31

Probably the most middling Rob Zombie movie I've seen.

Far from bad, do not get me wrong this is not a bad movie, and if history has taught us anything I can really dig the shit out of Rob Zombie's films but this one is just okay. It's weird, I've more heard of plots similar to this movie than actually seen. So a group of people get abducted and are used for more or less sport by wealthy elite, as they are hunted by a group of psychopaths and try to survive. Pretty damn simple premise, not to many frills or quirks like in other of the director's efforts. It was an entirely crowdfunded production of 1.5 million buckaroos, and I feel it was made wisely with most exteriors being shot on desolate roads while interiors are at this I don't even know what. This...complex that's a good term, where the hunt begins. Granted they got a spectacular set for the wealthy creeps who get their kicks from this, very boujee and bathed in red, I was super impressed by it. And the effects though not as extensive as say The Devil's Rejects or Halloween are just naystay and blood soaked enough to get the job done. I wasn't entirely sure who was gonna make it out alive, save for Sheri who actually has the beginning arc of a killer that could almost be a origin story for Baby but it's a bit open ended before credits. My guy Jeff was awesome, it's kinda odd though seeing him as Herman Munster first then going back and seeing him cuss like a sailor but hey it was great to see him. Malcolm McDowell is our big wig (literally) villain for this sick game and while not on screen a lot is a joy to see and you can tell he's having fun playing it. Standout performance, Richard Brake as one of the hired killers Doom-Head, he is so damn gripping and fascinating to watch. Cause he's this sick fucked up in the head murderer, but he has intelligence and knowledge of history and grace in his movements but he'll still call you a **** and slice you up like a ham. I dare say watch it just for him! It's a solid production, with a good cast, and while the story ain't that much you can still get something out of it. Hell I am taking away 3 things from this, 1. Apparently Halloween is when most people go missing, please be safe out there, 2. There was a great quote "I found that the best of times happens exactly at the point when we lose track of them." I never thought of it like that before but that's quite true, 3. Another quote which follows the last "We must train ourselves to extend the moment and learn to live." that's a pretty strong mantra for life! It just struck me and I shall have to remember that. But moving on to final scores here, I give it 2.5 stars, 6.5/10! And we only got one more Rob Zombie film to review in the future so that'll be fun. Alas it is time to take one last bow for the most wonderful time of the year, eleven's hour is over now and the clock is striking twelve. 

Halloween II (2009)

Well that was an experience.



I may not like it as much as the first one but I didn't really hate it. We pick up one year after Michael got shot in the computer at point blank range, and Laurie is irrevocably damaged from the experience still having nightmares and trauma from that night when guess who's coming over Halloween night? It deals a lot more with just the fallout of the first film than killing is Michael's business and business is good, and takes almost a more cerebral/psychic drive with both Laurie and Michael and their familial connection. I mean duuuude, if you thought I was upset with how much shit Laurie had to go through in the first film I was about ready to riot here. There is no cathartic victorious ending, if anything it firmly sets in just the horror and the heartbreak which occurs when something terrible happens like a killing. The deaths are absurdly grisly, I learned the hard way don't watch this movie while dining, but all the more that goes to show how super well done the effects artists at work are here. And somehow it got more angry, it makes the first movie look like Michael was just kind of annoyed when he's knifing people I mean Jezuz Cuhryst man! But I feel the emotions and the drama haven't been lost, though we don't spend a lot of screen time on Danielle and Brad my heavens above the acting and cute family dynamic they have is amazing. Like I firmly believe, if I have to set up a petition for this then so be it, but there has got to be like an Academy Award show based around the horror industry. Brad Dourif is such a commited actor and I love him to pieces, Danielle Harris still brings it and I was severely upset emotionally seeing her not survive this time, Scout is my heart shattering into tiny fragments throughout this movie I think she's wonderful conveying all this emotional and psychological baggage, friggin' Malcolm McDowell just being this heartless capitalizing son of a bitch is far from Sam Loomis but the guy nails it! I know people have grievances with the psychological connection and hallucinations Michael and Laurie have but guys this is so not a new thing in the Halloween series, people rolled with it at Halloween 5 you can look past it here. It gets artsy, and I'm not really sure what the implication is of it all, but it's more in the background. I guess I can't say I hate it, and knowing this production being even more of a pain in the ass for Rob Zombie and even fiercer meddling from the studio I don't blame the guy for doing what he did. They were gonna make a theatrical mockery out of his shit man, and he wasn't gonna stand for it. So he made it weirder, more out there, pushed it to the outskirts of the playing field this series has been on for at that point 31 years. I can't fault him, it wasn't a bad movie, it turned a lot of people off and didn't perform well, but I can live with it existing. I give it 2.5 stars, 6/10, maybe it won't get some re-evaluation like the first movie but I still think it has it's own merits. Does it truly end tomorrow? Does Halloween ever really end? If they stick to their guns and just f***ing do it no matter what, it'll have my respect at least. We'll see.

The Lords Of Salem

Uh, wow okay.




Would not fully recommend this movie to individuals who are hardcore believers in the Judeo-Christian religions, like this movie gets deep into some occult shit and it sure as hellfire does not hold back. So our story follows a radio station host Heidi who is gifted a mysterious unknown record by a group called the Lords Of Salem, and pretty damn soon after that it tailspins into a visually rich, disturbing, and plain what the f*** kind of movie as she is haunted by ghosts and demons. Speaking as someone who is not religious by any stretch, this movie still unnerved me because it starts off pretty simply, you get your spooky figures in rooms, a few nightmares, there's this apartment you shouldn't go into and then it clobbers you with freaky imagery, blood soaked effects, effectively unearthly hellish creatures, and LOTS of nudity. I'm genuinely shocked this got an R rating, you get so many full frontal shots, and not just of lady women, I was seriously wondering if this got an NC-17 but I suppose this is the most hardcore R movie I've ever seen. It takes a tiny dash of Rosemary's Baby with Heidi apparently being targeted to become the anti-virgin Mary and birthing the Antichrist, this movie could not give a shit less about your feelings and morals, and showcases the...less earth loving and spiritual Wiccans and goes straight for the jugular of Satan worshipping foul witches. Which is very true of every religion, there will always be extremes on either sides of the spectrum, you will have hateful and shrieking nuts of Christianity but also very lovely and respectful Christians too. Same for Satanism, people view it as a liberating force of the self and a critique of how the church operates on many levels, but also there are people who cannonball into the pool of demon worship, black arts, and bile fused rage against religious symbols. This film deals with the latter, which sucks because I quite like our main characters. This is gonna sound a bit weird but Heidi who is played by Sheri Moon Zombie, legit looks like Jamie Lee Curtis but the weird part is she looks like a mix of Jamie and Laurie from Rob Zombie's Halloween series. But in all seriousness, her performance is good, she doesn't have to say much and indeed some people could view it as a more subdued performance, but I found she handled just the mindf*** of the situation and troubled emotions super well. She's just a likeable girl and of course you don't want bad things to happen to her but they do and thus is the tragedy. Jeff Daniel Phillips is more a background character, the film undoubtedly focuses primarily on Sheri, but the friendship is felt between the two and I really appreciated that emotional scene when they talk to each other on the phone, I can't explain it but that really struck me and I was just like, damn that was a good emotional scene! Great to see Judy Geeson again, she fit wonderfully into this movie and has that presence about her which makes her acting all the more effective. Bruce Davison, I was rooting for that guy, as a writer investigating the occurences and has some experience with historical witches, a very affable character to have in a veryyy gloom and doom movie. Shoutout of course to my man Ken Foree, I love you my man. Shame we couldn't have him punching witches and saying motherf***er but the day will never come when I'm not happy to see him in a movie no matter the size of the role. Production wise it's very solid, actually being shot in Salem Massachusetts and it does look pretty grand with that familiar exquisite fall atmosphere. It gets artsy, it flat out has imagery of Georges Melies' A Trip To The Moon, it features Requiem not once but twice, and the shocking imagery is a combo of hits near the end. My snob side is satisfied and reeling from the horror. I don't think this scenery is going to crawl out from under my skin for a few days, it's wedged in deep man. Wild ass movie, effectively creepy and disturbing, I give it 3 stars, 7/10. And we get more witches for the week, I'm pretty sure it's no secret at this point as to what comes next but why spoil a surprise for someone? By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes.

The Munsters

It's cute, don't be mean.




I was surprised like everybody else to hear Rob Zombie's next film would be an adaptation of The Munsters, and once I saw the trailer I was interested. I was looking forward to seeing it in theaters and was sideswiped by the Netflix and home video release instead, but I grabbed a DVD of it and so here we are on the verge of the most wonderful time of the year, and I gotta say I really liked this movie. Bizarre to see a Rob Zombie movie rated PG, but the whole movie is a bit on the weird side. The story more or less is how Herman met Lily and their eventual move to Mockingbird Lane, it's not a heavily plot centric film, it's a brightly colored, cute, fun piece of fluff movie and I adore it. In my own personal experience I've liked The Munsters a good deal, and while I undoubtedly am a much bigger fan of The Addams Family I can't disregard it by a long shot. I feel you can tell Rob Zombie does have a lot of affinity for the show, and without question gives this movie it's own flair and style. It is about as colorful if not maybe even more so than 1960s TV, containing that visual nuance that Rob Zombie has implemented in his films and music videos. The cast I felt did very well, taking mannerisms and the foundations of the characters but still making it their own and were pretty friggin' funny too. Jeff Daniel Phillips isn't trying to be Fred Gwyne who is a treasure and born to play Herman, but the guy has comedic timing and is completely believable as this character and if nothing else the man has my respect for wearing those platform shoes no matter what outfit he is wearing. Commitment. Sheri Moon Zombie is....I think this is honestly my most favorite of the parts she plays, Lily is beyond cute, funny, and charming I cannot fully express in words how much I was just head over heels for her in this. Speaking of which, the relationship between Herman and Lily is incredibly endearing and sweet, you can feel that immovable devotion to one another and it's very I guess uplifting if that's the right word. I mean it by Gawd rekindled some love in my icy black heart. Daniel Roebuck is awesome as The Count, and he had some giant shoes to fill after Al Lewis who man, I could praise that fella's devotion and love to Grampa Munster for a long whiles, and it was almost like seeing him back in the role one last time. It was my biggest reservation but the highest point of enjoyment for me, The Count is still my favorite part to this day. I actually forgot Sylvester McCoy was in this, so I lost my marbles for a brief moment getting to see my favorite classic Doctor Who flexing those honed comedy muscles throughout. I think the most underrated performance for me is Richard Brake as Dr. Wolfgang, many people are probably gonna write him off as scenery chewing over the top to the max, naw man. He is having the time of his life playing this melodramatic sophisticated doctor, and I'm just gonna say it I legit saw a bit of Vincent Price in his perfromance. I don't care, I meant what I said and said what I meant, the guy is great. Very lovely of course as always to see Cassandra Peterson even if it was just near the end, I'd recognize that voice anywhere and bless her for countless years to come. I know some people are going to really trash the production side of things, but I really honestly digged it. The colors are so rich and bold almost a neon saturated version of a Hammer film, the costumes and monster effects are quite good for a Netflix movie that probably didn't have a massive budget, the editing and cinematography are niche but fun, and the references. Whooo now! Boy howdy let me tell you! The second I saw the Universal logo from the 30s start the movie, I knew I was in for a trip. The Universal Monsters get some love here and rightfully so, all the clips and characters that pop up made the fanboy in me applaud. I know I'm gonna rattle off my mom's ear cause she really wanted to see this movie as well, so I'm just gonna be like oh yeah that's Nosferatu who was played by Max Shreck in 1922, Rob knows his audience and knows what we like. Which brings me to the point of the fact I know this movie is going to be so devisive and split down the middle for people, I think the fans of Zombie's works are gonna appreciate it and embrace the easy going, light, goofy fun atmosphere of the movie while others are just gonna unnecessarily assassinate it behind a shed and shove it in a woodchipper. Oh it's stupid, it's not funny, it has no plot, and so on and so forth. You don't make a movie that looks and proceeds like this unintentionally, it's meant to be a bright, enjoyable, silly piece of spooky goodness that you can throw on as a background movie for a Halloween party or watch with young kids and get some laughs out of. I was a grumpy bastard today but as I was making some dinner, sipping a red viscous fluid out of my skull glass, listening to some Ghost, and settled down to watch this movie I was a pretty happy camper and we're ending the night on a high note. Objectively it's maybe a 7/10, but for me I give it 4 stars, 8.5/10! And we got another Rob Zombie movie tomorrow that hint hint, nudge nudge, has some connective tissue to what other reviews come out this week. Happy nightmares everyone.

3 From Hell

Fair is fair, Devil's Rejects wins the prize.

Did I hate 3 From Hell? Absolutely not. I think Rob Zombie wanted to kinda flip the script and do something different which I very much liked. If there was only one problem with the film I would say it's the fact that it takes place after Devil's Rejects and I felt that ending was pretty final. So somehow our favorite gang of killers survived the police blockade and have spent a decade in prison before escaping and trying to figure out what to do next, with no real end goal they take to the roads before ending up in Mexico for a unusual yet still good climax. I find it quite funny that Baby went from my least favorite to most favorite through these movies, it could almost be argued the film has a focus on her after being imprisoned for 10 years and she starts to question what's really the point of it all. I'm here for it, I love it, that's a good dynamic to have! Otis is still Otis but with a lot more humor this time, practically playing parent to Baby so I just had a ball with Bill Moseley's performance. I knew it was unlikely I would see Sid on the road again with the group, and to know he passed away not even a week after the film hit theaters is a damn shame but I'm happy to see just a little bit of him in this. So we have newcomer to the Firefly family Winslow enter the group and I will admit I did very much enjoy Richard Brake's performance throughout, so I wasn't upset about the mix up of cast. Once again, great tone setup and cinematography with most of it having that distinctive 70s film grain and I'm not sure whether my eyes got used to it or what but it was looking good near the end. One thing I of course noticed through all of these movies is the classic horror movies playing on the television sets, mostly Universal Monsters but if you know your stuff you'll pick out the lesser known films too, so no surprise I'm heavily appreciative of those inclusions. But yeah, the style is this odd mesh of documentary style footage like Cannibal Holocaust, the Rob Zombie zest we always get, there's even some Robert Rodriguez influence like Grindhouse and El Mariachi thrown in but it works very well for me. I haven't delved into any of Rob Zombie's work though I've heard a few tracks of his, so this was a very pleasant surprise and a mighty good week of movies to watch. He really is the kind of director who just wants to shoot what he wants, studio system be damned, amd I say good for him. He made some good movies more horror fans should check out, and for anyone who has a strong stomach and twisted sense of humor. I really had no idea what to expect in the slightest but consider me interested to talk about more of his movies in the future. I give this 3 stars, 7.5/10, might not be the best of them all but I'll take it over horror remakes anyday.

Next week, a very long awaited genre of monster is finally walking in.

The Devil's Rejects

Man I really will have to wait until 3 From Hell to pin my favorite here.

Now I know this has always been the favorite out of quite possibly all of Rob Zombie's movies, and I can totally see why. I'm not sure if this is a straight up sequel to House Of A 1000 Corpses because I really doubt 3 From Hell follows after this, but regardless how is it? Well pretty damn good, while the first movie was more style over substance this takes the opposite stance, substance with a bit of style, both of which having their place of course but despite my amazement at the style of the first the story and progression is what really made me like the second. It's pretty much a hunt movie with our three killers Otis, Baby, and Captain Spaulding being pursued by a sheriff hell bent on taking them in or taking them out. It's not often you see any kind of movie let alone a horror movie where the killer is always on the run from being put down by the law, so it gives a lot more downtime between killings and thusly more character. Not to say you don't get some gruesome and nightmarish visuals, but it's more about their journey together than the killings themselves. Before, Bill Moseley was very much akin to Chop Top from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 but with this he gets to expand and put in one of his strongest performances and I just love that guy so any movie with him is A-okay by me. More fun times with Captain Spaulding, I'm still honestly grappling with Sid not being here cause if there was ever a horror star I wanted to meet, besides like Heather Langenkamp, Edwin Neal, and Felissa Rose, it would be him! If I was being honest, Baby was probably the least interesting of the bunch in the first movie but boy did that pull a 180° in this movie, I mean damn you rock that part lady. Even William Forsythe who I haven't really seen in anything besides this, did mighty good and I'll be looking out for him in the future. So cast gets A's across the board, story is definitely good, I like the very grounded and more brutal style of this movie once again proving that Rob knows how he wants his films to be. Now I did know parts of this movie before I actually saw it but it really didn't detract from anything, I was just aware of the more humorous quotes. So still gets 4 stars from me, another 8/10, well done to all who worked on it! And next time we get to talk about the incredibly recent third installment so stick around to see if it possibly tops them all. Until next time, I'm gonna go get me some ice cream.

House Of A 1,000 Corpses

I would like to take a quick minute just to say, WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT??

What a wild ride! I had a great time with this movie! I didn't really have doubts about the quality, but this was a very different beast. For Rob's directorial debut I must say he knows the style of the movie that he wants to show, I mean I could talk about the look of the movie for hours so I'll have to condense it down once we get there. But first, story time! The movie takes the basic plot of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, group of kids travelling the back roads of the country, get lost, introduced to a family of nut cases, and the bodies start hitting the floor. But it's such a huge disservice to this movie by saying that because of it's style and unique look, if you have reservations about seeing it I've honestly seen more horrific and gory horror films in my time, this won't scar you for life, go watch it. The cast was really well picked in my opinion, and it is nice to know we'll see Bill Moseley, Sid Haig, and Sheri Zombie in future movies but the rest of the cast does fine work and the script feels natural with the conversations. Plus you killed Rainn Wilson, that gets you 2 stars off the bat. Fffffff*** The Office (I'm just being an ass, I haven't even watched it. Nor will I.)! Oh my boy Walton Goggins is in this, I freaked when I saw that in the opening credits. So absolutely nothing but love for the cast. This is very much a horror movie that does horrify you, I mean that's just naysty! And I appreciate it so much, it should be like that, it doesn't glorify the violence or give you the special effect money shot, it's there to make you squirm and feel bad. Well done on that! But what seriously won me over above all was the way the film is shot, to put it simply it's like if a movie took the aesthetic of a music video and used it throughout. There's weird color filters, changes in lighting, that cool split screen technique you see in Carrie, quick zooms, grainy footage that simultaneously looks like it was shot on a 16mm camera and a VHS camera, I was diggin' it man. Plus I had the wonderful experience of having no friggin' clue where the story was going, cause it kept throwing curveballs at me and I was thrilled to see where it was going, and yes it most certainly did keep me guessing till the end. 4 stars! 8/10! The Devil's Rejects coming next time, consider me interested and excited.