Friday, July 3, 2015

The Expendables 3

This movie is horrible! It's friggin' horrible!

Where do I start with this terrible movie? Everything you enjoyed in the last two Expendables movie are no longer here. The Expendables 2 is the best movie out of all three of them, and to tell you the truth I didn't like the first Expendables movie that much, but I could give it a pass because it was the first movie in the franchise, it's not easy creating a world and creating the characters in that world and just having it's own image and it's own way of doing things. By the second movie, they got it really right! Expendables 2 was glorious, it was awesome! By the end of that movie you were still talking about some of your favorite scenes, but not in this piece of garbage! The story is boring, we get a whole new cast of members of The Expendables that we don't care about, there is hardly any blood in the movie whatsoever unlike Expendables 2 where there was blood and limbs and heads being shot off, this movie barely has a cup of blood to show on screen, the CGI is terrible, I mean terrible in this movie. Before, the CGI was decent and looked semi-realistic but in this movie it looks like it came straight out of a video game from 2003, in fact all of the effects are terrible and shoddy in this movie, and really you know what it is like? It's like a direct to DVD Expendables movie. Those bargain bin movies you see at a video store that are so terrible and cheap you wouldn't think for a second to even look through them. That is this movie! And I am serious here, half the damn movie and I do mean half the damn movie is spent looking for these new assholes to join the team. There are several scenes that just waste your time like there are two scenes, I swear to God that pretty much goes like this...Mel Gibson the villain walks into an art museum looks at a painting, describes how horrible it looks and buys it for $3 million dollars. End of scene. Soon to be followed by, Mel Gibson's character delivering said painting to some nameless woman we never met before and will never see again. End of scene. Waste of time! But oh wait, there's more! In one scene Sylvester Stallone informs the old members of The Expendables that they are getting too old for the job and he breaks up the band, so of course we have to see the old members moaning and moping around for about three minutes before we can finally get back to the story, or what passes for a story. What's the story you might ask? Well The Expendables are hired to take out Mel Gibson's character and we soon discover that he was a member of The Expendables too back in the day (dun dun duuuuuh!!!) but he went rogue and did unspeakable things that the movie never decides to tell us about, and I am serious. I was expecting some sort of flashback scene to explain why the characters get so huffy when he is brought up, it never happens. We don't barely have any backstory to his character, and while it is kinda fun to see Mel Gibson just kinda be Mel Gibson in this movie, and he does make you chuckle in a few scenes but ultimately is forgettable. We get Wesley Snipes and Antonio Banderas in this movie as new members of the team, and Antonio Banderas is so annoying in this movie, all he does is talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and maybe shoot a few guys, and talk. And Wesley Snipes, you know the first time you see him the team busts him out of this prison train and he's got this beard and like this afro, so for the rest of the movie I called him Afro Blade and he does nothing but he did make me laugh a bit. Horrible! This movie is fraking horrible!! Do not watch this movie! It is not worth your time and money! Watch The Expendables 2, do not touch this movie. Even if you are curious do not see this movie! I need a damn drink after all of this...and the funny part was I have never seen this movie before, but I really didn't want to watch or review this movie. I mean at all. I did not want to watch this. I swear I have this sixth sense about movies where I automatically can tell if it's going to be a huge piece of crap, okay, or pretty damn good. This was a huge piece of crap. Stay away from this movie!

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