Wonder Woman (2009)

Dear God it really took over 75 years for Wonder Woman to get a theatrical movie. But this animated one came out almost 10 years before.

So Wonder Woman got her own animated movie. How is it? I quite like it. It does the most famous origin story ripped straight from the comics of a race of warrior women known as the Amazons whose Queen one day fashions a child out of clay and the greek Gods give her life, and through the years she is trained and taught of the evil of man's world. Until one day, a pilot crashes into their island and starts to stir talk of rejoining the world. Meanwhile, Ares god of war escapes imprisonment and declares war on the Earth and gods alike. So the young woman Diana, takes up the mantle of not only their best warrior but ambassador to the world as Wonder Woman. A very good story, that stays true to the mythos and picks the best aspects of several classic Wonder Woman stories. So story wise, it's good but how are the technicals? Well the animation is great, it looks super clean and well drawn, with excellent fight scenes and damn near pitch perfect character models. Voice acting is quite well done with Keri Russel as Diana, and I quite like her and she nails Wonder Woman's character, we even get Nathan Fillion as the pilot Steve Trevor who gets quite a bit of laughs and is a good anchor to the real world. So the two major elements of animated movies are spot on, but it's not a perfect movie. While the fight scenes are very well animated, some things did bug me. Now I understand this is a PG rated movie, but I think the Amazons turned the gore code off cause when they run through people or hell, even lop off heads which happens twice, not evenna drop of blood. Maybe they coat their swords in non-blood stick, would be handy to have I must admit. Second, this is the only sheer stupid thing there is in this movie but my God does it hit hard. So Ares has his army of undead and demons attacking, in the capitol of Washington DC, seriously it has the Lincoln Memorial and The White House, and I was very confused cause at one point a galleon of Amazons charge by siege boats to rally behind Diana. What? In fact, the animation in terms of backgrounds was getting really bad. First, they are in the capitol, then it shows the Amazons approaching to what looks like a Greek temple, so I thought they would be fighting in Greece, but no, other shots still show them in DC. Just....huh??? You know, I've never been to the capitol of my country but I'm pretty sure there's not a fraking ocean leading to the Lincoln Memorial!! And don't tell me it's magic or some shit, because how? They never really established them to be heavily in magic, bits yes but not enough to mass teleport! In fact...how the french toast do they have an invisible jet?! Yeah, Wonder Woman has her invisible jet because Diana couldn't always fly in the comics. This is a society still living in stone buildings with swords and bows, no guns, no modern architecture, nothing to construct an invisible jet! Did the greek Gods give them that just in case along with the bracelets, tiara, and the lasso of truth?? Maybe it was Steve Trevors plane after he crashed and they enchanted that stuff, but still! Are you dead sucking ferious right now? Maybe I missed something but that really brings this movie, if you can call it a movie, it's barely over an hour down a bit. But I have high hopes for the new Wonder Woman movie, Gal Gadot I have no doubt will do the character justice, and it looks like a kickass movie! So expect that review soon, check this movie out if you're curious, Wonder Woman rocks and I'm out!

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Oh, Javier Bardem you deserved so much better.














Wow, this movie was underwhelming! I mean damn. I thought On Stranger Tides was worthless! This is a new level. Nothing happens in this movie. At all. Jack has even less standing in this adventure than the last movie which is somehow possible. So basically evil undead pirates have a score to settle with Jack, forcing Will and Elizabeth's son to do something about it that has nothing to do with Jack. Plot done, now onto the stupid. You heard right, Will and Elizabeth (Who are in the movie for maybe 4 minutes.) have a kid, who wants to free his dad from the Dutchman so he seeks Jack's help to....are you ready for this? Find the Trident of the sea god Poseidon. Pills...need pills now. And you know what the worst part is? This movie shouldn't exist. Do not fall for that bait and switch trailer where it treats it like the final Pirates movie, people will die, nothing will be the same anymore, Jack will no longer be alive. Bullshit!! Nothing happens in the movie, and Jack is alive and well at the end. This is the worst possible movie for one reason: there is nothing to talk about. With good movies, you praise them and love talking about them. With bad movies, you bitch at it but it is kinda cathartic and fun, you get to bash a movie and even provide constructive criticism. But with movies like this? There is no material to talk about. So why am I writing this review? Well that's where you are wrong, this is not a review. It is a warning. Do not watch this movie! Spend 2 hours of your time doing something better. You are better than I solely because you have not viewed this massive pile of nothing. I'm done. Goodnight.

Pirates Of The Carribean: On Stranger Tides

Okay, and here we go.....

What happened to pirates getting treasure? Is that too bland for audiences? Oh no, we got to have Jack look for the friggin' Fountain Of Youth, and yes I know it was teased at the end of well...At World's End but still! Okay, one step at a time. This movie is not terrible but boy howdy if you've stuck around this long you've kinda gotten use to this. So Jack is pretty much racing towards the Fountain, with Barbossa, and even Captain Blackbeard on his trail, all fighting for eternal youth. But wait, there's more! You can't just grab a cup and dip it in the fountain, kinda like in The Last Crusade, oh no. You have to (And pay attention there will be a test later.) get two silver goblets, very specific silver goblets created by Ponce de Leon, you have to capture a mermaid, collect said mermaid's tears because they spoil (God give me strength....), use said goblets to reveal the location of the Fountain, fill the goblets with water from the Fountain, then put the tear in ONE goblet, and play the "You must choose, but choose wisely." game in order to finally obtain eternal youth. Ugh!! This whole ceremony is hucking forrible, who's convoluted idea was this? Oh God, but anyway. Cast is fine, Penelope Cruz is boring to say the least, and while Ian McShane when I heard he was going to be Blackbeard I thought that would be awesome! He and Barbossa are the only saving graces in this movie, and quite frankly the only reason to watch the movie. Not much else, not even Jack can help this movie. Why is he in this movie? He doesn't do anything. He doesn't even really feel like he's looking for the Fountain by his own accord, the british government forces him to do it. That's a great protagonist right? Where he has no interest or real goal in the plot, at all? Top notch. I really didn't want to write this review, this is the movie I dreaded the most, not At World's End but this movie. I can remember several scenes from all the movies almost from beginning to end, almost a loose retelling of the whole movie. Not in this movie! Let's count, I remember the whole London escape scene, when Barbossa and Jack get the silver goblets and are captured, the waterfall scene, and the big fight at the end. And the Queen Anne, Blackbeard's ship which does precisely dick in this movie! Great job guys, no ship battle with a legit enchanted magical ship? I applaud your impotence. So let's see that's.......4 SCENES!!! That's got to be some kind of a record for me! I remember almost TOO many things from movies! It comprises 70% of my brain, roughly. But nope, can't remember much from this movie. Just don't watch it. The only reason you should watch any movie between the first movie and this one, is because plot elements come up in the new movie. And even then, you probably don't have to watch the second or third movie! So watch the first, tomorrow I'm seeing Dead Men Tell No Tales, and it better be good!

Pirates Of The Carribean: At World's End

This was a long ass movie.

Just because you're the third part of a movie franchise does not mean you get a Lord Of The Rings run time. This movie goes on for 3 hours, and I can recap the plot in about 2 minutes. So it's all out war now between the pirate lords of the seven seas, and the british navy, and the Flying Dutchman with our usual cast of pirates smack dab in the middle. Bam, done! An easy story to tell, and it's done quite well. Although, the whole movie is about 2 hours of buildup to the final ship battle, 20 minutes of good action, and 10 minutes of resolution. But, the 2 hours is fine. Kinda. It starts off pretty damn grim though, if I put this opening scene on you would seriously not guess it to be Pirates Of The Carribean. More like Schindler's List mixed with Les Miserables. Yeah. But the movie is fine after that, it has a great size and scale to it, really giving the impression that this is the big finale to the story of the past 2 movies. And it....kinda delivers. Revelations are told, battles commence, people die. You know what, screw it the opening is just the beginning of this movie's darkness. I mean you see people get shot dead square between the eyes, have spikes shoved through people's skulls, the epitomy of a skull f*** if I have ever seen one, and several impalements. Guys, are you dead sucking ferious? This is supposed to be a movie for you know, kids, families, not really adults. You just had to get that PG-13 rating didn't you? Christ. I don't hate this movie, but I got problems with it. A lot of people do, people really did not like this movie. I can kinda see why. My main gripe though is it should have been the end. That should tell you something about the next movie, eh? Everyone's story comes to an end, it should have just ended with Will and Elizabeth together, Barbossa having his crew and ship back, and Jack wandering off to go on more marvellous misadventures. But no! Tune in tomorrow for Jack Sparrow to find the Fountain Of Youth!! I swear it's true! Oh boy, here we go....

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

Sequel time!

Okay second film in the Pirates series, which I actually quite like even though it was quite literally written as it was being filmed. Oops. But anywho, story time! Jack has a debt to pay to the infamous Davy Jones, and in order to get out of it Jack as well as several other parties search for the eponymous dead man's chest. Not as hard to describe the plot as the last movie is it? Plot's pretty straightforward all things considered. Acting is still just as fine as ever, although Bill Nighy is quite engaging as the captain of The Flying Dutchman, in fact Davy Jones is my favorite part of the movie. His character beyond superstitous talk and legend of him and what power he wields in the seas, is actually a mystery. And I love the design of him and his crew, cursed men which have morphed with various sea life, for example a man has a normal body but has the head of a hammerhead shark, Davy Jones is a man with tentacles for a beard and a crab leg and arm attached to a human body. Sounds pretty great and it looks outstanding too. Surprisingly there's not much action wise, but when you look back at the first movie we had, a town raided, a ship chase, and the final fight between Jack and Barbossa. In this movie we have this very bizzare escape from an island filled with cannibals (Don't look at me, I didn't write it!), two attacks by the Kraken, one long ass swordfight which I have no doubt goes on for about 15 or 20 minutes which is the only swordfight by the way, and a brief ship chase. Yeah....not quite the action masterpieces our memories had of these movies. But action isn't everything if the story is good, and we like the characters. The story isn't that great, but I still like it just for the villain. Jack and company are still fun to be around so I can't say the film has truly flopped. But tomorrow, we talk about the film most people consider to be the absolute worst and I have not seen that movie for years so it will be interesting to say the least. So tune in tomorrow where we meet our cast At World's End.

Pirates Of The Carribean: Curse Of The Black Pearl

We're devils and black sheep, we're really bad eggs.....

A whole week of Pirates, huzzah! First movie that kicked off the franchise way back in 2003. Crazy it's been that long huh? Hell of a movie to kick things off! The story is....quite complicated for the first movie. I find it difficult to compress this film into a synopsis, I'd almost have to tell it step by step but that would ruin the movie. So let's attempt to recap here, so the movie follows three main characters, Captain Jack Sparrow a pirate, Will Turner a blacksmith, and Elizabeth Swan the daughter of a governor who pretty much gets kidnapped by pirates and Jack and Will set off to save her. There's a hell of a lot more to it than that so don't let this review fool you. Now to the cast, I can sum it up in one word. Awesome! Johnny Depp is awesome as a pirate, Orlando Bloom does okay though I prefer him more as an elf in Middle Earth, Keira Knightley is really no nonsense in this movie which I enjoy, but...I think Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa steals the show. He is so wickedly amazing and devilishly cool, he really seals this movie as a damn good movie in my eyes! The action is terrific, with well choreographed sword fights and ship battles. The sets are incredibly well done, it is a period piece obviously, I'm guessing late 1600s or early 1700s, either way the film looks great in terms of costumes and set design. The music which was composed by Hans Zimmer is fun, that's the best way I can describe it! It has mystery and intrigue, all out swashbuckling action, and even comedy! However, there is certain flaws with this movie. One, Commodore Norrington is planning on marrying Elizabeth. Fine! No problem, if he you know, didn't age I mean, at all,  and he looked about 27 when she was maybe 10. Eww. Seriously, dude didn't age a day in about what, 15 years? Bugs me. Two, how did Will get the medallion? In fact, why and how was his shipped attacked when he was a small boy? If Barbossa was looking for the medallion, how did he know it was on that ship and/or not find Will? Third, boy that ceremony seemed complex. Not as complex as the whole mermaid thing in the fourth movie, but one step at a time here. All in all, it's a fun movie, it's highly enjoyable, a popcorn movie if there was one, and I give it two thumbs up!

Tomorrow, Jack meets the devil of the seven seas himself....

Alien: Covenant

First Alien movie seen in theaters, how was it?

It was good, it wasn't great nor was it terrible. It picks up 10 years after Prometheus (Which I have not seen, so I was not fully prepared for it.) with a colony ship en route to a new world, get sidetracked by some bizzare transmission, it's not an SOS, it's not a beacon of some form, and they decide let's go. I'm sensing a pattern here. So they get to this planet that has no form of animal life on it, they find the ship from Prometheus and encounter a character from it, and that's when the story kicks off. I dare not delve deeper. So we have Ridley Scott directing again, and he does fine work as always, nothing really spiked on my bullcrap meter...kinda. But that's my own doing by not seeing Prometheus, which I was hoping I did not have to see in order to get this movie. But anyway, everything is fine about the movie, actors are likable 90% of the time, the sets look great cause they are real, action wise nothing much occurs really except for a few shootouts, the music elludes to the original Alien, and I had fun watching it. But all in all, you gotta be a fan of the series to enjoy this movie. You can't just come in there willy-nilly, you have to be informed. I was mostly informed, so maybe if I watch Prometheus I can enjoy it more but if you are not a fan I doubt you are going to see this movie. Although it's good to see some Alien action again. That sounded bad, I apologize for that. So I best shut up now before I keep rambling. Till next week!