For those who have been around since the old eons if you ever wondered what in the holy high hell happened to my Hotel Transylvania 3 review, well I wrote it and posted it, the damn website only got the first half of what I wrote opening day, and months after the fact I had to slapdash the rest of the review from what I remembered. So I swear to God this review better come out in full. I'm seriously at a loss for words here. I cannot believe any of this. So not only was this film pulled from theaters, not only was it sold to Amazon, but they had the sheer balls to release it in JANUARY. Are you.....are you taking the piss?? Now, I will not give this movie good grief that production started in late 2019, I will not give the animation good grief that it had to be completed virtually in 2020, I will not give good grief for even recasting Adam Sandler and Kevin James in their respective roles. I will however say are you f***ing kidding me? This is the last Hotel Transylvania movie folks. That's it! Ablblbl, that's all folks! What?? This is how you end it? You know that movie franchise that nobody had any expectations for whatsoever and yet turned out to be a pretty good movie, and steadily became a Halloween tradition for a new generation every so years, and had mostly hit sequels? It's gone. No satisfying final ending, no good story, nothing. I really don't want to talk about it. Maybe it's just my senile old ass or these movies are not that memorable, but I was having a very difficult time extrapolating facts from the previous two movies. Is the little ginger kid of Johnny and Mavis a vampire or not? I thought he was but then he got hypnotized. I couldn't remember anything about Drac's new lady friend or what her relationship was with Van Helsing until they had to tell me near the end of the movie. Granted it's been awhile since I watched the second and third movies but it really shouldn't be that big a hurdle to jump in the first place. Alright alright, I gotta back up and relay plot. So the story, God help me, Jesus help me, everybody else help me, the story goes Drac is about to retire and place the hotel in the hands of Johnny and Mavis, cool I like that, we're progressing the story and giving meaningful character progression to people we have followed for 3 movies up to this point. But oh no, Johnny is still a f*** up and Drac doesn't like that though he allowed him to marry his daughter and has been a competent loving father and has been just a lovable fool undoubtedly part of this makeshift family of monsters, so you think after the events of the first movie where Drac lied to his daughter unnecessarily to keep her safe that he wouldn't tell a lie or fib or even slight exaggeration for the rest of his days, but nope. He says Johnny can't share holding the hotel with Mavis because he isn't a monster. Even though his daughter is a monster and joint ownership could still be primarily in her name, but he lies anyway. Great. So Johnny asks kooky old Van Helsing if he has any doohickey that can make him a monster, wonder upon wonders there is, and Johnny is turned into a dragon basically. Despite the fact that Mavis told him he was perfect just the way he is and shouldn't change no matter what, that tired old kids movie message shite. And hijinks ensue resulting in Drac and all his monster pals to become human, oh no it's a wacky time how are they gonna get outta this one? I'm glad you asked slowly drowning will to live, well you see there's a big crystal that powers the transmorpher thing and it breaks but not to fear because they flat out explain there's a crystal finder locator literally built into the contraption itself for no other reason than to expedite the plot, leading Drac and Johnny to travel to South America to find a new kyber crystal. Now. When I heard the premise of this movie, with Dracula becoming human and Johnny becoming a monster I thought it was an okay and could even be a fun premise, they could play around with the jokes for a good chunk of the film and it would be a good plot device for the characters on opposite sides of the board to better understand each other thus becoming more thoughtful and caring individuals in their family unit. Pffffft but why have that story when we can go for the tried and true buddy road trip movie, sprinkled with tired boring family "drama" with the gold standard of hack writing tropes, the liar revealed!! Isn't that great? Isn't that fun, creative, entertaining writing? I'll give you two guesses, and both answers are get f***ed. Ohhhh, ohhhh my soul hurts. It hurts man. I did not walk into this looking to trash a movie from a series I liked! I didn't have skyrocketing expectations, but I thought it would be fun. It's so old hat, and completely shits the bed with the writing. The animation is high energy and still really good, the humor is zany and I mean a loooooot of Looney Tunes inspiration went into this but you know what I like that, the voice cast still strong as ever. But if your story sucks, the movie cannot be salvaged. And I'm frick fraking flabbergasted that this is the end! No more Hotel Transylvania for you! So have fun with that shithead! I'm done, goodbye, good luck, and good riddance. 1.5 stars, 3/10.
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