King Creole

I know I probably could have left it at Bubba Ho-Tep, but more Elvis ain't a bad thing.

I was kinda stumped for Elvis material before the new movie but I heard on good account that this movie is one of his best, and it just so happens to be his favorite movie that he ever made so how could you go wrong. I heard tale that James Dean was originally considered for the role and knowing that, I kinda get why the movie is this way. The story concerns flunking high school student Danny who keeps getting into scuffs, and eventually is dragged into this tug of war with a gangster in New Orleans, trying to stay out of trouble and perform as a singer while also getting involved in a rough situation. You can very clearly see a lot of story elements and characterization that would fit in a movie like Rebel Without A Cause which came out 3 years before this. But Elvis Presley shows he can act and of course you get plenty of singing from him but you can see he nails this character. He's got a temper, he doesn't want to be like his dad, he's got the charm and personality that could get him in trouble, and you can read quite a bit in his face. He does really good work. Now I know I could question how romance works in this movie, but hey it was the 50s and in a romance kind of movie all it would take is 5 minutes one on one with a lady for both of you to be head over heels in love. That being said I dare say the best character is Ronnie played by always striking and gorgeous Carolyn Jones, I mean my God this character is just put through the ringer and she can convey just how mistreated, broken, tired, and longing for love this woman is. It's quite remarkable really how she just captures it all and makes you want the best for her so easily. Walter Matthau is a diiiiiick in this movie, full blown asshole, I haven't seen him in many antagonistic roles so I was impressed. The drama is prevalent throughout, with dashes of music and I can honestly say this movie is an easier sell than most musicals. Sure I have faith in Elvis Presley's acting talents, but the man was built to sing and that's what you want, it's more folk music with some blues zest rather than his typical rock and roll stuff but you better believe I got the happy feet and was having a good time with it. That ending though, Jesus Christ was that a downer. I was genuinely upset I won't lie, but that's the telltale sign of being invested in a movie. I wanted to know what was gonna happen, will these characters get a happy ending, you feel the emotion and get the characters so the movie works very very well. Shot in pristine black and white with good sets, nice lighting, it even dips it's pinky toe in some experimental shots for one bit. The editing is a bit weird at a few instances but that's truthfully the only bad thing I can say about it. If ever you were curious about Elvis' acting roles this would be the prime example. I give it 4 stars, 8/10, and next time we'll be getting nothing but raw talent and music galore with the Comeback Special.

Lightyear

Sometimes your gut feeling is just the truth of the matter.

When I saw the trailer for Lightyear, I did not think it was gonna be good. I didn't understand the reasoning for it, I thought it did not need to be a gritty origin story or even a plain origin story for Buzz Lightyear. I saw the second trailer and was kinda getting on board, and the plot follows it but does a lot more than what is simply shown in that trailer. This is your spoiler warning. I do not spoil jack shit if the movie is good, this is your clue. And to be honest, when I was gathering the production details I saw a rating of 4.7/10 on IMDB, to which I replied oh come on it can't be that bad. It was baaad, I wouldn't rate it lower than that but also not much higher either. So our story follows a colony ship that wrecks on an alien world with no way to escape, leading our hero to put himself through an experimental test flight to find the right dilithium-uh I mean hyperspeed crystals to help get his crew back to space. Now I must admit, this beginning section of the movie was not bad. I liked the setup and the dilemma, and the fact that the whole hyperspeed experiment is not a one and done and then boom it's 60 years later. It was super good stuff seeing Buzz internalize so much blame on himself for marooning the crew here, and constantly keeps flying the experiment, each time springing 4 years into the future. It's almost Interstellar in a sense as he sees his crewmates get older and eventually die. That's a good story, that has some weight and drama to it. And even when he makes the final jump things do not go south, he meets his partner's granddaughter, is quickly brought up to speed on evil robots and what has happened which I appreciate infinitely for not doing that whole bullshit song and dance of who are you and we don't trust you, blah blah blah. The characters aren't bad, the performers do a decent job and have personality, they get some weird ass super brief character moments or "arcs" if I dare even call them that but...okay. This story needed a bit of ironing out, and the one single solitary element I was begging not to happen, happened. And it was worse than I thought it was going to be. Jesus Christ. If this is the first time either the director or writer has worked on a project it wouldn't surprise me. I had one wish, don't make Zurg a character we've met in the movie at an earlier point, just let him be an anonymous threat. I hate this so much, I am not in a good mood at all for reasons I will divulge at the end. Are you ready for some world class A-grade seal of approval bullllllllshit?? Zurg is actually Buzz. Are yo-

Goddamn it. God f***ing damn it. The fact they thought at all the audience would still be on board with this movie afterward is astounding. This writing is horrible at times, and that is the crown jewel of awful. What the, oh f*** off! When those credits started I was gone. I heard some horseshit playing behind me, you're not worth my time, don't even try to sequel bait me. But it has decent elements to it, the first quarter was really good, the animation quite lovely and makes the whole robots and space suits look pretty damn cool, I can get behind a story of a space faring galactic defender with his robot cat blasting shit, Sox was awesome, but man....they done f***ed it up! No William Shatner either, and the fact oh my God in heaven above they open the movie with essentially a disclaimer that Andy got a Buzz Lightyear toy because of this movie which was his favorite movie. I wouldn't buy anything from this movie if it was a penny. 1.5 stars, 5.5/10. Now I get to disclose information, the theater experience was awful, all I heard was kids being noisy little bastards and running to and fro around the theater. Constant. Thumping. Racket. That did not help I assure you. But wait, it gets better. I wrote about half this review and I'm walking home and it finally happened, I got hit by a car. Plot twist, I'm writing this from the afterlife mudda fudgers!! No, it hit me dead center but it wasn't super fast and I'm just sore and so angry I could put Vader to shame. F*** this evening, I'm going to bed.

Buzz Lightyear Of Star Command

I'm a bit upset I didn't have time to review the series this week, so it's gonna be another short week.

On the plus side, this was great! As a pilot for an animated series, it's one of the best and I will admit this is one of those movies I got on tape so long ago and I haven't seen in probably 15+ years. Man what a trip to see that good old classic 90s hand drawn animation in Disney Toons style, some may criticize it but for me it's all part of the charm. So our story concerns Buzz Lightyear foiling the plans of the evil Emperor Zurg combined with an albeit cliche yet still entertaining story of him accepting a new partner. And this movie does a very good job showing off this universe, different worlds, many alien species, what Star Command actually is like, it opened a whole new world for kids who loved the first two Toy Story movies. I wanted to know more about Zurg and the universe you really only get tiny tastes of in the films, so this was cool. It's pretty damn funny I got to say, it completely has a self awareness to it all poking fun at a lot of different things that I totally never appreciated when I was younger. Tim Allen returns to give that stamp of authenticity for Buzz who has a lot more material to work off here than in the movies obviously and delivers it pitch perfectly. We have Nicole Sullivan as alien princess turned ranger Mira, who's pretty rebellious and hard headed to match Buzz and I can't remember if they ever made them a couple in the show but I got brief hints of that here. Larry Miller plays an experimental robot ranger named XR, obvious comic relief but has lots of personality and fun so I dig it. Stephen Furst plays Booster, an aspiring ranger who is just a janitor but clearly has the heart and mindset for protocol and protecting worlds. Very tropey characters, but are given enough personality and humor to where you don't mind too much. Now here comes the mindf***. The evil Emperor Zurg, who sounds oddly familiar to Tim Curry, specifically Tim Curry in Ferngully, is voiced by Wayne Knight. Hwhat?? Are you taking the piss? It sounds nothing like him and he plays it to sheer perfection, overplaying just how utterly evil Zurg is and how much he relishes it. Big shock, he's my favorite character! And we'll throw one more in for good measure, the little green alien dudes, voiced by Patrick Warburton. I'm at a loss for words. Again, sounds nothing like him but that threw me for a twist something fierce as I watched the credits roll. And yes, you need to stay through the credits. No, there's no scene afterwards or anything like that, oh no it's even better. We get, I am so not joking here, a song performed by William Shatner called To Infinity And Beyond. Okay. If this song is not in the new movie at any point during the credits....0/10! F*** off, this NEEDS to be in the new movie damn it! If you have not bought or heard William Shatner's albums, get off my planet. Can you believe this show isn't on Disney+, nor the movie? Not yet anyway but it's great fun and you can see the whole thing on YouTube free of charge. Watch it. I dare say it's mandatory viewing before the new movie. 4 stars, 8.5/10! I'm a happy camper today bucko, see you next time!

Jurassic World Dominion

Alright, not a bad way to end. Now don't f*** it up and make another movie 30 years later.

Yeah, it took until the 3rd movie of the Jurassic World series to give us a jurassic world but honestly it all could have been handled much poorer. Now the plot I am about to describe might sound like they done goofed severely, because the movie's central dilemma isn't about dinosaurs. It has dinosaurs in it and they utilize them all very well, but our respective teams of old cast and new cast are brought together through the machinations of a corporate business that has developed a creataceous strand of locusts that can bring global catastrophic damage, while also kidnapping Blue's hatchling and Maisie. I know, I know, they could have made it anything but corporation baaaaad, but truthfully I was rolling with it enough to like the movie's other aspects. As I said, beautifully done how they show the world coexisting with dinosaurs and while it's not the full focus it is spotlighted long enough. I actually applaud the movie for going all out, trying to explore as many facets, angles, and situations with this backdrop of then extinct creatures in today's world and they wanted to go balls out for it and they somewhat succeed. I can appreciate that. Do I need to talk about cast? We have Laura, Sam, and Jeff back and I'll give you a twenty if you can guess how they were. It might seem like they don't have much to do and are brought back for the novelty, but it is nice to see them together again and they can have fun with it. Chris, Bryce, and Isabella still do good, particularly with Isabella getting that teen angst and attitude down to a pitch perfect science. And...as upset that I am we didn't get much Daniella Penada beyond one scene we have another new addition. Yes, hi, welcome to another edition of The Crush Chronicles vol. 98, where I now say...oh my God. DeWanda Wise, holy moly. That woman is literally so beautiful my soul ached every time I gazed at her, and she was a fun add to the cast even if everytime she was on screen I couldn't look anywhere else. A small price to pay. Moving swiftly on. Colin Trevorrow, yes the director of the Episode 9 that never was and got an upgrade from co-writer of Fallen Kingdom straight to director's chair, fairly good work I found he did. He takes advantage of nature scenery to the max, knows when to bring the movie down but also ramp it up effectively, overall did solid competent work. Better than Fallen Kingdom? Uh, no shit. So now the question becomes where does it rank for me? It's better than Jurassic Park 3, World, Fallen Kingdom, so it's top 3. But remember what I said last time. 3 stars, 7/10, from the ancient pass to the space faring future and beyond next time.

In Retrospect: Jurassic Park Fallen Kingdom

Alright we gotta set the cards on the table, no matter what you see and no matter what you hear, past, present, future, there is exactly one good Jurassic Park movie. Everything else is in freefall.

Even I was shocked I never wrote an in retrospect of Fallen Kingdom cause honestly it had enough stuff to talk about twice. Now I know I dropped a huge spoil bomb in my original review, and even ranked it just below Jurassic Park but in a series like this the majority is flux. I wouldn't say it's good watching it again, I can imagine how many people and critics used the title Fallen Kingdom to get a sucker punch in on the series at that time. I liked two things both of which were seen sparingly in the film, James Cromwell and Daniella Pineda. Everything else was average at best. Daniella Pineda was rad man, full of energy and sass, intelligent, supremely easy on the eyes, her performance was just right for this movie and she did it flawlessly. James Cromwell, I'm never gonna stop praising this man. Though he is in a grand total of maybe 3 scenes, I saw that twinkle in the eye, magic dust, extraordinary effect that Sir Richard Attenborough had in the first two films. No horseshit Jack. I mean the rest of the cast is fine, there's no real bad performances albeit Justice Smith is too geeky and annoying for his own good, but the script needed a few more months to fully gestate. Now as a brainless, summer action movie, that shouldn't be held on any kind of pedestal because it's a Jurassic Park movie, is okay. It keeps up the pace, tension, and action beats rather well honestly but even when the movie tries to have a quiet slow moment it kinda fumbles and I feel the reason is it wasn't that kind of movie to begin with. It's shot competently and has some nice visual moments from time to time, but maaaan does this f***ing director love some dinosaur reveal shots. It could be a drinking game, everytime there is a flash of light or any kind of illumination that shows off a dinosaur for a moment take a swig of alcohol, but I wouldn't want anything to adversely affect your health. I can somewhat appreciate what it does for the characters but it does come off as window dressing nine times out of ten, the dinosaurs are still cool of course and look good yet strangely don't have a strong impact on the film ironically considering it's all about ensuring their survival with some moments thrown here and there. I will say however, I'm not sure if I ever wrote this down in any review since this movie came out but I was severely reminded of the Indoraptor or as I call it the Pedoraptor, like this science project gone horror show has a real fascination with getting this little girl man. It's just weird, first time you see it it runs it's claws through her hair and I'm just like, "That's a f***ing bad touch bro, hands of the no-no zone you creepy bastard." this isn't ha ha funny funny, like it was messing with me guys seriously. And don't get me started on the implications of this girl, my point was clearly made in the review and I think perfectly encapsulates just how off this series got from the tracks. If I had to give it a score, in my original first viewing I would have given it a 7 maybe even 7.5/10 but on rewatch it's dropping. 2 stars, 6/10, Dominion is coming up next so sorry about the short week of reviews, I should scrounge up some stuff for Lightyear so no worries there. I will goddamn well have words if they kill off people in Dominion that's all I'm saying.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

This is one of the select few movies I have seen and yet remember hardly anything of it.

A long time ago when I was but a 16 year old wee lad, my mom actually took me to see this in theaters, I had no definitive drive to see it but went with an open mind. Ohhh.....yikes. Yeah, that was an interesting sit and it's been over 10 long years and I remembered hardly anything besides the obvious horrific, disturbing, f***ed up shit that occurs in a few scenes. So I was walking in relatively blind once more and found a pretty solid mystery thriller. So our handsome sexy man Daniel Craig, plays investigative reporter Mikael who is called into service by a wealthy gentlemen, played by Christopher Plummer, to solve a 40 year old case of his missing presumed dead daughter and this is the strangest prequel to Knives Out I could imagine. Meanwhile as that story plays out we meet Lisbeth, played incredibly well by Rooney Mara, who goes through some serious shit of her own before she also is roped into this murder mystery, putting her advanced computer skills and logical thinking to the test to assist. What I like a great deal is, this could so super easily be seen as two seperate movies haphazardly daisy chained together but it never breaks immersion or intrigue, you know these two characters will meet at a certain point but it gives each of them time for the audience to understand them before the dynamic shifts into a duo. And Daniel and Rooney have fantastic chemistry, quite honestly getting a few laughs out of me because of how these two personalities work in tandem. Lisbeth is very analytical, anti-social, and clearly different from the pack while Mikael is more normal leading man material but is given his own problems and personality while keeping him an average journalist. He's no Sherlock, or Bond action man, but needless to say Daniel pulls it off expertly. The mystery gains intrigue very quickly, and it is a somewhat methodical some would say boring form of detective work, connecting the dots of this family who are held suspect in this girl's death and who knows who considering the family is very seperate and hardly talks to one another. Now on one hand I can see that being a problem, juggling many characters and names and trying to keep all the strands together in your head, but even with my more lax viewing of this and forgetting who some people were it didn't negatively affect me. I was keeping up with it but not by much, this isn't the movie that points and shouts a clue, a clue! It doesn't hold your hand but I feel the movie is more about keeping your intrigue and attention instead of making you a junior detective who's trying to solve it first. It's directed well and no doubt many people can get super into it and piece together the puzzle which is great for this kind of genre. The interesting thing is when it seems everything is wrapped up, the truth is found, case closed you think that would be the end all be all. But in actuality the movie goes on for some time afterward, I can see people checking their watch like come the hell on the movie is over, but it gives some closure to Mikael and his crisis at the beginning of the film, some would consider it last minute payoff to a relatively unimportant set up but I got really into it. It shows our leads do more stuff after the fact, and they gain a quantum of solace before the credits. I know, I went there, and not to go on a tangent but the ending did kinda give me Quantum vibes. I may not have focused much on the more shocking stuff, and it is effectively disturbing, and I still somewhat question how my mom felt with me sitting next to her during such parts, but they are more a disgusting seedy seasoning and not the main focus. I enjoyed it, was engaged, and knew it was gonna give me a fair bit to talk about. 4 stars, 8.5/10, next week is more likely than not gonna be a short week of reviews but it's dinosaurs so it can't be all bad.

Acrimony

Where do I begin?

First Tyler Perry movie on this show, huzzah I guess. I actively do not go for his movies by any stretch, however after hearing Brad Jones' unbelievably positive and passionate review on his site I knew damn well I had to see this movie. It took a little while but I finally saw it. Holy f***. Oh my f***ing God, this movie. I don't know where to start, I almost say just go watch his review cause I can't top it and I genuinely don't know what to rate it. I'll try. So the story is unfolded by way of flashback where Taraji P. Henson (Oh my merciful stars...) basically tells the story of how she met this guy Robert when they were both in college, they got together, he cheated on her and she went mental proceeding to smash her car into his home, they get back together (Yep. Makes sense to me.), they get married, and the relationship falls apart over the years. See Robert is an inventor and is working on a clean source battery, and becomes highly, almost criminally neglectful in their marriage leading our beloved Taraji to slowly lose her shit. I know, this is a trip already but wait, there's more! I can't talk about everything, I want to, but I can't. So much happens in this movie and I would pay eleventy zillion bajillion dollars to watch this in a theater, full house, with terribly reactionary people. It would be the greatest night of my life. Now comes the inevitable part where I shamelessly and embarassingly fawn over Taraji P. Henson, sweet Christmas I can't stand how beautiful this woman is. I wouldn't even care if she was as crazy in real life as she is in this movie, cause honey...lord have mercy! Her performance is goddamn award worthy, this movie is kind of a piece of thriller fluff but it is the performance, the sheer acting chops of her that elevates it to all time highs for me. I wish more actors were this convicted and passionate in their craft. I can't write half the things I'm thinking now, this is a review show I can't say that. But anywho! Lyriq Bent plays Robert and it is utterly fascinating seeing the split between audiences on who is in the wrong here, and I feel that just goes to show how good our leads are, cause Robert is not this stereotypical abusive son of a bitch who you're waiting to see vengeance be visited upon, he loves his wife, he puts his entire life's work into making it big with his battery, and while he undoubtedly cheated and was a neglectful husband too focused on his work, he never is framed in a negative way despite the narration saying anything but nice things about him. I know people get triggered something fierce over people who cheat, men are bastards sometimes I know, but I feel both parties have a hand in her going nuts and the failing of their marriage. Because she has rage in her that terrifies me and does other things of the hey hey variety to me, she is ruthless and utterly vehemently in contempt of this man, it's beautiful in an acting standpoint but horrifying in a realistic standpoint. I'm serious man, I haven't been this vocal (Easy now...) with a movie in awhile. I had a blast watching this! But I'm not sure how to appropriately recommend and rate it, in terms of entertainment 9/10 if not 10/10, in terms of the movie as a whole which includes production, story, characters, direction, and acting....like a solid 8/10. This is probably the only Tyler Perry, or at least God I hope so before I die, movie I'm reviewing and it isn't getting better than this. No way, no how, this is top tier. I recommemd it if you're either familiar with his filmography, or if you really just want a wild thriller watchparty with friends. I have no such qualms stating I watched this for Taraji, and mother of God above I was not disappointed.