Hawk The Slayer

More cult fantasy films! Why? Because I'm nerdier as each year passes.

I heard ever so slight things about this movie, mainly from Spoony in his Yor review but I had some interest and found an excuse to see it so let's talk about it! What I find most interesting about Hawk The Slayer is it simultaneously does the fantasy story of evil villain wants ultimate power, ultimate power finds a hero, hero kills villain, the end, and yet at the exact same time it completely doesn't fit your typical fantasy storyline at all. You see, Hawk and the evil Voltan are actually brothers and our hero is called into action when Voltan abducts the abbess of a church and demands a hefty 2,000 gold pieces for her return but obviously being family they have some past issues leading them into conflict. Hawk gathers his old adventuring companions, Crow the elf, Gort the giant, and Baldir the dwarf with the help of a witch to assist in the rescue. Sounds quite typical but the devil could not be more in the details than here. It's...different. In terms of technicals the soundtrack could be the best part of the entire film, it is all kinds of funky cool and had zero issue getting me to groove along. The editing I think is the part that could be the dealbreaker for audiences, it is cut with a lot of quick edits and seems almost comically inept to where fight scenes are over in less than 2 minutes. But the fact that it happens often almost leads me to believe it was a stylistic choice and I found enjoyment in plenty of things besides the fights so it doesn't lose major points. I find enjoyment in seeing the artistry at work, sure the backdrops are clearly paintings at times but they look really nice, the costumes are not heavy in detail but recognizable, and the world is never named once or given a broad overview but you get bits that you can piece together in your mind to craft your own vision of this world. It seems very akin to Dungeons & Dragons in how there are setpieces to the quest that aren't tightly knitted together but it still works. The acting I felt was over the top at brief instances but overall was fine and you get a strong sense of the character. Jack Palance is fucking amazing as Voltan, he is that level of go big or piss off and he nails the dramatics and isn't the having fun playing the villain type but just plays the villain to the absolute best of his ability and he is awesome! John Terry is a suitable hero lead, he's got the voice and the look, and plays a more solemn quiet hero but still always on the morally right side but with the cast that surrounds him he is the weakest link. Major props to the actors playing his companions, you actually get the sense that these characters have known each other a good while and have very good chemistry with each other and each segment that introduces them nails the type of character they potray. The elf is more solitary and has keen senses that make him a damn death machine with his bow, the dwarf is a crafty smartass but ultimately is a ride or die, and the giant is someone with intelligence and integrity but has a huge craving for food. That's not bad writing, even if there are times where I feel events occur just to pad the movie out a little but thankfully it only occurs twice. And I gotta admit I really wanted to see what happens next cause it has a tiny bit of a cliffhanger but that just shows that I did like and enjoy the movie enough. It's no major fantasy classic but if you're a sucker for that stuff like I am I think you can genuinely get some entertainment out of it. I give it 3 stars, 7/10!

The Lords Of Salem

Uh, wow okay.




Would not fully recommend this movie to individuals who are hardcore believers in the Judeo-Christian religions, like this movie gets deep into some occult shit and it sure as hellfire does not hold back. So our story follows a radio station host Heidi who is gifted a mysterious unknown record by a group called the Lords Of Salem, and pretty damn soon after that it tailspins into a visually rich, disturbing, and plain what the f*** kind of movie as she is haunted by ghosts and demons. Speaking as someone who is not religious by any stretch, this movie still unnerved me because it starts off pretty simply, you get your spooky figures in rooms, a few nightmares, there's this apartment you shouldn't go into and then it clobbers you with freaky imagery, blood soaked effects, effectively unearthly hellish creatures, and LOTS of nudity. I'm genuinely shocked this got an R rating, you get so many full frontal shots, and not just of lady women, I was seriously wondering if this got an NC-17 but I suppose this is the most hardcore R movie I've ever seen. It takes a tiny dash of Rosemary's Baby with Heidi apparently being targeted to become the anti-virgin Mary and birthing the Antichrist, this movie could not give a shit less about your feelings and morals, and showcases the...less earth loving and spiritual Wiccans and goes straight for the jugular of Satan worshipping foul witches. Which is very true of every religion, there will always be extremes on either sides of the spectrum, you will have hateful and shrieking nuts of Christianity but also very lovely and respectful Christians too. Same for Satanism, people view it as a liberating force of the self and a critique of how the church operates on many levels, but also there are people who cannonball into the pool of demon worship, black arts, and bile fused rage against religious symbols. This film deals with the latter, which sucks because I quite like our main characters. This is gonna sound a bit weird but Heidi who is played by Sheri Moon Zombie, legit looks like Jamie Lee Curtis but the weird part is she looks like a mix of Jamie and Laurie from Rob Zombie's Halloween series. But in all seriousness, her performance is good, she doesn't have to say much and indeed some people could view it as a more subdued performance, but I found she handled just the mindf*** of the situation and troubled emotions super well. She's just a likeable girl and of course you don't want bad things to happen to her but they do and thus is the tragedy. Jeff Daniel Phillips is more a background character, the film undoubtedly focuses primarily on Sheri, but the friendship is felt between the two and I really appreciated that emotional scene when they talk to each other on the phone, I can't explain it but that really struck me and I was just like, damn that was a good emotional scene! Great to see Judy Geeson again, she fit wonderfully into this movie and has that presence about her which makes her acting all the more effective. Bruce Davison, I was rooting for that guy, as a writer investigating the occurences and has some experience with historical witches, a very affable character to have in a veryyy gloom and doom movie. Shoutout of course to my man Ken Foree, I love you my man. Shame we couldn't have him punching witches and saying motherf***er but the day will never come when I'm not happy to see him in a movie no matter the size of the role. Production wise it's very solid, actually being shot in Salem Massachusetts and it does look pretty grand with that familiar exquisite fall atmosphere. It gets artsy, it flat out has imagery of Georges Melies' A Trip To The Moon, it features Requiem not once but twice, and the shocking imagery is a combo of hits near the end. My snob side is satisfied and reeling from the horror. I don't think this scenery is going to crawl out from under my skin for a few days, it's wedged in deep man. Wild ass movie, effectively creepy and disturbing, I give it 3 stars, 7/10. And we get more witches for the week, I'm pretty sure it's no secret at this point as to what comes next but why spoil a surprise for someone? By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

You knew it was coming. The definition of a cult film, a campy film, and a midnight movie.

How does one describe the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Uh...imagine the most sexually confused, hilarious, and all together weird film ever made with exquisite music, terrific acting, and probably the most original story ever told on any screen. It's not easy to talk about, you really just have to experience the movie. Now roll with me on this story cause it makes sense when you watch it (kinda) but it sounds insane when you describe it. Okay so the movie starts out with The Criminologist played by Charles Gray who recounts the case of Brad Majors and Janet Weiss and the events that happened on that dark and stormy night...ooooohhh!! We then meet our main characters and I got to admit they are really cute together, but on with the plot, they get a flat tire in classic horror movie fashion and end up at a friggin' castle! Well of course. And then all hell breaks loose, they meet weird although awesome characters, music, murder, and mayhem ensue and at the end it's kind of a bummer. But what a great film. Now several things come to mind, firstly who the hell could you get better than Tim Curry? Like, holy smokes this is him at his best! He just puts so much life and energy into the character, it's astonishing! Second, it's kind of hard to pick my favorite song. I mean, the whole soundtrack is beyond words kind of amazing but I think my favorite would either be the entire Floor Show, because every song goes hand in hand or The Time Warp. I know, I know, it's everyone's favorite but it's kinda hard not to greatly enjoy it. The whole soundtrack is just a cornucopia of emotions, ranging from happy, hopeful, raunchy as hell, fun, and even sorrowful. I love this movie to death, it gets weirder every single time I see it, and it could always use more fans so go see it! Hell even if the film doesn't sound anything like your cup of tea, give the soundtrack a shot, I bet you would like at least one song!