bring good tidings! The characters have gotten better, Claire is now heavily intent on saving the dinosaurs, becoming a more feeling and more intimate human being since the last movie. Owen gets a lot more development with Blue to the point where it's like father and daughter and it is very touching. We get new characters, Franklin and Zia who are pretty half and half. Franklin is a screaming bitch, and Zia is everything I love in a woman. James Cromwell is in the movie (huzzah!) and he mesmerized me in his first scene, he really did, I loved him in this movie! But then I thought, aw shit I could see James Cromwell get eaten by a dinosaur. He doesn't, but I'm not sure which is a greater insult either him getting devoured or being taken out by his punk bitch of an "heir" if one can say such a thing. That sucks dude. I love the third act though, all set in this gothic mansion with this mysterious new dinosaur we have seen in the trailers. It gets into horror territory, this movie is so much more the thriller than the other movies. You saw that scene in the trailer with the little girl in her bedroom, that is the stuff of fraking nightmares okay. Nothing could be more scary than that! But here comes the supernova sized plot hole which I need to talk about because it seriously kinda pissed me off. So they are still cloning and making new dinosaurs, the newest being the Indoraptor created from the Indominus Rex DNA (Seriously did the writers have the biggest hard on for the Velociraptor?) but this is where the series finally jumped the shark or Mosasaurus if you will. The little girl we see in the trailers, she is a clone of a human being. So....why are we still riding this "make dinosaurs weapons" dead horse? You can clone human beings! Granted she is very young and might not live long, but what do you have to lose? Pull a Star Wars, find a perfect soldier template, get a clone army, shazam! You win! The Clone Wars 2.0 bitches! I'm pretty sure if I pitted 5 or 6 tanks against a Triceratops, the tanks would win. So why are we focusing on Dino-Riders? I have no idea. It is absolutely beyond stupid guys! Humans you can train, dinosaurs are gonna eat your face or stomp you into the ground! Ugh. Do you see my issue? And we got one more movie apparently so get ready for that old dance to be done again! And yet, this movie is high on my list! I'm gonna rank em' right now. Ready?

1. Jurassic Park
2. Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom
3. The Lost World
4. Jurassic World
5. Jurassic Park 3

So obviously it's a good movie, flawed yes but good regardless. Better than the last, and the ending just makes you wonder how. Won't spoil that for you although you can probably guess it. I do suggest you go see it, very entertaining, dumb at moments, but a perfect summer movie to see with family and friends.

Jurassic World

Well it was slightly better than the last movie.

Okay, so Jurassic World. It is....I don't even know. Is it bad? Not really. Is it good? Not exactly. Okay so imagine if you will Jurassic Park actually opened, it got approved, and has been a thriving buisness for years. Now imagine even further that somehow people got tired of dinosaurs, to the point where they are combining DNA of several dinosaurs to create brand new ones. This is where issues crop up. Like cloning dinosaurs wasn't a bad idea enough, but now you make far more deadly and dangerous dinosaurs by playing cocktail maker. The premise is interesting! Jurassic Park is open to the public, that is a cool idea, imagine the havoc and chaos that would ensue if we had a rerun of the first movie only now, there are over 20,000 people at the park. They do one scene. Oh think of the countless varieties of gene spliced dinosaurs, the possibilities are ridiculous! They only make one, and it supposed to be this big reveal that it's about 50% Velociraptor, even though it primarily looks like one. And the worst insult of all? People got bored of dinosaurs. Are you dead sucking ferious?? What reality? I want to know. What universe is this where the human race looks at a Triceratops like an elephant at a zoo? And the oddest thing is, it almost seems like the movie is trying to send this message. They bring up stuff like, the new owner of the park after John Hammond's death created it all over again to make the human race be humble or something like that, and feel better about their existence when they encounter creatures 75 million years old. And this kid...okay, there are two kids named Zach and Gray. Gray is a kid, excited to see dinosaurs, knows a lot about them, he is on cloud 9 at this place man, he digs this hardcore. Zach is the most stereotypical disinterested teenager it makes me want to puke. The son of a bitch sees a Mosasaurus devour a shark the size of Jaws in a single bite, and looks at pictures that his girlfriend sent to him. The whole movie Gray is running amok and enjoying the park, and Zach wants to put his dick in every girl he sees despite having a girlfriend which even he seems disinterested in. I don't know if the movie is trying to make some commentary on modern technology sort of disillusioning real life spectacle, or it causing a massive disconnect with real things. Like with Claire, she sees everything in the park as inanimate, walking through holograms of dinosaurs, thinking of the dinosaurs as attractions and not living creatures, constantly on her phone and not spending time with Zach and Gray. So it seems like that's the message of the movie but it gets lost amongst the nonsensical plot and characters. Like this guy who is hell bent using Raptors in the stead of soldiers. What?? This movie is on some kind of drugs, and it is not medicinal. It's a hot mess, that's all I can say about it. It's just a sloppy, ridiculous, hot mess. And that is not fun. I am simultaneously dreading and hopeful for Fallen Kingdom, it seems so new, full of stuff we have never seen before but I hope it hits well with me. Jurassic Park 3 killed this franchise for 15 years. Ever since Jurassic Park every sequel has hurt the series, Jurassic Park 3 almost killed it, and Jurassic World did not help the problem but it didn't have anywhere to go but up. Please don't let Fallen Kingdom suck! I can't do another horrible sequel guys, I just can't. All I ask of you is to hope for the best tomorrow.

Jurassic Park 3

Why William H. Macy?? Why? YOU ARE TEARING ME APART!

This movie is so worthless it makes The Lost World look like the friggin' Godfather Part 2! I mean, you wanna talk half-assed and not giving a damn? Look no further. I just...I'm done. It's not worth your time, but strangely I think the film knows that. It plays more like a B-movie you see on the Sci-Fi Channel (I still reguse to call it syfy) than a Jurassic Park movie. I mean really, subtract the references and Sam Neil and shazam! you got a Sci-Fi original movie where all you do is waste an hour and a half of your life and wish you did something better. Did this movie even get a theatrical release? I must admit, until this Friday I have never seen a Jurassic Park movie in theaters. First one came out before I was born, second one came out when I was 2, the third one we rented from Blockbuster, and Jurassic World I think I saw when it finally hit cable. And let's just say, the whole dinosaur phase that every kid goes through stuck around a bit longer for me. You know how much I remember of this movie? Maybe 30 minutes, all involving dinosaur chases and fights. I remember Jurassic Park 3 but not for the right reason. We rented it from Blockbuster, it's like 2002 maybe even 2003, my cousins were staying with us and after we watched the movie we stayed up all night and beat Super Mario World. That's how I remember Jurassic Park 3, not one of my favorite movies of all time like the first, not an exciting dinosaur action showcase like the second, but a small part of a pretty good evening. You can live without this movie, and go your whole life without seeing it. Just watch Shameless instead.