The Room

Well it was sorta better than Wicker Man.

So is The Room all it's cracked up to be in the eyes of cinema? Well, yes. It is astonishing the story and inner workings of this movie, how it was made, the behind the scenes recounts, it's hard to believe kinda! I was flipping through bits of trivia and I couldn't believe half of what I was reading. And I have got to review The Disaster Artist after this, I need visuals to this incredible story. So our story is about Johnny a banker with questionable nationality played by Tommy Wiseau who has cemented his persona in the mind of pop culture forevermore, I can't really explain it or even talk about it you just have to see it. It really is beyond words his performance. But anyway, Johnny lives in San Francisco with his future wife Lisa and an odd entourage of friends but we'll center on one, Mark played by Tommy's best frenemie Greg who was a major hand in making the movie. And soon Lisa gets tired of Johnny and starts having an affair with Mark as they go on their usual lives of having sex scenes that make Fifty Shades look competent, playing catch with a football, and having the exact same conversation with Lisa's mom. Not once, or twice, or three times a lady, but 5 f***ing times! FIVE!!? Whyyyyy?? They don't discuss anything! Ever! Oh my God this movie drags and pads more than any other movie. It's not even really that funny! I laughed maybe twice at an odd line, but beyond that I was mainly trying to figure out why there was so many talking and sex scenes that didn't contribute anything, to the point where I felt I found a rupture in the space-time continuum because of how scenes kept repeating. No you know what it was, it was like seeing alternate realities of the same event, the same thing happened but with ever so slight variables. Space is warped, and time is bendable! Oh my God, this movie is bad. I fully believe this is the Citizen Kane of bad movies. I've seen some shit in my day, especially in this month but boy howdy let me tell you, The Room is a whole 'nother beast. I'm not sure if I can recommend it but if you are morbidly curious go now, and heaven help you! I really don't have much to say guys, it's the king of enjoyably bad movies, it has a big cult following and now probably more interest and love since The Disaster Artist hit. Maybe it will change my opinion on the film and make me enjoy it more at just how batshit crazy it is but until then, I am not going out of my way to see another bad movie for a long, long time. Give it another 5 years before we do this again. This month was rough, a bit of fun, a lot of pain, an entirety of I hope you people appreciate what I do for you.

Until next time....

The Wicker Man (2006)

It's been awhile since I saw a movie that got me this angry.

Like I got tired of Twilight more and more as the series went on, and Fifty Shades Of Grey annoyed me to the brink of insanity, but this is the f***ing creme de la creme. I didn't even get this angry at Expendables 3 or even Game Night! And you just think about that for a second. I ripped Expendables 3 a new pair of assholes, and I gave up on Game Night in the theater, and this was waaaaaaay worse. If you go to a bookstore and pick up one of those reference books on how to write, there's a specific book called How To Write A Mystery, it's only one page long but the wisdom it shares is breathtaking, on page one there is only one criteria, "Do NOT write like The Wicker Man (2006)"! This is the most crackpot, half baked, senseless, and infuriating mystery movie I have ever seen in my existence. And you better believe we are watching the original this October! Because I need confirmation that the original is better, and if it is not I am going to shoot myself!! Whenever I'm doing nothing but ranting and raving over 90% of the movie, congratulations you've made a shittastic movie and I wish you death. Okay, so story time! Nicolas Cage plays a cop who has some severe PTSD from a road accident and he falls into the cop with a bad past stereotype when he gets a letter from a past lover that her daughter is missing on an island. So Cage (I know he has a name but don't lie to yourself, it's Nicolas Cage.) packs up and heads on over to this island primarily populated by female "wiccans" and I use bunny ears because I will not lump friends of mine who are actual wiccans in with this f*** heap, I will not disrespect them that way because this is the most jaded perspective I have seen on this religion in film ever. I watched the Nostalgia Critic's review on this and you should check it out, it's pretty great, but he brought up this director and I have no idea who he is or if he even still gets work, fingers crossed he doesn't, and all I gathered from that is the fact he is not a fan of women so every character who doesn't have a dick is the bane of humanity! And what really gets on my nerves is the fact that they could not have done a worse job with this dialogue and story. So Cage gets on the island and already something's up but he never....pushes....for information. If I had a goddamn dollar every time he asks a question and does not get a straight answer then add another dollar for every time he doesn't push the investigation further I would be richer than Bill Gates! This is the worst f***ing cop I have EVER seen in my life, he acts like a petulant jackass which granted I can understand when anybody and everybody cannot give him a straight answer for even the simplest of questions but there has to be some tact in an investigation. You need to not kick the door in and start shouting demands, you kinda need to work in the background, ask questions, press for further information, be discreet, sneak around, try not to arise contempt and suspicion, this is not hard. I could be a detective! You could be a detective! All it takes is logic, patience, and the ability to pick and choose your battles and when to negotiate. But apparently this cop has never been to an interrogation room in his entire career at the police force because every time some little prick is stonewalling him he immediately gives up and moves on to the next question that DOES NOT GET ANSWERED!!! I'm gonna break something! I am gonna break something or break someone, holy batshit this movie is absolute balls!! Do not watch this movie! Ever! There is nothing of value here!! But wait there's more! Of course there's more, you thought we were wrapping up? Hahahaha!! You poor bastard. Apparently this cult of "wiccans" does not know how to subvert suspicions or not act like coked out weirdos because they could not be more transparently cult-y if they tried! Why is this so hard?? Who wrote this piece of garbage? Ohhhh my god, the director wrote it too. No shit. Well that doesn't surprise me at all. Someone put a fork in me, because I am done. I thought it was fairly easy to write a mystery, you have the situation, you sprinkle in some intrigue and clues and speculation, you build to the reveal, you make the reveal good and not a waste of what little time I have left on this world, and you make a satisfying conclusion. There is none of that in this movie. Logic was shot out of a cannon and landed on Mars by the 10 minute mark if not sooner. I'm a bit of a reactionary type....clearly, but I can classify movies, the worst action movie I've ever seen is Transformers 2, the worst comedy I've ever seen was Game Night, and The Wicker Man from 2006 gets the worst "mystery" movie honor of my life. There is no mystery, no intrigue, no semblance of good acting or dialogue, or even a moderately okay ending. It's a sham! It's trash that should never be seen by another person from now until the end of time itself! I didn't even get the legendary "Not the bees!!" because I watched it on TV so I couldn't even have fun with that! If I could give less than half a star, I would. If I could give 0 stars, I would. Do. Not. Watch. It. Do something better with your life, draw, write, read, paint, pass on knowledge, travel the world, be as great as you can be and know that I will always be here to give you better options for the movies and shows you can watch in the meantime. Because film is better than this. And you fully deserve the best cinema has to offer, and I will always try to present it to you.

I can't even believe I'm saying this but Tommy Wiseau please save me!!

Troll 2

And people wonder why I never eat green stuff.

This movie is amazing. I have never had this much fun and howled in laughter at a movie in my entire life. Troll 2 is a cinematic icon, if you're a movie buff whether you're an aficianado on bad movies, or just absorb yourself in the culture of film you have heard of Troll 2. And I have to say, everything you have heard is true. The plot follows a family who go on vacation to a town called Nilbog and quickly discover the existence of goblins that turn humans into plants and eat them, forcing the family to try to escape with their lives from the tiny menace. Oh my God. Where do I start? Well some backstory is necessary so we can fully understand the gravity of the situation that is Troll 2. First, the title is a lie. Twice. It has nothing to do with the little known film called Troll and was slapped on the movie just to try to earn some modicrum of audience who maybe saw the first one. Second, and you're gonna love this twist, they are not trolls they are goblins. And I'll give you a thousand bucks if you can guess what GOBLIN is spelled backwards! Ohh this f***ing movie, it is a work of art. But continuing on with backstory, the reason why the dialogue is what it is, was because all of the crew, every person who was not on screen was italian. They did not speak a word of english, and barely knew how to write more than they spoke. The actors themselves wanted to ad-lib or bring more dialogue to the scenes but the director, Drake Floyd who I'm sure that is 1000% his name despite the fact that every other crew member has an italian name, denied it outright. And I'm not sure if the overacting/deadpan/what the hell style of speaking the dialogue was intentional or not but it must simply be seen to be believed. Not just the now infamous "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD!" that has almost 7 million views on YouTube, no no no, it goes depper than that. Just see the movie. I implore you to see the movie. It is entertainment gold. I was laughing so crazily you'd think I escaped a psych ward and did a shit load of drugs, I was rolling it was so unbelievably hilarious! I mean what the hell do I even say about this movie? It's Troll 2. The acting is gut busting hilarious, the effects are cheap though I will admit they did get a reaction from me, not from execution so much but more from concept, okay fine it was only one effect that I liked. It didn't look good but the concept behind it made me just feel gross. I will say this, usually kids especially back in the day before say 2010 were a kiss of death for your movie but honestly the kid is the best actor in the movie. I love the performances especially from George Hardy who plays the dad, and Deborah Reed who is my shining star in this whole movie. Seriously she is incredible. It's over the top but I don't even care, she relishes in every microsecond of her performance and I cannot get enough of her. I love the fact that during production the director said she was too beautiful to play a creepy witch so they had to use extensive makeup to get her to look like a decrepid witch, and it's true she is, oh my Queen you are stunningly beautiful, I could even see it with the makeup on, I know I'm gushing over her but she is my favorite part of the whole movie and I am proud to know this was not a one and done movie for her. I have lost my damn mind, this movie was a blast, I am so thrilled to finally be able to say I have seen Troll 2. I loved it. 4 stars, please go check it out, you can watch it totally free if you Google it. Make some popcorn, watch it with friends or just as a single witness to the madness and have a ball.

I somehow doubt I'm going to enjoy tomorrow's movie. Next time, good old Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man.

Another Year, Another Event

Hello there! That time again huh? Honestly I'm losing track at this rate, 4 years in and still going strong. Withered, and slightly weary but strong. We'll see how this final week bodes for me before we jump back in with new releases, old favorites, and plenty more content till the end of the year. And of course I thank every person who takes time out of their day to hear me ramble and rant and more often than not praise. Yeah kinda weird how more than 85 if not 90% of my reviews have all been favorable, even adding more so to why I decided to have an entire month dedicated to bad movies. Not just to get them done and over with but to bring a bit of balance. I think anybody and most everybody would agree you read and watch critics to relish in the bashing of a movie. Hell I watch plenty who review only bad things, but I like to see a silver lining even in the darkest of clouds if only just to preserve my sanity and not to be a grumpy old man all the time. I save the grumpiness for everyday people. But regardless I love what I do, I do what I love, thank you all for the interest of a very humble critic and I will see you tomorrow for the best worst movie ever made. Goodnight everybody!

Space Mutiny

Time to enjoy myself.

Oh Space Mutiny, you may be bad enough to be showcased on Mystery Science Theater 3000 but I still love you. No seriously, this is such an entertaining and fun movie and I practically know the MST3K riffs by heart so I can have a good time with this movie anytime. And yes, I own the movie. I grabbed it at a Half-Priced Books for $2 and never regretted it. So what is the story to this movie? Set in the far off future in Battlestar Galactica footage, a colony of people are travelling in deep space and some have grown quite restless under the command of Santa Claus in a space mumu, Billy Idol, and Reb Brown the most obscure action superstar in the world. A mutiny is planned, war breaks out, romance begins, and there is enough railing kills to create a drinking game. What's not to love? This is the prime example of a low budget sci-fi movie you will ever see, everyone dresses in shiny clothes, the props are cheap and hilarious, the fact they had to steal actual broadcasted footage of Battlestar Galactica because the budget was that poor, just imagine in your mind the most clearly cheap sci-fi action movie ever and then watch this movie. It's pretty amazing. The acting isn't that great but I've seen worse. I've seen way, way friggin' worse and the (debateable) best actor in the movie is Reb Brown one of the greats in action cinema. He makes this movie pretty great, but I will say his acting is an acquired taste but once you love it, you're hooked. The man was built to shoot guns and yell and that is what he does in most of his movies. And his love interest in the movie is his actual wife, they have been married since 1979 and you know what? They're a cute couple and I'm so happy to still see them together. Reb may not get much work nowadays but the cult following he has is strong and I always look forward to his next movie. There's more bad stuff to be found but it's greatly entertaining bad stuff, like the so clearly a villain to the poiny he laughs evilly at every instance and his acting is the stuff of bad movie legend, the side characters range from superfluous to barely progressing the plot forward but I don't care. You can take a shot everytime someone flies over a railing and you'd be so piss ass drunk you wouldn't care either. And has the greatest war cry or at least top 5, with the other 4 spots also belonging to Reb Brown ever showcased in cinema. Solid 3 stars, lot of fun, cheesy sci-fi action at it's finest, highly recommended!

Well one more week of bad. And we saved the worst for last.

Battlefield Earth

Screw it, I had fun, if not the most fun I've had this month.

Battlefield Earth is highly renowned for it's badness, swept the Razzies, was one of the most bashed films of this millenium, and probably is the reason you never really see John Travolta in movies anymore. The story is complicated, set in a post-apocalyptic world where a race of aliens has conquered Earth and humankind is near extinction, and I really didn't want either side to win the ruling of Earth. The humans are barely one step above cavemen and speak like brain damaged 4th graders, the aliens are hilarious in design and somehow speak more like humans than the actual humans and I'm just gonna say it, this is my favorite John Travolta role ever. Saturday Night Fever, Grease, Pulp Fiction, pssh it ain't got nothing on Terl. "While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME I was being trained TO CONQUER GALAXIES!!" Ohhh my sweet baby Jesus, he is so much fun, I laugh my ass off just about everytime he is on screen. If there was ever a reason to watch this movie it is because of his performance! I will give the movie a few points, the designs of the aliens though gut busting hilarious is unique and even their ship designs don't rip anything off but it just goes to show how originality isn't always the best thing. Second, I did not see a single actor who looked embarassed or really did not want to be there filming, they pull this shit dead straight and it is amazing. The sad part is Travolta still defends this movie and would gladly do it again, but Forest Whitaker was in the movie, though you probably couldn't tell because of the makeup, completely regrets it! I mean who could turn down a role where you're 9 foot aliens with dreadlocks and finger talons with weird breathing tendril masks calling other actors man-animals? It's Oscar worthy material! And you can't talk about the movie if you don't talk about the shots. Every single shot in the movie, every one, is a dutch angle and a dutch angle is where the camera is tilted at a 45° angle so everything looks slanted, and I caught myself multiple times tilting my head like I'm Michael Myers just trying to see things on a even level. Why is every frame at an angle? Well believe it or not, there is an answer and you're gonna love this! The cinematographer said he wanted the movie to resemble a comic book so that's why every shot is at an angle. Well of course! It all makes sense now! Oh my God, this movie is bad but it is a highly enjoyable bad. The movie has a reputation for a reason, it is so bad that you laugh and you laugh hard. It's perfect for a really shlock movie night with friends, you can get endless entertainment if you riff on this movie and have a few drinks. So if that sounds like your cup of tea, go for it.

Man this month has been a bit of a roller coaster ride. From Manos and movies that are really funny, to suffering through each subsequent Twilight movie, to the point where before we look at the last few pieces de resistance, I'm gonna give myself a break and watch a bad movie I genuinely like. I haven't picked which one yet but they both star the original Captain America all the way from back in the 70s. Yes, tomorrow we get to talk about Reb Brown.

Fifty Shades Of Grey

Okay. Here we go.

Fifty Shades Of Grey sucks. I must admit I did read the book BUT I only got to chapter 12 before I quit, now I gotta talk about the movie! And I can fully pinpoint the absolute failing of this story, not just on the hideously written series by a woman who clearly has no idea what the actual relationship and lifestyle of a couple in a Dominant/Submissive relationship is and merely used it to try to give some taboo material for middle aged midwestern moms who want something more than your Harlequin romance novels. This is where both mediums fail. The relationship that these characters are in is a flawed potrayal. From my experience, from my point of view, from my life, such a relationship has roots in a normal relationship, you can date and do stuff on top of having an intimate powerplay with bondage and elements of pain in the bedroom. Now you may be asking, Dude how do you know so much about this sort of stuff? Don't worry about it. I just know, I read...and stuff. But anyway, the problem with this story is the romance is....there's no romance! It's just a story about a very clumsy (straight from a 90s children's film), shy girl who meets a very emotionally distant and confusing billionaire who has a BDSM fetish. That's it! Now if I wrote a story about such a relationship I would have it where a man and a woman meet, the girl is shy and awkward and has no sexual experience, while the guy is a very good looking and succesful person who is attracted to this woman but has had a screwed up past and that is why he has that particular sexual desire, they build a nice relationship and he very slowly introduces her to his fantasies and preferences in the bedroom. Through time she helps him confront the demons of his past, is fully accepting of him in all his ways, and they have not only a great love life but a great sex life and thus becoming more mature and better human beings. There is absolutely nothing wrong about this premise, there is nothing wrong about bringing what many consider a "taboo" sexual relationship to a film, but you have to understand it! What it means, the intricate qualities of it, and why they choose to be a part of it. There's no reason in the film or the book because the writer didn't know jack shit about it or personally knew people who were in such relationships and were comfortable sharing their views on it. All we get is Christian was seduced by his mother's friend when he was 15. That's it. No reason why he likes it, how it affected his view on sex and women, there is no substance. Just softcore porn that barely dips their toe into the proverbial pool. Pathetic. And their relationship is not a good relationship, he stalks Anna with no explanation as to how, she never tells him where she is and at best gives a broad location yet somehow tracks her down. Because love means never having to say sorry for putting a tracking device on your phone and stalking you. Christian acts like a petulant child, always wanting his way and giving no real consideration to Ana's feelings, and explicitly states that he does not do romance or make love. He wants a f***toy, plain and simple! Oh but it's okay because he buys her shit and takes her for totally not romantic outings so get sucking bitch! This is like if you watched Pretty Woman and he still bought her stuff but screwed her constantly and became a possesive asshole about it. Not a very good sign! And while I'm on the subject the sex scenes suuuuck, and not in a good way! When the majority of your sex positions is missionary with one, maybe two instances of taking her from behind it gets dull fast. Oh the burning passion and arousing kinks. By the third sex scene I was banging my head on the wall from sheer boredom. And no, the toys and bondage do not spice it up one bit. Ironic. I didn't watch the unrated version and can I just go on a tangent for a moment? Why do they call it unrated?? Unrated means the MPAA did not give it a rating so how is there more steamy or shocking content in an unrated version? Just replace the R rating with NC-17 or X if you must. That's the only way you could do this story, it kinda has to go full on porn. There's a foreign film, I think it's from Denmark, called Nymphomaniac directed by Lars Von Trier and it goes all the way, they got pornstars to do what they do on camera and released it in theaters! Granted it got an X rating, and for good reason but shit this story needs more than just Dakota Johnson's breasts out every 10 or so minutes. I admire her for doing it because I would not feel comfortable taking anything out or off on camera, and yeah she is very pretty and I like her character a bit. She has some actually really funny lines, and she is a dork but a cute dork, sort of adorkable if you will, she's a very nice and charming lady and isn't some vacant eyed bimbo who just wants to be used by this guy and submit to his every beckon call. She confronts him on their sexual relationship and asks why can't they just be a normal couple but still do what they do which is fair. And I know, I know, not every relationship is the same, some are more strict and some are more laidback, some use it as a means of venting sexual anger, and some can do it but care and and treasure their partner. And I must stress in my own experience, with people in such relationships, they are just like any other couple but they like it a bit more rough and playful in the bedroom, and that is totally fine. And some people go to such extents like in this movie, and take it very seriously which also is totally okay. However, there is a line in the sand. There is a difference between sexual preference and abuse of different variety whether it's gaslighting a partner, or becoming overly violent and hurting you regardless of your agreement or your personal comfort. It's a fine line to be walked but if you know your boundaries, respect your partner's opinions and understand their boundaries, and actually treat them like human beings then nothing can go wrong. Unlike in this movie where she leaves him, she's like screw this you will not hurt me again and she leaves! Then bam, end of the movie. And that is how this series will end for me. I was going to review the other two movies but honestly after what I just watched, and how I reacted and felt and thought as I dissected this movie I can safely say I will never watch the other two. I can assume Anastasia learned from this failed relationship and moved on to create a better, more complete life for herself and explored her own sexual tastes so she could finally be with someone that makes her happy and that she could be happy with. And I say good for her. Because of her actions and how the movie ended I will give this movie 1 1/2 stars. Till next time take care of yourself, and most importantly each other.